Boyfriend Gets Mad When I Don’t Do What He Wants

Does your boyfriend get mad when you don’t do what he wants? Does he make you feel ignorant and not good enough?

If a guy makes you feel unworthy because he keeps getting mad at you every time you do something wrong or something he thinks is wrong, you need to know that your boyfriend has a hard time controlling his emotions.

He believes that certain things should work a certain way and that any other way is wrong and that you should be punished for it. This kind of thinking combined with poor impulse control make your boyfriend exhibit his vexation in a very disapproving and hurtful way.

Instead of asking you about your reasons for refusing to do what he wants, he feels so rejected that he puts you down and uplifts himself.

He does this because he’s incapable of handling the rejection confidently. He hasn’t yet grown his emotional intelligence and learned the most valuable relationship lessons that would enable him to remain in control of his emotions and allow him to handle difficult situations better.

In other words, your boyfriend hasn’t matured up yet because he’s been merely reacting to stressors and what he perceived as injustice. He still needs to reflect on his behaviors and actions and realize that your well-being is more important than the things he expects from you.

It could take your boyfriend a long time to change something like that because change takes time. But if he’s willing to grow and stay with you long-term, this is something he’ll have to do. He’ll have to change otherwise you could get tired of being his punching bag and leave when you’ve absorbed too many hits.

Very few people can take abuse or poor attitude indefinitely. Even the most patient people get tired of tolerating unhealthy behavior and eventually escape the relationship to focus on themselves.

So if your boyfriend gets mad when you don’t do what he wants or when you do it differently than he wants you to do it, bear in mind that your boyfriend is playing with fire. Relationships (especially new ones) are extremely fragile and often break under pressure when couples lack the skills to maintain them. Someone tends to give up because he or she discerns that there’s no point in staying in a stagnant relationship.

This means that there’s a decent chance you’ll run out of patience one day or that your boyfriend will lose love and respect and leave you.

Don’t take this as a threat but as a warning that if nothing is done about it that your relationship will likely burn itself out. Or if you somehow manage to stay together through this, then you’ll probably be very unhappy as people tend not to change for no reason.

More often than not, some kind of strong incentive enables them to reflect and improve.

The question of today’s article is what to do if your boyfriend gets mad when you don’t do what he wants you to do.

Why does my boyfriend get mad at me?

The exact reason why your boyfriend gets mad when you say or do something “wrong” could stem from his childhood, but that’s not something you should be too concerned about.

Assuming that your boyfriend is a teenager or an adult, he should understand that he has inherited or developed anger issues and that he needs to work on them for his sake and the sake of the relationship.

Self-awareness is, unfortunately, something your boyfriend doesn’t have. It’s his biggest lacking as there won’t be any reflection and self-improvement without it. There will be just mindless, autopilot behavior that will encourage him to follow his primal instincts and prevent him from looking within himself.

There are quite a few reasons why your boyfriend gets mad when you don’t do what he wants you to do, but the lackings you should be the most aware of are:

• High expectations
• Lack of understanding
• Poor relationship knowledge
• Inadequate emotional maturity
• Upbringing

Anger is a part of all of us, but that doesn’t mean we should display it strongly and freely whenever someone hurts us or disappoints us. Yes, it’s true that anger can feel good as it can help us defend ourselves if someone tries to take advantage of us, but usually, the person taking advantage of us isn’t our partner.

Our partner loves us and has our back, which means we need to be kind and respectful to our partner as well. We continuously need to prove that we’re capable of handling difficult situations satisfactorily and that we’re trying our best to listen to feedback and improve our flaws.

If we take self-improvement for granted and use anger against our partner, we don’t prove we’re capable or willing to change. We just prove that we’re unhappy with our partner’s mentality or behaviors and that instead of talking about it and encouraging our partner to grow, we want to force our partner to respect us and do what we want him or her to do.

This kind of forced behavior shows that our life choices depend on how we feel rather than think and that we seek control through manipulation rather than encouragement, respect, and understanding.

So if your boyfriend gets angry a lot and does extremely impulsive things, bear in mind that your boyfriend has a lot of room for improvement. I’m not saying you should leave him, but you should at least try to figure out if he cares about the way he makes you feel and wants to do something about it.

As a girl or woman who’s unhappy with her boyfriend’s attitude, you likely already understand that when people get furious, they make their partners act out of fear. They scare them and make them walk on eggshells around them. Of course, this isn’t true for people who have a strong character and retaliate in anger because such people tend to resist forceful behavior.

But they still have turbulent relationships and more often than not, break up when too many resentments pile up. They just can’t improve their opinions of their partner and their partner of them and mend their relationship.

The fact that your boyfriend is getting mad at you every time you fail to reach his expectations is a big concern as he’s hogging all the power in the relationship. He feels victimized and as a result, projects his unhappiness onto you with the expectation to hurt you and change you.

You need to be careful about a guy who doesn’t think twice about hurting you. If he doesn’t care much about you when he’s hurting, it doesn’t matter if he cares about you when he’s happy and doing fine.

The quality of a relationship isn’t determined by how well couples function when their relationship is all sunshine 🌞 and rainbows. 🌈 It’s determined by how they cooperate when they have misunderstandings, issues, stressors, and concerns. 🌧️☔

Keep that in mind so you don’t keep holding on to the good times.

How to resolve issues with my boyfriend when he gets mad because I don’t do what he wants?

I can tell you from my personal experience that resolving issues in the heat of the moment is never a good idea. No matter what you say or do, you won’t be able to convince your boyfriend that what he’s doing is wrong as he’ll get offended and become defensive.

So instead of fixing the issue when it arises, do as Dale Carnegie suggests in his book, How to Win Friends & Influence People.

I’ve been using his world-famous quote and it’s been working for me. Maybe it will work for you as well.

I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.

Dale Carnegie

Avoiding an argument doesn’t mean you have to forever hold your peace and let your partner take advantage of you. All it means is that you should find a way to defuse the situation temporarily when emotions run high. If you can do that, you’ll get through any predicament and safely open up to your boyfriend once he’s calmed down and become open to suggestions that he no longer perceives as sharp criticism.

When your boyfriend becomes level-headed, that’s when you can approach this topic in a non-threatening manner and let your boyfriend know how he’s making you feel and what he’s doing wrong.

So before we even talk about what to do when your boyfriend gets mad at you for not reaching his expectations, let’s first talk about what you need to do to placate him.

Remember that when your boyfriend is angry, he’s in pain and is looking for understanding and care. If you can give him that while you’re also in pain, you’ll see just how quickly your boyfriend will simmer down and hopefully apologize for his wrongdoings.

You probably don’t want to apologize and put yourself under your boyfriend’s control, but you shouldn’t be too prideful about this. Your boyfriend feels victimized, so someone with self-control and a clear understanding of the situation needs to be the bigger person and take the lead.

That is until you get a chance to talk to your boyfriend and explain that he should also be an active participant in conflict-resolving conversations and that you would like him to change some of his ways and have a more loving relationship with you.

Talk to him about his anger after you’ve avoided the argument

As we’ve discussed, you won’t be able to convince your boyfriend to see things from your perspective when he’s angry and certain that his way is the only way.

You’ll be able to get your point across and coax your boyfriend when he cools off and becomes more receptive to everything you have to say. So don’t rush things and try to change him when he’s the least open to change.

My advice is to talk to your boyfriend when he’s in a good mood. If you do that, he’ll be much more open to compromise than he would be during his outbursts.

When he’s rational, start the conversation like this.

“Hey (name). I see you’re in a good mood and that’s great. I’d like to discuss something very important. Do you have some time to spare? It will only take a few minutes.”

When your boyfriend agrees to listen, thank him and say, “So the thing I’d like to talk to you about is how we handle arguments and difficult emotions. This may sound like criticism to you but please don’t take it that way. I’m proud of (something he’s been doing well recently), however, when you raise your voice at me, it makes me feel little. It feels like you wish to hurt me just to prove your point.”

I understand that sometimes you’re angry and that you feel misunderstood, but you have to understand that I do as well. I just don’t show you my disappointment because I don’t believe in anger and violence. I like to solve misunderstandings and disagreements by talking about them as calmly as possible.

The reason I’m telling you this is that I’d hoped you would notice some of your flaws on your own and that you’d want to improve in this regard. But, sadly, I haven’t noticed any major improvements thus far, so I’d like to remind you how important controlling emotions is for your well-being, my well-being, and the sake of the relationship.

I’ve been holding this inside for a while and it’s been hurting me a lot, so please let me know if you understand where I’m coming from so that we can come up with some kind of plan on how we can communicate and function better as a couple when things get heated.”

Once you’ve said that, see how your boyfriend responds. If he cares about you and wants to do something about his shortcomings, he’ll be more than happy to create a self-improvement plan that would improve his attitude and the quality of the relationship.

He could:

• Get therapy
• Give you more attention
• Show a greater interest in your opinions and feelings
• Ask you more questions
• And be more understanding and lenient with you when you make a mistake

But if your boyfriend doesn’t understand what you’re saying or doesn’t care about it, your boyfriend could once again get angry and blame you for his self-destructive emotions. In that case, you need to know that your boyfriend isn’t ready for the personal changes he needs to make and that he will most likely remain as he is until he finds a better reason to improve.

He could find that reason years later when you break up with him or when some other woman teaches him a thing or two about respect. But he most likely won’t improve on his own initiative as long as he has full control of the relationship and blames others for the way he is.

So if your boyfriend gets mad when you don’t do what he wants, bear in mind that you’re dealing with a controlling boyfriend. The guy hasn’t invested in himself enough and needs to be taught a lesson before he discovers what relationships are about.

It may be better if you don’t stay with a guy who doesn’t show the will and capability to improve because a guy like that is going to make you unhappy and hold you back from reaching your full potential.

Does your boyfriend get angry when you don’t do what he wants you to do? Does he display unsightly traits that make you question his capacity to make you happy now and in the long run? If you’d like to share your story, feel free to do so in the comments section below.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.