You can’t make people do things they don’t want to do. You can’t make them improve their thoughts, beliefs, decisions, behaviors, and especially perceptions and feelings. Once they’ve adopted certain beliefs and reinforced them with strong emotions, they become highly resistant to change from external sources. Only they can change at the core. But to do that, they must be at least somewhat open-minded, mature, and willing to grow. They must be mature enough to consider the possibility that their views might be incorrect and that their reaction may have been exaggerated.
The problem is that most people don’t like to admit their faults and change who they are. They like who they are, so they can think they’re right and feel in charge. They’d rather make others responsible for their problems and negative emotions and hog all the power just so they can remain in control of difficult situations and give themselves reasons to act or react any way they want.
The last thing victimized but guarded people want is to give someone else the ability to influence their thoughts, make them vulnerable, and hurt them again. Instead of letting a person who has hurt or disappointed them back in, they choose to think negatively of that person and feel in complete control of their lives. Control feels empowering, whereas vulnerability reminds them of the past and scares them.
I know you want to do something to make your wife love you again, but if she associates negative beliefs, thoughts, and feelings with you, you won’t be able to make her like or love you. As long as she’s convinced that she’s happier with how things are, your attempts to win her over will only backfire. That’s because they’ll tell her you’re trying to force things and that you don’t respect her feelings and decisions. When she feels disrespected, pressured, and angry, chances are she’ll lose her cool and deliberately or indeliberately hurt you.
She could do this by getting angry or frustrated, reminding you of your mistakes, pointing out your flaws, saying it’s too late to be with her, or ignoring/blocking you. Every detached person reacts differently. But typically, especially when they’re seeing someone else already, they feel suffocated beyond belief and push their husbands or ex-husbands away by force. They do what’s best for them even if it’s the worst for their long-term partner. They don’t care much or at all about their partner’s feelings because negative emotions instruct them to put themselves first.
So remember that you might not be able to change your wife’s feelings even if you turn into the perfect husband. When a woman perceives you as someone who makes her feel angry or uncomfortable and holds her back from achieving her goals, whatever those may be, she won’t hesitate to reject your advances and walk away. She’ll think to herself that you’re trying too hard, too late, and find you unattractive or even repulsive.
Wooing can be effective, but only when she wants you to try harder and still feels attached to you. Buying her flowers, taking her out on dates, or telling her she’s the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen can create sparks and show her you’ve realized your mistakes and started working on them. It can’t, however, bring back romantic feelings when a woman despises you and can’t wait to distance herself from you.
A wish for space is a sign of emotional detachment and overwhelm. Once a person feels the need to get away from you, the last thing you should do is try to get closer to her.
If you force yourself near her and/or beg and plead for another chance, she’ll likely feel guilt-tripped and pressured to do what you want, not what she wants. May I remind you that people single-handedly decide who they like and want to be with romantically? No one should pressure them to come back and be with someone for whom they lack romantic feelings or cravings. Not even you. You may have been super close to her for months or years, but that doesn’t give you the right to tell her that her feelings are wrong and that she must give it another chance.
That’s like telling a drowning person she’s just imagining the water and that she’ll be fine. Such actions invalidate a person’s reality and fight for survival.
Your wife may not be in survival mode, but she is fighting for peace, at least internally. She wants to leave the past behind and create a happier present and future. The easiest way for her to do that is to shut her feelings off and focus on distracting and empowering people and things. Dumpers usually do this by getting busy with friends and trying to connect with other dating prospects.
I’m not trying to scare you because you must still love your wife a lot, but keep this in mind if you feel tempted to try to change her feelings. Even though you want her to come back, remember that her return doesn’t entirely depend on you, your words and actions. It mainly depends on her maturity, perception of you, willingness to forgive, post-breakup/detachment experiences, and readiness to wipe the slate clean. She must still respect you as a person, be open to talking and bonding, and not hold a grudge.
When these conditions are met, she may notice your romantic value and decide to give you another chance.
In this post, we discuss how to make your wife love you again the right way by letting it be her idea.
How to make my wife love me again?
You’re probably dying to learn what could potentially bring back your wife’s feelings and see her treat you like her husband. Well, this depends on how she talks to you and what she told you during the breakup or around the time when she disconnected from you/pulled away. If she told you she felt ignored, underprioritized, neglected, or alone, she obviously wanted you to put more effort into the relationship.
She expected you to chase her a bit and show her she mattered to you. Her actions indicated that she had strong feelings for you at the time, but that she decided to protect them by keeping them away from you.
If it’s been months and you still haven’t shown her you want to change and that you care about her, it might already be too late. She might have completely disconnected and even convinced herself that you’re not good for her. When dumpers or live-in partners develop negative beliefs and perceptions, they can’t be reasoned with anymore.
Those who try to tell them they’re wrong and that they can be happier with them typically fail and feel rejected and unworthy.
So don’t think that you can make your wife love you just by saying or doing some nice things. If she perceives you negatively and isn’t open to changing her thoughts and feelings, your persistence will only make things worse. It will make her feel uncomfortable and push her further away.
You might still have a chance if she pulled away recently after saying or showing she didn’t get enough attention or wanted you to change something about yourself. In this case, she might still take you back if you take accountability and do what she expects of you. This is, of course, conditional on her feelings, hopes, and expectations.
If she still loves you but isn’t sure you love her back and are prepared to do what it takes to keep her, she might reconnect with you when you express interest in fixing things and being with her. You should do it quickly to prevent her from detaching.
Of course, fixing a damaged relationship isn’t easy. It can be especially hard to fix things when love is replaced with destructive emotions. To overcome such strong negative emotions, your wife needs to see genuine positive changes in you and/or a meaningful reason to be with you.
If she sees no reason to be with you (no way to benefit from the relationship), your changes and improvements won’t make a difference. She’ll think too negatively about you to redevelop feelings and give you another chance. In that case, your best option is to initiate no contact, give her space, and allow her to come back on her own when she realizes she can’t find what she’s looking for.
Breakups (official or not) indicate a loss of attraction, interest, and love. Lost feelings can’t return with willpower alone. I wish they could, but it takes much more than that to change your wife’s mind when she’s angry, resentful, bitter, cold, vengeful, or indifferent.
Only time can reset her feelings and cause her to redevelop them. Time followed by some reflecting, eye-opening experience. Wives or ex-wives usually come back after spending some time living their own lives and facing the reality that their expectations don’t match up with real life. When they realize that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, they engage in reflection and start to miss and value their partner or ex-partner. They do that on their own without their partner’s presence or support.
That said, here are some things to remember when you feel unloved/hurt and want to make your wife love you again.
How to make my wife love me again if we live together and still talk?
If you live together and want to make your wife love you again, the best way to go about it is to encourage her to open up about her problems. While she’s sharing important details, listen carefully, especially about the things she dislikes about you or the relationship.
Repeat the things she mentions to acknowledge her frustrations and try not to take things too personally. If you act defensively or dismissively, you’ll show that you don’t care about her feelings and that you just want what you want. That will frustrate her more and prevent her from regretting her decisions.
If you get at least somewhat along, figure out why she left and whether she’s open to your improvements. Some couples drift apart due to a lack of investment and bonding. Such couples don’t usually resent each other. They can work things out, provided they enjoy each other’s company and remind each other why they became a couple.
If your wife still talks to you and respects you but doesn’t love you due to emotional distance, rather than problems or another man, she might come back around if you listen to her and express the desire to make things right. She might eventually grow a strong bond and feel excited to do things together.
However, if she fell out of love due to cheating, lying, different relationship goals, or refusing to adapt and grow, talking probably won’t fix things. She’ll first need to forget some of your bad traits before she opens up to the idea of facing them again. This doesn’t just imply that she’s scared of recommitting and facing the same problems, but also that she feels free and empowered and doesn’t want to do anything about it.
How to make my wife love me again if we don’t live together, or live together but don’t talk?
If you don’t live together or don’t talk (whether it’s because you’re on bad terms or have gone completely no contact), making your wife love you will be much more difficult. You won’t have the chance to show her your feelings or prove that you’ve changed, so you’ll have to give her space and wait for her to have an epiphany.
She might have one when she encounters unresolvable problems, remembers the times you helped her, and desires you intimately. There’s no guarantee that she’ll fall back in love, but if she does, it will be when she struggles to deal with problems and experiences low self-esteem. Problems and pain could incentivize her to start thinking positively about you and become open-minded and receptive.
When she’s receptive, she’ll want to reestablish the connection and stay close to you both physically and emotionally. You won’t have to beg her for time, affection, and love. It will happen naturally, simply because she misses you and wants you back for security and love. A person who loves you for you will be in a hurry to reestablish the connection.
She’ll want you back quickly because she’ll need your love as badly or perhaps even more badly than you need hers. Her actions will show that she’s fallen back in love and that she wants to be and act like your exclusive partner.
So keep in mind that you mustn’t actively try to make your wife love you again. She must explore her life and discover your romantic value on her own. It will probably take a painful personal failure for her to realize what she lost and feel the need to get back in touch and love you. If you try to make her love you ahead of time (before she processes the disconnection and finds reasons to love you), chances are you’ll trigger her unwanted emotions and push her further away.
You’ll probably blame yourself and crave her love even more.
I suggest that you avoid talking to your wife as much as possible. Talk to her only when you run into her or need to talk about kids or mutual obligations. That way, she’ll feel respected and have a chance to live life on her terms. If life doesn’t go according to plan and triggers painful emotions and nostalgia, she might think about her decisions and actions and consider returning when anxiety spirals out of control.
In the meantime, work on yourself, detachment, and the things you can control. You must outgrow your old self so your relationship with your wife or someone else doesn’t face the same issues and break apart.
Are you still trying to learn how to make your wife love you again? What are you going to do to maximize your chances of success? Post your plan and questions in the comments area below. We’ll respond shortly.
However, if you’re looking for personalized one-on-one support with your wife, reach out to us directly. At MoS, we approach each relationship and breakup story individually and tailor our guidance to fit your unique situation.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
