Does My Ex Want Me To Reach Out First?

I often hear people ask me a very common question “Does my ex want me to reach out first?

Maybe he’s just afraid I will start begging him to take me back. Or perhaps, he knows he’s hurt me deeply and is now afraid to come out of his shell?”

Before I get into more detail, I’d like to knock this common notion out of your head.

I know it hurts to hear, but when a person wants nothing more to do with you, he will make sure to show you that.

One of the easiest ways for your ex to convey that idea is to ignore or block you, reply concisely with delay, and get busy with different things.

These are some of the most obvious signs to look out for—whether this person is your partner, ex, friend, family member or anything human. The only way to be sure of anyone’s intentions is to look at their actions.

Nobody wants to appear like a bad person, so your ex is first going to show disinterest. If that doesn’t make you very happy—and people often aren’t, you are most likely going to want to ask your ex a lot of questions and try to reason with him.

Every second you spend trying to elicit answers out of him, you only end up pushing him further away. Naturally, he will want to stay away from you, which will end up hurting your ego tremendously.

Before you end up making him feel absolutely repelled, you should realize that what you and your ex want are two completely different things. He wants space and peace while you crave for validation and intimacy.

Does Your Ex Want You To Reach Out First?

Since you probably tried talking your way back into the relationship with this person before and it failed miserably, what makes you think your ex wants you to reach out first?

Not only would it be self-demeaning, but it would also empower him greatly. You must understand that since your ex isn’t reaching out to you, he is happy as he is. This doesn’t give you the right to yell at him “here I am, talk to me!”

I know how it feels to feel rejected and belittled as if you never existed. Believe me, I do. Your self-esteem has taken a huge hit so you are desperate to hear from this person who is causing you this emotional torment.

You may have a lot of things to do in your life and it might feel as if your world is falling apart. All I can say to encourage you is to be strong. Your ex unquestionably wants you to remain strong and confident in yourself— whether you are still together or not.

You might hear from your mutual friends that your ex is partying hard or dating other boys. She might even brag how great her life is now that you’re not in it anymore. Don’t let that discourage or take your self-worth away!

Nobody can take that away from you, but you (if you give it away). Remain strong and confident in your own worth and abilities. Reaching out to your ex first would prove quite the opposite.

The person on the calling end is always the one who is seeking something from the receiver. In your case, this would be you seeking love and validation. It doesn’t matter what you say, even if you make the topic about something completely unrelated to your relationship.

The fact that you are contacting your ex first means you want something from her. This puts her in a position of power and control and makes your value diminish severely in her eyes.

Dumpees who keep calling and begging after the relationship has ended, end up completely destroying their self-esteem.

My ex is tempting me to reach out

Sometimes I see exes post ambiguous lines or memes on their social media. My fellow dumpees interpret these as signs to reach out. Here are some examples of the things dumpers post:

• I’m really bored. I wish someone would talk to me
• They say your SO will never stop fighting for you
• #singlelife
• Happily single
• I never felt better

Other posts include pictures from the past that dumpees feel nostalgic about, such as locations, accessories, songs, and quotes.

Dumpees interpret these social media traps as a green light to reach out. What they don’t realize is that social media messages are not exactly what they seem to be when they are posted by dumpers. These social media traps are incredibly bad for the dumpees as their sole purpose is to extort more power.

On the other hand, if the dumper isn’t planning on trapping the dumpee, it’s usually just a random boasting/bored comment any person can put on their social media.

Because dumpees tend to overanalyze, they often think everything is directed at them. If you’ve read the 2nd paragraph carefully, you will realize this is not the case. Dumpers want freedom and space from you, so don’t fall for this rookie mistake. All of this can really be avoided by following a strict no-contact regimen.

Is it a trap or does my ex really want to talk to me?

Even if you are 100% sure your ex wants you to initiate contact first, why would anyone want to give their ex even more significance than they deserve?

The person who broke up with you has to be the one to start talking to you again. There’s no other way around it. The power dynamics are in jeopardy right after the breakup and your ex is well aware of that.

At some point, your ex must evenly distribute the power he’s held onto for so long. And there is no better way to do so, other than to contact you first.

Breakups are a huge power play. There’s no way you can have a working relationship with your ex if you think about messaging him/her out of nowhere weeks after the breakup, thinking your ex is going to be happy to hear from you. It doesn’t work that way!

Whether your ex is setting up traps or genuinely wants you to reach out, it doesn’t change much for you. As long as you’re living your life, sooner than later you will hear from him or her.

One who wants to talk to you will do so regardless of adversities he or she may have to encounter. You can’t have a normal conversation when you’re always on the chase after your ex.

Only when your ex-partner feels the need to speak to you is when you should respond to his initiations. Again, the only way to be sure your ex is ready is to wait for the message.

I have nothing to lose, so I’ll talk to her and see how it goes…

If you’re having these thoughts, I encourage you to look back when you gathered your courage and self-respect just to prevent yourself from reaching out. By contacting your ex, you would put all that hard work and personal development you dedicated to yourself since the breakup in great peril.

By initiating contact with your ex, you could find things you weren’t prepared to find. You could end up ignored, belittled, mocked, and badly hurt in the process. Even though it might have been weeks or even months since the breakup and you’re just starting to feel better, it can mentally set you back to day one in a heartbeat.

If you managed to stay in no contact for this long, don’t break it just because you want to tell your ex how she made you feel and that you want closure.

Your outreach to your ex is a big, big mistake. In retrospect, you end up sacrificing your own well-being to evoke validation from your ex-partner. When you do this prematurely (before your ex is ready) you will get the crudest, coldest reply you can think of. It’s always the opposite of what you actually want so you may as well stay in indefinite no-contact.

Were you tempted to reach out to your ex first because you thought your ex wanted you to? Post a comment below.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.