Many if not most dumpees want to know if women come back after the breakup. They’re curious to know if there’s a chance their female ex will miss them, rediscover their romantic potential, and come back to be with them. If you’re one of those dumpees, you must understand something important.
The return of your ex doesn’t depend on your ex’s gender, race, or even your growth or the quality of the relationship. If it did, all exes who had a nice relationship with their ex would eventually return.
Your ex’s return depends mainly on your ex’s personality, maturity, beliefs, coping mechanisms, respect, the intensity of the relationship and tightness of the bond, dependence on you or lack of post-breakup independence, ability to forgive and disassociate negativity from you, willingness to admit mistakes and grow, and overall happiness.
Every person is different, so to say your ex will come back simply because she’s a woman would be an overly generalized statement. She (like all returning dumpers) will have to get through the dumper stages and realize something important. She’ll have to learn (probably the hard way – through pain) that you weren’t to blame for all her problems and that she left you because she wasn’t capable of dealing with her problems properly.
Such a discovery could evoke feelings of nostalgia and regret and make her want you back immediately. Like it or not, you’d essentially become her fallback option for coping with remorse and other challenging emotions. She’d see you as an ex who loved her deeply until she got overwhelmed emotionally, changed her perception of you, and left you no choice but to let her chase greener pastures.
Some dumpers realize things didn’t get any better without their ex. They only seemed to be better at first because they took their ex for granted, felt free of obligations, or got validated by friends, family, or new partners. Such dumpers may understand they went through a quick honeymoon stage where they lived in Lalaland and believed their future looked rosy.
It only takes them a few months to stop feeling euphoric and see reality for what it is. They don’t necessarily miss leaving their ex, but they do realize that things aren’t as peachy as they’d expected and that they’ll actually have to apply themselves if they want to be happy.
Most dumpers, unfortunately, don’t feel the need to reflect and grow. They blame their ex for their problems and as a result, remain as they are maturity-wise.
Their ego and victim mentality force them to reveal their maturity, skills, and beliefs to others and have similar relationships with them. Sometimes they’re lucky the people they interact with accept them for who they are. Other times, they aren’t so lucky. They cross paths with someone who finds them arrogant and intolerable. Such dumpers feel challenged and experience conflicts.
If your ex-girlfriend left you and you’re wondering if women come back after breaking up with their ex, the answer to this question depends on what kind of person your ex is and whether she thinks she can still be with you. The biggest reason exes don’t come back is not because they don’t think their ex can change, but because they’re unable or unwilling to let go of the past and see their ex as a different person.
They believe they’ve endured too much pain or disconnect to leave the past behind and act as if nothing happened. They’d rather remember the past to understand their ex’s personality and measure their ex’s capability of making them happy. That’s why telling them how sorry you are and what you’re working on and willing to change about yourself is a waste of energy.
Not only does it put pressure on dumpers, but it also makes them feel disrespected and leaves you looking weak and desperate for recognition.
If your behavior doesn’t help you look more secure, happy, and attractive, it’s better not to engage in it. It’s better to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and let your ex think, feel, and do what she wants. That way, she’ll at least feel respected as an ex and in control of her life.
But if I don’t do anything, how will I convince my ex-girlfriend to give me another chance?
Your ex mustn’t be the one who gives chances. You may have messed up, but if she holds all the power, she’ll never see you as an equal. On the contrary, she’ll continue to get reminded that you hurt her and that she has a good reason to ignore, block, or mistreat and hurt you back. Even if she pities you and comes because of your begging, it’s unlikely that she’ll stay long.
She won’t feel the need to stay when she has all the power and thinks she deserves someone who inspires her to do her best and invest in him.
Sadly, the most common mistake dumpees make is convincing themselves they’re responsible for their ex’s feelings and decisions. They’re in so much pain they’re willing to abandon their pride and text or call their ex until he or she has a change of heart. They don’t realize their actions smother and annoy their ex and put them in a position of weakness.
Beggars tend not to gain much sympathy, let alone make people fall in love with them. It may happen in romantic movies, but not in real life. In real life, dumpers must have the space to focus on themselves. When they have the space to process negative breakup emotions and fail on their quest to everlasting happiness, they may realize their ex wasn’t as bad as they made him or her out to be and that they were happier.
Such realizations urge them to change how they perceive their ex and bring back their lost feelings.
So do women come back after leaving their ex?
Women do come back. But they usually do so when:
- Something unpredictable and painful happens to them that they can’t resolve on their own.
- They’re capable of reflecting and changing their views and feelings.
When these two conditions are met, they come running back like greased lightning and try to secure a spot in their ex’s heart.
In this post, we discuss whether women come back to their exes or if it’s only men who come back.
Do women come back? I heard it’s mostly men
Over the years as a breakup coach, I’ve heard all kinds of generalizations about female dumpers (mainly from guys, of course). They said that once a woman loses interest, she never looks back. She’s done and over with her ex.
Well, the same applies to guys. When they associate negative beliefs and feelings with their ex, nothing their ex says or does can dissuade them from self-prioritizing and moving on. Whether the dumper is a man or a woman, you must remember that a person who abandons a romantic relationship does so because he or she loses feelings and the determination to commit.
The dumper sees and feels no reason to be with someone who makes him or her feel stressed, pressured, and uncomfortable.
It’s not just men who come back. Both men and women return to an ex-partner when they hit a snag and realize they underestimated their ex’s importance and overestimated their ability to create happiness and success. From an emotional standpoint, women experience anxiety and mental health problems (which are common incentives for returning to an ex) nearly twice as often as men.
That should make them return nearly twice as often, right? The emphasis is on “should.” The reality, however, is that it doesn’t make a big difference. Unlike men who often hold their burdens inside, women are better at expressing problems and emotions. They get things off their chest and move forward rather than backward.
They return only when they lack the tools to resolve their problems and feel in control of their life. That’s when they improve their opinion of their ex and run to their ex for familiarity, comfort, and safety. Their ex essentially provides them with love and a shoulder to lean on. And they’re happy with it because that’s what they need from their ex to love themselves and move forward with their life.
So don’t assume that women don’t come back. The truth is that both genders don’t come back unless they encounter some kind of gut-wrenching eye-opening problem they can’t deal with on their own. Unresolvable problems knock them off their high horses and force them to look for backup plans.
Usually, they view their exes as viable backup options because they once felt accepted and secure with them. When they realize their (recent) ex was a stable option to invest in, they tend to contact their ex, express regret or affection, and try to get back with their ex. They reconnect hastily because their happiness depends on their ex’s acceptance and validation.
Just keep in mind that exes don’t come back very often. They don’t miss their ex right after the breakup or when they’re happy, strong, in control, and capable of dealing with stressors (have decent support systems and coping mechanisms). Mostly exes who lack strength and solutions to their problems consider their dumpee their savior.
Such exes don’t know any other way to get rid of problems and pain, so they go back to their ex and hope for the best. If they understand their ex’s worth, they take the new relationship seriously and work on themselves. But if they only see their ex as someone who can help them temporarily, they fail to develop love and establish a strong foundation to build on.
It’s only a matter of time before their lack of genuine intentions causes them to take their ex for granted and lose interest once more.
If you’re worried your ex-girlfriend won’t come back because people claim women don’t return, understand that you’re allowing them to mislead you and create a false impression about women. Women also come back to their former partners. They do it when they hit a roadblock and see no other path toward happiness than the one that leads back to their ex.
Also, women say the same things about men. They claim men are too egoistic, stubborn, or prideful to start anew and take them back. They forget that they men need to fail in some important way before they can go back to an ex they devalued in their eyes.
My advice is to ignore cliches such as:
- Women never come back after a breakup.
- Women take a long time to leave, but once they do, they don’t come back
- Women move on emotionally and never look back
- Women follow their friends’ advice
- Women like the thrill of being single again
- Women can find another guy instantly and don’t need their ex
Although there is partial truth to these statements, it’s not that straightforward. They may be the more emotional gender and find someone new, interesting, and kind, but that doesn’t guarantee post-breakup success and everlasting happiness. If they don’t work on their flaws, they’re bound to repeat their mistakes at some point in the future.
It could be in their professional life or their next relationship.
Depending on their partner, they may argue, detach, leave, or get dumped. It’s impossible to predict their future. The only thing that’s for certain is that their actions and decisions will be influenced by their circumstances, emotions, and personality.
Your best bet is to wait for your ex to have some kind of crisis and do the internal work she needs to do. When that happens, she may reach out to breadcrumb you or be with you.
Having said that, here’s when women come back after leaving their ex.
Act as if they don’t come back
You should act as if women don’t come back or come back very often. That way, you’ll let go of hope quicker than if you tell yourself women come back every time and very quickly. You should think realistically and look for ways to accept the breakup and detach from your ex. Detachment will heal your wounds whereas attachment will make you anxious and prolong your growth and recovery.
It’s no secret that dumpees who intentionally feed their love-deprived brain with hope experience many ups and downs and need longer to recover. They become extremely dependent on their ex for healing and refuse to search for happiness outside of their relationship with their ex – within themselves.
They fall into a cycle of obsessing over their ex and wanting their ex back in their life.
So try to accept the possibility that your ex doesn’t have what it takes to rediscover your value and come back. If you do that, you’ll redirect your focus to yourself and disconnect from your ex once and for all.
To disconnect quicker, you should do your best to remember all the times your ex hurt or disappointed you. Remember how she treated you during and after the relationship. You need to recognize that your ex is far from perfect and that your obsession with her stems more from the pain she caused than from the value she brought to your life.
Feel free to share your feelings with a friend or therapist. Venting will make you feel heard and reduce your pain. It will also help you build a strong support system that protects you from the breakup blues.
I know it’s hard to imagine a future without your ex, but you don’t need to get over your ex right away. It’s perfectly fine to lose a little bit of hope every day until you detach to a point where your ex is no longer your sole reason for existence. When that happens, you’ll learn to value yourself and appreciate those who support you.
What’s your opinion on this topic? Do women come back? If so, when? Post your comment below.
However, if you’d like to discuss women’s reasons for returning to their former partners, join our 1-on-1 coaching program. Together, we’ll analyze your breakup and create a personalized recovery plan.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
