If a girl hurt you and doesn’t care about you, it will help if you understand that the girl is projecting her pain and anger onto you because she thinks you deserve to suffer. She hasn’t been able to process all relationship issues from the past and leave them behind, so she dragged those issues into the present and now expects you to take responsibility.
She wants you to see and feel that she’s hurting because you hadn’t been reaching her expectations and making her happy. In her mind, you’d been neglecting her by putting yourself before her.
So if this person in question dumped you and you’re ready to mend the relationship, bear in mind that she doesn’t want you to suddenly become you 2.0 and start fixing all the unresolved issues. She just wants you to know that she stopped caring, that she’s hurting, and that the time for fixing relationship matters is over.
Now it’s time to defuse the situation by letting the issues rest. And the only way to let them rest is to give the girl some space to deal with her anger, resentments, or contempt and focus on your own problems.
Your instincts probably tell you to call her and apologize for your improper behavior, but before you do that, know that reaching out to her when she’s in a position of power is probably not the best idea. Instead of supporting her and helping her cool off, explaining, apologizing, and begging will most likely give her your ex remaining power and transform you into her punching bag.
It will make you into someone she can take her anger and frustrations out on.
And that’s bad because when you show her you’ll tolerate abuse, you’ll lose all her respect and stop her from falling back in love with you. You’ll become an ex she can hurt and disrespect whenever she feels victimized and wants to make herself feel better.
So don’t do it. Don’t be there for her when she’s unstoppably angry and considers you the cause of her misery. You shouldn’t be anywhere near her even if you messed up badly by cheating on her with her best friend and lying about it for months.
Remember that an angry, cold, or indifferent person doesn’t want to be helped. She is in a position of power and likes being in that position because she feels that for the first time, she can finally think, say, and do what she wants. She can be free and independent and not have to rely on you for fixing things and feeling better.
She can do these things by herself. And you need to let her so she can cool off, stop blaming you for the way she feels, and see that she wasn’t perfect either.
So if a girl has hurt you and doesn’t care, don’t immediately assume that she wants your help. If she’s not asking for help by communicating with you and treating you as an equal, she wants to gain power and control over you and make herself feel better by putting you down.
She isn’t concerned about repairing the relationship, but rather about repairing her pride and staying in complete control of the breakup.
If you have doubts as to whether the breakup is real or fake (temporary), just wait a few days. You’ll know it’s fake if she processes her anger, runs back to you, asks for reassurance, and gives you your power back.
Why doesn’t she care that she hurt me?
Your ex-girlfriend doesn’t care that she hurt you because she’s trying to protect herself. She feels that you’re incapable of making her happy, so she got back at you (projected her feelings onto you) and distanced herself from you.
She did this because her self-defense mechanism kicked in and told her to stay away from someone she’d been thinking poorly of.
If she thought healthier thoughts and knew how to express her negative thoughts and unwanted feelings, she wouldn’t have developed resentments and impulsive needs to stay away from you. She would have known that she’s responsible for maintaining the relationship as much as you and that she needs to keep her relationship going by remaining in control of what she thinks and feels.
But because she couldn’t stay in control of what she thought and felt (lacked self-awareness and emotional self-control), she let the negativity overshadow her and cause her to forward it to you. This knee-jerk reaction was her way of saying that she’s unhappy and that you’re the one responsible for it.
So if she hurt you and doesn’t care about it at all, don’t think that you’re solely responsible for the way she behaves. Yes, you probably contributed to her unhappiness and handled things worse than you should have. But, on the other hand, you’re only human, born to make mistakes.
It was your ex who should have learned to express herself and deal with her emotions before they developed into bitterness and disdain. It was she who needed to control her anger before it accumulated to the point where she wants nothing to do with you anymore.
I suppose it’s easier for human beings to hold someone responsible for the way we feel than to admit we’re angry because we lack control of our emotions. It’s easier to say “You irritate me/make me angry” than to say “I feel hurt and disrespected because I have a feeling you don’t always care about me.”
I know that anger is in all of us and that we’ve inherited it through evolution, but just because our ancestors had it and gave it to us, it doesn’t that mean we should project it onto others. To perceptive people who know where anger comes from, angry people appear impulsive and out of control.
And out of control just isn’t attractive.
It shows that a person’s thoughts and feelings are disorganized and that he or she seeks respect, justice, and stability by any means necessary. Often by instilling fear.
So if your ex is angry even though she dumped you and doesn’t seem to care about you, don’t beat yourself up for her behavior. The reasons why she doesn’t care about you have a lot more to do with her than you. It’s got a lot to do with her perceptions of you and her inability to control herself.
Again, she probably has a reason to feel hurt and disrespected, but her uncaring behavior has nothing to do with who you are as a person. It never did and it never will.
With that said, here are 5 reasons why she doesn’t care that she hurt you.
The most important thing I’ve learned and think about almost daily is that every person is responsible for what’s going on in his or her head.
Every person must:
- develop self-awareness
- grow moral values, empathy, willpower, and self-esteem
- learn to control intrusive thoughts and unwanted emotions
- maintain his or her relationship by watering it (investing time and energy in it)
- build a life outside of the relationship (hobbies, family, friends, ambitions…)
- occasionally reflect on shortcomings and ponder about whether his or her behavior is appropriate
- and improve relationship skills (communication, gratitude, perceptions, respect, trust, boundaries, support, resolving conflict, and planning for the future)
The more a person does these things, the less likely it is that her relationship will get affected by internal or external stressors and break apart. It’s much more likely that her relationship will be loving and fulfilling.
But there’s just one catch.
Her partner must be willing to do grow with her because if he isn’t, he gets left behind in terms of maturity—and the relationship becomes imbalanced.
What to do when someone hurts you and doesn’t care?
If your ex-girlfriend hurt you and doesn’t care very much (or at all), you have to understand that she currently isn’t capable of caring about you. She’d emotionally burned herself out and will need some time before she’s ready to talk again and treat you fairly.
I know that “not being capable of caring about you” doesn’t excuse her behavior, but keep in mind that as your ex is, she just doesn’t have it in her to do the right thing. She lacks control over her post-breakup emotions and will therefore need a lot of time to recover.
Time is a natural healer as it helps people emotionally distance themselves from their problems and makes them see things from a clearer, more rational perspective. This is why giving your ex time to process the breakup is an absolute must.
You must do it because your ex doesn’t possess the skills nor the willpower to resolve her self-destructive emotions right now. She just wants to rest and not think about it at this point in time.
The thought of not speaking with your ex probably scares you and makes you wonder if your ex-girlfriend will forget about you and move on, but as painful as the breakup is for you, try not to be afraid of that which you can’t control.
Instead, do your best to focus on things that you can do something about.
Things like learning why the breakup occurred and what you can do to improve yourself and avoid running into the same issues in the future.
Remember that as long as your ex has all the power and so little respect for your emotional health well-being that you’re much better off without her. You’re going to heal much quicker if you get some space from her because her uncaring attitude can’t heal you.
It can only bring you down and make you blame yourself.
You probably don’t see that your ex is the biggest concern to your health right now because you’re hurting and still want your ex to empower you. But give it a few months and you’ll understand that worrying about your ex’s lack of care, sympathy, and respect is pointless.
Not only is it damaging to your self-esteem and healing, but it’s also a complete waste of time.
It’s a waste of time because you could be spending time with people who care about you and focusing on things that enrich your life.
Should I hurt her back to make her care?
If this girl doesn’t know or care that she’s hurting you, don’t hurt her back. Don’t cause her pain because if you do, you, you’ll become just like her. You’ll become a person who reacts to stressors, inflicts pain, and expects others to respect you because of it.
The truth is that causing pain doesn’t earn you any reward points. It actually takes them away as it turns you into a person you despise the most.
I get that this girl has hurt you a lot and that she should care about your feelings after everything you’ve been through. But if she doesn’t respect you, don’t force her to respect you. Don’t turn into the bringer of justice and hurt her back.
Hurting her would most likely cause her pain and bring another bad reaction out of her. That reaction would then hurt you back, and before you know it, you’d find yourself in an-all out war with the person you’re attached to.
If you think that your ex has wronged you, there’s a much healthier, safer, and maturer approach you can take to handle the problem. And that approach involves no fighting, shouting, complaining, and hurting your ex-partner. All it requires of you is to be the bigger person and let go.
Let karma take care of your ex while you invest in yourself and outgrow your ex. You don’t need to make it your life mission to be a better person than your ex, but do strive to gain control over your emotions and actions and become the best version of yourself.
If you focus on bettering yourself and use the motivation given to you by the breakup, you’ll outgrow your ex whether you want to or not. You’ll reach new heights because you’ll reflect on the past and rewire your thoughts and behavior in ways that you want to rewire them.
So let your ex have the last laugh for now. Let her get away with it. A time will come when she treats someone else this poorly and learns her lessons the hard way. That’s when she may realize that she should have been nicer to you.
Hopefully, you won’t care too much about it when that happens and will just forgive your ex for mistreating you.
Always remember that karma strikes unexpectedly. It hits those who point the finger at others and refuse to do anything about their behavior.
So make sure to get on the good side of karma and let your ex stay on the bad side if she chooses to do so.
Did she hurt you and doesn’t care about you at all? How did you respond to her mistreatment and what are you planning to do about it? Comment below.
Also, if you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance, click here to see our coaching plans.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Once you realize that caring about anything about you is the last thing on their minds, you become indifferent. Godspeed.
Absolutely, Jack.
But it takes lots of time and trial and error to detach to the point where rationality kicks in.
Best,
Zan
The mother of my 3 year old twins abandoned me and the kids 3 days before I was supposed to start the best job id ever had. The probation period was 6 months, I lasted 3 months but it was a physically demanding job. I got mandatory overtime regularly and as soon as I got off work I would come home and have to take care of the twins. I did this for 3 months but I was so exhausted and I ended up being late too many times and was fired. That caused me to become very depressed because I actually enjoyed the job and I was good at it as well. A week after I got fired I find out that she has started a new relationship with my brother and that was who she had been with the whole time. That’s who picked her up the day she left. It’s now been a little over 4 months since she’s been gone. During that time she has not tried to see or talk to our kids not one single time. Their birthday was like 3 days after I got fired. She didn’t try to see or contact them even on their birthday. Now I’ve got 2 beautiful kids with absolutely nobody to help me with, a mountain of bills, and no job and no idea how I’m going to pay the bills. I’m so depressed I haven’t even started looking for a new job yet. The last 4 months has been the hardest 4 months of my life, I gave it everything I had at the new job only for it to still not be enough and the whole time she’s been somewhere laid up with my brother without a care in the world and I’m the only person that provides for our kids. Everything about this situation is so ridiculous that I can’t even wrap my mind around it. I’m feeling very defeated. Winter is just starting and the risk of my 3 year old twins and I becoming homeless is very real, and their own mother couldn’t care any less. If karma is real, I would love to have a few words with her. If I wasn’t living this out myself Idk if I would even believe it if somebody else told me it was what they are going thru because it sounds like something straight out of a soap opera or something. I’m not a violent person but I can definitely understand why some people choose violence now. But the most important thing is my kids. I just really wish I knew how to pick myself up out of this slump so I can do what I have to do for my kids. One thing I know for sure is there is absolutely nothing that my kids mother or my brother could ever do to get me to allow them to come back into my life. They could both die tomorrow and I would not even attend the funeral. This is unforgivable and they will never get another chance to hurt my kids and I like this ever again.
Hi Devin.
I’m sorry you were betrayed like this, especially by the people you trusted the most. It seems that your ex called it quits when you were stressed and needed support the most. She got overwhelmed, detached, and reattached to your brother. You’re now left with the kids, bills, and no work. Try not to get overwhelmed. Take it one day at a time and seek professional help. As soon as you’re able to function, force yourself to look for a job. You need financial security to not stress and worry about the future.
As for your ex and your brother, they don’t deserve a spot in your life. They have done the worst thing imaginable.
Kind regards,
Zan
Typically I lose interest after a few scrolls. However, this subject is word for word what I googled, and everything stated was exactly what I needed to hear. Even if some of it I already knew, it still feels comforting to read it from someone else.
I’ve made so many mistakes after the break up to try and make sense of things, and the unfortunate results are just as you explained. I let her actions get to me, I tried helping and now she has the power over me. After reading this, I know I am the bigger person, and it’s no one’s business to know but me.
Thank you so much for taking the time to put this together. I’ll probably print this out to put on my mirror and read it again and again for a reminder!
Hi Chris.
I’m glad you enjoyed reading the article. Feel free to also check out some of our other posts. You might find them helpful too.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan.
Long story short (as short as I can make it).
Love of my life – I’ve known her since 13. Met online. Spent a lot of time together in person. Harmonious when together.
However, we’ve been online for far too long (6 years since we first met in person). Upon meeting her, I initially asked about marriage and immigration – but she just said she simply couldn’t sponsor me yet. Over time, it silenced me – and I was then just waiting for her to be able to sponsor me – and I became complacent. I started to take the conversation for granted, thinking it didn’t matter any more because we were going to be together anyway. I stopped saying how much I loved her, how beautiful she was – because, I thought by this point it was implicit. I stopped talking about the plan to be with her, but so did she – but, as I say – I thought she was in control and I was waiting for her.
We share everything in common – the most niche things imaginable. We’re just perfect on paper.
However, I fucked up a lot in the relationship – sexted a friend of hers – disappeared on her when I was younger – but she stuck by me.
Too much power-play, sexual fantasies – just a lot of craziness that got out of hand because we were trying to overcompensate for the distance, but it turned into a toxicity as neither of realised that despite being perfect on paper – we both had conflicting emotional issues that were enabling us and distorting our perceptions of each other. There were no boundaries, nothing.
It turns out, she was insecure – so never said no to me. This was making me think she was open to all the things I suggested – and things got out of hand. She wanted me approval and validation – and just wanted me to love her. She never communicated anything.
The sad thing is, in person I’m just a normal guy – very sweet, very affectionate – and we got on so well. None of it would have happened were we simply together and not online.
During lockdown, she (26 Asian) monkey-branched me for a 61 year old man at her work who love-bombed her with compliments and gifts while she was left flat from being with me. He also made the creepiest red-flag comments like “You remind me of my dead girlfriend” and “Can I take a photograph of your face it’s the only thing that will help me sleep at night” and “you’re special – I haven’t been with a woman in 7 years” and “Can I take photos of you if we have sex”. He saw she was vulnerable, and feeling flat and unloved because of my behaviour – and he totally played her. But, to his surprise – a full-blown relationship has come of it.
She says he made her realise how a relationship should be. She blames me for everything, and for the first time I’m hearing all kinds of things I’ve done in the relationship and how it hurt her. She never communicated these things to me at the time, and I habitually became worse as a partner because I wasn’t learning from them.
I’ve now realised, she was just very insecure – never said no to me, tried to do things to appease me – showed me kindness and love in hope to receive my approval and validation – and it all just made me a very bad, complacent neglectful partner.
She blames me for everything, yet she was also in the relationship – and didn’t communicate anything. She says she’d been feeling miserable the past year – but never let me know – and let it get to the point where she left me for somebody else – put me through heartbreak, shame and guilt – than communicate, ask me to be more considerate and to start talking about the plan for us to be together again. Her life hasn’t changed, but the life I was waiting to have with her in Canada – the family I wanted to start with her – it’s gone. She’s complete turned my world upside down.
She’s said some horrific, traumatising things to be since the breakup. She seems completely lacking in empathy for what I’m going through – and despite months of me reflecting on the mistakes we both made in the relationship and promising her I can be a better partner – and that the distance can be overcome if we just put in the hard work – she won’t leave him and come back to me. He’s there, I’m just an entity on a phone screen.
She idealised me for too long, because it was through text – but I’m in reality I’m not perfect – nobody is – I had severe issues, and she didn’t want to work on them. She made me responsible entirely for her happiness, and when I wasn’t making her happy any more – she left me for him – and holds him responsible for her happiness now.
I don’t think it’s healthy to fill the void I left with somebody else like this, and I’m just hoping it will catch up with her and she’ll realise the relationship with him isn’t built on a solid foundation (it took us 5 years of communication to fall in love, whereas she left me for him within the space of 2 weeks – I also actually helped her get with him inadvertently – and she let me be part of it – so I feel so betrayed).
The tragedy is, what we had was special – it was the deepest love – and we could compliment each other’s lives so much if we just actually lived together in the same city – but to her, she’s given up – too much hurt, too much mess – she lost her emotional connection and doesn’t want to invest in me again – despite the fact we have a long viable future together.
I’m now blocked on Messenger, she won’t respond to my emails where I declare my feelings, how much I’ve realised where we went wrong – how much I’ve improved and how much I love her.
She’s still my friend on Facebook however.
She’s just made me feel worthless, but she saw me romantically for so long. She now makes me feel like a boy – and she’s a woman, and I’m just a friend and not a real man (especially because he’s 61).
I have no idea what to do at this point but keep focusing on my own life, but to throw me away for somebody of that age – to throw our future away just seems mind-boggling – despite all our issues and the fact we live in separate countries.
I feel like because I’m alone in this, and I’ve done the soul-searching – and that I recognise relationships aren’t perfect and need constant work and communication – I’m on the path to becoming a better person – but she just thinks a relationship has to be perfect – and the old guy is soothing her insecurities and giving her all the attention I didn’t realise she needed until now. He’s also there, ready-made. I hope she realises at some point what she’s doing with him, reflects and decides that what her and I have is actually worth putting work into – and that she needs to learn to depend on herself for her own happiness before being in a relationship with anybody.
Yo man you are awesome. Your approach to life and relationships is very Zen and Stoic, you help a lot of people calm their mind and grow exponentially. Glad to have people like you doing what they do in the world and just wanted to say you are appreciated. All the best!!
Hi Ahmad.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad I’ve been able to ease your anxiety and encourage you to improve yourself. It’s why I do what I do.
There should be more people like you too, Ahmad. Kindness and selflessness are rare and badly needed in this world. So thank you. I appreciate you.
Best regards,
Zan
Too bad karma isn’t real.
I think it is, John. But it probably won’t hit your ex as long as you want it to.
Best regards,
Zan
very good at all. i’m better now and thanks you a lot.
I’m glad you feel better, amin.
I hope you recover quickly!
Zan
Just wow the way you elaborate words it’s AMAZING! Thank you for being here, we are so so lucky
And thank you for reading, Linda. I wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t for all the readers.
Best,
Zan
Couldn’t have said it any better. Spot on in every sense.
Thanks for reading, DK!
Zan