I Slept With My Ex, Now I’m Confused

If you slept with your ex, thinking it would help you get back with your ex, you’re probably in a state of confusion right now. You got very close to your ex (as close as you could get), so you’re craving your ex more than ever before and wondering if there’s something you can do to make your ex commit.

On the other hand, if you dumped your ex and slept with him or her, then you’re probably confused because you don’t have any feelings for your ex and don’t really know why you did what you did. You did it for sexual satisfaction, of course, but other than that, there were no emotions of love driving you to sleep with your ex.

Sex is meant for couples with feelings, so you’re in a tight spot because you don’t know how your ex interpreted sex and what your ex expects because of it.

To you, it doesn’t mean much because you didn’t associate sex with the relationship. But your ex likely did, and will probably see it as a means of getting back together with you as well.

Regardless of whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper, you should keep in mind that sleeping with an ex after the breakup is a bad idea. It’s the worst idea because it makes the broken-hearted dumpee emotionally attach to the dumper and forces him or her to aim for a romantic relationship.

This is extremely unfair to the dumpee considering the pain and anxiety the dumpee has experienced due to the separation. The dumpee should be allowed to heal and self-prioritize and shouldn’t be invited to participate in couples’ activities (especially intimate ones).

Activities that make the dumpee bond give the dumpee tons of false and hinder the dumpee’s recovery.

To heal, the dumpee needs to stay away from the dumper and focus entirely on himself or herself. That’s how the dumpee can process separation anxiety, stop feeling hopeful, and get over the breakup once and for all.

If you already slept with your ex, you need to make sure it was a one-time thing. You need to say no to sex next time as sleeping with your ex over and over again won’t give either of you a chance to be self-reliant emotionally. It will just make you more dependent on each other.

You must also avoid flirting, sexting, calling each other nicknames, visiting each other/hanging out, and talking to each other.

Anything that keeps you close to each other is a no-no because it makes you focus on each other when you should be doing your best to detach and focus on your own things.

So if you slept with your ex and you’re confused, explain to your ex that you shouldn’t have slept together and that you need to distance yourselves from each other. Your ex might not like that, but space is necessary for both of your recoveries, self-reflection, and self-improvement.

In today’s post, we’ll discuss what to do if you slept with your ex and are confused. We’ll describe things from both perspectives so you know what to do as a dumpee and as a dumper.

I slept with my ex, what does it mean?

If you slept with your ex, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex still wants to be with you. Its meaning depends mainly on who broke up with who. If your ex broke up with you, your ex probably still finds you physically attractive and slept with you for old times’ sake.

But if you broke up with your ex, then your ex likely now relies on you emotionally for healing. Your ex slept with you to feel less anxious and more important in your eyes as well as his/hers. Your ex wanted more control over his or her life and thought that sleeping with you would accomplish that.

Little did your ex know that it would empower him or her only temporarily and that your ex would desire your validation even more after that.

Therefore, the reason why your ex slept with you depends on what side of the breakup you’re on. It likely doesn’t mean that you’re getting back together because exes who want that express it verbally and try to see if their ex is on the same page with them.

You see, sex happens later when they discuss the way their new relationship is going to function. So in the meantime, lower the expectations of your ex coming back. Doing so will prevent you from getting any crazy ideas that force you to stay close to your ex both emotionally and physically.

Why am I confused after sleeping with my ex?

It’s not unusual to feel confused after getting sexually involved with an ex. Both dumpees and dumpers get confused, although their confusion happens for slightly different reasons.

Dumpees tend to get confused because they expect their ex to develop feelings for them and treat them like kings or queens. They see sex as a tool for helping them bond with their ex and convince their ex to give them another chance.

Dumpers, on the other hand, wonder whether sleeping with their ex was smart and prudent. They don’t want to give their ex the idea that they’re getting back together and that everything will work out fine if they just keep sleeping together.

Dumpers want to move on from their ex and date someone new. They may not be in a rush, but they don’t want to feel that they’re stuck with their ex.

Sadly, that’s exactly what sleeping with their ex does for them. It makes them focus on their ex rather than themselves and someone else, so they feel that they’ve made a huge mistake.

A mistake that stops them from moving forward and enjoying their lives.

Confusion after sex is honestly very common. Sex gives dumpees hope and increases the expectations of their ex loving them and wanting to be with them. It’s difficult to not feel hopeful after getting intimate with a person they crave more than anyone and anything in life.

Their ex is a drug, and they want their drug very badly. They’re prepared to go to great lengths to obtain it.

As for dumpers, they don’t have any expectations and feel indecisive about what to do. They like their ex sexually and as a person, but when it comes to wanting to be with their ex, they fall short. They’re missing romantic feelings, so they don’t know whether they should talk to their ex, get space from their ex, or just leave things as they are.

If they tell their ex they only want to be friends or friends with benefits, they’ll hurt their ex and feel bad. They might also lose what they have with their ex if their ex decides to cut them off.

And they’d rather not let that happen. They may not love their ex, but that doesn’t mean they’re ready to stop talking to their ex.

You need to keep in mind that losing an ex is better than stringing him or her along. It’s better to disappoint your ex than it is to give your ex hope and prevent your ex from detaching and finding a person who loves him or her.

That’s why you should talk to your ex about the intentions behind sex right away and get it over with. There’s no point delaying it. What’s meant to happen will happen whether you want it to or not. So find the right timing and casually ask your ex why he or she slept with you.

Your ex will probably tell you that it felt right at the moment, but that he or she regretted it after and would rather just be friends. That would be a decent offer if you weren’t hurting. That’s why you should counter it by saying you’d like to focus on yourself instead and stay out of touch.

Here’s a comparison infographic between dumpees and dumpers who feel confused after sleeping with their ex.

I slept with my ex, now my ex is ignoring me?

When your ex sleeps with you and ignores you, this is a strong sign that your ex regrets sleeping with you and making you feel that you might reconcile. Your ex realized that he or she went too far and that as a result, you won’t give up on the relationship.

You’ll probably fight for it more now and directly or indirectly guilt-trip your ex.

To avoid feeling pressured, your ex decided to keep you away by ignoring you. Your ex could have explained things to you in nicer ways, but instead, your ex went for the quickest solution that pushed you away and gave your ex the space he or she needed.

Whatever you do, don’t contact your ex just to ask why your ex is ignoring you. Don’t tell your ex it’s unfair either because your ex doesn’t care. Your ex wants space, so giving your ex space should be high up on your priority list.

Among your top priorities should also be no contact as no contact can help you detach from your ex and encourage your ex to reach out when he or she is ready.

And your ex will be ready when your ex sees it’s safe to communicate about non-relationship matters.

So for now, accept that your ex is ignoring you because your ex doesn’t want to stay in touch and feel pressured. Your ex wants to be in full control of his/her post-breakup life and do what he or she wants.

Your ex doesn’t owe you friendship or relationship just because you slept together. But your ex should have communicated his or her wants and needs maturely like an adult. It would have helped you understand what your ex wants and doesn’t want.

How do I stop feeling confused?

You can stop feeling confused about this whole situation by reminding yourself that sleeping with your ex wasn’t going to change anything. It wasn’t going to bring back feelings (if you’re the dumpee) or that it wasn’t going to make your ex process the breakup (if you’re the dumper).

All sleeping with an ex did was complicate things between you and your ex as it raised your anxiety and expectations and created confusion.

You can stop feeling hopeful and confused by doing what you should have done ages ago. Instead of seeking explanations from your ex, go no contact with your ex. No contact will allow you to work through unpleasant thoughts and feelings and give you better things to think about and look forward to.

It will motivate you to spend time with friends and family and people who can help you leave your ex behind.

You may feel like you need your ex for closure, but that’s not true. You need to get rid of your ex so you can stop feeling attached to your ex and avoid creating more memories to be confused about.

If you cease contact with your ex, know that it’s only a matter of time before you understand what went wrong and what you must do now that you’re single. Most dumpees get over the mistakes they make relatively quickly.

It will take some time to forget that you slept with your ex because sex helped you bond, but you should constantly remind yourself that it didn’t mean anything important and that you should avoid it from now on no matter what.

Did you sleep with your ex and feel confused now? What is it that you’re confused about? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

And if you’re looking for breakup clarity and want our help, sign up for coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.