Why Do Couples Break Up After 10 Years?

Couples don’t break up after 10 years because they’re fundamentally different (incompatible). If they were incompatible, they wouldn’t have stayed together for a decade. Everyone knows they would have broken up way sooner.

Probably the moment they realized the relationship wasted their time and drained more energy and happiness than they got out of it.

The reason couples break up after 10 years is due to a lack of relationship progress, bonding, and ability to deal with relationship and personal problems. They break up because they stop working on themselves and valuing each other.

They just passively wait for their relationship to take them in any direction the wind takes them.

As a result, they encounter bigger problems than they can handle and due to negative experiences and thoughts entertain the idea of being single or with someone else. Such thoughts cause doubts and put them in a precarious situation.

One that makes them grow emotionally distant and causes them to break up when they emotionally and rationally convince themselves they’re unhappy and that they have nothing to lose by breaking up.

That’s when the relationship unofficially ends and waits for an argument, unrealistic expectation, or new romantic opportunity to break it officially. 

Ex-couples like to justify the breakup by saying things like:

• We weren’t right for each other
• We grew apart
• We weren’t compatible

They don’t take a closer look at the reasons why they grew apart and broke up after 10 years of being together. Why were 9+ years working for them and why the last year or months weren’t?

Dumpers feel smothered and lack the energy and willpower to analyze the breakup, so they often make superficial justifications that have nothing to do with the breakup.

It’s as if they’re afraid of asking themselves “Why did we break up and could I have done anything better?” Instead of reflecting and examining their mental and emotional processes, they like to point fingers and say, “My ex was like this and didn’t do that. He/she hurt me and didn’t care about me and how I felt.”

Although they’re usually somewhat right, they refuse to look for the answers they actually need. The answers that motivate them to evolve and perhaps even allow them to get back together.

Sadly, they often can’t get back together because they can’t stop playing the blame game and realize how they contributed to the breakup and how they could have prevented it.

Many dumpers feel victimized and hold their ex responsible for relationship and even personal problems. Sometimes they even remember small problems from years ago and point them out to their ex. They do this to further justify their decision and behavior and not feel bad for hurting their ex and complicating his or her life.

Their post-breakup behavior itself often reveals the reason why they broke up after 10 years of being together. Dumpees just have to observe their ex’s attitude toward them and they can normally tell that their ex became resentful and wasn’t able or willing to overcome difficult emotions.

Due to months or years of unprocessed pain and other challenging emotions, their ex caved under stress and developed defense mechanisms (anger, resentment, contempt) that pushed the dumpee away and kept him or her away for self-protection purposes.

So if you want to know why couples break up after 10 years, know that the answer is very straightforward. They take each other for granted and fail to stay aware of what’s happening to them on the subconscious level.

A lack of understanding of their thoughts and emotions and a lack of effort make them fall out of love and prevent them from fixing problems before they snowball into unresolvable issues.

When they become unresolvable, they feel resentful, depressed, or convinced they’re not a good match and that they could be happier on their own. They know the breakup would instantly make them stop investing time and energy in their ex and allow them to focus on their own wants and needs.

Self-prioritization would help them achieve two things.

1. Avoid unhappiness and pain.
2. Make them happy and free and give them a sense of control.

Therefore, breakups happen because breakups allow couples to avoid dealing with neglected problems and instantly empower them with relief, happiness, and emotions they’ve been craving for months. If they’ve been craving validation from someone else, the breakup essentially hits two birds with one stone.

It helps them get rid of the dead weight (their ex) and replaces it with positive feelings caused by someone else. That explains why exes (dumpers) feel happier than ever and act like they’re on top of the world.

The difference in happiness is like night and day. It’s immeasurable because they feel better than they’ve felt in years (probably since they first fell in love).

In this post, we shed some light on why couples break up after 10 years. We also discuss what you can do to avoid breaking up when you’ve been with someone for many years.

Why do couples break up after 10 years?

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason why couples break up after 10 years because every relationship is different. Some couples project their stressors from work onto each other and fall out of love because of arguing whereas others break up due to jealousy, poor impulse control, grief, self-neglect, and depression.

All couples have problems as there’s no perfect relationship. But only those couples who identify their problems, resolve them, and learn from them stay together. Such couples are self-aware and are constantly on the lookout for difficulties. They don’t think of problems as dealbreakers but as petty inconveniences.

They have a healthy relationship mentality that consists of healthy beliefs, perceptions, relationship knowledge/experience, and behaviors. Problems, both personal and relationship-caused don’t faze them because they’re convinced they accept and love their partner and that they must continue viewing him or her as the second most important person in the world.

The first person must be them because if they don’t put themselves first, there’s a chance they’ll neglect themselves and overinvest in their partner. This can cause self-esteem problems and a power imbalance, which can lead to a loss of interest and feelings.

It takes a mature person not to abuse power and fall out of love when one is struggling to love oneself. It requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and willpower to stay committed when your partner needs you more than you need him/her.

That’s why so many people leave their depressed partners. They think their partner is draining them emotionally and killing their happiness. Instead of helping their partner when their partner needs help the most, they then distance themselves from him or her and do things that make them happy.

That makes them lose feelings incredibly fast and tempts them to reject their partner. Depression is a serious/common mental health problem and can happen to any couple; even to couples who’ve been together for 10 years.

If couples don’t have the right relationship mentality, they may leave their depressed partner or leave themselves if they’re depressed.

Depressed people, especially those with an avoidant attachment style often deal with depression and stress in unhealthy ways. Some ask for space and others become inexpressive or even abusive. Unhealthy tendencies that don’t belong in a relationship make them more distant and force them to lose feelings and sight of what’s important.

As a result, they abandon the relationship to focus solely on themselves. 

Moreover, some couples break up after 10 years because they get an opportunity to be with someone else and don’t know how to deal with it. They develop a crush on some random person they know nothing about and feel excited to talk to him or her.

Excitement soon turns into validation and grows to the point where they emotionally and/or physically cheat.

Cheating and monkey-branching are some of the more common reasons couples break up after years of being in a relationship. Due to a lack of moral values, self-awareness, and self-control, they fall into temptation and fail to distance themselves from their crush before they fall out of love with their partner and in love with the new person.

Such people are prepared to throw away decades of commitment for a chance at fulfilling their sexual and/or emotional needs. Instant gratifications mean more to them than long-term relationships because they don’t understand why they feel stronger emotions for the new person.

Most of the time, they don’t even want to know and just want to feel desired.

They may think about it later when the infatuation phase ends and makes them encounter problems and take their rose-tinted glasses off. That’s when some people start feeling bad and may reach out to their ex to assuage their guilt.

So know that couples break up after 10 years, just like in any other stage of a relationship, for many different reasons. Their reasons vary, depending on their shortcomings, personalities, maturity, unresolved personal/and relationship problems, and life situations.

If they’re going through life transitions such as changing jobs or moving places, they can get overwhelmed with external stressors and react to them in ways they’ve programmed themselves to react to stressors. For undeveloped people, this tends to be in unhealthy, relationship-damaging ways. 

Those who aren’t prepared for changes because they expect life to be sunshine and lollipops usually get hit the hardest and abandon their post as soon as running away becomes an option. Such people see no reason to stay committed as they don’t appreciate their partner and lack the desire to put in the effort.

Having said that, here’s why couples break up after 10 years.

All couples get used to each other and fall into a routine after a while, but repetitiveness doesn’t make couples bored of each other and force them to detach.

It’s their lack of commitment and healthy thoughts that do that. Unhealthy thoughts not only change the way they think about each other but also change their emotions and feelings.

The worse their thoughts and feelings are, the longer this goes on, and the less developed they are, the bigger the chance that they’ll discard their relationship when negativity builds up and overwhelms them.

There’s no guarantee that they’ll break up because some couples stay together (unhappily married) for years or decades. But the risk of breaking up is significantly higher when someone doesn’t feel loved and cared for.

That’s why couples must continuously work on themselves and their relationship mentality. It’s the only way they can keep loving themselves and seeing their partner’s importance.

How to avoid breaking up after 10 years or longer?

To avoid breaking up after 10 years, you and your partner must understand what a relationship is and what it requires. You must both know that it’s a verbal commitment full of responsibilities and that giving up on it under healthy circumstances is not an option.

I say “healthy circumstances” because you should never stay in a relationship that is abusive, one-sided, or existent only on paper. A relationship requires mutual emotional investment. Without it, a relationship can’t succeed or be the way you want it to be.

If you talk to your partner just when you need something from him or her, for example, that’s not a relationship. It’s a friendship; and a bad one too.

You both need to give it your best at all times. If you can’t give your best because you’re stressed, tired, or irritated, you must let your partner know that. “Say that you’re having a bad day but that you’ll be back to your regular self in 30 minutes or as soon as you process things.

Your partner will understand and be patient, provided he or she has sufficient EQ (emotional intelligence).

So not only can you not give up when issues occur, but you must also constantly work on the relationship by strengthening the bond. How you do that is up to you, but a good way to start is to work on yourself, ask your partner questions (show interest in his/her life), and improve communication (the way you express yourself).

Most breakups occur because of poor communication and misunderstandings. As for misunderstandings, they occur because couples take things personally and react emotionally. To not react emotionally (impulsively), two things are needed.

1. Self-awareness.
2. Self-control.

Once you’re able to detect your triggers, you must develop a way to resist them. You can do that by reminding yourself why it’s important to gain control of your thoughts and feelings and what will or could happen if you don’t.

Staying aware of your need to grow and the consequences that will ensue if you fail will help you master your mind and communicate better when difficulties occur.

You can also improve the connection you have with your partner of 10 years by frequently expressing your gratitude and feelings. Don’t tell your partner how much you love him or her every minute because that could become tiring, but do say it often.

Doing so will ensure your bond is strong and that it’s resistant to doubts, fears, stressors, and temptations.

Of course, just telling your partner how important he or she is to you may not be enough (unless you’re in a long-distance relationship). Make sure to also plan dates, send each other gifts, and most importantly, make time for each other.

Remind each other what you love about each other and devise some relationship goals. This can be anything from getting married, having kids, buying a house, traveling, and having a good time together.

The way to be happy in a relationship or life is to plan things you enjoy and work toward them. Goals (even if they’re just in your mind and never come to fruition) give your relationship purpose and make you feel close.

A lack of mutual goals or direction, on the other hand, takes the point of the relationship away and poses a risk for the relationship.

So talk to your partner about some of the things you want to achieve together as doing so will show him or her you’re still deeply in love after all these years and that you don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.

Make sure to also work on creating a good relationship-personal life balance. If you just focus on your partner and have no purpose outside of the relationship, you’ll probably become dependent on your relationship. You’ll overinvest emotionally as well as in other ways and risk suffocating your partner.

Love requires both affection and a sufficient amount of space and self-prioritization. If you dedicate your whole life to your partner, you’ll expect your partner to do the same, overwhelm your partner, and put him or her in a position of authority.

This means your partner will decide how you feel and may lose the drive to invest in you. Why would your partner invest when you’re doing all the work and giving the relationship no space to breathe?

It’s important to note that not all long-term relationships end after a decade. Many couples successfully navigate the challenges mentioned in this article and continue to grow and evolve together.

However, when couples do decide to break up, it’s often the result of a combination of factors that have built up over time and led them to conclude that their relationship is no longer fulfilling and sustainable.

Do you agree with the topics discussed in this article? Why do you think couples break up after 10 years? Let us know below the post.

And if you’d like to discuss this topic further with us, sign up for coaching on this page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.