My Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone! It’s So Frustrating!

My ex won’t leave me alone

When your ex won’t leave you alone after the breakup, your ex doesn’t understand the inconvenience he or she is causing you. Your ex doesn’t see why you need space and how space can help you focus on the right things after the breakup.

All your ex sees are his or her own reasons for communicating with you and bothering you. Of course, your ex doesn’t find himself or herself bothersome, but your ex does think you should be more understanding and flexible.

Why your ex thinks that way depends on whether your ex is a dumpee (the person who got dumped) or a dumper (the person who did the dumping).

If your ex did the dumping, your ex likely doesn’t stop bugging you because your ex thinks you guys should be buddies or best buddies and that you owe your ex friendship. Your ex might also feel bad for leaving you and wants to make sure you’re coping with the breakup before your ex moves on to someone new.

What exactly your ex wants isn’t difficult to tell. You just need to observe your ex’s behavior and attitude and see if your ex feels guilty and keeps checking up on your health and well-being. An ex who feels guilty or is concerned about you will apologize, ask you lots of questions, and maybe even encourage you to reach out if you’re struggling.

A non-guilty ex who merely wants to be friends, on the other hand, will talk about random things that don’t concern you. This is because your ex will be ready to talk about anything unrelated to the relationship while you’re still recovering and trying to understand what went wrong.

Before you can even think about befriending your ex, you’ll need to heal first. It will probably take months or longer to make that kind of emotional progress because healing is like two steps forward, one step backward. It takes a lot of time to get your happy self back.

But what if you left your ex and now your ex won’t leave you alone to enjoy your space and independence?

In that case, you must try to understand that your ex is in denial and pain and needs help. Your ex is going through one of the worst predicaments of his or her life and thinks you’re the only person in the world who can take his or her pain away.

And sadly, it’s true.

You’re the only one who can instantly make all your ex’s problems go away. But to do that, you must take your ex back and validate your ex’s importance. You must show your ex you had a change of heart and that you care about your ex romantically.

Since you don’t have romantic feelings for your ex anymore, your ex notices it and now wants to feel loved more than ever. Your ex is searching for ways to get love and won’t stop searching until you give him or her love or until your ex detaches to the point where he or she becomes more emotionally self-reliant.

Most persistent dumpees normally stop begging and pleading about a month or two into the breakup. That’s when they regain some of their self-esteem and gather the strength to pull away.

Only the most hurt dumpees persist for months.

Such dumpees are extremely attached to their partner, never experienced a breakup before, or have some kind of mental health problem that prevents them from focusing on themselves and preserving their worth.

Whatever the case may be, they lack the strength to handle the breakup on their own, so they turn to their ex for closure. This means they chase their ex when they should be starting no contact and finding alternate ways to heal.

Despite that, dumpees need understanding and support rather than criticism and rejection. Rejections make them even more desperate for love, acceptance, and connection.

So treat your dumpee with care and respect. You don’t need to pretend you still love your ex, but you should express sympathy as that is what the dumpee is looking for the most.

You see, when the person you left won’t leave you alone, it’s because he or she feels rejected, unworthy, and anxious. If you ignore your ex, get angry, or do something mean, you’ll make your ex feel even worse.

You may even bring a bad reaction out of your ex that hurts you badly.

So be mindful of your ex’s feelings. Be caring even though you never felt so compelled to run away from your ex before. Your ex will appreciate it, but so will you when you think back and acknowledge that you helped your ex process some difficult emotions.

In today’s post, we’ll discuss what to do when your ex won’t leave you alone. We’ll show you how to handle a rejected/angry dumpee and a dumper who thinks you owe him or her friendship.

My ex won’t leave me alone

My ex won’t leave me alone

Before we talk about what to do when your ex won’t leave you alone, you need to understand that your ex has a reason for not leaving you alone. That reason may not concern you, but it’s clearly very important to your ex.

Your ex has certain expectations of you now that you’ve broken up, so you should at the very least try to understand what those expectations are. By understanding them, you’ll feel less emotional and be less reactive to the things your ex says and does.

You’ll be able to handle the breakup maturely and feel that you did everything in your power to preserve your worth and/or help your struggling dumpee.

If you left your ex, it probably won’t be easy to remain calm, do the morally right thing, and get your ex to leave you alone. It won’t be easy to ignore your feelings and pretend you’re okay. But fortunately, you don’t have to pretend everything’s fine.

You just need to control your emotions and express what you want and why you want it. Your ex will understand. And if your ex doesn’t, there are other things you can do.

If your ex dumped you and won’t leave you alone, however, then you can take a more direct approach. You can tell your ex to leave you alone (only in better words) as the likelihood of your ex getting anxious and falling into depression is extremely low.

It’s much more likely that you’ll stay anxious, depressed, and hopeful if you allow your ex to stay close to you.

So if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend won’t leave you alone, know that the advice I have is slightly different for every situation. It particularly depends on who dumped who, how your ex is making you feel, whether you and your ex are dating anyone, and how you and your ex treated each other during the breakup.

If you showed no respect for each other, it may be better to leave each other alone and focus on your own lives.

Why won’t my dumpee ex leave me alone?

Your dumpee ex won’t leave you alone because of one simple reason. Your ex is suffering from the breakup and has a hard time staying away from you. Staying away from you gives your ex unbelievable separation anxiety and makes your ex afraid for his or her safety and future.

Your ex isn’t prepared to let go of you yet and live a life in which you aren’t in it. That’s why your ex does the only thing that eases anxiety and gives him or her a sense of control. Your ex contacts you and pesters you.

Therefore, the reason your ex won’t leave you alone after you dumped him/her is that your ex isn’t ready to get space from you. Your ex is used to being around you and wants to experience the love and comfort he or she felt in the past.

By feeling respected and adored, your ex can reduce separation anxiety and fears of the unknown and keep his or her reconciliation hope alive.

It can be scary to visualize the dumper not being a part of your life anymore. It can feel like you’re losing years of your life and that your ex is willing to throw away everything you have accomplished together. These kinds of thoughts can be anxiety-triggering and make your ex want to convince your ex to give the relationship another chance.

As a dumper who lost feelings, you needn’t take your ex back just because your ex is hurting. Heck, it probably hasn’t even crossed your mind because you felt smothered and disrespected. But no matter how pressured you felt and still feel, you should be supportive as much as you can so that your ex can heal and also leave you alone quicker.

You have to remember that dumpees stop contacting their dumpers when they stop blaming themselves and feeling rejected. You can help your ex with this not by telling your ex it’s not your ex’s fault and that you might change your mind in the future but by reassuring your ex it wasn’t an easy decision for you and that you’re happy to answer any questions he or she may have.

That is all you need to do as far as your responsibility as a dumper goes. The rest of the healing is your ex’s job as your ex needs to find a way to stop depending on you emotionally and get over the breakup.

Eventually, your ex will get stronger and stop contacting you. You just need to be patient and wait for that to happen.

Here are some things that determine how quickly the person you abandon leaves you alone.

Why my ex won't leave me alone

Why won’t my dumper ex leave me alone?

If your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend who dumped you won’t leave you alone, the very first thing you must understand is that your ex lacks the emotional intelligence required to understand how you feel when he or she reaches out. Your ex has no clue that your reach outs are giving you false hope and setting you back emotionally.

That’s why your ex keeps reaching out time after time and confusing you.

It’s also possible that your ex understands how you feel but doesn’t care about it. That would imply that your ex doesn’t care about your feelings and is prepared to hurt you just to get some things from you.

Some of the things your dumper ex could want from you are a break from guilt, emotional support, forgiveness, and a highly conditional friendship. A friendship that is convenient for your ex and inconvenient for you.

Dumpers often don’t understand that their ex isn’t ready for friendship as quickly as they are. Their ex needs months of time to process separation anxiety and all the problems he or she encounters after the breakup.

Once the dumpee has processed all those things, however, the dumpee might find his or her happiness and prefer not to talk to the dumper for a while.

The dumpee might feel so empowered by the new-found closure and peace that the dumpee might decide to stay in no contact. If that’s what the dumpee wants, the dumper must leave the dumpee alone until he or she has a change of heart or until the dumpee wants friendship.

So if your dumper ex won’t leave you alone, know that your ex is used to communicating with you and doesn’t want to discard the connection he or she has with you. The dumper wants to keep the friendship aspect of the relationship while rejecting the romantic one.

This means your ex wants the best of both worlds. He or she wants what you have to offer as a friend or ex-partner and give you very little of what you need in return.

Here are 7 reasons why your ex won’t leave you alone after dumping you.

Ex girlfriend won't leave me alone

What to do when your ex won’t leave you alone?

If your ex won’t leave you alone, your solution to the problem varies, depending on whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper.

If you’re the dumper, you need to keep in mind that your ex won’t bother you forever. As soon as your ex recovers, your ex will likely realize that contacting you is bad for his or her health and that it reduces the chances of getting back with you.

You can expect your ex to eventually leave you alone and lose interest. To make your ex leave you alone faster, though, you should avoid reaching out to your ex and initiating conversations. The only time you should talk to your ex for a little while is when it’s about kids (or something important) and when your ex reaches out to you.

That’s when you should answer your ex’s questions so that your ex can get closure and leave you alone afterward.

As we mentioned earlier, most dumpees are looking for reassurance. If they see that their ex cares about them (as a person only), they tend to accept the breakup, get out of denial, and stay away from their ex to avoid embarrassing themselves and ruining their image.

If you think that your ex doesn’t care about preserving his or her value and image, you should tell your ex you’ll answer questions and talk about the breakup if that’s what your ex wants.

But if your ex insults you or tries to make things difficult for you and your loved ones, then you’ll have no choice but to ignore or perhaps even block your ex.

The breakup may be difficult for your ex, but that doesn’t give your ex the right to hurt you.

On the other hand, if your ex is a dumper, then you should immediately take back power and control (at least as much as you can, anyway). You should tell your ex you’re not ready for friendship and that you don’t want to be friends right now.

Say you’re still processing things and that you’ll reach out if you ever think that it’s a good idea.

And that’s it. You’ll have to wait and see if your ex leaves you alone after that. Your ex probably will. Most dumpers do because they respect their ex’s need to disassociate from the dumper and recover.

I hope you’ve learned why your ex won’t leave you alone after the breakup and what you can do about it. Leave your thoughts below and we’ll get back to you soon.

And if your story is too complicated to share in the comments, subscribe to coaching for 1-on-1 guidance. See you next time!

11 thoughts on “My Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone! It’s So Frustrating!”

  1. Hi Zan, this article was amazing. You truly understand what I am going through as the person who has been dumped. My ex fiancé of 7 years will not leave me alone. I’ve expressed my boundaries and have constantly said I am not ready for friendship. He reaches out from different numbers and has went as far as emailing me. I block everything but he still finds a way. It’s confusing.

    1. Hi Tay.

      Just keep blocking him. He’ll eventually accept it and find someone else to pester. Don’t entertain him because that will give him hope and reasons to keep bothering you.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  2. Thank you so much for this.
    My partner and i where together for 6 years before we broke up (another story). We both moved on to other relationships but remained friends. He got engaged and moved towns to be with his partner and they lived together for less than 2 years. Their relationship ended when she kept making demands on him regarding his work and them getting married.
    I had been in 2 relationships that hadn’t worked when my ex contacted me and asked if we could give things another go. We’ve been back together now for 4 years and initially he told me he was maintaining a friendship with his ex because he hadn’t fallen out with her so he didn’t see it as being an issue. I could see his point, we had remained friends and it had worked for us so why not. However, it became apparent very early on that she wanted more than just a friendship and began saying things like she wished the baby she was now carrying was his, she still loved him etc. After her son was born she ever rang him to invite him over to meet the baby (there is absolutely no chance the child is his)… that was the last straw for me, i totally broke down. He found me sat on the floor in the bedroom with my head in my hands just sobbing. He cut all contact with her and blocked her number.
    So then she started in on me. for 3 years now she has intermittently found various ways to message me…the latest being a business site that has a messaging service. She has been vile in the past but this time she was reaching out “as a friend”. The baby’s father is abusive (they aren’t together any more) and has forced her to move out of her home town. We’ve never met, we have nothing in comment other that my partner so it all just feels like another play for her to be in touch with him/us. He has maintained no contact and isn’t interested in being in touch with her because he know’s she’s just trying to cause trouble but she just won’t let it go. It’s been 5 years since they split up and she’s still trying to find ways to be in our lives.
    I replied politely to her last message and asked her to just move on and then blocked her and removed myself from the site. I’ve even asked him to just message her and say enough is enough but as he pointed out, if he does that then she has his attention and she’ll just continue.
    Your article has made me see that this is just a her issue and that the best course of action is just to keep her blocked and if she finds any other inroads to just ignore her, this is a ‘Her Ego” issue and has nothing more to do with us.

    1. Hi Michelle.

      This girl is obsessed with your partner and unhappy with her life. I strongly encourage you to keep her blocked and not respond if she finds other ways to contact you. Every time you or your partner respond, you show you’re there for her emotionally. This has to stop so she can regain emotional independence.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  3. My ex-wife left me after almost two decades of marriage. I cared for her very much and feel that I did everything humanly possible to provide her with a good life, security, support and above all total commitment and love. Nothing was ever enough and i was constantly exhausted trying to keep her happy. We moved repeatedly as she has a low boredom threshold and always looks to the external for answers. Nowhere made her happy.
    I tried to humour her at every turn. We have a son together and I was the sole breadwinner so faced pressure of carrying that weight under difficult conditions. She has suffered from depression and other mental illness most of her life and I supported her through various addictions and ongoing depressive episodes.
    I never seemed to be able to have her affection for long before she’d become dissatisfied again and often blame me. She wasn’t interested in making an effort with our social group and I was always having to excuse what looked to others like her being stabdoffish or antisocial.
    She withdrew from me more and more and finally revealed that she felt confused about her sexuality. Intimacy disappeared altogether and I felt like the hired help she strangely resented. I supported her through what I thought was a phase with as much compassion as possible. It was demoralising to know all our friends and family knew she’d come to reject me. She started an emotional affair with a younger man in another country and chatted to him online at night. It was hard when she went to spend time with him after.
    Then she announced that she was bisexual or maybe a lesbian and wouldn’t touch me or give me any affection at all.
    She moved out with our son around 18 months ago and started dating women. She was very cold about it all and I felt she was punishing me somehow.
    She had an affair with a woman for just over a year and made it very public on social media which was very painful. I hoped there’d be a chance for us if I was patient with this latest whim.
    After being hostile and uncaring for over a year she started being friendly and sentimental and regretted our family unit breaking. Then she said she planned to leave her partner and asked if we could try again.
    Their relationship has ended very badly and I have heard that her girlfriend felt betrayed and taken advantage of. She now has animosity towards her and has started another relationship with a woman she was somewhat involved with at the same time.
    I have met a wonderful, warm loving woman who has all the integrity and honesty I can clearly see my ex-wife never had. To think that I would have gladly take her back not long ago and put up with more unacceptable behaviour for much longer. The key is to detach as soon as possible and work on yourself and your own development.
    I wish her no harm but expect to see her pattern repeat with this new woman sooner or later. More heartache for more people and no sorrow from her for it.
    We have one short, precious life. When someone disrespects us and moves on let’s have the self respect and self care to let them go with gratitude and never look back. Sometimes it is a very lucky escape!!!

    1. Hi Dean.

      Thanks for sharing your story. You did so much for this woman – too much, but she always took you for granted. She even blamed you for her problems and then cheated on you. This isn’t something you must take lightly. She’ll have a hard time being in a committed relationship unless she finds help and works on herself. Fortunately, that’s no longer your concern. You have a new partner, so things worked out in the end.

      Best regards,
      Zan

    2. What if we moved together to her home country after being together for 3.5 years (in a foreign country) and only after 1 year of living together in her home country, she decides we are not compatible. Our next step was marriage.

      Now, I am alone in this foreign country and feeling extremely low. In this case, I am the one bothering her with regular requests for reconsideration. Not sure what else I can do especially when I am in a much less proper shape physically, mentally socially and financially.

  4. always coming with good articles Zan! I learned why my ex won’t leave you alone after the breakup even more

    Lucky to have you around to help us heal

  5. Another great article zan! Its all
    So so true ..i never once reached out to my ex and this last year she s constantly reached out thinking we could be friends. Only did i get caught in bread crumbs and false hope for a year along with i miss yous and heck even threw a kiss in there “she did “. Even
    More confusing 🤦🏻‍♂️
    . Finally i said please stop reaching out we were best friends and you chose to leave that
    We Cant be just friends..So we dont need to communicate anymore..i just couldn’t take the crumbs and confusion anymore. It took alot to finally walk away. Shes respected that now as its been almost three months of zero communication and im feeling good again!!! Crumbs are terrible and staying friends
    When u are not ready is never good!!! Thanks zan for all
    The articles they ve helped a tonne!! Cheers

    1. Hi DR.

      Great job on avoiding breadcrumbs from your ex. Now you can finally focus on healing and processing false hope. I hope your ex leaves you alone for good and that you find plenty of success and love soon.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

Leave a Reply

Scroll to Top