If you keep going back to an ex you perceive as toxic, there’s a perfectly good explanation for it. Your connection or attachment with your ex is so strong that you can’t permanently separate yourself from your ex and leave your ex behind. Rationally, you may want to break up for good, but because you lack the emotional strength and determination to end the relationship, you keep going back to a relationship with your ex even though it’s not good for you.
You’re essentially stuck in a loop of breaking up and getting back together. First, you experience difficulties and stress and break up. Then, you miss the ups and downs with your ex and feel nostalgic and afraid of losing your ex. And finally, you convince yourself that the relationship is worth being in and working on due to the negative emotions your ex makes you feel.
You need to remind yourself that what you’re going through is an unhealthy cycle of wanting a relationship very badly but with the wrong person. You’re not thinking logically about the negative ways in which the relationship affects you. You’re only thinking about the positive – immediate emotions your ex makes you feel when the relationship seems to have a purpose and feels fulfilling.
Because you’re prioritizing positive feelings and hoping that they last, you get super disappointed when you encounter a problem you lack the tools and willpower to resolve. Unwanted emotions quickly surge through your system and urge you to abandon the relationship. You’ve broken up before, so it’s not very difficult for you to break up again when you feel unheard and disrespected.
So if you want to know why you keep going back to your toxic ex, you return because you feel strongly about your ex and think your ex is someone you need to be happy. You’re attached to your ex and feel scared, lonely, or confused when your ex is not around. Emotional and physical distance from your ex makes you question your worth and direction in life and urges you to cling to your ex for support, self-love, and purpose.
Because you’re emotionally dependent on your ex, you end up going back to your ex every time. You do it even though nothing has changed and will change. Your relationship will remain the same communication and maturity-wise and will soon experience another breakup. It’s inevitable because raising relationship standards after breaking up multiple times is something most couples struggle with.
Most couples struggle to identify and correct their unhealthy patterns, so they usually keep breaking up until one of their breakups is the final one.
Anyway, you keep going back to someone who isn’t good for you because of everything you went through with that person. You experienced a lot of issues and trauma, which made you trauma bond. Now you struggle to disconnect emotionally and feel complete on your own. You constantly feel like a big part of you is missing and that you can find it only with the help of your ex.
This is, of course, not true. Your ex isn’t the key to your success. He or she is the reason you’re unhappy. Every time you reconnect with your ex, you get drawn into an old cycle and allow yourself to become attached again. The more attached you get, the more you lose yourself in the relationship with your ex.
It’s worth mentioning that your ex isn’t entirely to blame for the situation you’re in. Your ex may have unhealthy tendencies, but you’re just as responsible for going back and allowing the relationship to continue. You’re well aware that you had many chances to break free from your ex, but chose to go back every time.
There may be a reason for that. Exes who keep going back to an unhealthy ex-partner often have unresolved childhood trauma such as abandonment issues, insecure attachment styles, fear of being alone, and poor self-esteem. They want to be with their “toxic” ex because he or she reminds them of a better past and makes them crave recognition.
You need to figure out why you gravitate toward your ex. Is it your ex’s negative but addicting behavior that makes you value your ex or does it have something to do with your upbringing or experiences in your adult life? There’s a reason why you keep going back to your ex. The sooner you discover that reason, the sooner you can work on yourself and break free from your ex.
You could also sign up for therapy together with your ex and try to become a healthy couple, but if you broke up many times, you probably damaged the relationship beyond the point of repair. Multiple breakups tend to destroy trust and respect in the relationship. Especially if they were initiated because of cheating, lying, stealing, and physical or emotional abuse.
In such cases, working on the relationship may be futile. It may be better to end the highly emotional relationship, heal your wounds, and eventually (when ready), start fresh with someone new. Forcing a relationship that’s clearly not working isn’t smart. It’s disrespectful to yourself, particularly your self-esteem, health, and well-being.
If you want what’s best for you, you must end your unhealthy relationship and reflect on it. Think about the reasons it was unhealthy and why you went back to it so many times. When you give it some thought and detach, you may realize that you invested heavily into the relationship and were scared of counting your losses. You didn’t want to throw away months or years of a relationship after you went all-in and expected a positive return on investment.
All relationships are investments. But people who over-invest and get overly attached (especially for the wrong reasons) suffer the most and make the most mistakes. They keep going back to exes who used or abused them solely because such exes made them feel the strongest emotions. We could some people make highly emotional decisions and neglect themselves in the process.
You must understand that emotions aren’t a reliable guide when it comes to breakups and reconciliations. Emotions merely tell you that your ex is important to you. You must figure out why your ex plays such an important role in your life and why you should do something about it.
Your ex probably won’t reveal any secrets. He or she likely has attachment issues of his or her own to deal with. Whether you’re currently a couple or an ex-couple, remember that you’re both responsible for your own thoughts and feelings. You must figure out why you overinvested in your ex and what a healthy relationship looks like.
When you understand this, you may become emotionally stronger and capable of standing up for yourself when the relationship enters unhealthy territory.
In today’s post, we talk about why you keep going back to your toxic ex. We also share some tips on how to leave for good.
Why do I keep going back to my toxic ex?
If you keep going back to the same person despite that person being mean, rude, and unfit for a relationship, it says more about you than it does about your ex. Your decisions show that you have strong feelings for your ex and crave your ex’s love and recognition. You find your ex irresistible and wish that the relationship would magically improve.
Unfortunately, people don’t change out of nowhere. They change when they understand how their behavior affects them and others and badly wish to change for the better. Usually, they develop an incentive to change when they lose or are about to lose something important to them.
Your ex experienced a feeling of loss when the breakup(s) happened. Despite that, he or she didn’t care enough to change. Your ex handled the breakups passively and likely blamed you for all the relationship problems. That’s why the relationship stayed the same no matter how many times you went back to it. You couldn’t change its course merely by wanting to be in a successful relationship.
A relationship has the potential to become successful when both parties value each other and possess the skills to maintain it. That’s when they can communicate their differences and needs in such a way that they grow as a couple.
So if you wonder why you keep going back to a toxic ex, remember that you do that because you’re missing something – some kind of feeling or benefit. You’re not used to how your life feels without your ex, so you go back to re-experience the feeling of comfort and familiarity. Your ex basically provides an artificial feeling of safety, making you go back whenever you feel unsafe and unfulfilled.
This is especially true if you’re codependent on your ex. If your ex takes care of you physically, financially, or emotionally, you feel lost without your ex and think you need your ex to be happy. It’s the lack of independence that prevents you from moving on from your ex and looking for happiness within. You lack faith in yourself, so you attach to your ex and hope that your ex will indirectly convince you that you matter.
Needless to say, a relationship shouldn’t be your sole reason for existing. It should merely unlock new possibilities and make your life more interesting. If you feel that you need your ex or some other person to live your life successfully, you shouldn’t be dating. You should be doing your best to figure out why you rely on others for basic human needs.
It doesn’t matter if your ex apologizes and convinces you to come back. Ultimately, you’re the one who decides to forgive and forget and give a toxic ex another chance. No one’s forcing you to go back to someone who will hurt you. It’s your beliefs that let you ignore the past and be naive. Your ex has nothing to do with who you are and what you do.
So don’t blame your ex for the decisions you make. Blame yourself for thinking your ex has changed and hoping your next relationship will be better. You’re in charge of your life and must take responsibility for your emotional decisions. Taking responsibility will help you avoid blaming your ex for drawing you back in and reaching the same conclusion.
It will allow you to acknowledge your mistakes and work on them.
If you’re an anxious person, you likely gravitate toward controlling people who appear decisive and strong. You want to be around someone you can lean on emotionally, at least when your problems are unrelated to the relationship. When they are related, you feel abandoned, manipulated, and worthless.
Manipulative people often target those they perceive as weak and vulnerable. They’re able to be themselves around them and get what they’re after. Consider this possibility if you have a meek and agreeable personality.
With that said, here’s why you keep going back to your toxic ex.
How to leave an unhealthy relationship?
Leaving an unhealthy relationship is harder than it seems. People may judge you for not simply walking away, but try not to let it bother you. Others don’t understand your relationship, nor feel how you feel. They don’t know that leaving an unhealthy relationship can be difficult due to deep emotional, psychological, and biological factors that keep you attached to your ex and scared of disconnecting.
To leave, you must not only be brave but also willing to undergo emotional withdrawal. You must be prepared for the consequences of breaking up with someone you have a close (although unhealthy) bond with. When you leave, you’ll likely question your decision, feel guilty, and miss your ex. You’ll remember mainly the good times and wonder if you’re capable of moving on and being happy without your ex.
Your brain will work overtime and crave the happy hormones your ex provided by staying with you.
Despite that, you mustn’t cave in and go back to your ex. You must remember that your ex’s personality and maturity need work and that you won’t have a successful and happy relationship. It’s extremely unlikely that your ex will one day wake up and decide to invest in him/herself and the relationship. Your ex will most likely encounter the same issues and respond similarly to them.
If you want to leave an unhealthy partner, you must recognize the toxic cycle and remind yourself that leaving will help you free yourself. It won’t solve all your problems, but it will help you regain control of your life and feel respected as a person. You must understand that you deserve better treatment from a romantic partner and that you’ll never be happy unless you set some healthy personal boundaries.
No person should be allowed to treat you badly and get to keep you in his or her life. If a person gets another chance with you, he or she will see that you don’t respect yourself and that he or she can mistreat you again. Abuse won’t stop until you pull away and demonstrate high self-esteem and self-respect.
I encourage you to confide in family and friends. They should immediately understand the danger you’re in and encourage you to keep your distance from your ex. You can also sign up for therapy for extra emotional support and help with understanding yourself and your decisions. A professional may help answer some of your questions regarding your attachment to your ex.
Leaving won’t be easy because of withdrawal symptoms and temptations to talk to your ex and get back with him or her. But no matter how badly you want to talk and bond with your ex, remember that you feel the need to be close to your ex because of an unhealthy attachment. This is something you must work on and get rid of, not act on.
Breakups are difficult, but that doesn’t excuse you to reach out whenever you’re struggling. If your ex sees that you’re having a hard time keeping your distance, he or she might woo you back and reset your whole detachment process.
So cut your ex off and avoid talking to your ex. Do this by reminding yourself that you’ve endured a lot and that the relationship must end for good. This is the time for you t prioritize your safety and well-being. You must stay strong in your resolve and deal with the temptation to fall back into the familiar. No matter how hurt you are and how sorry your ex is, you must love yourself enough not to go back.
Consider it a test of self-love. If you truly love yourself and value your time and emotions, you won’t go back to someone who pushed you away multiple times. You’ll instead cut your ex out of your life and allow yourself to heal and meet healthier individuals.
Do you wonder why you keep going back to an ex who was toxic to you? What’s your excuse for giving your ex so many chances? Share your story below.
However, if you need help understanding your reasons for going back to a toxic ex, get in touch with us. We’ll explain where your impulses to be with your ex come from and encourage you to stay away.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
