There’s a difference between complimenting (assuaging guilt) and flirting after the breakup. If your ex is just complimenting you, your ex doesn’t expect any flirting from you. Your ex just wants you to know that he or she likes or appreciates you and that he or she has no intention of reconnecting as partners.
However, if your ex is flirting with you, your ex does have expectations of you. Your ex wants you to feel good (desired) so that you reciprocate his or her actions and get romantically or sexually involved with your ex. Flirting shows that your ex wants to upgrade the relationship from the current level to a more emotionally stimulating one.
Contrary to complimenting, flirting is typically focused on appearance and personality. It’s more personal and fixated on bringing a positive reaction out of you. A reaction that would make the flirter feel desired and empowered and allow him or her to grow the bond and take the friendship to a more intimate level.
If you think your ex is flirting with you in person, one of the biggest signs to look out for isn’t the things coming out of your ex’s mouth but the language your ex’s body speaks. Frequent smiling, prolonged eye contact, leaning in, and physical touch all indicate flirting. They show that your ex is comfortable with you and that he or she wants you to feel something for him or her.
Your ex is trying to reconnect and have a close relationship with you. Whether your ex only wants sex is something you’ll have to talk about and figure out before you reach the bedroom. But for now, you should figure out if your ex is flirting with you.
Some exes feel close after the breakup because they don’t give each other space.
Such exes feel confused and may even try to flirt with each other. Sometimes flirting works and leads to a friendship-with-benefits kind of relationship. But other times, someone feels unheard or used and decides to end the complicated situationship.
Hence, it’s important to understand if your ex is flirting with you—and if so, what your ex’s goal is. You don’t want to get entangled with your ex and later realize that one person has feelings and the other doesn’t.
I strongly advise you to avoid unnecessary complications by figuring out whether your ex is flirting or complimenting—and why your ex may be doing that.
Dumpers typically don’t flirt with their ex. They have nothing to gain other than sexual benefits and the understanding that their ex still likes them. They usually avoid flirting with their ex because they lack feelings as well as any sexual desire to be intimate. Due to their negative perceptions and emotional overwhelm, they choose to keep their ex at an emotional (and physical) distance and do their best not to give their ex false hope.
Mostly highly sexual dumpers continue to flirt with their ex after the breakup. They do it to satisfy their urges until they find someone who can replace their ex and satisfy their emotional and sexual needs. Such dumpers use their ex for sex and make their ex think it may be possible to get back together if they keep flirting and doing what they’re doing.
They don’t understand that dumpers see them as sexual objects and that they have no intention of coming back as romantic partners.
So if your dumper ex is flirting with you, know that there are only two possibilities.
- Your ex regrets leaving you and wants to win you back with sexually suggestive remarks or gestures.
- Your ex still finds you attractive and misses having sex with you due to a lack of sexual options.
If your ex regrets leaving, your ex won’t just attempt to sleep with you once and give up on you afterward. Your ex will use much more direct approaches that show dissatisfaction with his or her decisions and post-breakup happiness. Your ex will make sure you understand his or her romantic intentions and that you reconcile as quickly as possible.
Regretful dumpers are in pain and crave their ex’s validation more than anything. They can’t wait to get back with their ex and feel secure.
Usually, they don’t choose flirting as their getting back together approach. From what I see, they tend to:
- Initiate contact
- Break the ice
- See how their ex is doing
- Catch up real quick
- And ask to get back together
The quicker they make plans to reconcile, the less hurt and anxious they feel.
Dumpees are usually the ones who flirt to get back together. They know their ex has lost feelings, so they try to make their ex regain feelings by making him or her feel validated. They forget that their dumper already feels validated and in control of his or her feelings and that flirting is unlikely to make the dumper feel remorseful.
When the dumper likes flirting, it’s usually because the dumper misses the dumpee’s company and doesn’t see any harm in flirting and having a sexual relationship with the dumpee. Of course, that’s very dangerous for the dumpee because it can tempt the dumpee to settle for friendship with benefits in hopes of getting back together.
It could string the dumpee along and waste his or her emotions and time.
In this post, we talk about how you can tell if your ex is flirting with you.
Is my ex flirting with me?
You can tell your ex is flirting with you if your ex is complimenting only your looks or personality and telling you how great you make him or her feel. When your ex’s compliments are all about your ex’s feelings and ways your ex benefits from you, it’s obvious your ex has strong feelings for you and wants you to send some compliments back.
Your ex wants to feel validated in return and start a new relationship with you. This can be romantic or strictly sexual, depending on what your ex wants and needs from you. If your ex broke up with you, it’s more likely that your ex wants a sexual relationship than a romantic one. However, if your ex is a dumpee, then your ex probably feels anxious and depressed and craves a romantic relationship with you.
To stop feeling hurt, your dumpee ex tries to flirt with you and get you to redevelop feelings.
So far we’ve talked about subtle flirting, but your ex may also opt for a more direct and sexual approach. He or she may compliment your body parts associated with sexuality and try to make you feel aroused. In person, your ex could touch your legs or back, but over text or call, your ex may ask for pictures (especially of your intimate parts) and ask for more and more.
If you play along, flirting could become more intense with time—and may lead to sexual activities.
An ex who’s interested in your body and mind will subconsciously mirror your behavior. Your ex will lean in when you lean in, compliment you when you compliment him or her, and send you pictures when you send pictures. He or she will reciprocate your feelings and match your intensity.
Your ex will do all these things and more just to get closer to you emotionally and get sex, love, or both.
So if you’re wondering how to tell if your ex is flirting with you, pay close attention to what your ex is doing and expecting from you. Your ex’s behavior will tell you if your ex is trying to receive sexual favors from you, working on establishing a romantic relationship, or just trying to make you feel good to ease his or her guilt or shame.
If your ex is flirting with you, your ex is telling you or non-verbally showing you that he or she finds you attractive and that he or she wants something from you. Something only you can give. This can be sex, love, validation, and other relationship benefits.
However, if your ex just wants to help you feel better and assuage his or her guilt, then your ex probably isn’t crossing the “friendship” boundary. Your ex is respecting your boundaries and saying positive things only to help you feel good and/or have a good relationship with you.
When an ex has no intention of getting back with you, the dumper won’t show attraction and hint at reconciliation. He or she will talk on friendly terms for the sake of closure and peaceful separation/friendship.
You must learn to distinguish between flirting and supportive comments and behavior so you don’t get your hopes up when your ex only feels bad for you and wants you to accept and process the breakup. You must protect yourself from thinking that your ex wants you back or you could mistake your ex’s willingness to talk and be on good terms for romantic or sexual interest.
If your ex is a dumper, you probably have strong feelings for your ex, so you analyze everything your ex says and does and hope that your ex’s behavior is a sign of flirting. You want your ex to love you so you can love yourself and feel secure within yourself.
This is understandable since your ex broke your heart and made you dependent on him or her for happiness. Your ex triggered separation anxiety and (mild) depression and made you obsessed with him or her. Your obsession is telling you that your ex is the best and the most compatible person you could be with.
However, if your ex is a dumpee, you probably don’t have any feelings or regrets. You consider flirting strange and disrespectful and would rather stay friends or not even that. The breakup made you realize you don’t miss your ex’s closeness and that you want things to stay the way they are.
You don’t want your ex to flirt with you because you don’t know how to react to it and let your ex down gently.
Having said that, here’s how to tell if your ex is flirting with you.
If your ex treats you like a partner rather than an ex-partner, your ex is either flirting with you or has no idea what he or she is doing to you. Either way, you mustn’t let your ex flirt with you or give you the idea that he or she is flirting. Not unless your ex is the dumper and wants you back.
In that case, you must discuss what must change for the relationship to thrive and avoid breaking up the second time. Let your ex know you’re willing to get back together but that you have a few conditions. The main one is doing things differently and seeing his or her commitment.
Don’t flirt unless you both want the same thing
If you want your ex back but your ex flirts with you just to be friends with benefits, you obviously shouldn’t flirt with your ex. There’s nothing in it for you other than a little bit of temporary validation and a lot of suffering later. Flirting is for couples, friends with benefits, and people who want the same thing from each other.
It’s not meant for ex-couples who both feel differently about each other.
So don’t flirt with your ex unless you’re certain your ex can give you what you need. You won’t bring back your ex’s lost feelings or make his or her feelings go away (if you’re a dumper who doesn’t want the dumpee back). You’ll only increase each other’s current feelings and expectations and complicate the already complicated situation.
Instead of flirting, figure out why you stayed close to each other even though the sensible thing to do was to go your separate ways. Do you have kids, a mortgage, or other financial or moral obligations that require you to communicate? If so, why are you putting yourselves in confusing situations?
If one of you has feelings, you shouldn’t be staying in touch and making each other’s life difficult. You shouldn’t be chatting and acting like besties even if you got along before you became a couple. As exes, you should be ensuring a quick emotional recovery by avoiding saying weird things and giving each other false hope.
You should be learning to live without each other and preparing yourselves for new romantic opportunities.
If you flirt, you’ll make the dumpee feel anxious and desperate for love and recognition or cause the dumper to feel uncomfortable. Remember that flirting is not necessary for getting back together and that most exes skip the flirting part. They reconnect without it because they want to prove they came back for the right reasons – to invest and give love.
They don’t hint at sex because that would make them look bad.
All in all, start by figuring out if your ex is flirting with you and why your ex may be doing that. When you learn why your ex is saying or doing confusing things, you can either ask your ex to stop doing it or demand space. You must keep your distance until you both want the same things from each other.
Are you still wondering if your ex flirting with you? What’s your ex saying or doing to make you think that? Let us know in the comments below.
And as always, if you want to discuss your ex’s peculiar behavior with us, subscribe to coaching and send/tell us your breakup story. We look forward to hearing from you.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
