Why Is My Ex Angry When She Dumped Me?

I know it seems so hard to understand why an ex would be angry at you when she dumped you.

You may be on your best behavior and you may be saying everything you need to say, but your ex is still angry at you.

It’s as if she’s a different person.

She replies cold and unemphatically or she doesn’t reply at all. As a result of your ex’s peculiar behavior, you can’t help but wonder why your ex is angry, cold, bitter and different to you when she dumped you.

This article will provide you with some clarity.

1)Anger is a powerful state

There is only one thing or rather, one person that gives fuel to your ex’s anger. That person is you. As long as you are in her life, she is going to feel angry at you. The intensity of her anger, of course, depends on the emotions you evoke.

Anger consists of defensive emotions intended to defend oneself. An ex-girlfriend experiencing anger feels opposed, mistreated or hurt. She is using anger as a self-defense mechanism with which she tries to protect herself and stand firmly by her beliefs.

That’s why opposing her free will when she had made the decision to break up with you can infuriate your ex-girlfriend in mere seconds.

2)It’s about her, not you

It’s important to understand that you’re not responsible for your ex’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

If she dumped you and you can’t help but notice her anger and bitterness toward you, it’s probably for the best that you stay away from her for a while.

Any kind of reasoning, convincing or staying in her life is likely going to make things worse.

Exes that feel angry toward you, will be angry regardless of your actions. Whether it’s because of something you did or said is irrelevant to your situation.

What matters is the present moment—here and now. The fact that your ex is feeling angry toward you even though she dumped you indicates she is not in a talkative mood. She’s far from that.

Holding onto anger is your ex’s problem and you can’t help her overcome it. As a matter of fact, you can’t help anybody that doesn’t want to help himself or herself.

3)Your ex developed a negative image of you

Your ex is angry towards you because she sees you in a different light. For some reason, she was utterly convinced she needed to break up with you so she decided to pull the trigger.

Now that you are separated, she perceives you as the person she created you to be and not as a person of value and worthy of respect.

Your ex dumped you and is angry at you because she doesn’t see you as someone who can be of assistance to her, but rather as a burden. In her mind, you are your old self at your worst and not your normal/best self.

4)Your ex is an emotional wreck

Your ex appears to be angry and over you because she’s merely reacting on instinct.

Her behavior is of impulsive nature and doesn’t require any premeditation or contemplation. In other words, your ex-girlfriend is like a brain-starved zombie. Her brain signals anger and she projects it toward you.

When you ask her questions, she doesn’t want to answer and becomes cold. And when you take an interest in her life and well-being, she withdraws and responds with more distance.

Your ex-girlfriend is dancing tango with you. When you take a step forward, she takes a step backward. And if by some chance you step on her toes, you immediately feel her pain—probably for days.

5)The inability to let go of the past

Lacking the ability to let go of the past is a destroyer of many reconciliations. Many people come short when it comes to forgiving and forgetting and so does your ex when she’s angry, cold and distant.

If your ex is expressing anger and hatred, she’s clearly still upset. Her victim mentality can be blamed for that.

For your ex to let go of anger, she has to take action and use her brain for a while.

She has to examine why she’s feeling this way and discern if it’s truly healthy for her. Once she comes to the conclusion that she is indeed holding grudges, she can then begin to re-examine her behavior toward you and life in general.

A person that lacks the mental capacity to make rational decisions will never be able to let go of the past. Your ex will be stuck in breakup limbo, experiencing the same negative emotions over and over again.

For example, a sensible person being in any type of pain would eventually get curious and find the cause of his or her pain and act upon it. An angry ex-girlfriend oftentimes doesn’t.

The reason for that is because anger feels so empowering, people naturally feel inclined to blame others for the way they are feeling. So if your ex is angry when she dumped you, it’s because she lacks the emotional intelligence to help herself.

6)Your ex is stagnating or deteriorating

On the occasion that your ex’s anger isn’t subsiding, it’s because she isn’t improving as a person. It takes an open-minded person to willingly aspire to do some soul-searching.

Since your ex isn’t improving internally, it implies she’s still playing the blame game by holding on to the victim mentality.

The reason why she isn’t improving as a person is because she hasn’t been given a reason to. Angry people aren’t desperate for improvements. Depressed people are.

To put it simply, there are two ways for your ex to improve:

1. Willingly
2. Forcefully when she has no choice

Unfortunately, anger doesn’t make people want to get off their behinds and invest in themselves.

7)She is biologically wired

Everybody knows human beings are different on the outside as well as the inside. Some people are nice, others are mean.

Some are kind-hearted, others evil. Many times, a person’s characteristics are predetermined at a very young age. Your ex’s upbringing can have a lot to say about why she’s angry at you even if she dumped you.

Because your ex grew up with certain beliefs, she thinks and feels in a way that she has been taught. When she grew past the teenage years, she started using her own head and, coincidentally, reinforced her beliefs and patterns she formed a child.

Assuming your ex is an adult, she is now solely responsible for her own thoughts—which create emotions.

Your ex-girlfriend may have been raised differently and grew up with different morals and beliefs in a completely different environment.

You may not understand why she’s acting in a different way and that’s okay. Just be aware that she’s subconsciously leaning back on her fundamentals she’d acquired a long time ago as a kid.

8)She was angry all along

Breakups bring out the worst in people. If your ex’s behavior seems new to you, it’s because your ex never had a reason to show you her bad side. As long as she was in a relationship with you and cared about you, she had to have been on her best behavior.

The moment she ended her relationship with you, she no longer had to worry about what you think of her. Finally, her true colors protruded through the surface and you finally got to meet your (now) ex-girlfriend at her worst.

At the end of the relationship, you got to meet her ugly side—which is how she treats people she doesn’t care about. If we consider that people have a good and a bad side, we can safely conclude that we fall in love with people’s good side at first.

After some time as our new relationship unfolds, we are presented with the person’s bad side and either accept it or leave.

Unfortunately, most people don’t show their ugly side until they are pressed against a corner and their self-defensive instincts kick in. In such cases, anger enables people to act completely on instinct.

As a result of their new-found power, angered people become unrecognizable even to those that know them.

9)She’s angry “because she cares” misconception

It’s time we get to the bottom of this. Breakup experts and people on the internet are completely turning Elie Wiesel’s famous quote around. He says; “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

People that are feeding you this proverb in the breakup world, don’t understand the real meaning of it. What Elie Wiesel really means with his line is that when a person is in love and gets angry, she expresses emotions and therefore inadvertently shows she cares (not necessarily about you).

If you have an argument with your girlfriend and she gets angry at you for whatever reason, it’s safe to assume she cares to some degree (again at least about the reason she gets upset with).

If anger and resentment is all it took to get a person to love you, then you could go to your ex’s house right now and throw 5 dozen eggs at her house. That would surely anger her.

Here are more Elie Wiesel’s quotes.

“The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference. Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies. To be in the window and watch people being sent to concentration camps or being attacked in the street and do nothing, that’s being dead.” -Source Wikipedia.

There is a thin line between love and hate

There is indeed a thin line between love and hate and one can sometimes jump from one to another. This is way, way, way more often seen in relationships than breakups. The line separating love and hate may be thin, but rest assured that it’s diamond solid.

When someone tells you that your ex cares because she’s angry, they are giving you false hope and wrong information. I have personally worked with hundreds of clients and I can tell you that anger is not beneficial to getting back together with your ex. It’s exactly the opposite.

If your ex dumped you and she’s angrier than the Hulk, please don’t try to oppose her. As you know from the first point in this article, opposing an angry ex brings about more anger and frustration.

10)Your ex is angry because she lacks empathy and understanding of herself

A dumper that has no ability to understand herself and her emotions is missing key elements to eliminating anger.

As you may already know, others may be the cause of what you are feeling but they aren’t responsible for your long-term emotions. How you act and react is completely in your hands. The same goes for your ex.

Because your ex is furiously angry, she lacks the knowledge and willpower to ask herself some important questions. As Anthony Robbins says, “the quality of our lives is often determined by the quality of our questions.” Yes, the questions we ask ourselves is what solves our worries and anxiety.

One of the most successful ways of solving problems is to use the 5 Whys technique. If your ex ever feels the need to stop feeling angry, all she has to do is ask herself some important questions. Questions, such as; “why am I feeling this way? How can I feel better? Do I have the right to project my anger toward my ex-boyfriend?“

11)Your ex is absurdly angry because she sees her past relationship from her perspective.

As you know, there are two sides to every story. Subjectively looking upon her past relationship angers your ex even if she ended it with you.

She can’t get rid of the victim’s mentality as long as she views herself as the victim. So when she takes her side of the story and converses with her friends or family, she indeliberately completes her story.

Bystanders always first stick with the person complaining and ranting. That’s how your ex objectively completes her story and makes you look bad.

She doesn’t “need” to hear your side of the story as long as she’s convinced she’s right. And because she’s convinced she’s right, she feels angry toward you.

In her mind, she’s still on the battlefield with you, solving the issues from the past, pretending to be the victim.

What do angry exes want?

If your ex is unbelievably angry, she definitely doesn’t want you to reciprocate with anger, nor does she want you to placate her anger. You can be the mightiest being on the planet and you won’t be able to calm her down. In fact, any deliberate attempts to soothe her hatred will only result in disappointment.

Angry exes want peace and quiet. They want exactly the opposite of what you feel the most tempted to do. It’s impossible to convince your angry ex-girlfriend into your way of thinking. She is not in a receptive state for you to do so. If she’s angry, you will only make her angrier. At best (if you don’t slip up), you will stop her from getting even angrier.

Your ex is still angry with you months or years later

If your ex is angry at you for no reason or if it’s been a long time since the breakup, it’s because she can’t let go of the past and snap out of the downward spiral.

All the points in this article apply to an ex that is still angry at you months or even years after the breakup.

Hopefully, you’ve come to a realization that it’s not your fault for the way your ex feels toward you. Her mentality is simply too fragile and underdeveloped to see you in a better light. This should make you think twice about whether you should attempt to be friends or even more with this person.

What can you do if your ex is angry?

If your ex dumped you and is angry, cold or bitter toward you and you don’t know what to do, read through the 11 points again. The more times you read through, the better you will understand your ex’s post-breakup anger.

To be honest, it’s truly way more about what you don’t do, rather than what you do. I know you feel inclined to do something right here and now but that’s not how it works.

If you’re looking for direct instructions on how to placate your ex, here’s how you win the post-breakup anger battle with your ex-girlfriend.

1)Apply the indefinite no contact rule

If you expected some direct, pitiful, apologetic approach with your angry ex-girlfriend who dumped you, you’re in for a treat. Since she’s trying to protect herself from whatever danger, you will only make her happy if you remove your attention. At the moment, she’s angry at you so your only option is to run so far away from her, her anger will subside on its own.

2)Forget about changing her mind

You can’t and shouldn’t interfere with your ex’s healing. Yes, anger toward you also requires healing. Anger is your ex-girlfriend’s disease and indefinite no contact is her medicine.

There is no other way to crawl back in her heart. Slow and steady may win the race when you start your own business or when you desire a promotion but not in breakups. Creeping into her subconscious mind occurs when you are not trying to change her mind. Any direct attempts only manifest the opposite of the desired effect.

3)Don’t change her, influence her

Changing her mind directly is not going to happen. You can, however, do your best to influence her.

This means you stay away from her and let her watch from afar. The best way to knock her off her pedestal is to show her you aren’t concerned about what she does or who she spends time with. Your ex, like most exes, will probably start socializing with new people and do some new activities.

She will appear as if she has an identity crisis—pretending to be someone she’s not.

While she’s doing that, pull out your bucket list from underneath some pile of books in your attic, blow the dust off and continue from where you left before you got involved with your ex. If you don’t have a bucket list, make one and get to it immediately.

The more you show her you enjoy your life without her, the more envious she could become and the more you will actually appreciate your life on Earth. Whether she realizes your amazingness or not is a win-win situation for you.

Jealousy oftentimes brings people back together and breaks them apart as well. It’s powerful, yet short-lived. If you’re a bit lucky and play your cards right, this strong set of emotions that can change the way your ex feels about you.

Tying to change an angry ex that dumped you is likely going to hurt you and slow down your recovery. Instead of trying to change your ex, step away from that which hinders your recovery and change yourself.

If you influence your angry ex by leaving her out of the picture, she could become receptive to jealousy and envy. And if she’s really angry and out of control, it might just get you blocked. I’ve seen both happen many times. So if your ex blocks you, retrace back to the beginning of the article and read the 2nd point again.

4)Stay true to yourself

When your ex dumps you, gets angry and acts like a victim, she will subconsciously pick fights with you. She will look for a million excuses to tell you “I told you so” and make herself look even more innocent.

If you can’t avoid contact with your ex, the best advice I can give you is to do your best not to push her buttons. Avoid petty conversations and asking her the questions that will infuriate her.

Be your best self—the person you, your friends and your family would be proud of. If you’ve improved since the breakup, don’t let your ex pull you back into the abyss. An angry and bitter ex-girlfriend means trouble from the past that you shouldn’t concern yourself with in the present or the future.

Your ex will try her very best to annoy and irritate you with her anger and bitterness. Don’t lower yourself to her level by falling for her lack of patience and understanding. Instead, carry on, knowing it’s out of your control.

5)Mind over matter

Your ex left you and is now acting angry toward you because she “can’t” control her emotions. Instead of thinking about her behavior, she is instead reacting to your actions and inactions and expects you to feed her ego by validating her existence.

She expects you to lower yourself to her level so that she can run away when you have an emotional meltdown.

If your ex is angry when she dumped you and you want to fix things, know that you can’t change her perception of you through sheer force. You should also remember that fighting anger with anger creates much of the same.

Alternatively, pacifying an ex often requires a different strategy—the mind over matter approach. This means you must persevere through your ex’s anger problems and do your best not to make it worse.

In breakups, your mind is the key and your emotions are your enemy. Find a way to utilize your brain’s potential and think about your actions. In this way, you will maximize your chances and achieve the most you possible can with your angry ex.

Sun Tzu’s principle to winning a war applies to your breakup as well. You wish to win your ex over with as little trouble, effort and hurt as possible.

The easiest way to minimize damage and assure victory is to strategize your every move and follow your brain, instead of your heart. An angry ex can’t be overcome in an emotional way. If it were possible, you would have your ex back by now.

What you can do, is indirectly guide her bad at her own pace. If she takes a step toward you, you do the same. If she backs away, you reciprocate.

Although anger is a powerful state and a weakness at the same time, it can often be manipulated. Anger can’t, however, work to your advantage when you are trying to get back with an angry ex that dumped you.

6)Consistency

The last point on this list that could help your ex stop feeling angry is your consistency with yourself. Gain people’s trust by sticking to your promises and your positive attitude.

Doing one task only once doesn’t make it a part of you. It takes multiple attempts and a minimum of 66 days to crawl out of your comfort zone and form new patterns.

Nobody believes drug addicts when they say they will stop their addiction. It works the same way for you. If you say you will do something, make it clear and carry it out.

Failing to carry out a task or a promise will result in inauthenticity. And the more times you fail, the more people will lose trust in you.

I know it’s absurd to see your ex angry when you should be the angry one for being left behind. Did this article answer your question – “why is my ex angry when she dumped me?” If it did, please leave a comment below.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.