Breaking up with a person who loves you is never easy, especially when that person is depressed and highly emotional. Depression can make things much more complicated as it can wound the depressed person very deeply and trigger unprocessed traumas and suicidal thoughts. If possible, you want to avoid breaking up with someone while or because he or she is depressed.
As his or her partner, your responsibility is to provide emotional support and encourage self-love. If you break up with your partner while he or she is struggling to love himself or herself, you won’t only come across as a bad partner, but also as someone who doesn’t understand or care about mental health.
You’ll indirectly tell your partner that you entered the relationship entirely for yourself and that you’re ready to leave it when you can no longer benefit from it. This will shock your partner as he or she desires your understanding and support now that life got hard.
And for most people, life gets hard at least once. Depression hits people of all ages and relationship statuses. They can’t predict when and how it will affect them as most depression triggers are out of their control. Sometimes it just so happens that they’re in a relationship and that they lack the strength and tools to defend themselves.
Despite that, they hope their partner will sympathize and empathize with them and guide them through depression.
Life is full of unpredictable moments. Sometimes we lose people close to us, fall into depression, and grieve. Other times, we experience problems in our (professional) life and struggle with negative self-image and direction in life. The point is that negative events can trigger chemical reactions in our brains and cause us to spiral into depression. When we’re depressed, we feel lost and scared.
Our daily goal becomes minimizing stressors and surrounding ourselves with supportive people. Usually, supportive people are romantic partners, family members, friends, and mental health experts.
The first person we open up to about our problems tends to be our partner as he or she is the closest to us, understands us the most, and can help the most. Our partner can’t get rid of our depression for us, but he or she can be there for us and help us get it under control. Our partner just has to understand the severity of the problem and care enough to put his or her problems aside for a while.
If our partner appears distant, argumentative, and insensitive, our depression tends to worsen and cause fights that negatively impact the relationship.
Every person handles depression differently, but from my observation, most people don’t want a ton of affection. They tend to feel numb and scared, so they mainly look for reassurance, distraction, and purpose.
They want to see that their favorite person understands them and is willing to stand by them even during times of psychological and emotional struggle. The last thing they want is to be considered a nuisance and get dumped.
So all things considered, think about whether you want to leave someone who is depressed. Think about why you want to leave now that he or she is depressed and how that person feels and will feel when you initiate the breakup. If you loved this person before he or she got depressed, you may be the problem as you may think negatively of depressed people and lack the skills to support romantic partners struggling with depression.
It’s hard to admit that we may be the issue, but it’s important to look within and ask ourselves if our perception of our partner has changed due to a poor understanding of mental health. Many cultures in this world still believe that mental health problems aren’t real and that people make them up for attention and self-pity.
Although certain individuals have strong coping mechanisms that allow them to dismiss their inner demons, this isn’t the case for everyone.
People grow up in different environments with different personal and societal influences and expectations. When things take an unexpected turn, we may suffer a powerful shock and experience a feeling of hopelessness, also known as depression. Sometimes depression can be avoided, but other times, it cannot. When we can’t avoid it, it scars us deeply and requires us to go through the stages of grief/acceptance.
Depression can last anywhere between a few weeks to a few months or years. No matter how long it lasts, we expect people to be extra patient and caring. We feel vulnerable, so we don’t want any major life changes that would further upset us.
And the same goes for your partner. He or she is going through a lot and may not have enough strength to handle the pain caused by rejection. It’s hard to say how much additional stress a depressed person can handle, but since he or she is already going through a lot, it may be better to wait a bit before you leave him or her. Wait until he or she has regained his or her strength and dealt with depression.
It won’t be easy to stay in an unfulfilling relationship but try to remember that it’s even harder for your partner. Your partner feels sad and anxious whereas you feel smothered, angry, and stressed. This is one of those difficult times when you might have to sacrifice your happiness for your partner’s health. You might have to stay with your partner a bit longer and ensure that he or she can move forward without you.
There are, of course, exceptions. If you feel that your partner threatens your health and safety, it may be smart to leave even if your departure will affect your partner. You don’t want to stay when you’re at risk of falling into depression yourself.
I can’t tell you what to do or not do, but if you’re going to leave your partner, make sure it’s for the right reasons and that you don’t make things super difficult for him or her. You may not love your partner, but that doesn’t mean you should cause more pain and worsen his or her depression.
In this post, we discuss how to break up with someone who is depressed and needs help.
How to break up with someone who is depressed?
If you’re reading this post, you probably understand the complexity of breaking up with someone who is depressed. You understand that your partner is going through a difficult time and that breaking up with him or her requires the right approach and timing or that it may not be appropriate at all.
Before you break up with your partner, ensure that you’ve lost feelings and the interest to regain them. Make certain the breakup is what you want and that your partner has enough strength left in him or her to deal with the breakup on top of the issues that caused depression.
Once you’re certain your partner can survive the breakup, find the right place and time to deliver the bad news. This may be at his or her home during his or her days off. Start the conversation gently by asking if it’s a good time to talk. If it is, thank your partner for his or her commitment to the relationship and the things he or she did for you.
By pointing out some of your partner’s good qualities, he or she will feel appreciated and respected as an individual.
Once you’ve complimented your partner, proceed to the “but” topic. Say that you’ve done a lot of thinking and waiting because he or she was going through a lot but that you think it’s time to be completely honest. Tell your partner that you care about him or her a lot, but that the relationship has taken a toll on you and that you need to be alone and prioritize your health.
Avoid saying things like, “You make me feel stressed, you don’t listen to me, I’m not happy because you always…” Such accusatory comments could make your ex feel entirely responsible for the breakup and make his or her depression spiral out of control. If you want to say you’re not happy, you can say things like, “I feel super stressed and unhappy recently, we’re both stressed to the max, I worry about you so much it’s affecting me mentally and even when I sleep.”
Assure your ex that you respect and like him or her as a person and that you’ll answer any questions and even help him or her if he or she is struggling with the breakup. Your ex must see that you care and are willing to provide closure. When your ex sees that, your ex will blame him/herself less for the breakup and have an easier time accepting the breakup and moving on.
If you want to sound extra nice, you can also encourage your ex to reach out when he or she is having a hard time coping with the breakup. Tell your ex that you’re happy to talk about the breakup and provide answers whenever he or she feels confused, scared, or anxious. The more empathetic you are, the more respected and cared for your ex will feel.
And when your ex feels cared for, chances are he or she will get through the breakup quicker, think positively about you, talk better about you, and give you less of a hard time.
So how to break up with someone who is depressed?
Break up with him or her in a kind and respectful manner. Treat your partner in a way you would want someone you have strong feelings for to treat you. If you put yourself in your partner’s shoes, you will naturally adjust your tone to avoid hurting your partner.
Whatever you do, don’t break up over text. You may be afraid of seeing your partner’s reaction, but you must remain strong and do the right thing despite that. Your partner needs to see you in person (if possible) to read your facial expressions/body language and gauge your care and willingness to help. He or she must talk to you face to face or at least through voice or video call if you live in different cities or countries.
When you’re physically in the same place with your partner during the breakup, you can hug your partner and show that you care enough to be there in person. You don’t have to explain as much as you would if you were to break up over the distance.
If your partner is suicidal or shows signs of self-harm, you should also inform his or her family and closest friends about it. Your partner may not like that, but it may dissuade him or her from thinking about harming him/herself and threatening suicide (manipulating you). Obviously, every situation is different. But if you don’t want any drama and guilt on your shoulders, it may be best to show up in person and talk to your partner for as long as it takes.
If your partner or ex-partner needs to talk for hours before letting you leave, give him or her that time. Make sure you’re free that day and the next so you can quickly respond if needed. It’s important to be available and show that you’re ready to help.
Also, avoid signing up for dating apps and monkey-branching to someone else. There’s nothing more disrespectful than replacing your ex with someone else while he or she feels broken-hearted and depressed. The moment your ex sees that you’re having fun with someone else, he or she will consider you a liar and an uncaring self-centered individual.
With that said, here are my tips on how to break up with someone who is depressed.
Be there for your ex
I know it’s hard to talk to your ex when you want to break up and spend some time alone, but keep in mind that your ex won’t need you forever and as much as he or she does right after the breakup. Your ex may not even want or need to talk at all.
No matter what your ex needs, you should let your ex reach out and ask questions if he or she wants to. You’d want your dumper ex to let you do that too.
All you have to do is reply and provide answers when your ex reaches out. Be hopeless about getting back together but empathetic at the same time. Your ex will likely need months to let go of hope and get back on his or her feet.
But your ex will do that much quicker if you treat him or her with care and respect. Your behavior could determine whether your ex moves on in 6 months or 2 years. Of course, your ex’s coping mechanisms and actions matter too, but if you give too much hope or invalidate his or her importance, your ex will need additional time to heal and find his or her passion and purpose.
So support your ex if or when he or she craves support. It will be good for your ex as well as your conscience. If your ex doesn’t need any help from you, however, then simply let your ex be. He or she needs to get used to not having you around as your absence will let your ex detach and find joy and meaning in other people and activities.
Don’t agree to be friends or offer friendship as a consolation offer. Exes can’t be friends; especially after the breakup. Both parties need to focus on themselves for a while and learn to live without each other. Once they’ve regained their independence, they can get back in touch and see if friendship is possible and something they want.
Oftentimes, they don’t want it as they’ve built meaningful lives independent of each other.
I hope you’ve learned how to break up with someone who is depressed. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to share them in the comments below. We appreciate your input.
Lastly, if you’d like to confide in us about ways to let go of a depressed partner, reach out to us directly. You can do so by signing up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
