Can Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?

Emotionally unavailable men can change. They can deal with their emotional unavailability issues and have successful romantic relationships afterwards. The problem though is that they usually need months or years to change. They need a lot of willpower to acknowledge their issues and work on them diligently.

They can’t be forced to change if they don’t want to. If they’re not ready and willing to see they have a problem, they stay as they are and fail at relationships.

Emotional unavailability is a serious issue that affects bonding, trust, and commitment in relationships. It affects couples emotionally and gives them limited time to discuss the problem and overcome it. If they don’t address it fast, they disconnect emotionally completely and go their separate ways.

Emotionally unavailable couples don’t feel the need to stay together. They don’t feel grateful and don’t need each other as much as ordinary couples. That’s why they’re so susceptible to relationship problems, fears, doubts, and temptations and often choose to run away when issues arise.

EU couples lack the will to work through issues when the relationship gets serious and demands work and investment.

If you’re with an emotionally unavailable man, you need to understand that he might not deal with his problems before it’s too late. If he’s not taking an active approach in addressing his unavailability issues, he will likely stay unavailable and leave when he gets tired of being forced to emotionally invest in you.

At some point, he’ll realize that he’s not ready for a relationship and use it as an excuse to break up with you and focus on himself and others.

Many emotionally unavailable guys leave because their partner has “unrealistic” romantic expectations of them. Their partner expects love, dating, commitment, relationship talks, and planning, but because they haven’t addressed their issues from the past, they struggle to match their partner’s energy and investment.

They entered the relationship to heal and/or feel important, not to start another serious relationship. That’s why they consider their partner too demanding and feel restricted from being themselves. Soon, they convince themselves they deserve someone better or that they’re not ready for the kind of relationship their partner wants.

A relationship with an emotionally unavailable person can be extremely difficult. If you’re in one, you and your partner will have different emotional needs and expectations. You’ll want a reasonable amount of love, attention, and bonding whereas your partner will be satisfied with a minimum amount of effort. Sex, followed by a few hugs will likely satisfy his urges and relationship expectations.

That means someone will usually feel unfulfilled or overfulfilled. Emotional fulfillment will differ for both parties and cause confusion and uncertainty. The worst part about it is that it will affect the quality of the relationship. Your emotionally unavailable partner will not be as committed and serious about the relationship as you. He won’t be as relationship-focused and scared of breaking up as you.

To him (due to a lack of emotional investment), the relationship won’t mean the world. He might respect it, but it will be a lot harder for him to do that when he doesn’t feel super close to you. Men and women value relationships because they emotionally invest in them. They feel attached to their partner and understand their partner’s value and importance.

Emotionally unavailable men don’t understand their partner’s importance emotionally because the emotional part of them isn’t working properly. They may get along with their partner, but emotionally, something’s missing and preventing them from forming a strong connection. Their unresolved issues affect their ability to bond and feel great affection for their partner.

This is very dangerous. If they don’t feel emotionally close to their partner, they could see their partner as a friend or a friend with benefits. They could leave when they have a minor disagreement.

Many emotionally unavailable men leave shortly after meeting their partner. Most of them leave within months of starting to date. They don’t need long to realize the relationship drains their energy rather than charge it and that they’ll be happier on their own. Sometimes their partners leave first, but this doesn’t happen very often.

Because EUs pull away, their partner usually craves their affection even more and expresses her unmet needs. This puts even more pressure on them and causes them to leave, ghost, or pull a slow fade, depending on their morals and personality.

What about emotionally unavailable men who make the relationship work? Do they change?

Such men indeed change. They have a temporary problem they need time and understanding from their partner to overcome.

They can change in their relationship with their partner, provided:

1. Their issue hasn’t been with them most of their life.
2. Their issue is small and/or requires only a little bit of time and effort to overcome.

If their issue can be resolved in a few weeks, they can stay with their partner and have a loving relationship.

Emotional unavailability causes differ for each person. Some dumpers have emotional unavailability issues that stem from their childhood. Such guys are extremely unlikely to make sufficient emotional progress in their relationship with their partner. They’re much more likely to give up on resolving their issues and project them onto their partner.

Some causes of emotional unavailability issues are:

• child abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• strict/unhealthy parenting
• missing parents
• parents who displayed emotional unavailability themselves
• unhealthy past relationships (cheating, lying, physical abuse…)
• stress from divorce
• loss of trust in people

Emotional unavailability is essentially a defense mechanism. It guards a person from verbally or non-verbally expressing emotions and feeling vulnerable. A person becomes emotionally unavailable when pain exceeds his threshold and causes him to avoid future pain by avoiding emotions that get him attached to people and outcomes.

At some point, emotionally unavailable people were emotionally available. Some were even too available and naively trusted people with their emotions. But because people took advantage of their vulnerabilities or took their emotional investment for granted, they suffered immensely and felt they had no choice but to close themselves off emotionally.

When a person who suffered immensely shuts off emotions, he avoids getting attached and hurt. He’s okay with superficial connections and dislikes forming deep bonds. Feelings of safety and having control over his emotions mean more to him than relationships. Until he realizes that his emotional unavailability is limiting his romantic relationships, he’ll continue to protect himself from “overinvesting” in his partner and developing romantic expectations of her.

Today, we answer the question “Can emotionally unavailable men change?” We also discuss what it takes for them to change and how long it might take.

Can emotionally unavailable men change?

I’ve seen emotionally unavailable men change. Usually, the ones who got dumped and became emotionally unavailable after the breakup slowly processed the breakup and dealt with their insecurities, low self-esteem, depression, and love for their ex. They got over their ex, increased their self-love, and became emotionally ready for a new romantic relationship.

Such men took the time to deal with the breakup healthily and got themselves back before starting a new relationship.

Conversely, guys who rushed into a new relationship shortly after breaking up couldn’t change fast enough. Despite trying to establish a healthy relationship, they couldn’t replace their ex with a new person, patch their wounds, and satisfy their emotional cravings. Because they looked for a replacement for their ex rather than a completely new person, they failed to change fast enough and rebounded badly.

They broke up or got broken up with and suffered immensely.

Emotional unavailability comes in many forms. The most common type of EU is caused by the end of a serious relationship. When a relationship ends, dumpees immediately become emotionally unavailable. They get so hurt they can’t perform their daily tasks, let alone connect with someone new.

As long as they depend on their ex for healing and love, they’re emotional cripples who can’t even help themselves. They can’t love themselves or any other person but their ex.

Until they get closure, work on themselves, and learn to let go, their life revolves around the person who put them in the unfortunate situation. They think about their ex 24/7, dream about their ex, and want their ex back even if they’re seeing someone else.

You need to be careful with people who have recently been dumped. Chances are they’re emotionally unavailable and not ready for a new relationship with you. Sometimes they get over their ex while they’re with someone else, but this requires luck and time. On average, it takes them 8 months to leave their ex behind. If you meet them a month after the breakup, they will likely rebound with you and ditch you when you expect them to invest more time and feelings in you.

Those who get over their ex while they’re with someone else usually start dating that person months after the breakup – when they’re feeling a bit better. They inform their new partner that they haven’t processed the breakup fully yet and that it’s best for the relationship that they take things slowly.

If their partner understands their emotional unavailability and gives them enough space and time to deal with the past, they can get their ex out of their system and fully invest in the new person. The new relationship can turn into a long-lasting one even if the first few months didn’t have a strong (typical) start.

What if emotional unavailability is deep-rooted and unrelated to recent trauma and pain?

If your partner or someone you know has had emotional unavailability issues for years, you need to understand that his or her beliefs are firmly established. His issues have become a part of him and won’t go away easily. If they could, they would have become a matter of the past long ago.

Since they haven’t, it’s safe to say that time alone won’t fix his issues. He’ll need to put a lot of effort into learning what or who caused him to be scared of being emotionally vulnerable, why it’s important to resolve his issues, and how he can fix them. The guy will need to value the relationship enough to want to dissect himself and change the way he functions emotionally.

This is a big step for him. It’s not something he can achieve overnight. It will take time and immense willpower to change something so deep-rooted. You could notice improvements after days, but ultimately, change will happen over the course of a few weeks or months, depending on the issue and his way of tackling it.

You’ve got to remember that he had a long time to address his issues. Maybe he even saw a therapist or has been wanting to see one. I don’t know what he tried to address his issues. But if he kept them for years or longer, it won’t be a quick fix. He might fail multiple times and not change in the end.

If you’re not willing to wait and take a gamble with this person, you don’t need to stay with him. You don’t need to be with someone who isn’t invested in you and isn’t 100% ready to be with you. If you commit to a person who doesn’t give back as much as you put in, you could stay hungry for love, overinvest, get taken for granted, and experience a painful separation.

Relationships take two invested individuals to work. If you grow attached to someone who doesn’t see your worth and put in the effort, you could stay unhappy and get abandoned when your expectations exceed his willingness to invest.

Don’t think you can help him just by being yourself. Many women think they can fix a guy’s issues for him.

They think that if they show him true love, they’ll change him and have a fairytale-like relationship. Boy are they wrong. Women (or men) can’t change their partner into someone he doesn’t want to be. They can’t turn a player man into a responsible man, an immature man into a considerate person, a stubborn person into an open-minded one, an abusive person into a caring one, a lazy man into a hard worker, and an emotionally unavailable man into a person who wants to give and receive love.

They can encourage him to change, but ultimately, he has to change on his own. No one can force him to change if he’s convinced he’s perfect and has nothing to work on. Such a man will get defensive and expect his partner to change instead.

Some things you just can’t change. This includes men who don’t want to change, men who blame you for everything, men who think they’re perfectly fine, and men who have unresolved long-term deep-rooted issues. Men have to feel attached, understand what’s at stake, and know that they’ll suffer if they don’t get their act together. Failure or the thought of failure can motivate them more than criticism, arguing, pulling away, ultimatums, and relationship conversations.

So if you don’t want to be with a man who displays signs of emotional unavailability, bear in mind that you don’t have to. You deserve a person who’s dealt with the horrors of the past and feels ready for new beginnings and investments.

Instead of trying to change him, tell him you stayed this long because you were hoping he could get over the past, match your level of emotional investment, and prove he was ready and willing to progress with you. Because things didn’t improve and the relationship didn’t move in the right direction and at the right speed, you have no choice but to terminate the relationship and invest in yourself.

The guy will likely get hurt, but not as much as someone who invested wholeheartedly and developed romantic expectations. He’ll be able to let go rather quickly and hopefully, take his emotional unavailability seriously.

He will likely need professional assistance (therapy) and a lot of time to rewire his thinking and behavioral patterns.

With that said, here’s when emotionally unavailable men change.

How to fix emotional unavailability in your partner?

As you know, you can’t fix someone’s broken heart and years of conditioning. The guy has to understand the damage his emotional unavailability has caused to you and care enough to do something about it. If you’re the only person who doesn’t like his issues, he’ll consider you a naggy person who’s trying to change who he is.

This will cause misunderstandings, arguments, resentment, and ultimately, a loss of feelings. He, you, or both will get tired of feeling emotionally unfulfilled and initiate the breakup. Before things get out of control, see if your partner is aware of the problems and is honest about them.

Does he understand where his emotional unavailability comes from or is he blaming you for it?

If he understands what causes his unreceptivess, he may also be open to working on it. Maybe he’s working on it already. Maybe he can resolve it, but needs more time. You obviously don’t know how he feels, what he needs, and what he’s capable of, but if the issue is recent or minor, he may deal with it and become ready to give the relationship his all.

If he’s transparent about his issues and actively working on them, he may slowly get rid of them and start meeting your emotional needs. I can’t predict the future and tell you what to do, but if you decide to give him a chance (some time to resolve his issues), make sure to be patient with him. Ask him how he wants to be supported and how he expects the relationship to function.

Also, how often does he want to see you and talk to you and how does he expect to be loved while he’s working on his emotional unavailability issues?

He must tell you what words or behaviors he’s comfortable with and what smothers and pressures him. This is important so that he can invest in himself and the relationship as much as he can, not as much as you want him to. If you overwhelm him with your needs and expectations, he’ll pull away and/or leave you. You’ll get hurt because you’ll invest in him significantly more than he did in you.

You can be there for him and support him. Don’t give him any deadlines and express your pain too much. If you decide to stay with an emotionally unavailable man, you must put your needs aside and give him some time to deal with his problems. And remember. Every EU man needs a different amount of time to process the past and open up to you emotionally.

Be prepared to give him at least a few months. He could need longer if his wounds are fresh or if he just began working on his childhood traumas.

Occasionally, ask him for feedback on how he’s feeling and if he needs you to change anything about your behavior. He needs to see that you care about his issues and that you’re willing to adjust your behavior if necessary.

All in all, an emotionally unavailable man can change if you support him properly (patiently and empathetically) and if he has the resolve to get the help he needs to deal with his issues. If he takes his emotional unavailability seriously, he’ll overcome his issues with you by his side and have a better relationship with you.

He won’t have to push you away, ask for a break, and treat you terribly. He may not invest in you that much while he’s working on himself, but he probably will when he’s let go of the past and become emotionally available.

Can emotionally unavailable men change for the better? Share your experience with emotionally unavailable men (or women) below the post. We look forward to reading your comments.

And as always, if you’d like our help dealing with an emotionally unavailable man, reach out to us via private coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.