Why Am I So Desperate For Someone To Love Me?

Are you desperate for someone to love you and you don’t know why?

Before you brand yourself as a person who’s desperate for love, you need to ask yourself if you’re desperate for love or merely eager to be loved. Most people want love. Some want it more than others, but love is a healthy, normal, and pleasant emotion to experience.

Love allows people to merge their lives with someone they like and enables them to progress further in life. Whether the next stage of their life is having children, buying a house, or exploring the world, many people prefer to do and achieve things with their favorite person – their significant other.

Love motivates them to reach their goals quicker and most importantly, with passion.

Without a partner to share their happiness, passion, hobbies, and goals with, many people feel bored and incomplete as human beings. They feel they aren’t getting enough out of life or that they aren’t getting it in ways they want to.

Some also think that others are happier than them and that they need to catch up to them.

Of course, envy and jealousy aren’t sensible reasons for wanting to be in a relationship, but in this social media society, it’s hard not to get brainwashed into wanting what friends and relatives have. The fun and interesting relationships we see online constantly remind us others are happier than us and that we should also be in a relationship so we can be happy.

Such beliefs give us anxiety, pressure us, affect our self-esteem, and make us want that which we don’t have. They basically tell us that single life is boring and that relationships are something we badly need to feel accepted by society.

The undeniable truth is that most people want someone to invest in and be invested by. We don’t want to travel, dine at restaurants, go to concerts, dance, or do repetitive chores such as cooking and cleaning completely alone. Whether we’re people pleasers or just want someone to love us, we want to feel that someone appreciates us and that we belong in this world.

That doesn’t mean we can’t handle life unaided, but that we’d rather experience it with a person whose company we enjoy. Life is not only easier in two but also much more exciting. Two people keep each other entertained, busy, and emotionally fulfilled whereas one person has to keep himself or herself busy.

Some people won’t admit this, but everyone wants to be entertained. By keeping ourselves occupied, we add purpose to our lives and feel accomplished at the end of the day.

Again, this doesn’t mean that being single is a weakness and that we shouldn’t be single, have fun, and accomplish things without the commitment and support of a romantic partner. Sometimes we need to be single to discover who we are and what we want from life.

Single life teaches us that we can safely rely on ourselves and do things that give meaning to our existence.

But despite that, most people prefer to do everyday things with their partner. Even introverts can’t say no to good company. In fact, they often appreciate 1-on-1 time much more than having no one to talk to and spend time with.

Loneliness isn’t fun. It’s one of the leading causes of depression, lack of sleep, and increased stress.

No matter how you look at it, people are meant to spend time with one another. We don’t necessarily need to be in a romantic relationship just to have someone to talk to, but friendships don’t fulfill us the way love does. Friendships merely satisfy the social aspect of our life.

We still have desires to give and receive love.

How badly we feel the need to be loved depends on many things, starting with our childhood as that’s when we normally develop an attachment style and cravings for love.

If parents give us a sufficient amount of attention and love, we tend to feel secure within ourselves as we don’t depend on others for love that much.

If parents don’t give us enough love, we often develop an avoidant attachment style. An avoidant attachment style prevents us from valuing and seeking deep emotional bonds. It makes us want to keep some emotional distance from our partners.

And if parents are very strict and make us anxious, we tend to develop an anxious attachment style. This style makes us want to prove ourselves to our parents at first and later to our partners as well. We basically chase appreciation, praise, and a feeling that we’re needed and important.

Attachment styles can also change in our adult lives. For example, if someone cheats on us, we can turn into an anxious or anxious-avoidant person who fears commitments. It’s in our best interest to stay aware of our thoughts and emotional processes and work on ourselves at all times.

So if you’re desperate for someone to love you, figure out your attachment style. After that, visualize going back in time and identify the trigger or triggers that made you so hungry for love. If you think back, you should learn that certain events made you want to be with someone who loves you.

If you just want to find love, please remember that there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a problem only when a craving for love comes from a place of anxiety, depression, unhappiness, financial stress, loneliness, laziness, or insecurity.

That’s when you begin to look for a person not just to add value to your life, but to fix your problems for you.

If you’re lonely, you need to make some friends and remember that your partner shouldn’t be your only friend. If you’re in debt, you should get out of debt and avoid making your partner take on financial burdens with/for you.

And if you feel insecure (let’s say you’re overweight), you shouldn’t look for acceptance from another person but rather try to lose weight and/or look for acceptance within yourself.

If you want someone to help you deal with your issues by loving you (accepting you), this isn’t the solution to your problems. You should first improve the necessary parts of your life and then bring another person into the picture. If it’s the other way around, chances are your partner will feel overburdened and unhappy.

And what do unhappy people do? They get into arguments and break up if things don’t change quickly.

So start by figuring out whether you’re desperate for love and where your desperation for love originates from. When you know that bit, you can devise a plan and take the necessary steps to improve the things you need to improve.

In this post, we answer the question, “Why am I so desperate to find someone to love me?” We go into detail about love and give you some useful tips on how to tackle this issue.

Why am I so desperate for someone to love me?

If you’re certain you’re desperate for someone to love you but you don’t know why you’re desperate, the good thing about it is that you’ve become aware of it. Many people don’t realize they’re desperately chasing love because it’s something they always did.

They always had this insatiable hunger for recognition and attention and didn’t stop to give it much thought. They didn’t feel they needed to because it made perfect sense to follow their instincts. Sadly, instincts (or fixed patterns of behavior) aren’t always reliable.

Sometimes they’re right, but most of the time, they get us in trouble. If we don’t become aware of our instincts and control our emotions, we could do something we’re not supposed to. Something like chasing an ex or desperately wanting someone new to love us.

Such desires are likely to give us bad results as confident people don’t find desperation attractive. They find it exhausting, weak, and pitiable—and stay away from people who display it. For the most part, those who lack self-confidence perceive a desperate person as an equal and attract or stay with such a person.

They feel they finally got a chance at love, so they add their own insecurities and problems to the relationship and double the trouble. That’s how they commit to a relationship that needs twice the amount of work compared to a relationship with a confident couple.

The point is that even a desperate person may not be able to keep up with your requests and expectations. He or she could expect help from you and give up on you when he or she sees you can’t even help yourself.

If you have low self-esteem, you don’t feel content and confident with who you are. You need external sources to convince you that you’re attractive and dateable. And that puts you at great risk of breaking up.

Also, people with low confidence in their own abilities are much more prone to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, social phobias, drug addiction, alcohol misuse, and over-reliance on their partners for help. They oftentimes make loyal partners, but their problems can be very difficult and overwhelming for their partners and can cause a lot of problems.

Low self-esteem isn’t the biggest problem couples can face, but it’s a problem nonetheless. If they don’t improve their perception of themselves, someone might start lashing out, get away with it, lose respect, take their partner for granted, leave, and look for someone who respects himself or herself.

So if you’re desperate for love, don’t keep looking for love. Instead, stop for a moment and acknowledge that you’re tired of feeling the way you do and that you wish to feel happier emotions. You want to feel that you’re desirable, that you have a purpose, and that you can share your life with someone you can trust and rely on.

The real questions you should be asking yourself are, what is your purpose in life? Does your life have a point outside of a romantic relationship? Are you happy with your hobbies, ambitions, goals, friends, family, work, and life in general?

You may think you’re happy because you’re excelling in one or two fields, but you need to consider all of them.

If you have a high-paying job you enjoy and 0 friends to spend time with when you’re bored or lonely, that’s not a rewarding life. It’s a life in which you pick the things you’re good at and neglect other important parts of your life.

Desperation for love comes from unhappiness. Clearly, something is telling you that you’re not on the path you want to be. Your job is to figure out what that is. Is something really not going well for you or did you just develop a habit of putting yourself down?

Engage in introspection and get to the bottom of things. Once you’ve discovered your reasons for wanting someone to love you, you can then put a plan in place.

With that said, here are some possibilities as to why you’re so desperate to be in a relationship.

If you feel that you’re desperate for love, you might not be getting a lot of romantic opportunities, or conversely, you’re so used to being in a relationship that you don’t know how to be single. Relationships boost your ego, so you think that being with someone who loves you is a sign of desirability whereas being single means you’re not desirable and worthless.

Many people jump from one relationship to the next without taking the time to heal and think about what they can improve about themselves. They’re convinced their ex wasn’t the right person for them and that someone else will be.

They have no idea they’re part of the problem and that their next relationship will face similar issues. Such people often think life is about finding the right partner rather than working on things with the person they chose.

Anyway, desperation typically indicates a lack of options, low self-esteem, or some kind of obsessive pattern. You need to get down to the root cause of your compulsion, so can then address your deep-rooted problems and make more logical decisions during the pursuit of a romantic relationship.

What to do when you’re desperate for love?

If you’re desperate for love, ask yourself what you’re getting out of desperation. Did desperation ever give you the kind of results you wanted? Did it empower you and enrich your life?

I strongly doubt that. Desperation put you in a situation where you really, really wanted something. And because you wanted it so badly, it significantly increased the chances of making big mistakes and suffering when things go south.

If pain isn’t what you’re looking for, remind yourself that desperation is a bad thing and that you need to do something about it. You need to understand what or who triggered it. When you understand that, you should write your thoughts and feelings down on a piece of paper and tell yourself that unregulated, long-term desperation will put you in a position of weakness, overwhelm your partner, and get you broken up with.

So avoid getting broken up with and suffering unnecessarily by working on yourself now rather than later. This is your chance to sign up for therapy or at the very least express yourself through journaling. By writing down your thoughts, feelings, and discoveries, you can acknowledge that you have a problem and that you don’t want to feel and/or act desperate anymore.

You can divert your attention to accepting yourself as you are, loving yourself, and doing something more productive with your life.

To get rid of your desperation for love, you basically need to tell yourself enough times that you don’t need a person to love you to feel secure. You may want a relationship because a romantic partner adds value to your life, but you certainly don’t need a man or woman to help you with basic human needs such as self-love.

Self-love is something you can get plenty of yourself. If you convince yourself that you matter and that you have lots to offer to the world and romantic relationships, you can start feeling comfortable with who you are and be less reactive to what other people have and say about you.

So start improving your self-esteem and rewiring your beliefs today. Say uplifting phrases out loud or in your head to remind yourself that being single is a strength, not a weakness. Make sure to read books that boost your self-esteem. I suggest a book called The 6 pillars of self-esteem (link to Amazon).

Reading is a powerful tool for self-actualization. It helps you learn new things about yourself and encourages you to make some necessary changes. I suggest reading self-help books for at least 30 minutes a day.

It will take some time to change how you perceive yourself and the world. But when you finally make this internal change, you’ll stop being desperate for someone to love you. Your desperation will turn into a normal, healthy craving and will prepare you for a balanced romantic relationship.

So for now, don’t date anyone. Just focus on learning more about yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin. You’ll have plenty of time to look for a person to be with once you’ve done the necessary work.

Are you still wondering why you’re so desperate to be loved? Why do you think you crave recognition so badly? Share your thoughts in the comments below. We’ll respond soon!

And lastly, if you want to talk about your obsessive thoughts and feelings with us, sign up for coaching on this page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.