Dumpers often act cold and heartless after the breakup. They respond shortly and slowly and show no interest in their ex’s health and well-being. They appear completely detached and uninterested in how their ex feels and what he or she wants. All they want is to be left alone and talk to people who add value to their lives.
Whether they want to talk to friends or new dating prospects, they can’t talk to them if their ex reaches out to them, forces them to think about the past, and expects responses, clarifications, love, validation, or anything dumpers don’t want to give. If dumpers think their ex is asking for relationship matters, they feel guilt-tripped and pressured and either don’t respond, respond angrily, or respond coldly.
Much like an angry response, a cold response is a defensive response. It shows that the dumper feels (emotionally) overwhelmed and that he or she doesn’t want to interact with the dumpee. The dumper has to first enjoy his or her freedom for a while, process negative breakup emotions, and find a reason to converse with the dumper.
A reason to converse can be anything from guilt, curiosity, and nostalgia to a desire for friendship and romance.
When the dumper wants to chat, the dumper reaches out of his or her own accord and looks happy or even excited to talk. The dumper shows that he or she respects the dumpee and is willing to catch up. It may be too soon to talk about difficult relationship topics, but at least he or she feels ready to engage in conversation.
Until then, the dumper often appears cold and unrecepitve. He or she doesn’t want to reply but replies anyway. His or he responses indicate it’s too early to be friends and that he or she responds out of principle rather than a desire to exchange information and stay in touch.
If you keep reaching out and/or talking about things your ex doesn’t want to talk about (relationship or reconciliation), your ex could get colder and may eventually even stop responding. If you bother your ex too much, your ex could make an exception to his or her morals and ignore you when you want an answer very badly.
There’s only so much your ex will tolerate before your ex stops responding and demands silence from you.
So if you’re wondering why dumpers act so cold after breaking up with you, it’s because they expected to be left alone and live life on their terms. They hoped that the breakup would allow them to stop thinking about your problems, wants, and needs, and let them focus on their own lives.
They certainly didn’t expect to see how they made you feel by breaking your heart and leaving you to fend for yourself.
When they see how hurt you are, they feel overwhelmed with guilt, shut down emotionally, and put up an emotional wall. This lets them fend off your expectations and reminders about what they’ve done to you. It lets them focus on their happiness rather than your unhappiness.
You see, dumpers break up with dumpees to avoid certain thoughts and feelings. For weeks before the breakup, they hoped that the breakup would let them prioritize different people and things and prevent them from thinking about the past. So when they see that their ex doesn’t want to let go of things and has expectations they can’t fulfill, they get stressed and feel bad for causing their ex pain and problems.
Since they don’t want to feel that way, they start pushing their ex away. Some dumpers tell their ex they don’t want to be friends and talk whereas others act cold and distant. They non-verbally show their ex they don’t want to associate with their ex even as friends and that they need time to do what they want and feel what they want.
Basically, they reveal that they’re done with the relationship and all the hassle that comes with it and that they wish to distance themselves from unwanted thoughts and feelings. Distance lets them feel in total control of their life and enables them to talk only to people they’re ready to talk to and consider as equals.
That’s why they act cold when their ex reaches out and triggers the emotions they’ve been trying to avoid at all costs. Their behavior comes across as uncaring and rude, but they don’t see anything wrong with it since they feel disrespected, pressured, and overwhelmed.
Both dumpees and dumpers need space after the breakup. They need it to deal with difficult breakup thoughts and emotions, see things from a clearer perspective, and figure out if they want to stay broken up, be friends, occasional friends, friends with benefits, or nothing at all.
Space can help them figure out if they miss each other and want each other in their lives. Sometimes they only think they want something because they’re emotional, but later change their mind. They process things and realize they want something completely different.
Today’s post revolves around the subject of why dumpers act so cold after the breakup. We further elaborate on what kind of behavior triggers cold responses and what those responses could mean.
Why do dumpers act so cold after the breakup?
Dumpers act so cold and distant because it feels right. A concise/disinterested response aligns with their morals and allows them to keep you at a reasonable distance. It lets them indirectly express that you overstepped their boundaries and that you need to back off unless you want to receive even more uncaring responses.
Something needs to change. You either need to watch what you’re saying or asking for or stop reaching out completely. You mustn’t continue to make them feel uncomfortable and push them to the point of acting cold. If they were capable of a different response, they would respond differently (perhaps they’d ask for space and time to focus on themselves).
But since they’re not capable of understanding your emotions or caring about them and responding empathetically, all they can give you is a cold reply that conveys you’re not listening to them and giving them what they want. You’re giving them the opposite of what they expect from you and making them feel overprioritized and trapped.
They want you to stop what you’re doing and let them feel the emotions they want to feel.
You clearly don’t make them feel positive emotions. You may be doing your best to help them relax and feel respected, but it’s not working. As long as they perceive you negatively, they feel smothered and tempted to act cold and distant.
Dumpers don’t act cold for no reason. A cold response is a depiction of how they feel and what they want (or don’t want). If they act super cold, it’s because they aren’t getting their wishes and needs met and want you to realize your mistakes. At first, they’ll probably turn cold and warn you. They’ll show that your behavior isn’t welcome and that you need to do something about it before they resort to ignoring or blocking.
Not all dumpers block and ignore. But if they see that their ex isn’t giving them the space they need to self-prioritize and avoid the emotions they associate with their ex, they often feel angry and victimized and do what they must to feel in control of their post-breakup life.
By acting cold, they reiterate that the relationship has ended and that they won’t get back together no matter how badly their ex misses them and wants to reconcile. They’d rather start a new chapter of their life (with someone else) and see where life takes them.
Dumpers’ cold behavior reinforces the breakup and warns the dumpee that he or she will get hurt unless he or she stops acting on instinct and accepts the breakup. It’s their way of warning the dumpee that there could be consequences if the dumpee treats the breakup like a relationship or friendship.
So bear in mind that many dumpers act cold after the breakup. Many dumpers get tired of talking to the dumpee and helping the dumpee feel important. They think it’s time to stop sacrificing their time, energy, and emotions for a person they broke up with and that the quicker they stop interacting with their ex, the quicker they’ll regain control and be happy.
The last thing dumpers want is to feel responsible for their ex’s problems and recovery. They fear that if they take responsibility, their ex will take advantage of them and force them to interact for weeks or months.
That’s why they choose not to offer help and ask for space instead.
They do this by acting cold and disinterested in their ex’s life and treating their ex like a nobody. But then again, a nobody would receive a warm or kind response. He or she wouldn’t be treated coldly.
Many dumpees don’t hear a peep from their ex. They get ignored and have to figure out why their ex is staying quiet. Such dumpees tend to take things very personally and get their self-esteem crushed. They experience immense pain and want their ex to love them even more.
I’m not saying you should consider yourself lucky that your ex responds coldly. But do think of it as your ex choosing to respond because it feels like the right thing to do and responding coldly because he or she can’t give you what you want and match your energy.
Your ex needs more time to put the breakup behind him/her and find a desire or need to talk to you. When your ex finds it, it will likely be by coincidence.
Also, many dumpers act cold because they meet someone new and like getting to know him or her. They feel like they’re on cloud nine and think they’ve made the best decision of their life.
But when they receive a text or call from their ex, they get pulled back to reality and feel forced to acknowledge that they broke their ex’s heart and ignored his or her emotional investment and relationship plans.
The realization that they’re dating someone new while their ex is struggling to cope with the breakup tells them they’re selfish and makes them feel guilty. To deal with guilt, they respond coldly and stay away from their ex. They don’t feel bad enough to stop dating the new person and help their ex deal with the breakup blues.
A cold response is good enough for them as it shows they don’t hate their ex. They just don’t want to feel responsible, reject their ex again, and help their ex get through the breakup. They expect their ex to recover from the breakup on his or her own.
With that said, here’s why dumpers act so cold after the breakup.
What to do when dumpers act so cold?
Whatever you do, don’t tell them they’re acting cold and that you deserve better treatment after everything you’ve done for them. Instead of criticizing their behavior and asking them to show some respect and care, give them what they need not to act cold.
Give them the space they’ve been asking for and show them you won’t burden them with your problems and expectations. That may not urge them to give you what you want (explanations, closure, recognition, love, and stability), but it will prevent them from negatively reacting to your words and behavior.
It will tell them you’re not difficult to talk to and encourage them to reach out when they’ve processed the breakup.
Always remember that if they wanted to treat you with kindness and give you what you needed, they would have done so already. You wouldn’t need to beg them to think about your feelings.
Although some dumpers consider their ex’s feelings when their ex expresses pain and asks for understanding, many dumpers don’t. Many dumpers continue to feel pressured by their ex and think their ex should leave them out of their problems. They think the breakup was supposed to let both parties worry about themselves and move on with their lives.
Hence, if you’re not happy with your ex’s cold, uncaring, mean, or strange behavior, cut your ex off. Go no contact with your dumper ex and stop the dumper from acting cold and making you think you’re not good enough for him or her.
No contact won’t heal you overnight, but it will slowly help you get back on your feet, heal your damaged self-esteem, and show you that your ex was never the main part of your life. He or she was just an addition.
Now that you’re single, you must learn to live without your ex. It doesn’t matter if you share a home with your ex or if your ex promised you the world and made you feel like you could get back together. If your ex doesn’t want to be with you anymore, your ex doesn’t love you. And if your ex doesn’t love you, your ex doesn’t deserve you.
You must distance yourself from your ex and let the power of no contact do its magic. If you do no contact right (follow all its rules and stay in it long enough), your ex will stop feeling emotions he or she doesn’t want to feel and may even contact you when the time is right.
But right now, this isn’t the time to talk. You must regain your emotional independence and get yourself back before you consider reconnecting with an ex. Especially with an ex who acts cold every time you say hello. His or her cold behavior indicates emotional disconnection and a lack of feelings and common interests.
You don’t have a choice but to walk away from your ex and talk to people who give you the responses you crave.
Why do you think dumpers act so cold after breaking up with their ex? Why don’t they just respond politely and say how they feel and why they feel that way? Share your views on this topic below.
And if you want to discuss your ex’s cold behavior with us, visit our coaching page here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
