Intrusive thoughts about an ex while you’re in a relationship are more common than most people admit. They’re often distressing, confusing, and guilt-inducing, making dumpees wonder if they’re even over their ex.
Sometimes these thoughts indeed mean that the dumpee is still in love with the dumper and wants the dumper to come back, even though the dumpee is dating someone else. But other times, it has nothing to do with wanting the dumper back. The mind simply latches onto old emotions or moments of connection and security and reminds us that the person we dated used to be important to us.
Whether we like our ex or not, we formed a strong connection with our ex and need additional time to fully let go.
We must accept our intrusive thoughts and learn to live with them. When we do that, we tend to have fewer intrusive thoughts and feelings, care about them less when we have them, and are able to appreciate our partner more.
We can’t simply ignore the past and act like our ex was never a part of our life. If we lie to ourselves and try to erase the past from our minds, we risk experiencing it even more intensely later on. It comes back to bite us because we tried to suppress or ignore it rather than working through it.
Usually, intrusive thoughts about an ex while we’re in a new relationship don’t occur randomly. Something or someone usually triggers them. This can be some negative event that makes us feel unfulfilled, stressed, vulnerable, or uncertain. Unhappiness in general causes us to look for contentment and purpose outside of our relationship with our partner.
It does this by reminding us of times when life seemed easier, simpler, and more fulfilling. It highlights the good times with our ex while downplaying the bad moments and the reasons the relationship ended.
Good times and old feelings indirectly convey the message that some things were better, different, or emotionally stronger and that we should strive to re-experience them with our current partner.
This is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because it demonstrates what we need to work on or learn to accept. On the other hand, it’s bad because it plays with our minds and makes us question our relationship with our partner. If we don’t stop idealizing the past, we may associate negative thoughts and feelings with our new relationship and feel tempted to break up or perhaps even chase our ex’s validation.
While it’s normal and okay to experience intrusive thoughts about your ex, it’s not so common and healthy to feel uncertain, miserable, and nostalgic. Such feelings indicate that you miss what you had with your ex, even if it’s for the wrong reasons. For example, if your relationship was abusive or unhealthy, you probably don’t long for the stability and security the relationship pretended to offer. You long for the way you felt when you patched things up with your ex and felt accomplished and close.
Every person experiences different intrusive thoughts. Some might briefly recall moments with their ex, while others may experience powerful nostalgic moments and wonder what their life would have been like if they’d stayed with their ex. These thoughts can vary in intensity and frequency, depending on unresolved feelings, emotional triggers, happiness, upbringing, or current relationship dynamics.
If your new relationship is significantly worse than your previous one, you may not only experience intrusive thoughts but also start missing your ex and wanting him or her back. You may convince yourself that your new relationship is unfulfilling and that you need to look for better sources of entertainment or happiness.
That’s why it’s extremely important to be mindful of the thoughts you entertain and allow to take root. Remember that unregulated thoughts damage your connection, feelings, and commitment to your partner and that the longer you ignore them, the bigger the impact they may have on your psyche.
It’s no secret that if the relationship isn’t working or feels like it’s missing some spark, you’re much more likely to experience intrusive ex-thoughts than someone who’s fully infatuated with the new person and knows what he or she wants. The best way to combat these thoughts is to strengthen your connection with your partner, stay engaged in meaningful activities, and focus on building your inner happiness.
Ultimately, your happiness and lifestyle determine how many intrusive thoughts you experience. If you still talk to your ex, hear things about your ex (especially things you don’t want to hear), compare yourself to your ex, or in any way, shape, or form, get reminded of your ex, you may not be able to avoid intrusive thoughts, regardless of whether you’re happy, busy, or with someone else.
You won’t be able to leave your ex behind because your actions will continuously trigger strong negative emotions. These emotions will reinforce your thoughts about your ex and make it more difficult for you to focus on the present moment with your new boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you want to stop thinking about your ex and reaching unhealthy conclusions, you need to cut your ex out of your life as soon as possible. Stop or avoid making breakup mistakes and thinking your ex is better in some ways than your new partner. Whether he or she is better doesn’t matter. What matters is that you focus on your partner and see him or her as the most valuable person.
Your intrusive thoughts about your ex will wane if you refuse to give them meaning and focus harder on your ex’s successor. They’ll stop bothering you because you’ll brush them off and replace them with positive thoughts, feelings, and actions.
In today’s article, we discuss why you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts while you’re in a relationship with someone new. We’ll also share some tips on how you can keep your ex out of your head and live your life to the fullest.
Why do I have intrusive thoughts about my ex?
There are several possible reasons you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts about your ex. If you were recently dumped, the most feasible explanation is that you’re still in love or attached to your ex. You remember how your ex made you feel and wish to experience that kind of love, validation, and empowerment.
Because your new partner doesn’t fulfill you in ways your ex did (it’s too soon for that – you’re not over your ex), you obsess over your ex and wonder if your ex has found someone else and is happy. Such thoughts are normal when you’re still attached to your ex and rely on your new partner for distraction and an ego boost. Your new partner eases your separation anxiety and empowers you, but not enough to replace your ex as you still depend on your ex for your emotional needs.
If you’re over your ex, however, then you’re probably experiencing intrusive thoughts about your ex due to external factors, such as interactions with your ex, hearing news about your ex, or facing issues in your current relationship or life in general. If you’re not happy with who you are, what you have, or where you’re going, you may be thinking about your ex because you didn’t have these problems with your ex. You felt secure and lived with purpose.
It’s also possible that you still feel connected to your ex and haven’t gotten used to a life without your ex. That implies that you still remember your ex vividly and need more time to emotionally distance yourself from your ex. It’s mostly dumpees who struggle to disconnect from their ex. The breakup often comes as a shock, leaving them emotionally overwhelmed and searching for familiarity and closure.
If they don’t find it, they keep thinking about their ex, despite committing to someone else. Sadly, a new relationship doesn’t instantly fix their attachment, especially if they have an insecure attachment style. That’s something they need to work on diligently, preferably with the help of an expert. If they ignore their childhood issues or issues they developed throughout the course of the relationship (as a result of their ex), they tend to bring their unprocessed issues into their next relationship.
People often obsess over their ex and miss their ex because they consider their ex someone who made them feel accepted, accomplished, needed, and desired. The challenges they went through with their ex tell them their ex is important to them. Such thoughts trigger all kinds of cravings only their ex can fulfill.
You may be having these thoughts because you’re comparing your ex to your partner and looking for reasons why your relationship isn’t as good as it should be. If you’re focusing on your ex too much and not feeling grateful for your partner, you might be indirectly searching for qualities you feel are missing in your relationship.
That kind of behavior could lead to detachment and eventually, a breakup. It’s in your best interest to express gratitude and bond with your partner before things get out of control and make you lose feelings and interest.
Having said that, here’s why you may be having intrusive thoughts while you’re in a relationship.
How to get rid of intrusive thoughts about my ex?
You won’t get rid of intrusive thoughts overnight, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your best to overcome them. Understanding why these thoughts occur and learning how to manage them can make a big difference. Once you identify their root cause, you’ll feel more motivated and empowered to take action.
First and foremost, accept your intrusive thoughts without judgment. Trying to fight or suppress them will only make them stronger. It will make you think that you have more in common with your ex than your new partner. Whenever you experience intrusive thoughts about your ex, remind yourself that they’re perfectly normal and that you might still be processing your ex’s betrayal, abandonment, or absence.
You’re going through something temporary that you needn’t worry too much about. Things will get easier when you learn to accept your intrusive ex-thoughts and consider them a part of your healing journey.
Secondly, limit your triggers. You might be struggling to leave your ex in the past because you constantly get reminded of your ex. Whether you go to places or social media that trigger reminders of your ex, you need to identify those triggers and minimize or avoid them altogether. Figure out what makes you experience intrusive thoughts and take back control of your life.
Once you’ve devised a plan on how to avoid unwanted triggers, focus on the present moment. Engage in new activities, spend time with friends, and connect with your partner. You’ll think about your ex less when you live a busy/captivating life with and without your ex.
Make sure not to set any deadlines bacause you may continue to experience intrusive thoughts for months or longer. Regardless of how long it takes, be patient and kind to yourself. As long as you want to stop obsessing about your ex and give yourself time to get intrusive thoughts out of your head, you’ll eventually detox from your ex and move forward with your partner.
If you need closure, make sure to get it. You can do this without your ex’s help by analyzing your ex’s behavior and finding the reason or reasons for the breakup. Closure can help you put the past behind you and encourage you to create positive memories with your partner.
You can get rid of intrusive thoughts about your ex-partner. But you must first acknowledge and accept them, understand why they’re happening, commit to working through them, and gradually take away their emotional power. By refusing to give them too much meaning and thinking your new partner is incompatible with you, you’ll gradually disconnect from your ex and form a strong/er connection with your partner.
Intrusive thoughts won’t bother you anymore when you rewire your brain and think of them as mere thoughts or reminders.
Are you experiencing intrusive thoughts about your ex while you’re in a new relationship? What kind of thoughts do you usually have and what are you doing to reduce them? Share your story in the comments below.
However, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 guidance with your intrusive ex-thoughts, feel free to subscribe to coaching. We’ll work through your breakup together and devise a personalized recovery plan.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
