My Ex Won’t Talk To Me—And I Want Her Back

If your ex won’t talk to you and you want her back, your ex likely has a good reason for not talking to you. She probably knows you want her back very badly and feels guilt-tripped, disrespected, and irritated. Your actions convey that you don’t respect her decisions and feelings and that you love her more than you love yourself.

You need her to fill the emotional gaps you haven’t yet addressed within yourself.

Your feelings, unmet needs, and expectations put immense pressure on her, forcing her to choose space over talking and bonding. Space makes her feel safe, happy, and in control, whereas talking reminds her of the past and tells her you’re unhappy with the breakup – that it’s her fault you’re hurt. Indirectly, your unhappiness tells her that you aren’t ready to move on and that you need her back to be happy.

Because she wants to prioritize her happiness over yours, she now thinks she has no choice but to avoid talking to you.

I know you want her back (probably more because she’s not speaking to you), but you must understand that forcing an ex to talk isn’t a good idea. Your ex first needs to process the breakup and want to talk to you. She must feel safe, respected, and not unpressured, and see some benefit in reconnecting. That benefit could be forgiveness, financial support, clarity, closure, information, love, or simply, a respectful interaction that doesn’t stir up old wounds.

If she considers you highly emotional and eager to get back together, she’s unlikely to respond, let alone reach out. She’ll prefer to think you’re in denial and that it’s too soon to talk/be friends.

How you portray yourself as a dumpee is extremely important. If you act mean, vengeful, cold, or desperate, you’ll likely hurt, offend, or aggravate your ex. You shouldn’t expect her to jump up and down in joy from wanting to talk to you. You should expect her to feel uncomfortable, keep her distance, and focus on people or things that make her feel positive emotions.

Literally, anyone and anything but you will make her happier.

So if you acted needy, clingy, or angry during or after the breakup, remember that your ex remembers those moments and isn’t ready to risk experiencing them again. Your ex already feels empowered by the breakup and prefers things to stay as they are between the two of you. As long as your ex feels empowered (relieved and excited to move her life in a new direction), you must let her do and feel what she wants.

You must give your ex the freedom and choice to live her life on her own terms.

This means you shouldn’t reach out to her and trigger her unwanted thoughts and feelings. Instead of telling her you can make her happy, you should understand that she’s already happy just by leaving you. She enjoys being free of obligations and likes being entirely responsible for her actions. Almost all dumpers feel extremely relieved for a while.

Not only are they relieved to be free of the burden of their ex, but they also feel hopeful and excited to spend time with new people.

Dumpers often feel this way because they’d been thinking about leaving their ex for weeks or months. During that time, they bottled up feelings of pressure, guilt, and unhappiness and failed to do anything about them. Instead of opening up to their ex and getting help, they stayed silent, allowed themselves to get overwhelmed, and decided to pursue their happiness without their ex.

In other words, they gathered the courage to dump their ex and began channeling their newfound sense of freedom and relief into other aspects of their life. Aspects such as family, friendships, social circles, occupation, hobbies, words, behavior, and things they previously didn’t know of or weren’t open to. It’s not unusual for dumpers to suddenly become interested in completely different dating partners and activities they previously spoke badly of.

This shift often comes from exposure to new social environments and the influence of those around them.

If you notice your ex speaking, behaving, or even thinking like a different person, know that your ex has found something or someone to be excited about and is trying to shake off her old identity. Your ex wants to forget the unpleasant past and have a new beginning. Many dumpers want that after leaving a long-term relationship.

They think they deserve to be happy, so they do what’s best for them even if it’s bad for their ex.

Don’t take your ex’s words, actions, and behavior personally. Think of it as her trying to find herself. She wants to forget the gestures, inside jokes, and parts of her personality that remind her of you. Currently, she associates negative beliefs with you and wants to be her own person.

Give her a few months, and she’ll stop acting strange and unpredictable. She’ll revert to her usual self.

So if your ex won’t talk to you, and you want her back, keep in mind that it’s too soon for your ex to converse with you. She’s likely still going through the early stages of a breakup and hasn’t discovered a reason to want to talk to you. Most dumpers reach out or respond to exes when they regain respect and feel curious, nostalgic, guilty, ashamed, scared, anxious, or depressed.

They talk to their ex when their ex can help them understand or gain something. Often, they communicate purely out of obligation rather than a genuine desire.

In today’s post, we discuss why your ex won’t talk to you when you want her back and what you can do about it.

Why won’t my ex talk to me?

Your ex thinks she doesn’t owe you any explanations or conversations. She’s determined that her obligations have ended with the breakup and that she’s free to do what she wants when she wants it. She can watch Netflix all day, go on endless vacations, hang out with friends every evening, or date other people.

Now that she’s your ex, she feels freed from all responsibilities, including the obligation to talk to you. She’s no longer in a committed relationship with you and has the power to get away with pretty much anything. She can ignore you, use you, call you names, and punish you—without facing any consequences.

Her lack of feelings and interest in being with you enables her to be her true self. It’s not that she’s changed into someone completely different. All she did was show you how she handles exes when she no longer desires them romantically.

No matter what she does or doesn’t do, your ex-girlfriend knows she won’t be any worse off because of it. She knows that talking to you won’t improve her life. It may just worsen it, especially if you express your feelings and expectations. This mindset allows her to remain silent and maintain her distance.

You should pay attention to how she acts now that she has no use for you. People reveal their true selves and real worth not when they’re happy and benefiting from others, but when they’re asked to do something for free, out of genuine goodwill. Something like talking to people, reassuring them, offering support, and providing closure. When they’re expected to do something for free, they’re put in a situation to reveal their mentality, maturity, morality, care, and reliability.

If your ex won’t talk to you on purpose, your ex doesn’t understand how you feel or care about what you need to feel better. She views you as an obstacle to her happiness and is entirely focused on what she needs to feel fulfilled. Right now, she has her own goals and dreams that she wants to pursue. If she feels bothered and thinks that you’re making things difficult for her, she won’t hesitate to push you away by force.

She’ll probably justify her uncaring behavior by blaming you for the past and her current feelings.

So why won’t your ex talk to you when you’re dying to converse and be with her?

The most feasible explanation is that your ex senses your regret, pain, feelings, and desperation and feels overwhelmed by them. Your ex feels pressured by your current or past display of emotions and expectations—and wants to focus on emotions created by the breakup (relief, elation, confidence, self-certainty, and hope). These emotions empower your ex, while the emotions triggered by talking to you hinder her goals and happiness.

Simply put, your ex would rather be happy than worry about your wants and needs. She enjoys her new life and doesn’t want to be reminded of the difficult/uncomfortable past. The past is something she’s trying to distance herself from and by doing so, assuage her guilty conscience.

Some dumpers know they messed up and hurt their ex, but refuse to take responsibility anyway. Responsibility would force them to talk to their ex and prevent them from living a happy post-breakup life. That’s why they act like they did nothing wrong and ignore their ex’s texts and calls for help. They act like their ex was the one who dumped them and caused them pain.

If your ex won’t talk to you, you’ve got to remember that your ex has what she needs right now. She’s not regretting her choices and doesn’t miss not having you in her life. This might change in the future, but at the moment, she’s okay with no contact and the people she has.

She probably won’t miss you and want to talk to you or be with you until she gets to experience the freedom she craved for weeks or longer prior to the breakup. She won’t feel the need to do any of that because she’ll feel good in your absence.

Expect her to reach out when she needs something from you. This could be emotional support, advice, information, validation, forgiveness, personal belongings, friendship with sexual benefits, or love. Many dumpers reach out months into no contact, with 3 to 4 months being the most common timeframe. It could take her a shorter or longer amount of time, depending on your ex’s personality, ways of thinking, and most importantly, post-breakup experience.

Your ex’s happiness, or lack thereof, is the key factor in determining whether your ex has anything important to share with you. If your ex is happy, busy, and fulfilled in most ways, your ex probably won’t talk to you. Why would she talk to you when she gets her wants and needs met elsewhere?

So keep in mind that your ex may still be processing the breakup emotions and that she won’t talk to you until she feels safe and finds a reason to talk. If she reaches out randomly or runs into you, she probably won’t engage for long. She may act like everything’s fine, but she won’t feel the need to reconnect and stay in touch.

Having said that, here are 7 different reasons why your ex won’t talk to you when you badly want her to.

What should I do if my ex won’t talk to me?

If your ex won’t talk to you, don’t try to convince her to talk to you and give you what you need. If she doesn’t feel the desire or need to talk to you, she’s still unreceptive to you and needs more time to process negative breakup emotions. Not only that, but she has to develop respect, curiosity, guilt, or some other reason for wanting to talk to you.

She won’t feel the need to respond or reach out as long as she feels empowered by the breakup and considers you problematic or unworthy of her time.

The only thing left to do when your ex doesn’t want to talk to you is to accept her decision and leave her alone. Give her the space she wished and asked for. In fact, give her more than she needs. Go indefinite no contact and show her that you’re done completely. She needs to see that you value yourself and that you don’t need her to be happy.

It’s important for her to know that you won’t chase after her and make her the center of your life. I can’t stress this enough. Demonstrating a purpose outside of the relationship is crucial for her to think positively about you and want to talk to you. If you show that your happiness, self-esteem, and purpose in life depend on her, it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll feel excited to talk to you.

She might feel bad and check up on you from time to time, but she won’t feel anything beyond that.

If you want to maximize your chances of being with her, you need to respect yourself and show her she can trust you. The only way you can do that now that she doesn’t want to talk is to leave her in charge of her life and avoid triggering unwanted reminders, perceptions, and feelings. You must avoid making things worse and preserve your value.

Your ex needs to experience life without you, stop feeling elated and relieved, and find a reason to miss you and want to talk. Once that happens, there’s a good chance she’ll reach out and be more open to communication/reconciliation.

Are you stressed because your ex won’t talk to you? What was your ex’s response? Share it in the comments section below.

However, if you need help understanding why your ex won’t talk to you, especially when she’s the only person you want to talk to, consider reaching out to us. We offer coaching services tailored to your specific needs and preferred method of communication.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.