Sometimes, dumpers offer to help their exes. They do this by trying to ease their pain, doing them favors, spending time with them, or giving them money. They stay or try to stay close to their exes because they like their exes as friends or because they feel bad for hurting them and want to forgive themselves.
When they want to forgive themselves, they tend to apologize, ask their exes how they’re doing and if they need anything, and appear very caring and concerned. They’re ready to do anything to help their exes feel better and feel better about dumping them.
On the other hand, they usually don’t act so selflessly when they just want to stay friends. They want friendship because they think they can keep their ex in their life and benefit from their ex long-term. They believe they can rely on their ex for various wants and needs now and in the future. But first, they just need to help their ex process the separation or deal with some other issue.
Typically, dumpers aren’t very eager to help their ex heal. Because they know they’re responsible for causing their ex pain, they feel blamed or guilty and don’t want to talk about the past and ways in which they could help. They just want to distance themselves from their ex and focus on things that distract them and make them feel at peace.
They’d rather worry about themselves and people they have good relationships with than spend energy, time, and health on an ex they left behind and associated negative beliefs with. As dumpers, they have better people to interact with and activities to engage in. Helping their ex isn’t high on their priority list. It can’t be because they don’t want their ex to get his or her hopes up and give them a hard time.
When they do offer to help, it’s because they already processed the breakup and empathize and sympathize with their ex. They don’t like how the breakup affected their ex, so they try to make their ex feel better in any way they can. Sometimes they stay friends with their ex, but other times, they say encouraging things such as, “It’s not you, it’s me, I still care about you a lot, let me know how I can help, I hope you find someone who can give you what you need.”
Of course, such comments don’t actually help. They tend to give their ex hope or take their hope away. In other words, they confuse and hurt their ex and delay their ex’s recovery process. The longer dumpers try to stay close to their ex, the worse it is for their ex. Of course, dumpees eventually get used to having their ex around, but it can take a long time.
I’m talking about months or longer. That’s months of frustration and unnecessary emotional setbacks.
It’s better for both parties to give each other space and figure out their next steps in life. If one party thinks friendship is more important than space and time to detach, he or she’s in for a rude awakening. His or her life won’t improve when they make each other feel emotions they don’t want to feel. Exes heal the quickest when they let the broken relationship rest.
Rest can help them process the resentment and other unwanted feelings that occurred before, during, or after the breakup.
That’s why dumpers must avoid being too nice to their ex. Sympathy and understanding are okay, but acting like friends and confusing their ex in the process isn’t. If they confuse their ex, they make their ex analyze things unnecessarily and keep their ex obsessed with them.
So if your ex is offering to help you, know that your ex still cares about you. Your ex may only care as a friend, but your ex wants to give you what you need to handle the breakup confidently and move on with your life. He or she isn’t offering help to make you like him or her and get back with you, but to help you selflessly or receive something from you.
This could be forgiveness or support later down the line. The good thing is that your ex doesn’t resent you, compete with you, envy you, or think negatively about you. Your ex wouldn’t be around you, let alone talk to you and offer help if you made your ex feel unwanted emotions.
Sure, some dumpers offer help just to sound polite, but such people also disappear right after. They have no business with their ex as they just want to disassociate themselves from their ex.
They’d rather be alone all day than talk and bond with their ex. Being alone gives them a feeling of freedom and lets them enjoy their life on their own terms.
Keep in mind that many dumpers initially offer to help their ex. They say things like, “I’m here for you. If you need anything, just let me know.” They’re very friendly during or right after the breakup because they feel close to their ex and bad for their ex.
They know they destroyed their ex’s life and that it’d be unfair and selfish to pull the rug from underneath their ex. To avoid hurting their ex or feeling poorly about themselves, they offer to help their ex financially, physically, informationally, mentally, emotionally, or even sexually and believe they did what they could to set up their ex’s life for success.
In today’s post, we discuss why your ex is offering to help you and what you should do about it.
Why is my ex offering to help me?
If your ex is offering to help you as a friend rather than a partner, your ex thinks that he or she owes you friendship and support. Your ex doesn’t know that by offering to help you, he or she is giving you hope and prolonging your healing. Your ex isn’t concerned about the effects of staying in touch and helping you. Your ex is more worried about his or her conscience and perhaps even other’s opinions of him/her.
If you have mutual friends, your ex doesn’t want to look like someone who left you high and dry. That would make your ex look unsympathetic and might ruin your ex’s image. If your ex cares about his or her image, karma, and conscience, your ex would rather offer to help you and think that he or she did everything a caring person should do.
Offering support to someone you hurt is considered a moral, mature, and respectable gesture. If your ex feels any guilt at all, it lets your ex get rid of it almost instantly. Once your ex alleviates his or her guilty conscience, your ex can finally leave the past behind and enjoy his or her life as a free person. Your ex can even date other people and feel good about it.
When your ex apologizes, offers support, and does you a favor, your ex knows that you forgave him or her for the breakup and that your ex doesn’t have to worry about not doing enough to ease your pain. It’s enough for your ex to focus on the present and let go of the past.
So if your ex is offering to help you with your separation anxiety, work, finances, kids, or chores, know that your ex may still care about you enough to help. Your ex may want to alleviate his or her guilt or befriend/friendzone you and keep you around for convenience.
To know what your ex wants, you’ll have to learn how your ex feels and thinks. You’ll have to figure out if your ex feels bad and is offering support to help him/herself or if your ex selflessly wishes to assist you with some kind of problem or concern. If your ex is nice only to feel less responsible or guilty for causing you pain, your ex won’t talk to you for long.
Your ex won’t be your friend because your ex will soon encounter different problems and challenges unrelated to you. That’s when your ex will stop showing interest in your problems and disappear once and for all.
Not all exes disappear, but most of them do stop reaching out frequently. They turn into infrequent texting buddies and move on with other people.
So don’t think that the only possible reason your ex is offering to help you is because your ex thinks you deserve or need help, and that your ex has seller’s remorse. Make sure to also consider the possibility that your ex feels bad and wants your help with guilt or some other problem. If you immediately assume that your ex wants you back, you could get hopeful and expect your ex to take you back at any time.
Until you discover your ex’s problem, it’s best that you avoid jumping to conclusions and keep your hopes low. The lower you keep them, the less tempted you’ll feel to hold on to your ex and wait for an opportunity to reattract your ex.
If you want your ex back, you probably feel happy to see your ex care about you. You like that your ex is taking the initiative in offering help rather than making you beg for it. Although it’s great that your ex is being nice, make sure to find out why your ex says the things he or she says. Understanding your ex’s reasons for offering help will allow you to stay on the path to recovery whereas misunderstanding or mistaking them will affect your recovery in numerous ways.
How you perceive your ex’s reasons for offering help can make you:
- feel anxious, secure, or confused
- feel hopeful or hopeless
- hold on to your ex or let go of your ex
It’s important to understand your ex’s reasons for offering support so you can get the most out of the breakup in the quickest time possible.
Having said that, here’s why your ex is offering to help you.
Avoid taking your ex’s help unless you really need to
If you need closure or help with something urgent, feel free to take your ex’s help. Let your ex help you with issues you’re struggling to deal with on your own. You don’t want to rely on your ex for long, but if the breakup made it difficult for you to deal with certain problems or if you can’t understand what went wrong, what you must work on, or how to love yourself, you can talk to the ex who wants to do his or her best to help.
It shouldn’t make things worse when you have a problem your ex is willing to help with.
It’s wrong to rely on your ex only if your ex can’t give you what you want or need but wants to “help” anyway. Such an ex wants to stay in your life even though his or her presence and assistance do more harm than good. You probably already know that exes heal quicker when they give each other space and focus on themselves.
By focusing on anyone but each other, they get what they need from the breakup and prepare themselves for a new romantic relationship with someone else. Those who keep in frequent touch heal much slower, mainly because they keep waiting for their ex to have an epiphany and want them back.
So take your ex’s help only if you can’t resolve the problem on your own or with the help of someone else. Let your ex assist you and give you what you need to feel fulfilled. But once your ex has helped you, try not to rely on your ex anymore. Learn to rely on yourself and those who stay in your life. That way, you’ll stop thinking of your ex as your savior and find other ways to deal with pain and various issues.
The breakup is the perfect opportunity for you to grow wiser and stronger. By taking it seriously, you can improve in many ways and reach new heights. Ignore its lessons, however, and you might repeat the same mistakes in the future and continue to rely on your ex for basic human needs.
It’s okay to miss your ex and want to be with your ex. You can’t just forget your ex instantly and act like your ex doesn’t exist. But what you can do is work toward independence. Do this by going no contact and staying in it no matter how long it takes.
Don’t break the silence just because you’re struggling to cope with the breakup.
Most dumpees struggle with the breakup. Those who act on their pain tend to push their ex away and struggle even more as a result. They see their ex doesn’t want them and that they have made the situation even more difficult.
That’s why you must avoid taking your ex’s help and thinking your ex will want you back if you say and do the right things. The right post-breakup behavior includes leaving your ex alone and falling back in love with yourself. If you can do that, you’ll demonstrate that you love yourself and know your worth. Your ex may find it attractive and want you back if things go awry.
Is your ex offering to help you and you don’t know why? Why do you think your ex is being so nice? Comment below and let me know.
And if you’d like to chat with a breakup expert regarding your breakup and ways to handle it, check out Magnet of Success’s coaching services. You may discover the approach that best suits your needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
