Updated on July 2, 2025
Dismissive avoidants value independence, space, privacy, and emotional control, and dislike being vulnerable. They prefer to keep their difficult emotions and unwanted thoughts to themselves. That often prevents them from expressing regret, romantic feelings, pain, or any kind of emotion openly – the way secure or anxious exes do.
Instead of saying what’s on their mind, they often bottle things up, keep their distance, and act unaffected—even if deep down they’re struggling with confusion or longing. They don’t want to go against their nature and display emotions that could be perceived as dependent, weak, and unattractive. In their mind, revealing such qualities scares them as it gives people control over them.
Dismissive avoidants find it difficult to express vulnerability and admit to missing their exes. If they were to tell them how they feel, especially without knowing how their exes feel about them, they could get rejected and feel hurt and embarrassed. Hence, they decide not to put themselves at risk by directly expressing how they feel and why they feel that way. Many times, they express feelings subtly or choose not to express them at all.
This is especially true for men, as many dismissive avoidant men struggle with emotional expression and vulnerability.
They act super stoic because they’re afraid of revealing too much and having their emotions used against them. Their defense mechanism essentially instructs them to play it safe and, by doing so, remain in control of their life the way they’re used to. To others, they come across as extremely strong and macho, but for people who understand their fearful nature, it’s exactly the opposite. They consider them emotionally weak because they’re afraid of being vulnerable and living their lives to the fullest.
Strong men don’t hide their feelings and run away from difficult situations. On the contrary, they share them with people who deserve them and also benefit from them.
Of course, avoidant dismissive people aren’t emotionally crippled on purpose. They shut off their feelings because of one or several past traumas. Something or someone hurt them deeply and forced them to think it was safer not to be vulnerable with people. Oftentimes, their parents are responsible for their dismissive avoidant tendencies, but other times, it’s their partners, ex-partners, friends, or various life situations.
They experience enormous amounts of stress, pain, and feelings of helplessness—and ultimately, decide to turn emotions off to focus only on their own happiness.
Initially, they don’t realize that not everyone will treat them badly and force them to keep their guard up. They just focus on being happy by keeping people at a reasonable emotional distance. When they do realize what they’re doing to people and who they’ve become, it’s often too late to do anything about it, as changing deep-rooted behavior takes more than a simple realization. Many times, they need to work on their unhealthy programming with the help of a therapist and learn to slowly get rid of their trust issues, which are constantly telling them to protect themselves.
I’m telling you all this so you understand that a dismissive avoidant ex has a lot of work to do. If the man or woman doesn’t understand why he or she acted cold and distant throughout the relationship, the dumper likely won’t become vulnerable and ask for another chance after the breakup. The dumper won’t need you back because he or she won’t feel the need to get close to you, be vulnerable, and work on reaching common goals.
Dismissive avoidant exes are the least likely to come back compared to other attachment types. They don’t return very often because they don’t develop tight bonds and miss those bonds. When they do miss them, they tend not to verbalize it, or may just miss the friendship part of the relationship. They can be difficult to read, especially when they just want to hold on to their ex for convenience.
That’s why I encourage you not to take their empty words (breadcrumbs) seriously unless their actions show that they want to get close to you again and be vulnerable. Before you take them back and merely hope for the best, they must learn why they are the way they are, show they’ve grown emotionally, and express regret in some way. They need to take accountability, otherwise the relationship won’t last long. You can’t expect an emotionally inexpressive relationship to function, let alone grow over time.
Growth can happen when a couple forgives and trusts each other fully.
Some couples get used to not sharing their vulnerabilities, but relationships like that are easily shaken by outside factors. When partners stop opening up and rely only on themselves for their emotional needs, the connection tends to fade. It becomes very easy for stress, doubt, misunderstandings, or other people to come between them. That’s when cracks form and put their relationship at risk.
If you’re looking for signs a dismissive avoidant wants you back, I’m sorry to inform you that you probably won’t find many obvious ones. Your DA ex likely won’t pour his or her heart out to you and admit that he or she has been missing you like crazy. Emotions will remain hard for your ex to express, especially if your ex doesn’t know how you feel and fears being rejected and hurt.
The most you’ll probably get out of your ex is a passive reachout, inviting you to chat or be friends. Gradually, your ex will get used to chatting and revert to the person he or she was when you were together.
In this post, we point out some signs that a dismissive avoidant wants you back. Thanks for reading.
Signs a dismissive avoidant wants you back
One of the best signs a dismissive avoidant wants you back is when the DA slowly starts reappearing in your life. The DA may remain guarded and distant, but his or her presence and indirect communication methods will nonetheless show that he or she misses talking to you and relying on you for support, convenience, and love.
Your dismissive avoidant ex won’t cry, apologize profusely, beg, promise to win your trust back, and appear desperate for another chance. That’s not how dismissive avoidants operate. Instead, he or she will quietly circle back, casually throw in a few compliments, show interest in your life, and test your eagerness to reconcile, while keeping his or her distance and secretly hoping to regain access to your life.
Your ex will crawl back inch by inch and observe your responses. At no point will your ex break character and shower you with the things you want or need to hear. Expect your ex to keep his or her composure and wait for an opportunity to get back together without pressure and feeling vulnerable. Your ex could try to reconcile without ever bringing it up. This would be ideal for someone who dislikes sharing feelings and coming across as attached or dependent.
If your dismissive avoidant wants you back, you’ll see it in his or her eyes and behavior. You’ll see that your ex looks at you like a midnight snack and treats you like you’re the last person on Earth. His or her aura will convey that he or she actually enjoys spending time with you and getting to know you again. Your ex will be afraid of losing you, especially to someone else, so you can expect your ex to feel the need to get back with you before you fall for someone else.
Dismissive avoidant exes also feel a sense of urgency to reconnect. They just hide it better than most people, thanks to a lifetime of practice dealing with fears and insecurities.
The worst thing that could happen to them is making their ex think they’re miserable and that only their ex can fix their misery. That would strip them of their power and crank their insecurities through the roof.
Another sign that your avoidant ex wants you back is when your ex brings up the good memories. This could be his or her indirect way of saying that the past is better than the present and that he or she wants to experience it again with you. Emotionally inexpressive people usually handle vulnerable situations by dropping hints and hoping their ex picks up on it, instead of just being direct.
They may do this by saying things like:
- Hey, I was just thinking about the times we traveled the world. Those were some good memories.
- Have you been to the seafood restaurant where we danced? The food and ambience there were amazing.
- I’ve been wondering if you know someone who can help me do/get (something you’re good at).
- Funny how I keep running into people who remind me of you. What do you think it means?
Your ex might also drop inside jokes to break the ice and slowly get closer to you. An inside joke could be his or her way of testing the waters without laying all the cards on the table. So consider joking a sign that your dismissive avoidant ex likes you and wants you back.
When an ex likes you and expects romantic things from you, he or she will likely try to impress you. The dumper might do this by joking around, giving you compliments, asking personal questions, or doing small favors. The more your ex needs you and regrets leaving, the better an impression your ex will try to make.
Having said that, here are 7 signs a dismissive avoidant ex wants you back.
What should I do if my dismissive avoidant ex wants me back?
If you merely think your ex wants you back, pay attention to your ex’s actions, including conversation initiations, wishes to impress you and spend time together, and how he or she is treating the breakup. If your ex is acting like you’re still together, it could be a sign that your dismissive avoidant ex wants you back but is afraid to profess his or her feelings.
If that’s the case, you shouldn’t make things super easy for your ex and ask to get back together. You should continue to give your ex space and wait for him or her to find the courage to say or do what it takes to get you back. Your ex will do what’s necessary when pain outweighs the risk of getting his or her ego bruised by expressing feelings.
So don’t do everything for your ex or simply tolerate breadcrumbs. Your ex won’t respect you if you lack respect for yourself and make the job super easy for him or her. On the contrary, your ex will likely feel overwhelmed and take you for granted again. When your ex takes you for granted, you can kiss your chances of getting back together goodbye. You won’t get your ex back because your ex won’t see the value you bring to the table.
No matter how regretful your ex appears and what dismissive avoidant tendencies he or she displays, remember that your ex must come to you. He or she must recognize your value and start to earn your trust back. Your ex can do that not by staying passive, but by contacting you, apologizing, seeking help, showing improvements, and not giving you any reasons to doubt him or her.
Before you take your ex back, you should ask yourself whether you were truly happy and if you want the same kind of relationship. Do you want to be with someone who has difficulty expressing emotions and making you feel important? If you do, you should remember that your ex might not change for a very long time, if ever, and that you’ll most likely experience similar issues. Your ex might also disconnect emotionally and get tired of being with you.
If that happens, you’ll get hurt again.
That’s why I encourage you to think long and hard before you get back with a dismissive avoidant ex. Remember that your ex doesn’t have to stay this way forever. He or she can get rid of his or her deep-seated insecurities and become a more expressive and loving person. But for that to happen, your ex will probably need to reach out for help. Someone will need to explain to your ex that his or her romantic relationships won’t be able to reach their full potential until he or she discovers the root cause of his or her insecurities and decides to deal with them.
I can’t tell you what to do or not to do. But if you want what’s best for you, be careful about reconciling with an ex whose emotional needs and communication style clash with yours. The person you choose as your life partner influences your mood, happiness, and well-being. You need to choose someone you’re happy with and don’t need to change to fit your personality, maturity, goals, and purpose.
Do you agree with the signs that your dismissive avoidant ex wants you back? Do you have any signs of your own to add? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
However, if you’re seeking personalized advice about your breakup, feel free to contact us directly. We offer coaching services to support you throughout your breakup process.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
