Missing your ex after a breakup is completely normal. Whether you saw the breakup coming or had no clue your ex wanted to leave you, the emotional and physical separation can feel overwhelming. It can remind you that you lost an amazing person you invested a big part of yourself in and that things will not be the same without your favorite person.
Over the months or years, you established certain routines, hobbies, and patterns, so it’s hard to imagine not having this person around. Your ex’s absence makes you feel scared, alone, and nostalgic. Your ex is all you can think about. You obsess over your ex and crave the happy hormones your brain released into your brain on a daily basis.
You didn’t have to worry about these hormones before. You received them as a reward simply for being with your ex.
Now that your ex is gone, though, you feel unfulfilled and highly emotional. You can’t stop thinking about the times your ex gave your life excitement and purpose. You wish you could go back in time and once again feel desired and needed by your ex.
I want you to know that it’s okay to miss an ex who left you. You were with this person for a while and developed feelings and expectations. You can’t just shut off your feelings and give up on the goals and dreams you’d envisioned with your ex. Like your ex, you’ll have to slowly give up on a shared future by telling yourself you can be just as happy if not happier on your own.
You’ll have to convince yourself that you’re capable of fulfilling your own wants and needs. This might take a while, but time is on your side. The longer you work on changing and improving your beliefs and behaviors, the stronger and wiser you’ll become.
Anyway, it’d be strange if you didn’t miss your ex because that’d indicate you had no feelings and desire to be with this person. It’d show you wanted to break up with your ex for some time but didn’t due to some sort of fear.
People miss the dumper because they understand the value their ex brings to the table. At the end of the relationship, that value is much higher than it normally is, mainly because of the rejection.
Rejection breaks the dumpee’s self-esteem and makes the dumper look super important and desirable. The dumpee usually misses the dumper like crazy and wants to be validated by him or her. The dumpee would do anything just to see the dumper care.
You probably want to reach out to your ex and let your ex know how badly you miss talking and hanging out, but that’s not something you should do. Your ex doesn’t want, nor deserve to know that his or her absence has such an effect on you. Your ex broke up with you due to a loss of feelings and probably feels bad. If you tell your ex how difficult it is for you, your ex could feel guilt-tripped and tempted to lie or push you away.
That would be bad for both of you, but especially you – the dumpee. You’d feel neglected, misunderstood, and undeserving of your ex’s time and affection.
So don’t make the breakup about yourself and try to get an empowering reaction out of your ex. You may really miss your ex and want to get back together, but give it some time to figure out why you feel so strongly about your ex. You should learn that you miss your ex a lot because your ex abandoned you rather than because your ex is such a great person.
You wish your ex would love you again and stop your separation anxiety, pain, and loneliness.
There are many ways to cope when you miss your ex, but none of them involve reaching out or indulging in nostalgia together with your ex. The breakup demands that you respect each other’s boundaries and avoid reaching out for non-emergency purposes. Remember that your ex needs space and that you must give it to him or her at all costs.
Space lets your ex feel in control and at peace.
So if you want to know what to do when you miss your ex, don’t do anything your ex doesn’t want you to do. Don’t contact your ex just to tell your ex what a hard time you’ve been having without him or her. Your ex isn’t a dumpee and doesn’t need to hear that you’re super hurt and nostalgic. Your ex needs to hear that you accept the breakup and have what it takes to move on.
When your ex sees that you’ve got your emotions and life under control, your ex will respect you for it and may even miss you back.
You also shouldn’t message your ex’s friends and ask them to talk some sense into your ex. The breakup is between you and your ex. If you can’t resolve your differences, your friends and family can’t either. They should be kept out of it so both parties can reflect and grow.
In this post, we discuss what to do when you miss your ex. We’ll teach you how to deal with nostalgia, regrets, and pain when you feel the most vulnerable.
What to do when you miss your ex?
You may feel tempted to stalk your ex’s social media, ask people close to your ex for updates on your ex’s life, or reach out directly to your ex, but none of these are healthy solutions for your one-sided feelings. You won’t get what you need from your ex that way because your ex won’t feel inspired to redevelop feelings and want to be with you.
If anything, your ex will see that you’re still hurt and have expectations—and that it’s not safe to be around you. Depending on your ex’s character, your ex might even block, ignore, or treat you with disrespect. He or she might do something that shows your nostalgia is completely one-sided and that it’s not in his or her interest to reciprocate it and get back together.
That will make you feel rejected and incapable of making your ex happy.
Therefore, you shouldn’t act on your nostalgia and hope that your ex feels the same way about you. It’s extremely unlikely that your ex will have dealt with his or her problems by the time you reach out. It’s much more likely that your ex will continue to think the way he or she does about you and reject your attempts to get closer.
Dumpers seldom miss their exes the way their exes miss them. When they do miss them, they miss them as friends. This means they miss talking and spending time together, but not planning the relationship and being romantic. Romance is for partners who love each other, not for ex-partners who have disconnected.
You need to understand that so you don’t get your hopes up in case your ex says he/she misses or loves you too.
Many dumpers tell their exes things they want to hear. They make it seem like they share the same feelings with brokenhearted dumpees when in reality, they’re just afraid of telling them they don’t love them anymore. That’s why they give them enormous amounts of hope and mess with their recovery process.
So if your ex tells you he/she misses you, remember that many dumpers are afraid of telling the truth. They’d rather make their ex think they miss them and want them back than say they’ve been happy and don’t miss them yet. They’re okay with deceiving their ex because it prevents them from hurting their ex and bringing a negative reaction out of him or her.
Missing a person who doesn’t miss you back doesn’t feel good, but you probably can’t help it right now. You’re probably still hurt and depend on your ex for recognition and love. As long as you need your ex to feel better, you’re bound to miss your ex. There’s nothing wrong with missing your ex unless you act on emotions and show your ex how badly you want him or her to validate you.
If you don’t want to miss your ex anymore, you must do things that encourage detachment. This includes behaviors that let you stop relying on your ex for relationship wants and needs. If as a couple, you used to do everything together, you must now look for ways to do it without your ex. Grab a friend or family member and let them keep you busy and entertained.
You must have very little time on your hands to think about your ex. The less time the better.
Also, avoid things that remind you of your ex. You’ll deal with nostalgia better if you avoid places, tastes, smells, and sounds that trigger nostalgia. Avoid anything you associate with your ex. You want to keep your ex out of your mind as much as possible.
If you’ve already been reminded of your ex, then you need to know you can stop missing your ex. You can do that by reminding yourself you miss your ex so much because he or she has abandoned and hurt you. If it weren’t for pain, you wouldn’t be missing your ex like crazy.
You should write down your ex’s negative traits and remind yourself of your ex’s imperfections. That way, you’ll understand your ex made mistakes and doesn’t deserve you.
You’ll probably still miss your ex after that, but you’ll begin to rewire your brain. Soon, you’ll shift your perspective and see your ex as just another human being. You’ll notice that your ex doesn’t have power over you and that you’re getting yourself back.
With that said, here are my tips on what to do when you miss your ex.
How long will I miss my ex?
You can expect to miss your ex until you learn to change how you perceive your ex.
The length of your nostalgia depends mainly on your self-love and attachment to your ex. If you don’t find a way to love yourself more than your ex and keep making breakup mistakes, you could miss your ex even for a year or longer. Some dumpees stay hooked on their ex for years. Such dumpees typically refuse to cut their ex off and start no contact.
They believe no contact isn’t for them and that they can make their ex miss them back.
That’s why it’s important to work on letting go of your ex and rebuilding your self-love and independence. Focus on things that make you happy—and the time missing your ex will be significantly shorter. I couldn’t say how big a difference it will make, but it should be noticeable, provided you spend time with people who help you process the past.
The good thing about nostalgia is that it should bother you less with time. If you follow the rules of no contact and do what’s best for you, you’ll see that you think about your ex and miss him or her way less than before.
Try not to set a deadline for when you must be fully over your ex. You’ll be over your ex when you’ve processed everything you needed to process. You’ll know you’re over your ex when you stop trying to impress your ex and stop caring about your ex’s opinion of you.
So don’t think poorly of yourself for having feelings for your ex. Consider your feelings proof that you had genuine plans for your ex and that it will take you some time to get through the breakup. Once you’ve regained your emotional independence, you’ll stop gravitating toward your ex and see the future without your ex in it.
Until that happens, prioritize yourself and work on detaching and growing.
What do you think you should do when you miss your ex? Share your ideas below the post.
And if you need help understanding your breakup and coping with it, sign up for breakup coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
