Should I Talk To My Ex For Closure?

Should I talk to my ex for closure

A closure conversation can be highly beneficial. It can help the dumpee understand the reasons for breaking up and what he or she needs to work on to become a better version and avoid breaking up for similar reasons in the future. Talking about the breakup can lower the dumpee’s false hope and obsession with the dumper.

The more respectful, open, and empathetic the conversation, the quicker the dumpee can accept the breakup and move on with his or her head held high.

If the dumpee doesn’t know why the breakup happened, the dumper can provide him or her valuable information and prevent the dumpee from assuming the worst and blaming himself or herself. The dumper can show the dumpee that the breakup isn’t personal but that it needed to happen for both their sakes.

If you feel confused (not just hurt) you should consider talking to your ex for closure. Your ex might give you answers you badly need to stop analyzing and overthinking. You might feel better and let go of your ex quicker if your ex admits to making mistakes and feeling sorry for leaving.

Just keep in mind that you might also hear things you don’t want to hear.

If your ex lacks patience, compassion, and/or desire to talk, your ex could ignore your feelings and pin the blame on you. He or she could make you feel entirely responsible for causing the breakup and destroy your remaining expectations, hope, and self-love.

Your ex won’t help you feel better when he or she feels and acts victimized, bitter, and resentful.

That’s why it’s important to understand that a closure conversation with an ex might not go as smoothly as you want it to. Your ex might say mean things, lie, avoid answering questions directly, appear cold and heartless, and put the blame on you. That would make you feel worse than before you tried to talk to your ex about the breakup.

Many dumpers don’t want to discuss relationship and breakup topics. They’re emotionally exhausted and don’t want to be reminded of the past. They’d rather focus on the present and act like the breakup happened years ago. Such dumpers feel pressured and aren’t ready for closure conversations.

Every time the dumpee wants to know why they think and feel the way they do, they feel guilty or pressured into engaging in reflection.

If your ex doesn’t seem open to having a closure conversation, don’t reach out to your ex and make it seem like he or she owes you closure. Closure is helpful, but if your ex doesn’t want to give it, you shouldn’t guilt-trip, pester, and force your ex. You should consider your ex emotionally unreceptive and unwilling to talk about the things you want to talk about.

Your ex can’t help you when your ex fosters unhealthy perceptions and feelings and needs time to process the separation. You’ll have to find other ways to get closure. Other ways include reflecting on your ex’s past behavior and learning how and why people act that way. You’ll learn the most by studying your ex’s actions and reactions.

So if you’re contemplating talking to your ex for closure, bear in mind that the ideal time to do so is when you get broken up with (during the breakup). You should ask all the questions you need to understand your ex’s reasons for leaving you so you don’t need more answers during no contact while your ex is enjoying his or her space and freedom.

Reaching out for closure weeks after the breakup may not go according to your expectations. Your ex may not care enough to respond, let alone talk about the breakup. Many dumpers stop caring about their ex after a while and despise thinking and talking about matters of the past.

They want to avoid topics that make them feel pressured and responsible.

You can initiate a closure conversation if you’re still in contact. Your ex may not like it, but he or she will probably be willing to help. Exes who remain in touch are usually open to answering breakup-related questions. Especially if dumpees express themselves politely and avoid judging, pressuring, hurting, and angering dumpers.

My advice is to talk to your ex for closure only if:

  1. It’s only been a week or two since you broke up.
  2. You still talk and respect each other.

If your ex appears angry and victimized, you shouldn’t be asking for explanations. You should be keeping your distance and indirectly letting your ex know that you love yourself more than him or her. Your inactions will show that you’re focusing on yourself rather than seeking closure or reconciliation from an ex who has all the power and feels smothered.

If you talk to your ex when he or she is resentful and unwilling to talk about the past, you’ll probably infuriate your ex and receive responses that hurt you even more. What your ex does depends on your ex’s personality and character, but if you know your ex likes to point the finger, especially now that the relationship is over, you’re better off not seeking closure from your ex.

Remember that a bitter ex will cause more problems than he or she will solve. Your ex will probably bring out your worst fears and make you feel unworthy of explanations and love.

So if you’re on the fence about talking to your ex for closure, ask yourself how your ex thinks and feels. Figure out whether your ex even wants to help you understand where things went wrong and what you must work on. If your ex’s perception of you and attitude toward you suck, it’s better to find closure on your own.

Bothering your ex will only result in disappointment and suffering.

Today, we discuss whether you should talk to your ex for closure and what you should say.

Should I talk to my ex for closure

Should I talk to my ex for closure?

You should talk to your ex for closure only if you don’t understand why the breakup happened. If you feel abandoned and hurt, that’s not something closure will fix. Dumpees need to recover from heartbreak by learning to accept the breakup, love themselves, and enjoy their life. They can do this not by talking to their ex but by not talking.

Physical and emotional distance can help them recover emotionally and increase their self-love. Not talking to the person who hurt them can teach them they don’t need their ex and that they’re responsible for their healing, self-improvement, and moving on.

So if you want to talk to your ex just because you feel sad, anxious, and depressed, know that it’s not a good reason to contact your ex and risk pressuring your ex and resetting your healing. You should rely on yourself and friends, family, and mental health experts. They’ll listen, let you vent, and help you make decisions.

Your ex, on the other hand, will keep you emotionally hooked and prevent you from working on yourself.

You need to figure out what you want from your ex. Is it closure or emotional support? If it’s emotional support, your ex may not be your go-to person. Not unless your ex treats you well and encourages you to reach out whenever you’re struggling. In that case, you may contact your ex and confide in your ex.

Use the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings. You may feel better and need your ex less and less over time.

However, if you want closure, reaching out to your ex is okay only if your ex is still open to talking and providing the information you seek. In that case, you should contact your ex and ask the questions you need answers to. I don’t recommend reaching out to your ex if you had an ugly breakup or if your ex seems super relieved, happy, vengeful, and competitive.

An ex like that won’t give you the sympathy you seek. On the contrary, he or she will trigger your separation anxiety and make your depression worse.

Seek closure from the dumper only when the dumper is in control of his or her emotions and happy to help you understand the breakup. You can tell your ex wants to help when you part ways on good terms and receive an invitation to reach out and talk about the breakup.

Reach out when you’ve processed the rejection and feel emotionally ready for any response, including a response that goes against your expectations. Hope for the best but expect the worst. That way, you’ll accept your ex’s response, whatever it may be.

Having said that, here’s when you can talk to your ex for closure.

When can you talk to an ex for closure?

How should I ask for closure?

If you decide to talk to your ex for closure, first apologize for bothering your ex with questions he or she probably doesn’t want to talk about. Say that you just want to ask one or two questions if that’s okay. Assure your ex that you’re just wondering something, that it will help you immensely, and that you’ll leave him or her alone afterward.

Once you receive the green light to ask what’s on your mind, get straight to the question and ask your ex what you want to know. Your ex will probably feel understood and respected enough to answer your questions. That is unless you ask private questions that make your ex feel pressured, guilty, and stressed.

For example, if you ask for proof that your ex did or didn’t do something, your ex will likely feel judged and tempted to hurt you and push you away. It’s better not to ask questions that force your ex into a corner and start an argument.

Does closure require a conversation with your ex?

Closure doesn’t require you to talk to your ex. You can learn what triggered the breakup on your own or with the help of family and friends. It’s possible to get closure indirectly, otherwise, ghostees (those who get ghosted) wouldn’t be able to understand the breakup, accept it, and get over it.

Sometimes dumpees don’t get closure directly from their ex. They don’t get to talk about the breakup, so they have to find closure without the dumper. They can do this in many ways.

The best one in my opinion is journaling. Writing down how your ex behaved before, during, and after the breakup can help you understand how your ex felt and why he or she left. It can also serve as a form of therapy as it can make you express your thoughts and feelings.

Journaling is one of the best ways to dive deep into the breakup and learn why your ex said and did the things he or she did. You can write down anything that comes to mind or use the 5 whys technique.

It works like this.

  • My ex left me. Why?
  • Because he wasn’t happy. Why?
  • Because we argued. Why?
  • Because we didn’t listen and communicate properly. Why?
  • Because we had high egos and lacked communication skills. Why?
  • Because we never took the time to invest in ourselves?

You can ask yourself “Why” as many times as needed – until you get the answer (closure) you need to accept the breakup. You may discover that your ex got overwhelmed with daily stressors, took you for granted, stopped investing in you, and left you thinking he/she could be happier on his/her own or with someone else.

Feel free to write a letter to your ex. Include your feelings, interpretations of the breakup, and things you wish to improve about yourself. When you’re done writing it, tear it. You don’t want to overwhelm you with your emotions, problems, and discoveries because you probably won’t get a response.

The most you’ll get is an acknowledgment.

If writing letters and journaling isn’t something you enjoy, you could always talk to people with breakup experience and knowledge. They may see things from a more rational perspective and share their observations with you. Talking can be very therapeutic. I encourage you to open up to people you trust and want around as friends.

It could help you find closure without your ex’s help.

Moreover, you can also get closure by practicing forgiveness and self-forgiveness. This means forgiving your ex for hurting you and yourself for making mistakes. Think of your mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow, both as a person and as a romantic partner.

All in all, the breakup happened for a reason. You need to discover the reason, work on it, and do better in the future, whether it’s with your ex or someone else. You need to focus on building the life you want and work toward it.

Do you think you should talk to your ex for closure? How would you approach your ex? Post your thoughts below.

And if you want to confide in us and search for closure together, subscribe to private coaching on our coaching page.

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