If you acted on impulse, cheated on your ex, and got dumped for it, you probably regret being unfaithful and hurting your ex. You wish you could go back in time and avoid cheating. Well, you can’t change the past or pretend it didn’t happen, but you can focus on the present and future and control the things that are in your power to control.
You can apologize for cheating (once), explain why you did what you did, start your self-improvement journey, and show (not tell) your ex that you can change and be a safe and reliable romantic partner. Your job isn’t to convince your ex that you can make him or her happy. It’s to demonstrate your ability to understand the severity of your “mistake,” that you want to work on it, and that you’re willing to give your ex space and time to figure out his or her next step.
Getting an ex back after cheating isn’t easy because cheating destroys trust, which is the foundation on which the relationship is built. It makes the cheatee (the one who was cheated on) lose faith in his or her partner or ex-partner and build walls around his or her feelings. Cheating instantly ruins the friendship and romance couples have built over the years.
Some people forgive for cheating and others don’t. Whether they forgive depends on the relationship’s longevity and strength and the cheatee’s self-esteem and attachment. If the cheatee lacks self-love and direction and depends on the cheater for certain benefits, the cheatee is more likely to forgive than someone who understands his or her worth and has clear goals.
A person who instantly forgives makes a highly emotional decision to hold on to the cheater for safety and self-love. He or she loves the cheater more than him/herself and can’t even imagine a life without the cheater. On the contrary, a person who doesn’t forgive feels disrespected and betrayed and has the strength to reject the cheater and put himself or herself first.
He or she understands that by getting back with the cheater, he or she would risk getting cheated on and hurt again.
It’s not just vulnerability and pain that unforgiving people are trying to avoid. They also feel that they’d be breaking their own rules by going back to an ex who was unfaithful. Some cheatees strongly believe that cheating is unforgivable and that they shouldn’t reconcile and invest energy and time in someone who betrayed them.
They think it’s safer and smarter to let go of the damaged relationship and find someone they can start from scratch with.
So if you’re dying to know how to get back with your ex after cheating, remember that it’s not always possible to reconnect with someone you’ve emotionally and/or physically betrayed. Even if it was just a kiss, you showed your ex that you couldn’t control your impulses and that you put another person before your partner.
Your cheating likely scarred your ex emotionally, which makes it difficult for your ex to forgive and let go of the past. Letting go requires blind faith, something your ex may not have. Especially if your ex has been cheated on before or has experienced cheating in the family. That may have made your ex develop a belief that cheating shouldn’t be tolerated and forgiven under no circumstances.
Relationships are fragile. They often break due to something much simpler and fixable. If you truly value your partner, you should show it to him or her. Show your partner that you’re self-aware and relationship-focused. The easiest way to do that is to be honest about who you talk to and when others may be getting too close to you.
Honesty builds trust whereas cheating breaks it.
Anyway, to get back with your ex after cheating, you must take your ex’s experiences, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings into account. You must understand that your ex is in charge of his or her decisions and that you shouldn’t try to change your ex’s opinion by force. Remember that when your ex decides that he or she can’t or doesn’t want to trust you, you should accept your ex’s decision and give your ex some space to process betrayal.
“Some space” doesn’t mean a few days. It means leaving your ex alone until your ex rediscovers your romantic value and redevelops feelings. When that happens, your ex will want to talk and be close to you again. Like other couples, he or she will crave your presence, love, and recognition.
So don’t reason with your unreasonable ex and remember that your ex currently can’t get over the betrayal and pain. Your ex prefers to keep his or her distance because distance gives your ex a feeling of control and safety. It makes your ex respect him/herself for rejecting you and “doing the right thing.”
You may badly want to get back with your ex after cheating, but you won’t get back with your ex on your terms. Not if your ex loves him/herself more than you and refuses to see you in a positive light and live with betrayal. Your ex must first change his or her beliefs and perception of you. This might happen when your ex experiences difficulties and prioritizes support, affection, and security over his or her convictions and discomfort.
In this guide, we teach you how to get back with your ex after cheating.
How to get back with your ex after cheating?
If your ex dumped you after finding out you cheated, your ex lost faith in your ability to make him or her happy. Your ex concluded that the risks of being with you outweigh the benefits and that it’s safer to end the relationship and focus on moving on without you.
Getting your ex back after cheating won’t be easy. It won’t just depend on what you say and do, but also on your ex’s personality and the things happening around your ex. If your ex doesn’t go through something bad, it’s unlikely that your ex will come back. He or she will probably stay busy with other people and not regret a thing.
It’s much more likely that your ex will come back if your ex gets involved with someone incompatible who hurts your ex and makes your ex remember the good times with you. Your ex needs something negative to compare you to. If that something or someone is much worse than the relationship with you, your ex could become nostalgic and get back with you despite your cheating.
He or she might be able to overcome the cheating and want you in his or her life again as a partner.
Your ex’s upbringing, personality, and experiences in life also matter. If your ex is caring and forgiving, your ex may not become bitter or vengeful. He or she may get scared of throwing away a long-lasting relationship and starting anew with someone new and different. The fear of the unknown could urge your ex to choose you even if your ex knows that you currently don’t deserve another chance.
Some cheatees are inexperienced and naive. They haven’t learned to love themselves, so they take cheating to heart and cling to their ex. They don’t want their ex to choose the person he or she cheated with over them because they’re scared of being left, replaced, and forgotten. Such cheatees choose their ex even though their ex betrayed them in the worst way imaginable.
They don’t think rationally about what’s best for them in the long term. They think emotionally and do what’s best for them in the short term. Short-term emotional fulfillment is more important to them than long-term security and goals.
So if you want to get back with your ex after cheating, remember that your ex is in control of the breakup. Your ex decides what he or she wants and doesn’t want. You have no right to tell your ex that he/she is making a bad decision and that you can be a happy couple once more. Your ex would have believed you if you said it before the cheating. After cheating, your words lost weight behind them and only add insult to injury.
They appear insincere because they come with unrealistic demands and expectations.
If you love your ex and want to be with him or her, you must do what’s best for your ex, not you. And what’s best for your ex is space, peace, respect, and time to live his or her life to the fullest. You (especially your emotions) will only suffocate your ex and make him or her want to run for the hills.
It’s important to remember that your ex has made his or her decision. Whether it was easy to make or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that your ex has given up on staying loyal after you’ve been disloyal. You can’t change your ex’s mind just by apologizing, crying, and begging for forgiveness. Some dumpers might pity you and feel guilt-tripped to the point of taking you back, but most dumpers won’t.
Most dumpers will lose their respect for you and push you away. Once they’ve done that, you’ll have an even harder time respecting and loving yourself.
Desperation is, therefore, not an option. You shouldn’t try to convince your ex you’ve learned your lessons and that it will never happen again. This is not about whether you’ve matured. It’s about whether your ex can move past betrayal and feel safe and loved. If your ex can’t trust you, nothing you say or do will change your ex’s mind. Your ex will think you’ve changed too late and that you should deal with the consequences of your actions.
Even though it’s not easy to reconcile with an ex after cheating, there are certain things you can do to improve your chances. You can play your cards right during the breakup (closure conversation). The first thing you should do is apologize for taking your ex for granted and hurting him or her. You should explain why you acted on your temptations and avoid saying things like, “It was nothing, this person doesn’t mean anything to me, it happened only once, I felt neglected by you, and things weren’t working between us.”
You want to avoid shifting the responsibility away from you and downplaying the severity of the situation. Your message should convey that you understand why you did what you did and that you’ve gained the awareness necessary for maintaining a serious romantic relationship. Again, don’t tell your ex that you’ve grown as a result of cheating, guilt, and pain.
Your ex must see this on his or her own. That way, your ex can avoid feeling pressured to take you back and make YOU happy. Your ex currently refuses to be with you because your actions made him or her unhappy. They showed that you were thinking about fulfilling your needs and that you didn’t care about your ex’s.
So simply tell your ex that you were selfish and lacked self-control and that you’ll understand if he or she doesn’t want to continue the relationship. The closure conversation should be expectationless and include explanations, understanding, and forgiveness.
You should part ways on healthy and respectful terms. This is important so that your ex can avoid feeling victimized and resentful. Your ex needs to feel respected and have the freedom to make his or her own decisions. If your ex feels in charge, your ex can slowly process the breakup and dissociate negative beliefs and feelings from your persona.
The emphasis is on “can.” It will take an enormous amount of work to let go of the past and see you as a safe and worthy emotional investment.
You need to be patient and respect your ex, even if your ex lost his or her respect for you. This doesn’t mean you should keep bothering your ex with unsolicited texts and calls, but that you should be patient and kind if your ex reaches out and asks questions. Avoid losing your cool and resorting to threats or begging. If you want your ex to like you, you must give your ex something to like.
It helps to put yourself in your ex’s shoes and ask yourself what you’d want from a cheating ex. Would you want your ex to keep reaching out and apologizing 100 times?
That’s unlikely. You’d probably want your ex to stop embarrassing him/herself and making you uncomfortable. At some point, you’d feel trapped, disrespected, and angry and be tempted to respond negatively to an ex who doesn’t understand and care about you.
That’s why when it comes to your ex, you must understand that your ex must get back with you, rather than you with your ex. Cheating or not, your ex must find a reason to forgive you and fall back in love with you. Only then will your ex express the desire to be with you and return his or her stolen power.
Don’t bother trying to make your ex sympathize with you. Your ex won’t care as long as he or she sees no way to benefit from you. It could take a very long time before your ex naturally processes the breakup and feels like talking as just a friend. This depends on your ex’s resentment, coping mechanisms, support systems, and overall personality and character.
That said, here are my tips on how to get back with your ex after cheating.
So I can’t do anything to make my ex trust me?
Trust, respect, and love are earned, not given. You can’t make your ex see your worth and want to be with you just by buying some roses and apologizing wholeheartedly. You especially can’t do that if your ex found out about your cheating on his or her own and lost everything he or she felt for you.
Feelings and trust need a reason to develop. The most important thing they need is the realization that life will be better and more fulfilling with you than without you. Something must typically go wrong for the dumper to want to be with a (cheating) ex. Something or someone must hurt the dumper so badly that he or she discards unhealthy perceptions and beliefs and gives the dumpee some credit back.
For now, you don’t have a choice but to wait for your ex to get hurt and have an epiphany. You must be patient and let go of the desire to do something to win your ex back. There is no such thing as “winning an ex back.” An ex is not a prize, waiting to be won. He or she is a person with feelings who feels betrayed and needs time to process things.
There’s no guarantee that your ex will choose to be with you after some time, but it’s your best bet. You must give your ex space and work on yourself. When your ex checks up on you, you must appear detached, strong, and mature. These traits alone likely won’t bring your ex back because your ex will still need a motive to reunite, but it will help your ex understand what you’ve been up to and who you’ve become.
So give up on trying to make your ex trust you and love you. Your ex will do that if he or she suffers a blow to his or her ego and self-esteem and realizes you’re still his or her best romantic option. That’s when your ex will get back in touch, talk about feelings, and reveal a strong urge to reconnect and trust you.
Until your ex shows interest, avoid acting needy because it will again show that you only care about yourself. You also shouldn’t be anywhere near your ex. You should be keeping your distance and following the rules of no contact. Your top priority for now is to present yourself as a confident individual and avoid making things worse.
Your ex will put in the effort if things go badly for him or her.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
