My Ex Owes Me Money. What Do I Do?

If your ex owes you money but is ignoring you or pretending not to owe you anything, your ex currently doesn’t want to pay off his debts. He feels that you hurt him unjustly and believes that returning your money would be unfair to him for everything he went through.

The best way to handle an ex like this is to stop asking him to pay you back. Every time you tell him to cough up the dough, you show him you’re picking a fight with him—which only makes him angrier and even more unwilling to pay.

So unless you can peacefully discuss this sensitive matter on the day of the breakup or shortly after, I strongly dissuade you from asking your ex to pay you back. Asking him is most likely going to make him feel disrespected and trigger his self-defensive mechanism that would cause a serious argument.

It’s much safer not to make your ex think that that you’re trying to control the situation and punish him for dumping you. Talking to him about it would likely bring a bad reaction out of your ex. So don’t do. Don’t tell your ex what he must or mustn’t do. You’re no longer together, which is why your assertiveness won’t work.

It will probably just make things worse.

How you should deal with an ex who owes you money, personal belongings, or expensive things you bought throughout the relationship depends on how mature, ethical, and receptive your ex-partner is. For example, if he isn’t mature, doesn’t care about moral principles, and appears to feel angry, smothered, and victimized, you obviously shouldn’t ask him to pay you back.

Forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do could cause your ex to impulsively react to the pressure and say or do something to hurt you. Your ex could ignore you, block you, tell you he owes you nothing, say it was a gift, or make up an excuse that he doesn’t owe you anything because he put up with your behavior for so long.

There’s no telling how your ex-partner will react if you request, beg, or demand your money back. But if he was the kind of person who lacked control over his emotions during and after the relationship, you probably already have a good idea of what to expect.

You can expect your ex to put up a fight and hurt you. Especially if you appear forceful, anxious, and show him you want him to act in a certain way.

Asking for money from people who owe it to you is never easy. It’s hard to talk to a friend who owes you money, let alone an ex who dumped you and thinks he deserves better.

Imagine how you’d feel if you owed money to the bank and debt collectors called you, possibly even threatened you to pay them back. You’d probably be furious with them for pressuring you into paying back.

With your ex, the story is very similar. If your ex is the dumper, your ex is in charge of everything, including your emotions. He lost respect for you and likely won’t pay you back if you give him the impression that you’re commanding him to pay.

Your ex will probably resist your display of power and say no even if your ex knows that he owes you money.

So before you pick up your phone and instruct your ex to do something he doesn’t want to do, try to calm down first. Take a few deep breaths and try to think rationally. Once you’ve done that, ask yourself how is asking your ex-partner to pay you back when he already knows he owes you money going to work in your favor.

Is it somehow going to make your ex excited about repaying you?

From what I usually see, when dumpers get backed into a corner, they usually feel aggravated because they don’t like talking about matters from the past. In their heads, they’re done with the relationship (and the obligations that come with it) and feel that their ex is in debt to them for being so kind and patient with their ex for so long.

They are in a position of power and wish to decide for themselves about what they’re going to do. They don’t want their ex to get involved and tell them what they owe and what they should do. That’s not how they envisioned their post-breakup life to unfold. They expected their ex to leave them alone so they could move on fast.

In this post, we’ll talk about what to do when your ex owes you money. We’ll talk about 4 different scenarios and share some tips on how to maximize the chances of getting your money back from your ex.

My ex owes me money. What do I do?

There are three ways you can get your money back from an ex who’s refusing to pay you back. You can get it back the easy way by waiting for your ex to pay you of his or her own accord, the prompting way by asking your ex’s friends or family to urge your ex to pay, or by suing your ex.

I recommend that you first try to get your money back the nice way – by calmly discussing it during the breakup or by waiting for your ex to pay you back when he or she has calmed down and feels ready. Remember that if your ex wants to pay you back that he or she will do that on his or her own very soon. Your ex won’t just hold on to your money when he or she feels bad for owing you money.

However, if your ex doesn’t think that he or she owes you anything or knows that he or she does but doesn’t care, then you can involve other people in this matter. You can kindly ask your ex’s close friends (preferably mutual friends) and family members to talk to your ex about it.

If your ex is a decent person and wants to maintain a good picture for his or her loved ones, your ex will get embarrassed or ashamed and pay you back fast. Your ex will care about himself or herself too much to look bad in front of the people who matter to him/her.

But if your ex doesn’t care about what other people think of him or her, then your ex probably won’t pay you back regardless of your efforts and what others think of him or her. Conversely, your ex might even get angry at you for telling others about it.

Furthermore, if the previous two methods don’t work, then you also have the option to take your ex to court. Preferably, you don’t want to go down this road as it can take a long time, cost a lot of money, and leave you emotionally exhausted.

I think you should consider suing your ex only if your ex owes you a lot of money or money that you need very badly.

And lastly, if your ex owes you just a little bit of money, you can always just let it go. You can let your ex get away with it and finally cut all ties with your ex. Nothing is a bigger waste of time than fighting with an ex who isn’t worth your time and care.

Below, you will find a few things to do if your ex owes you money.

If you’re not sure whether you should even bother asking your ex to pay you back, I think it’s fair to ask your ex to pay you back for the following things:

• Gifts you bought for him/her just before the breakup (phone, computer, cooking stove, plane tickets… Such things can be considered as unused or barely used gifts. They also aren’t selfless gifts. They’re gifts you gave to your ex with the intention to stay in a relationship with him or her. If your ex dumped you days after receiving expensive gifts, your ex should pay you back for those gifts. It’s the right thing to do.
• Bills, recent vacation expenses, medical procedures, and various financial responsibilities such as loans, mortgage, children, taxes, divorce costs.
• A lot of money or money you need for yourself, your kids, or others. Your ex should know the difference between receiving and borrowing money. (For future reference, whenever you’re thinking of lending money to someone you care about, make sure to discuss the terms and conditions before you hand over the money).

Let’s now talk about what you should do about specific circumstances in more detail.

My ex owes me money and is ignoring me

If your ex is ignoring you on purpose because you’re asking for money back, you need to understand that your ex has no respect for you anymore. He or she feels threatened and pressured and will likely continue to feel that way for as long as you keep reaching out.

That’s why you don’t have a choice but to stop all communication with your ex. He or she is not willing to listen to you and pay you back, so give it a week or two to calm down and choose a different approach.

Contact someone who knows your ex very well and ask that person to convince your ex to do the right thing. Make sure the person you send after your ex knows how much you need the money so that he or she will reason with your ex.

If possible, get that person to collect the money for you so that you don’t need to meet up with your ex. Seeing your ex in person could reopen your wounds.

The reason why this method works so well is that it encourages the dumper to do the right thing. It basically puts his or her reputation on the line and forces him or her to protect his or her image. All in all, the success of this method really depends on how caring and virtuous your ex and your ex’s family and friends are.

If they care about you, they will probably advise your ex to pay you back. But if they don’t care about the principles of right and wrong and possibly even side with your ex, then you can forget about getting your money back with their help. They won’t be of any use to you because they’ll think your ex is entitled to the cash.

My ex owes me a lot of money but is pretending he/she doesn’t

When your ex owes you a lot of money and pretends not to know what you’re talking about, you’re dealing with an uncaring ex who stopped appreciating your financial support and thinks he/she needn’t pay you back. Such an ex is going to look for reasons not to pay you back and possibly even claim that you owe him/her for his or her gifts, kindness, or services.

In this particular case, getting your money back the nice way probably isn’t going to work. You’re going to have to choose a different strategy. One that involves other people.

You can first try talking to your ex’s friends and family and see if they can reason with your ex.

If that works, you’ll get your money back. And if it doesn’t, you can always take your ex to court. Consider that your last resort though.

What if my ex owes me just a bit of money but is refusing to pay me back?

In my opinion, if your ex owes you about a week’s worth of money, it’s probably not worth fighting your ex over it. The time, money, and emotions you’ll burn on a person who isn’t a part of your life anymore just aren’t worth the trouble.

Sometimes it’s better to cut your financial losses and consider the emotional benefits you will get from staying out of contact with your ex. You’ll be able to heal and move on from your ex, whereas fighting your ex will force you to keep thinking about your ex and mulling over the injustice that was done to you.

Bear in mind that it’s perfectly normal to feel angry with your ex. I felt angry when my ex owed me money too.

But I realized that she wasn’t going to pay me back the nice way and that pestering her about it or suing her wasn’t worth my time. I knew I could always work harder and make more money and that the amount she owed me just wasn’t worth the emotional turmoil that extorting money from her would have cost me.

That’s why I just said to myself, “If that’s what you think and how you want to act, then so be it.” I’ll remember this and use it to move on quicker.”

The thing that makes it hard for us to move on when our dumper ex owes us money is that our ex controls how we feel. Our ex is in charge of everything, including our healing—and that’s what we don’t like. Our ex has too much power over us and we don’t want it to work that way.

We want things to be fair.

I wanted my ex to be fair at first too. I was in a lot of pain. But after some serious consideration, I detached from her and changed my mind about the money. I decided that she could keep the money and my personal belongings. There was no point in trying to talk to her because she had convinced herself that we were even.

Of course, not all dumpers think the way my ex did. But if your ex doesn’t want to pay you back for a few dinner dates, it might be for the best to just let it go. I did too and I’d do it again just to avoid arguing with her.

Does your ex owe you money? Is it a lot of money? Let me know if your ex owes you anything by posting a comment below.

And also, if you’d like to talk to me directly or via email or phone, click here to learn how.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.