Does it seem like your ex has changed for his new girlfriend—and you can’t figure out why? Before you assume he’s a completely new person, consider the possibility that he’s just pretending to be a changed/different person. He’s in love (infatuated with this person), so he likely wants to impress her by portraying himself as an attractive, reliable, and relationship-worthy individual.
Everything is new and perfect, so your ex doesn’t have to try very hard. He’s on his best behavior because he’s still getting to know his girlfriend and establishing routines and boundaries. Things will change (revert to how they were when you were with your ex) when they stop feeling elated and encounter personal problems and disagreements.
That’s when your ex will stop pretending to be someone he’s not and show that he’s not a changed person. It’s impossible for him to change merely by changing partners. Relationship dynamics may be different, but that’s not enough for him to change his mentality and behavior.
People change when they admit their wrongdoings. And usually, they admit them when they suffer immensely and have no choice but to do things differently. It’s unlikely that your ex learned his lessons by dumping you and finding someone new to date. Dumpers don’t grow from the breakup. They may want to become a better/different partner, but that doesn’t change their personality and maturity.
Due to an overwhelming amount of power and newfound freedom, they first feel angry/victimized and then relieved. These emotions prevent them from engaging in reflection and changing for themselves or others. They’re tired of investing in someone who doesn’t make them feel fulfilled, so the last thing on their mind is to work on themselves and change for the better.
They’d rather blame their ex for the destruction of the relationship than take accountability and make some healthy changes. Unlike dumpees who blame themselves and want to change, they’re emotionally detached and ready for a new relationship right away. They want the best for themselves, so they often find someone new very quickly. The new person empowers them and makes them eager to invest emotionally.
To others, it looks like they treat their new partner better and that they’ve changed for the better, but the truth is they’re no better or different than they were when they were with their ex. The only difference is that they weren’t happy with their ex at the end of the relationship and that the new person makes them feel validated and excited.
Due to another romantic interest, they look happier than when they were with their ex. The relationship with their ex lost its spark and purpose, so, of course, they’re happier with someone else. It’d be strange for them to leave their ex and enter a relationship with someone they don’t even click with.
Sometimes that happens, but usually, they stop feeling attracted weeks or months into the relationship when they see what the relationship is like and refuse to adapt and compromise. That’s when they start bringing the worst out of each other and lose the will to resolve problems.
I speak from my own experience. When I left my ex and found someone new, I didn’t think about all the mistakes I made and how I could do better. I thought about my ex’s flaws and shortcomings and the reasons I overstayed in the relationship. I felt happy I left, so I changed nothing about myself.
I changed the most when I got dumped because the breakup crushed my self-esteem and forced me to work on improving myself and reattracting my ex. When I got over my ex, I was finally able to work on myself for my own sake, rather than to be with my ex.
But yes, people feel hopeful when they meet someone else. They want to do things differently with their new partner and reach their romantic goals. But despite trying new things and appearing happy, they stay who they are and face similar issues in the near future.
At the moment, your ex and his new partner are going through the love stage of the new relationship and appear perfect together. They’re trying their best to communicate and resolve misunderstandings. Don’t expect them to deal with the kind of issues you dealt with months or years into the relationship. If it took your ex months to reveal his true colors to you, give your ex months to reveal them to his new partner.
When your ex reveals his true self, expect your ex’s level of maturity to be no different from when your ex left you.
So don’t think that your ex changed for his new girlfriend and that they’ll have a happy ever after story. At the moment, he merely acts on his happy hormones and likes where his life is heading. He won’t feel so confident and carefree when the relationship encounters challenges and gives him lemons.
New relationships require practically zero effort. New couples appear to have no flaws and may even appear to have changed because they’re willing to compromise, communicate, and get along. They essentially hide their true personalities and shortcomings behind a facade, creating the impression that they’ve learned their breakup lessons.
Unfortunately for them, life doesn’t reward monkey-branching, laziness, or a victim mentality. When people move on quickly, they carry their shortcomings into their new relationships and experience problems sooner rather than later. They may act differently and seem happy, but it’s usually short-lived. Personal problems eventually catch up to them and force them to face their issues.
Always remember that your ex may want to do things differently with his new partner, but that it doesn’t automatically make him a better version of himself. Your ex merely feels excited and desired and wants to do his best to keep feeling good.
In today’s post, we discuss why your ex seems to have changed for his new girlfriend and why his change and happiness won’t last long.
Why did my ex change for his new girlfriend?
First of all, your ex didn’t change for anyone. Your ex may be listening to his partner, investing in her, and avoiding conflict, but he certainly didn’t turn into someone different for or because of her. She can’t change his personality and improve his relationship skills just by making him happy. Especially not if they just met.
Their new relationship seems different than how yours was, but that’s because his partner is different (she’s not you).
She likes, needs, and expects different things from the relationship and does things differently. That doesn’t mean your ex has changed, but that their dynamics are different from what you’re used to. You shouldn’t expect them to function the same way your relationship did. If you expect them to function the same and progress at the same speed your relationship progressed, you’ll feel confused or perhaps even worthless.
Your self-esteem will take a nosedive because of unrealistic expectations and unhealthy breakup behaviors. As an ex, you shouldn’t know what your ex’s relationship is like and whether your ex has changed. You shouldn’t learn anything new about your ex and his new relationship. To be honest, you shouldn’t have even learned that your ex is dating again.
Because you did, you’re stuck thinking about things that give you anxiety and add no value to your life whatsoever. You’re obsessing over your ex’s new relationship when you should be thinking about detachment, healing, self-improvement, and getting the most out of life.
Since you’ve seen or heard that your ex is doing things differently, you probably can’t stop wondering why your ex changed for his new girlfriend. You want to know what makes his girlfriend so special that he changed his beliefs, habits, or hobbies for her. What you must understand is that he didn’t change permanently, nor change for her.
He’s merely doing things a bit differently to appear more open-minded, flexible, and easy to get along with. He knows that his short-term happiness depends on his ability to earn his girlfriend’s trust and recognition. That’s why he pays more attention to his girlfriend’s wants and needs and tries to keep her interested and invested.
I’ve seen many dumpers give up their vices and unhealthy habits at the start of a new relationship. They did that not because it was good for them but because they wanted to make the best impression on the person they were seeing. They wanted to reduce the chance of getting dumped and feeling rejected and hurt.
Unfortunately for them, they didn’t change forever. Their vices came back when they got comfortable in the relationship and stopped feeling the need to impress their ex.
Some of the bad vices, traits, and habits they gave up were:
- smoking and drinking
- drugs
- bad eating habits
- laziness
- impatience
- pride
- closed-mindedness
Some dumpers also did things they previously said they would never do. They visited new places, tried new food, learned new things, dated someone completely different, and got engaged or married. They did a complete 180 and became unpredictable and hard to understand and trust.
If your ex appears different, you’ve got to understand that your ex merely appears that way. He hasn’t actually put in the effort that would allow him to change. I can say this with confidence because dumpers don’t change because of the breakup. Most of them think, “I won’t tolerate unhealthy behavior and be with someone I’m not happy with ever again” and as a result, refuse to adjust to new people.
They stubbornly refuse to change because they don’t want to be controlled and forced to change.
So bear in mind that your ex has changed only temporarily. He appears different because he’s on cloud 9 and has nothing to worry and stress about. The relationship empowers your ex so much he appears like a different person. Again, your ex only appears different. He hasn’t actually done the work to grow and change.
Change happens when a person identifies his flaws and commits to improving them. The only thing your ex may have changed is how your ex spends his free time. But I wouldn’t call that change. I’d call it a temporary change of habits and interests. You can change in that way too by making some new friends and keeping busy, but it won’t change you into a different/better person.
With that said, the following infographic explains why your ex changed for his new girlfriend.
What if it’s your dumpee ex who’s changed for his new girlfriend?
If your ex is a dumpee, change comes naturally to him. He likely suffered immensely from the breakup and had no choice but to reflect and invest in parts of his life that needed investing. Dumpees tend to experience a complete loss of self-confidence, lower their egos, and actually want to change. They hope that their improvements will change their ex’s mind about the breakup and encourage their ex to want them back.
Sometimes they do change their ex’s mind, but it usually happens when dumpers tell their ex they want to be in a relationship but that they first want him to change certain parts of his life. Such dumpers still love their ex and want their ex to give them something to work with.
If your ex has changed after you left him, you should be happy for your ex. He’s proven that he’s capable of learning from his mistakes and growing from them. He didn’t change because he’s happier without you but quite the opposite; because he is or was unhappy. Unhappiness forced him to invest in himself and allowed him to become the person he is today.
He’s changed because the rejection told him he wasn’t good enough and that he needed to grow if he wanted to be with you or with someone else.
Dumpees tend to make some healthy changes after getting broken up. How much they change usually depends on how hurt they feel and how motivated they are to do better. If they love their ex to bits and want another chance with their ex, they read a lot of self-help books and focus on self-improvement. They want their ex to notice their improvements and take them back.
But if they don’t need their ex’s love and validation and don’t blame themselves, then they usually don’t change that much. Like dumpers who don’t regret a thing, they cut their losses and move on to someone else.
If you left your ex, directly or indirectly told him he wasn’t good enough for you, and triggered his insecurities, he may have become stronger and better prepared for his new relationship. Your criticism may have forced him to acknowledge his mistakes and flaws and treat his new girlfriend better.
That or his new girlfriend encouraged or forced him to change. Either way, he’s responsible for maintaining his relationship, so let him maintain it in any way he wants. Focus on your own growth and change instead of your ex’s.
Why do you think your ex changed for his new girlfriend? Do you think his growth is permanent? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.
And if you want to discuss your ex’s changes with a breakup expert, sign up for 1-on-1 coaching. We’ve helped hundreds of dumpees and dumpers find their answers and gain closure.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
