Ex-husband Wants Me Back After Divorce

If your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce, something must have gone awry for your ex-husband. Something must have hurt him, stopped his post-breakup plans, and made him see that he’s made a terrible decision.

That something could be anything that made him feel nostalgic, anxious, and desperate to reconnect.

The most feasible explanation is that your ex-husband fell for another woman, invested his feelings and hope in her, and failed miserably with her. The pain from the failed relationship then inspired or forced him to reflect and realize that if he wants to heal, feel secure, and be happy, he needs to get back with you.

So that’s exactly what your ex did. He contacted you in hopes of fixing broken trust and forgetting that he left you (possibly for someone else).

Now that he’s hurting and lacks a plan to move forward, he considers you a good partner and wants you back as quickly as possible. You’re his backup option – a person who always helped him with his problems and validated him.

He can’t afford to miss the opportunity to rely on you and secure a place in the relationship with you before you give someone else a chance.

Your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce for a reason. He may not have told you what that reason was (most people don’t), but clearly, something good and then something bad happened while you were gone.

Your ex experienced a moment of happiness and empowerment, followed by a moment of sadness and a loss of hope and control.

The latter moment is much stronger because pain always outweighs happiness.

It makes people yearn for help, attention, closure, acceptance, and affection and tempts them to get these things in the quickest and easiest way possible. Oftentimes, the easiest ways include empowering themselves not by working on themselves but by getting romantically involved with another person.

They choose to make themselves feel better that way because another person accepts them as they are and validates them. He or she basically says that they needn’t do any self-improvement work and that they can rely on him or her for anything they need.

This gives them the idea that being with someone is better than being alone and that they can cheat in life (deal with pain) by getting back with their exes.

Because reconciliations are quick solutions to pain and unresolved problems, dumpers tend not to take the time to work on themselves and resolve their issues. They just focus on feeling better/validated and as a result, soon encounter similar problems with their partner.

If they don’t resolve those problems fast enough, they usually disconnect from their partner again and experience another breakup.

Two consecutive breakups are often the end of their relationship. 

So if your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce and you want your ex back, don’t think that everything will go smoothly from now on.

You’ll most likely need to learn to trust your ex again whereas your ex will need to fix his issues and prove his loyalty. It will take a while before this relationship gets back on track and gives you the safety that you need.

Before you get back with your ex, you should figure out what made your ex want you back.

What or rather who destroyed your ex’s post-breakup plans and made him or her see you as a viable option? Was it time away from you alone that made your ex miss you romantically and want you back?

That’s possible but highly unlikely as someone who leaves you feels relieved and has other plans. Plans that don’t involve you.

It’s much more likely that your ex had put his faith in another person and got his expectations, goals, ego, self-esteem, and happiness crushed. Your ex thought that someone else could make him happier and that all he needed to do was follow his heart.

Well, following his heart (intuition) didn’t work. It made him feel validated and excited for a while. But when excitement waned and reality kicked in, he realized that the life he had wasn’t bad and that he took his happiness and comfort and your personality, love, and support for granted.

I don’t know if your ex-husband wants you back because you’re an amazing person or because he wants your help with rejection pain or unmanifested expectations. This is something you’ll have to figure out on your own.

And we’ll show you how you can do that in this article. But first, we’ll explain why your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce.

Why does my ex-husband want me back after divorce?

If your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce, you must have done something right. You must have given your ex space and let him have his freedom and joy. This means you refused to beg and plead, guilt-trip him, and argue with him (or do that for long) and let him focus on things he wanted to focus on.

Because you pulled away and retained your worth and pride, you showed him you didn’t need him to exist and be happy. You just needed to spend time with others and do things that made you happy.

Initially, your ex appreciated you giving space and respected you for it. But when your ex encountered problems bigger than he could handle, things started to fall apart and space was no longer an issue.

Suddenly, your ex could no longer ignore his new problems stacked on top of old problems and realized that the best way to deal with stressors was to join forces with you.

Your validation and support proved to be reliable in the past, so it seemed reasonable to rely on you once more. This helped your ex to get rid of new problems (whether they were caused by romantic rejection, financial stress, or loneliness) and encouraged your ex to reconsider being with you.

So if your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce and you can’t figure out why, know that it’s got less to do with you than you think. Sure, your relationship was probably decent and you’re also a decent person, but that’s not the reason exes come back.

Exes (dumpers) come back because they fail to find happiness and achieve success without their ex. Not only do their ambitions not come true, but they also suffer as a result of their failures. This makes them remember their exes (usually a recent ex) and forces them to chase after them.

Because they’re in pain, they tend to come running back at lightning speed. They want to go from 0 to 100 very quickly and forget about their mistakes and problems. Just like dumpees want to reconcile immediately, so too do dumpers.

They just need to become anxious and regretful first.

Pain is the biggest motivator for reconciliation. Dumpees think their exes want them back because they realize they’re amazing, but they tend not to ask themselves why their exes realized their amazingness.

That’s why they often underestimate their exes’ reasons for coming back and by doing so impulsively jump back into a relationship with their exes. That validates their exes and prevents them from working on their shortcomings and things that would prevent another breakup.

So if your ex-husband divorced you and had a change of heart, bear in mind that your ex tried to succeed and be happy without you. Your ex did his very best to find someone better and leave you behind.

Don’t take that lightly.

If your ex hadn’t found someone incompatible, failed to find dates, or experienced anxiety and other difficult emotions, your ex wouldn’t have come back. Your ex would have moved forward and not looked back.

Therefore, the only reason your ex wants you back is that things didn’t go according to plan. Your ex overestimated his importance and ability to find happiness on his own.

Due to a crushed ego and self-esteem, your ex is now hoping that you’ll take him back and heal his wounds. That would validate your ex and make him happy.

With that said, here are 6 reasons why your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce.

If your ex wants you back after divorcing you, remember that your ex wants to feel how he felt when the relationship was strong and healthy. Your ex wants to forget the present and re-experience the past because the past felt peaceful and reassuring.

In contrast to the present, it was paradise as it didn’t have that many problems and apprehensions.

Your ex is well aware of the fact that he caused all these problems and that he’s no longer the victim. Not now that anxiety destroyed his self-esteem, ego, and pride and made him see and regret his flaws and mistakes.

We could say that pain humbled him and opened his eyes. It’s a shame he couldn’t identify his problems and resolve them without dumping you, having fun for a while, failing, and getting hurt. He needed to learn the hard way that relationships require work, gratitude, and emotional investment.

That’s what regretful dumpers discover.

As for those who come back for themselves only to heal, they don’t learn much. They just use their ex to overcome difficulties and feel better. Their emotions are their top priority whereas their ex’s feelings and wants don’t mean much to them.

That’s why you must make sure of two things.

1. That your ex-husband wants you back for the right reasons.
2. That you avoid getting dumped and hurt again.

If you’re thinking about taking your ex back because you want love after divorce, you need to be careful so you don’t give your ex validation for free. You need to observe your ex’s behavior and discover his intentions.

Does my ex-husband want me back after the divorce for the right reasons?

Some exes come crying back and saying how sorry they are for abandoning the relationship. But despite getting so emotional and appearing eager to work on the relationship, they don’t do anything to improve themselves and stay with their ex.

They just wait and focus on getting what they can from the relationship. Needless to say, such exes come back for themselves and stay only for as long as they’re hurt and need help.

When they heal and realize they don’t actually love their ex, they again revert to their old selves and leave. They don’t see a reason to stay because their reason for coming back had nothing to do with their ex.

They returned solely to make themselves feel better. And that isn’t a good enough reason for a relationship to succeed. A relationship needs commitment, effort, appreciation, love, care, and a little bit of fear of breaking up.

When you know your partner is important, you won’t be able to stand the thought of losing him or her; especially to someone else.

That’s why it’s super important that you analyze your ex’s reasons for coming back. You must make sure that he hasn’t come back just to take from you and that he also wants to invest in you and fix his mistakes.

Do that by asking your ex lots of questions, starting with:

• Why did you change your mind?
• What were you doing while I was gone?
• Did you date anyone? How did that go?
• What makes you think I’m the one?
• How do you feel about the breakup?
• If I take you back, what will you do to avoid falling out of love again?
• Do you realize it will take weeks or months to earn my trust?

You can avoid heartbreak by asking lots of questions. Questions not just about the breakup but also about what your ex is prepared to do to avoid a similar outcome.

Your ex may appear sad, but that may not suffice.

Your ex needs concrete plans on what he’s going to do, change, or improve as well as make promises backed by frequent reassurances (proof) that he’s prepared to put tons of effort into making the relationship work.

If your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce and is serious about it, rest assured that your ex will be more than happy to give you power back and do what’s required of him. He won’t reject your ideas, argue, appear angry/impatient, and tell you to trust him already.

A guy who understands he messed up will make sure that your wants and needs are met. By doing so, he will slowly earn your trust back and ensure his own safety and well-being.

That’s why the best indicator of regret is your ex’s willingness to stop feeling sorry for himself and do what’s required of him. His words but mainly his actions are extremely important. They show how committed and eager he is to earn his spot in the relationship with you.

As a dumpee, you’re looking for his promises to you and also himself. You want him to understand what’s at stake and that he shouldn’t disappoint you again if he wants to be happy.

So observe his willingness to work on the relationship and himself. You should understand relatively quickly whether his intentions are genuine and if he’s capable of giving you what you want.

Should I take my ex-husband back?

Whether you should take your ex-husband back is a personal decision. I can’t decide for you because you’re the only one who knows what your ex-husband is like as a person and if you’re able to forgive him for ditching you and causing you pain.

Therefore, all I can give you is a few pointers and questions to ask yourself.

First and foremost, can you let go of the pain and suffering your ex has put you through? Can you trust him with your heart and have a healthy relationship with him?

If you can’t trust him, there’s no point in taking him back. You’ll just string the guy along and make both him and yourself suffer. Consider taking him back only if you’re willing to give him a chance to prove his worth.

Secondly, has the guy done anything to grow while you were separated? Since he’s the dumper, he probably hasn’t learned much or anything at all. He’s been having fun for as long as fun lasted. But despite having so much fun, he failed in his quest for happiness and realized that he still needed you and wanted you back.

I suppose the real question is has he realized your worth or does he just want you back to patch his wounds? Figure that out by asking him important questions that will help you determine his ability and willingness to grow and invest in you.

Once you’ve done that, ask yourself if you’re willing to give him months of time to showcase changes and improvements. Are you aware that it could take him a while to mature and you quite some time to lower your defenses and get over the abandonment and the things that have ensued after the breakup?

If you got cheated on, you’ll need to process the cheating. And if your ex got involved with another person, you’ll have to process that too. Before love can resume, you’ll basically need to learn to let go of the past and be okay with what has happened.

Also, is your ex-husband even the right person for you? You guys broke up, so clearly, things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. There are or were underlying issues that caused the breakup. Make certain those issues are gone or that they can be resolved before you take your ex back.

You probably don’t want to hear this, but it may be better to start anew with someone else. With someone you don’t resent and fear getting dumped by. Give it some thought and determine if your ex is as unique as you think.

Emotional distance will help you see your ex’s bad traits and behaviors. Pay close attention and take what you see seriously.

If you were with your ex-husband for many years, it might also not be a bad idea to get to know some other guys. There are plenty of guys out there who could give you what you’re looking for. You just need to find them and get to know them.

I hope you’ve learned why your ex-husband wants you back after the divorce. If you have any questions or stories to share, feel free to post them below. We’ll get back to you soon.

And if you want to talk to us about your ex-husband wanting to be with you again, click here to sign up for 1-on-1 coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.