Why Is My Ex Picking Fights With Me?

Exes (dumpers and dumpees) pick fights for different reasons. Dumpees tend to argue because they can’t make their ex give them the attention and affection they crave. They want their ex to treat them with the kind of care they received before the breakup. Dumpers, on the other hand, want the opposite. They want their ex to treat them differently (more like a friend or a distant friend) and give them enough space to enjoy their new life.

Ultimately, both dumpees and dumpers fight due to unmet needs and expectations. They want or don’t want each other to act in certain ways, so they get upset and express their pain verbally or non-verbally. By expressing that they feel hurt, they hope to make each other’s feelings, wants, and needs known to each other and change disliked behavior.

By changing the things they don’t want or like about each other, they hope to deal with unpleasant feelings and live happy lives.

If your ex is picking fights with you after the breakup, this may be due to a desire for control. Your ex may want to bring a reaction out of you and see that he or she can still control your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Your reaction matters to your ex because it shows that you haven’t completely disconnected and moved on yet (stopped caring).

A part of you still feels like communicating and proving your point.

Anyway, most dumpers don’t need to see that their ex still cares about them. They don’t need validation because they’re already over their ex. Only the most immature and insecure dumpers seek validation from their dumpee ex. They do that because they consider the breakup competition and lack the ability to increase their self-love through other means.

Dumpees are usually the ones who hurt and anger dumpers. They feel invalidated by their ex and don’t know any other ways to control their ex than by inflicting pain and getting a reaction out of their ex. This reaction may be negative, but it’s a reaction nonetheless. It allows them to keep their ex engaged in a discussion of their choice. A discussion (whether it’s negative or positive) gives hurt dumpees and immature dumpers a sense of power and control.

It keeps them in charge of the conversation and helps them feel victimized and angry.

People pick fights because fights eliminate their self-doubt and make them feel right and powerful. The more they try to prove their point, the fewer negative emotions such as anxiety, pain, fear, insecurity, and self-doubt they let into their system.

So expect an unhappy ex to pick fights with you. Expect the man or woman to try to convince you that he or she is right, that you’re wrong, and that you need to think and act like him or her.

A power-hungry ex will pick fights and say and do mean things just to boost his or her huge ego and feel a sense of control. You’ll get dragged into an argument and empower your ex at your expense.

It’s quite common for exes to argue after the breakup. They have conflicting wants, needs, and beliefs, so they argue their points and accidentally hurt each other’s feelings and pride. When that happens, they get defensive and express themselves in ways they usually do. But because they’re exes, they have fewer filters and limitations than before.

They can say many things because they have nothing to lose and know they can get away with it. Dumpers have no expectations and are okay with things staying the way they are whereas dumpees feel betrayed and want to do something to see that their ex still cares about them.

So why is your ex picking fights with you?

This is because your ex feels victimized and wants to get back at you, because your ex is unhappy with your behavior, or because your ex feels invalidated and wants your attention, love, and validation. An ex who picks fights is unhappy with him/herself and wants to feel important through means of force.

No matter why your ex is picking fights with you, his or her behavior shows a lack of internal happiness. This lack of happiness may be caused by low self-esteem, depression, pain, or some other unwanted and difficult emotion. If your ex was happy internally, your ex wouldn’t be picking fights with you and making his or her problems your problems.

Your ex would be leaving you alone and focusing on other people and things. Literally anything and anyone would make your ex happier than you. Hence, you can deduce that your ex gets some form of satisfaction or emotional release from arguing with you and that this will change when he or she processes things and lets go.

Today’s article is for people who wonder why their ex is picking fights with them. We’ll explain why exes start fights and what you should do to stop them.

Why is my ex picking fights with me?

If your ex is picking fights with you seemingly for no reason, you first need to understand that your ex is unhappy. Something or someone is hurting or annoying your ex and making it hard for your ex to think, feel, and do what he or she wants. Your ex is currently reacting to pain and thinks that arguing with you will ease his or her frustration or pain.

And your ex is right. It won’t fix the problems, but it will provide temporary relief.

The main question is whether you’re doing something to instigate fights. Are you saying or doing something your ex doesn’t like, want, or expect from you? Are you contacting your ex, accusing your ex of things, guilt-tripping your ex, posting breakup things online, using your ex’s money, talking badly about your ex, or neglecting shared personal belongings?

Your ex may not be the best communicator, so you’ll probably have to figure out why your ex is picking fights with you on your own. You’ll have to see if his or her unhappiness is directly caused by you (by your behavior) or if your ex is just resentful and unable to let go of the past.

Understanding your ex’s reasons for unhappiness/anger is important because it will let you know what your ex’s issue is and allow you to plan your next steps.

So get to the bottom of your ex’s desire to argue as quickly as possible. The sooner you learn why your ex is starting fights out of nowhere, the quicker you’ll be able to avoid them and feel better.

It may be that you’re not doing anything wrong other than letting your ex mistreat you. Of course, you’re not directly asking for it, but you’re not doing anything to stop it either. You’re simply tolerating abuse and letting your ex take his or her problems and frustrations out on you. In other words, your lack of self-respect and healthy post-breakup actions and boundaries have turned you into your ex’s punching bag.

You’ve become someone your ex can hurt, get power and control from, and return to when he or she feels like it.

Emotionally underdeveloped (immature) and immoral exes tend to intentionally cause pain to their exes. They do it because they know their exes will put up with anything they throw at them and that they’ll let them feel powerful and in control. Such exes only respect people who stand up to them and say “No more. I want you to treat me with respect or stop talking to me immediately.”

They value such people because they fear they’ll lose them completely and suffer the consequences of not having their ex in their lives.

As for other exes, they argue simply because they’re unhappy and want to be left alone. They don’t want any reactions or anything power-hungry exes typically want. All they want is peace and quiet. The sooner they get their ex to stop reaching out and bothering them with problems and matters that don’t concern them, the sooner they stop picking fights with their ex.

So if your ex is picking fights because you’re reaching out or forcing your ex to do something he or she doesn’t want to do, bear in mind that you’re not listening to your ex and respecting his or her privacy and need for space. You’re doing what you want and putting your ex in an uncomfortable situation.

Your behavior is making your ex feel trapped, unheard, and/or disrespected and forcing your ex to respond in ways that protect his or her interests and feelings.

Hence, you may want to think about your behavior and how it affects your ex. Analyze the things you’re doing and discern when and how your ex negatively reacts to you. You’ll soon understand if your ex’s triggers are random (unrelated to you) or incited by you.

With that said, here’s why your ex is picking fights with you after the breakup.

Regardless of whether your ex is a dumpee or a dumper, you shouldn’t be letting your ex fight with you. You should treat the breakup as a breakup and act like an ex rather than a partner or a friend.

We’ll learn how you can act like a disinterested ex in the following chapter.

What should I do if my ex keeps picking fights with me?

You probably don’t feel very happy when your ex initiates a conflict. You likely think that your ex is unhappy with your personality and behavior and that you’re getting further away from your ex. Every argument makes you feel more distant and reduces the chances of getting back together with your ex.

Therefore, the more you argue, the worse you feel and the longer it will take you to improve and recover from heartbreak.

Your goal should be to stop arguing with your ex and avoid getting hurt. Instead of staying in touch with your ex and putting yourself in situations for fights to occur and escalate, you should stop interacting with your ex and find new hobbies and people to keep yourself busy with.

It doesn’t matter if you got dumped or did the dumping yourself. Interacting with your ex is a huge breakup mistake. Talking to your ex is bad enough, but arguing with your ex is even worse. It forces you to relive the breakup (if you’re a dumpee) and brings back resentment and disgust (if you’re a dumper). Either way, you should consider your relationship with your ex finished and avoid settling for friendship or friendship with benefits.

Most exes can’t be friends. They expect different things from each other and argue because of it. Some can be friends later, but only when they recover emotionally and want the same kind of relationship.

Things get a bit more complicated if you have kids, work, or obligations that tie you to your ex. In that case, you must talk only about things you need to talk about and keep conversations professional. Don’t talk about personal/sensitive subjects you don’t need to know about; especially if those subjects tend to cause arguments.

Exes should do indefinite no contact. If they can’t do full no contact, they should do limited no contact. That’s how they can avoid fighting and getting stressed.

To prevent your ex from picking fights with you, tell your ex you don’t want to stay in touch or that you only want to talk about important things. If it’s not important, you’d rather be left alone and focus on yourself. Don’t say you’re doing no contact, but that you need time to yourself and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready.

So do what you can to avoid fighting with your ex. Tell yourself that fights delay your healing and that you need to keep your ex away from you for everyone’s sake.

Why do you think your ex is picking fights with you? What’s in it for your ex? Comment below and let us know.

And if you want to talk to us about the reasons your ex is picking fights with you, check out our coaching programs and reach out to us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.