If your ex-boyfriend is confused about what he wants, your ex is struggling to find reasons to be with you. He currently doesn’t feel any love for you and wants to be left alone to focus on people or things that fulfill him. I don’t know what or who makes him feel good, but one thing’s for certain.
He knows exactly what he doesn’t want. And what he doesn’t want is to be in a committed romantic relationship with you.
He could have told you that directly but chose not to because he didn’t want to hurt you and see you sad. To avoid hurting you further, he lied and said he didn’t know what he wanted. This statement can be interpreted as: ‘I know what I want, and it’s not a future with you.’
He said it to stop talking about his plans, wants, and needs—and assuage his guilt.
Many dumpers use this excuse during or after the breakup. Unsure of how to avoid breaking their ex’s heart, they say they’re confused and by doing so, minimize the pain caused to their ex.
Usually, they say this when their ex asks them:
- Why are you breaking up with me?
- What are you going to do now?
- What do you want from me?
- How do you expect the breakup to work?
“I don’t know what I want” is essentially an attempt to avoid taking responsibility and helping the dumpee understand what he or she will do without the dumpee. If the dumper plans on dating, it hides this information from the dumpee and prevents the dumper from hurting the dumpee. If the dumpee doesn’t feel hurt, the dumper doesn’t feel bad either.
He can forgive himself, clear his conscience, and work on goals unrelated to their ex.
If your ex-boyfriend told you he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants, he probably meant to say that he didn’t love you but still cared about you. He wanted the best for you but didn’t have the courage to tell you what you needed to know. He was more worried about your hurt feelings and reaction (and how it would affect him) than your right to hear the truth.
Because he was afraid you’d do something he wasn’t emotionally ready for, he gave you some generic dumper response and hoped that you’d feel satisfied enough to avoid asking any further questions. It was the quickest way for him to get you to stop asking questions and staying too close to him.
Try not to take it personally. Your ex’s answers to your breakup questions are likely surface-level responses driven by a fear of hurting you. Your ex is saying things that are best for him and confusing for you. By confusing you, your ex avoids hurting you and feeling responsible for it.
It helps your ex focus on the present and move on without dealing with an emotional and hurt ex.
So don’t take your ex’s reasons for leaving at face value. Instead, consider them generic responses dumpers use to justify their behavior and avoid dealing with an emotionally charged situation. Dumpers are okay with lying and half-truths as long as they help them feel positive emotions and allow them to be in control of the breakup.
Although some dumpers are on the fence about being with their ex, they rarely choose their ex in the end. This is because they have other plans (dating options) and think of their ex as just a backup plan. They go back to their ex only when their main plan fails and triggers pain, reflection, and regret.
To go back, they must understand they took their ex for granted and acted on emotions.
Therefore, dumpers often say they’re confused; even if they don’t mean it. But in reality, they know what and who they want. Their problem is that their ex doesn’t fit into their post-breakup plan and that they’re scared of letting their ex know that. Because they’re scared of telling the truth and receiving an unwanted response, they pretend they’re confused about what they want and how they feel.
They make it seem like they have no control over their thoughts and feelings and that they just need some time to figure things out. Sadly, time doesn’t fix their “confusion.” Time merely allows them to feel relieved and free of moral responsibilities.
To come back, dumpers must improve their perception of their ex. And for that to happen something or someone must typically hurt or disappoint them and incentivize them to seek support, approval, and love.
In today’s post, we discuss why your ex-boyfriend said he’s confused and how you can deal with it confidently and maturely.
Ex-boyfriend is confused about what he wants
If you’re wondering why your ex-boyfriend is confused about what he wants, you need to understand that he’s not as confused as he appears. Maybe he struggles with direction in life, but the guy is certain about the most important thing, at least when it comes to you. He knows he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you because the relationship doesn’t fulfill him anymore.
It traps, scares, annoys, or angers him and presents a challenge he doesn’t want to face.
The thought of being in a relationship with you makes your ex extremely uncomfortable. So much so that your ex avoids telling you the truth and lies instead. Your ex tells you that he’s confused or unsure about what he wants and gives the impression that he might change his mind in the future.
Rather than being clear about ending the relationship permanently, your ex makes you think that he still feels something for you and might want you back when he stops feeling confused. This gives you immense hope as it convinces you that your ex’s problem is temporary and likely to be resolved.
What you must understand is that your ex isn’t working on his confusion. Your ex is enjoying his newfound space and freedom and doesn’t want to change a thing. For the first time in a long time, your ex feels in complete control of his life and wants things to stay that way.
So even though he says he’s confused, keep in mind that he’s not unhappy or miserable. If he were unhappy, he’d recognize the value you bring to his life and want to be in a relationship. He wouldn’t say confusing things, ask for friendship, and string you along.
An ex who wants you in his life romantically doesn’t say that your presence or behavior confuses him. On the contrary, he says that he accepts your bad qualities and appreciates your good ones. That is the essence of love—something partners typically feel, while ex-partners do not.
Exes feel emotionally exhausted or even repulsed. Your ex may feel confused, but it’s unlikely to be about giving you another chance.
Your ex probably feels confused about:
- how to let you down gently
- how to avoid feeling guilty
- how to handle mutual friends and social circles
- who he is outside the relationship
- whether he ended things in the right place and at the right time
- whether to talk to you and be friends
- what his future looks like
What your ex feels isn’t love. It’s mixed feelings about how to live his post-breakup life without you. If he’s used to relying on you for all kinds of needs, benefits, and feelings, he may keep talking to you as if nothing happened. That would signify that he’s having a hard time losing the friendship aspect of the relationship and that he wants to hold on to you for convenience.
If you think that he still loves you and has trouble letting you go romantically, you could stay in his life, fall into the friendzone, and hinder your recovery.
So don’t let your ex’s confusion bother you. Confusion or not, your ex lacks feelings and reasons to be with you. He doesn’t regret leaving you and doesn’t want you back for security and love purposes. Because he’s detached and happy to be on his own or with someone else, you should consider your ex’s confusion a normal part of the breakup.
Think of it as something most dumpers experience. Some feel more confused than others because they have more things to figure out. Things like divorce, co-parenting, shared belongings, and goals they envisioned with each other. That doesn’t mean they’re contemplating getting back together but that they feel pressured, stressed, sad, guilty, or something they don’t want to feel.
Because they don’t have the answers their ex is looking for, they give broad responses and withhold the details their ex truly wants to know. Broad responses help them avoid confrontation, minimize conflict, and allow them to protect themselves from feeling guilty or responsible for the breakup.
This often leaves their ex feeling confused, numb, frustrated, and starved for closure.
You should always remember that exes like to give generic cliches and responses such as:
- it’s not you it’s me
- I still love you/I’ll always love you
- I wish we didn’t have to break up
- If only the circumstances were different
- I hope we can stay friends
- If years down the line, you and I are single, we can give it another go
They give away hope for free (even though it’s false hope) because they know their ex will feel less anxious and give them the space they need. Hope usually lowers dumpees’ separation anxiety and self-blame and prevents them from losing their cool.
A lot of hope, on the other hand, completely meses with dumpees’ heads, stops their detachment and growth, and tempts them to reach out and make various breakup mistakes.
No matter why the breakup happens, dumpers put themselves before their ex and do what’s best for them. If they respect and care about their ex, they may also lower their tone and help their ex feel important. They do this by selectively choosing their words and trying to make their ex feel less responsible for the breakup.
Having said that, here are 7 reasons why your ex-boyfriend is confused about the breakup.
What should I do if my ex is confused?
Now that you know your ex’s confusion doesn’t mean he still has feelings and wants to see you change, you must cut your ex out of your life. The sooner you stop interacting with your ex (go no contact), the sooner you can process false hope and give up on getting back with your ex.
You don’t need to do this overnight, but you should consider the relationship over until your ex realizes your value and his mistakes.
Don’t try to talk to your ex and clarify things for your ex. Your ex needs to process the breakup on his own. If you try to process it for your ex, you’ll come across as pushy and risk pushing your ex further away.
Always remember that confusion, pain, anger, depression, and other negative feelings are something your ex must deal with without you. If your ex wanted your help with them and thought it was possible to work things out, your ex wouldn’t have broken up with you. Your ex would have come to you and expressed the need to work things out.
Since your ex hasn’t expressed the desire to look for solutions or he expressed it but the breakup happened anyway, you shouldn’t attempt to resolve your ex’s issues. Now that the breakup happened, it’s too late to act like a partner and work on the relationship. The time to work on the relationship was when there still was a relationship to work on.
Now that there isn’t one, you should put your ex in charge of his problems and focus on yours. Your ex will respect you for it and may even reach out if he sees that you’re doing okay and won’t make his life difficult.
I can’t predict the future, but I do know that your ex has given up on working together and needs space. If you give it to your ex, you could regain/keep his respect and redevelop feelings when things take a turn for the worse. Your best bet is to stop trying to control your ex’s thoughts and feelings and wait for your ex to resolve his problems and make the first move.
If you let your ex come to you, you’ll avoid looking desperate and regain your lost power and control.
Is your ex-boyfriend confused about what he wants and needs? What is his excuse? Share it in the comments below.
And lastly, if you’re seeking personalized help in understanding your ex, reach out to us. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees analyze their ex’s behavior and provide expert tips to maximize their chances of reconciliation.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
