A breakup is a separation of a strong bond a couple once shared. When two people stop sharing lives together they had previously invested in, they create a rift so powerful, it causes turbulence in the space and time. It causes a distortion of reality followed by the post-breakup blues—which is emotionally equivalent to the loss of a family member.
Often our self-esteem and confidence take a hit as a result of a breakup and we become less productive. The first breakup is often the hardest because we are convinced this person was meant to last forever. More often than not (85% of the time) couples break up and walk separate ways.
Whether the decision was yours or your partner’s, both parties are affected by the separation.
How much one hurts depends mainly on their attachment style which dates back into their childhood. It’s usually the person that has invested more into the relationship that ends up hurting the most.
Sometimes people emotionally disconnect before the “official” termination of the relationship. That can be weeks or even months before the demise of the companionship.
Another thing that can occur is when a person falls out of love and gradually detaches from the partner one string at a time. It does not happen overnight and normally takes at least a couple of weeks.
What can contribute to the process of the relationship falling apart is finding a more suitable partner, losing a family member, pulling away and distracting yourself.
What exactly are we grieving?
Many of these occurrences appear on a subconscious level without us having to ruminate about it. Some of the things we contemplate about during our first breakup are:
- the loss of a partner and the relationship
- shared past and planned future
- being/dying alone
- reliance and codependence
- possible loss of common friends and family members
Why breaking up can be a good thing?
Imagine breaking up like a string attached to a couple’s soul. The more you pull it apart, the more it hurts and the more detached we become.
Eventually, the string breaks and we feel a renewed sense of freedom and repossession of our old identity which we most likely lost somewhere along the ride.
Throughout the relationship, we’ve been making compromises and adjustments to flourish and grow our compatibility (whether we liked it or not).
Each person comes with their own sets of beliefs that either work for the other or don’t. In either case, we subconsciously or deliberately conform and work towards common goals.
Every failed relationship can teach us a lot about ourselves and our partner. It gives us insight into what works and what doesn’t.
What do I mean by regaining identity?
Identity is what defines and differentiates us as human beings. Because we spend a lot of time with our partner we often begin to neglect our own personal ambitions, all because we became so focused on our partner. After you have recovered from the heartache you finally discover the truth to happiness. That is that only you can make yourself happy and not your partner.
More often than not after the breakup, we indulge in new activities and make new friends as a result. We no longer feel trapped in our compartments and break free of the chains that have inadvertently been holding us back.
I have often heard people say to their partner “you are all I need in life, I cannot live without you, I don’t care if I lose my job or friends as long as I have you.” It sounds dandy and all, but too much needy behavior can cause more good than harm.
The first breakup can make us realize what it really means to be happy with ourselves first.
In this way, codependency begins to form and sooner than later breaks the relationship. It very seldom happens that both people feel the exact same way. What begins to occur next is that one pushes and the other retreats.
Contrary to pushing, we can apply the push-pull technique with which we can deviously reel our partner back towards us. When a partner pulls away, we should give them space and time.
Your partner has definitely been telling you or at least gave you hints that he or she is not happy.
So when the separation occurs, you are pushed against the wall, forced to take actions to correct your mistakes. Use this opportunity to level up. Increase your confidence, productivity and get out of the comfort zone.
The first breakup also strengthens us in a way we could never imagine. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
First of all, going through something so gut-wrenching reinforces your defenses. You are scared and as a result, become a better person (provided you learned anything).
Because your relationship has ended, you now know what you do and do not want in a relationship. You come to a conclusion what a suitable person for you would be like. This gives you the drive to correct your shortcomings and gives you the motivation to become the best version of yourself.
Has the first breakup given you the motivation to improve yourself? Let me know in the comments section.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan
Yeah the first break-up has certainly helped me improve. So I was 29 (I was late to this whole gig) when I had what I would call a ‘relationship’ if you can call it that. We dated for 5 and a bit months and I was so infatuated with this girl it was unreal and in hindsight I ignored certain cues which ended up with me becoming inevitably hurt. I was naive. I took the ending like a baby woke up the next day apologised via text (which she replied, bluntly mind-you and then five or so weeks later basically sent a letter expressing how my behaviour at the break-up was not a reflection of her but of my own issues which I needed to address and though I was hurt wished her a great-life, i didn’t expect a reply and didn’t get one or haven’t had one as of yet). But I grew up so much from that experience. Painful and still is but I went away worked and working, on my mental health, OCD, self esteem issues from childhood trauma, discovered my attachment style and recognised that I am probably one of those people that should be in therapy continuously for many related life struggles that I have been through.
The break-up for me was tough (in fact it crushed me) and even though I was inexperienced I was confused, as we both agreed that it was basically an emotional, physical and social connection of a lifetime but she wasn’t’ ready for that kind of commitment (She is a few years younger). I asked her if she never wanted to see me again, she didn’t give a definitive answer which made and makes it worse.
In hindsight I realise my mistakes and hers, I should have been more honest and more communicative in my feelings and I compromised towards the end when I should have addressed what was happening I tried to cling on. I recognise in hindsight some of the signs of panic and fear in her behaviour and our conversations.
Nonetheless, I feel like I have learnt a lot and there is always more to learn. I certainly still have hope which is what led me here (and I would probably consider dating her again if she ever contacted me again but only after some serious conversations about the expectations of our relationship) I won’t lie this is something I do hope happens right now. I know it might make me a bit of a loser but I like(d) her and would have liked to have seen where it could have led. Its been six months coming up to seven. I am still in a lot of pain mainly because of hope i think and tried to tell myself not to have it but I think from your article its just gonna take more time. I also think with my related mental health issues (this may sound like an excuse so I recognise that) it may take me longer. Though I am working hard on my health, my career, the future I want for myself, my friendships etc. I am trying to meet different people and date (very casually) mainly to try and bolster my self-esteem, confidence and slowly work my way back to even better than I was though now I finally acknowledge it may take another while longer once the hope is gone (however long that is). It’s funny until you experience a break-up you don’t really know how tough they are.
So yes the first break-up has given me even more motivation to learn about myself and improve for future relationships whenever that may be, either with this girl or someone else in time. If you have any more tips or advice then please feel free to share based off my specific situation.
Having mental health issues on the side really slow down the healing process. It’s not an excuse, but a fact, don’t be hard on yourself! Besides, recognizing and owning up to those issues is more than most people are capable of, so be proud of yourself!