If you’re contemplating being friends with benefits with an ex, you should know that you won’t be able to act like partners and pretend that what you’re doing is perfectly normal. You’ll need to follow certain rules, guidelines, and prevent yourself and your ex from getting too involved. By setting clear boundaries right from the start (the breakup), you might be able to keep your expectations low and see each other sexually rather than romantically.
You might be able to meet up, but only to reap the sexual benefits provided by this relationship.
If someone still has feelings and sees the friendship with benefits as a means to get back together, he or she is bound to get hurt when the other person fails to develop feelings and refuses to get back together. The detached person is unlikely to develop feelings because of sex alone. Sex may be enjoyable, but it doesn’t fulfill people romantically in a way that makes them want to commit. Sex after a breakup only satisfies sexual urges and boosts people’s egos.
I strongly advise you not to settle for friendship with benefits if you’re anxious and want your ex back. You may want to keep your ex close to you and make your ex happy, but this isn’t the way to reconnect as partners. When a person you love only likes you sexually, a friendship with benefits will make you feel used and unworthy. It will remind you of the relationship you lost and keep you starving for more.
Your desire for love and commitment won’t disappear simply by sleeping with your ex. If anything, it will increase because of your unmet needs and expectations. Every time your ex shows no interest in spending quality time with you and getting to know you, you’ll ask yourself what you’re doing with your ex and whether it makes sense to continue.
The friendship will be strictly non-romantic. There won’t be any (passionate) kissing, hugging, hand-holding, affectionate thank-yous, or conversations about the future. Everything will feel emotionally flat and focused solely on the present moment. That’s how you’ll be able to tell that your ex is done investing in you and that he or she just wants to hold onto you as a friend with benefits.
This peculiar friendship, of course, isn’t built to last. For your ex, it’s a temporary source of sexual fulfillment and a stepping stone toward something more serious and lasting. Your ex will probably stop sleeping with you when he or she stops feeling bad and/or meets someone else. Someone he or she can build a meaningful relationship with.
So don’t assume that friendship with benefits will lead back into a relationship. If that’s what you’re hoping for, it will most likely lead to rejection and disappointment. The moment you try to make your ex commit to you, you’ll show your ex you’re not interested in being FWB and that you’re actually trying to win him or her over.
That will be the end of the FWB and the start of no contact, something you should have done from the start.
So again, agree to be a friend with benefits with a former partner only if you’re over your ex and your ex is over you. It’s not a smart idea to sleep together when one party feels rejected and hurt.
If you’re the dumper, consider the possibility that your ex may still be in love with you. Most dumpees are obsessed with their ex at the end of the relationship and agree to anything their ex suggests. Some are okay even with a friendship-with-benefits kind of situation. They feel that if they say no, their ex will move on and sleep with someone else. They forget that their ex has lost feelings and won’t regain them until he or she goes through something (bad) that causes reflection.
Now that the warning’s out of the way, make sure this is truly the kind of relationship you want to have with your ex. Keep in mind that your ex will come/invite you over, mainly if not only for sex, and might leave or expect you to leave afterward. It’s hard to say how your ex will treat you after you’ve done the deed, but if you’re not prepared to find out, it may be best to discuss it with your ex.
Ask your ex how he or she expects this unusual friendship to work. Would sex be arranged spontaneously? Would there be any talking afterward? What about pet names? Are they allowed? What happens when someone gets attached? Such questions may feel a bit uncomfortable, but it’s better to know how he/she expects things to work than to dive into the unknown and experience shock and arguments later.
You can’t predict how everything will unfold, but you can avoid most misunderstandings and disagreements by discussing them ahead of time.
It’s clear that this arrangement is purely about sex. But since your dynamics differ from other ex-couples, you may want to discuss them and establish some clear friends-with-benefits boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. If they are crossed, what happens then? Do you talk about it or end the sexual relationship? These are some of the things you need to ask before you get sexually involved with your ex.
The sexual relationship should be non-romantic in nature. The second one of you starts developing feelings and romantic expectations, things are about to get messy. You need to know what to do in such cases and adjust or end the sexual relationship.
Don’t fall into the pattern of hooking up, getting back together, and breaking up. This will prolong the difficult situation and force you to suffer.
In today’s article, we talk about the rules of being friends with benefits with an ex and what you should do when they’re broken.
Rules of friends with benefits with an ex
There are no written rules for being friends with benefits from an ex. But if you want your sexual relationship to work, at least for a while, you must create some. You must talk to your ex about dos and don’ts and establish healthy boundaries. Both of you must be aware of them and be prepared to walk away if the sexual friendship feels unfulfilling, strange, or difficult to pursue.
First and foremost, you need to draw a clear line between friendship and a relationship. A friends-with-benefits situation is neither one nor the other. It’s a unique kind of situation that only a few exes can successfully navigate. You have to see it for what it is and treat it accordingly.
The most important thing to do is agree that you’re both in it for pleasure, nothing else. There should be no random meeting up, calling each other pet names, hanging out with each other’s friends, and acting like you never broke up. If you pretend like nothing’s changed, you won’t only confuse your friends and family, but also each other. You’ll feel strange and perhaps even pressured and scared.
You can avoid being judged and feeling uncomfortable by agreeing that you’re meeting up just for sex and that you won’t expect more and get offended and hurt.
Once you’ve agreed on the type of relationship, you must keep things casual. No hugging, texting in the middle of the day, kissing randomly, dating, saying “I love you,” and talking about the future. The FWB situation requires you to stop using terms of endearment and treat your ex as an ex, not a friend or partner.
If you treat your ex like your lover, your ex could feel uncomfortable and run for the mountains.
Next, you’ll need to decide what would make you end the arrangement. Typically, friends-with-benefits situations end when one person starts seeing someone else. A new dating prospect requires all of his or her attention and makes sex with an ex immoral and difficult.
I know some people advocate for sleeping with multiple people at once, but this can be both risky and irresponsible. It can endanger the people involved and make you look selfish, aloof, and uncommitted. It can hurt your ex as well as those who aren’t aware of your sexual history.
That’s why you should stop being friends with benefits the moment it’s clear that your new relationship is becoming serious and moving toward intimacy. End things to stick to your word, keep your conscience clear, and protect everyone involved. You don’t want your ex to hate you for putting him or her at risk, and the new person to think you’re a player.
Moreover, end the arrangement if friendship with benefits starts to interfere with your healing or growth. The time after the breakup is meant for you to recover and learn from your mistakes. If you feel that you’re not detaching or growing as fast as you should be, it’s time to end things and focus on yourself. Don’t talk, let alone sleep with your ex if your ex reopens old wounds and prevents you from becoming the best version of yourself.
Likewise, don’t sleep with your ex if you argue afterward. Post-sex arguments occur due to emotional disconnection, resentment, a lack of boundaries or crossed boundaries, different goals, and unspoken expectations. If you argue, remember that emotions still run high and that things are too tense for a FWB kind of arrangement.
I can’t tell you which rules of friends with benefits apply to you. You’ll have to figure them out on your own by speaking to your ex and seeing what works and what doesn’t. Some FWBs are okay with sleeping with multiple partners, but they usually express that and agree to it. You must have a down-to-earth conversation with your ex and see what your ex is open to.
That way, the risk of hurting each other will be significantly lower.
Most friends with benefits are okay with following the rules mentioned in the following picture. Feel free to modify them according to your needs and expectations.
Pros and cons of friends with benefits with an ex
Being friends with benefits with an ex can be a challenging situation to navigate. On the one hand, you can maintain a connection and shared history with a person you’re familiar with. But on the other hand, you can experience feelings of pressure, neglect, jealousy, competitiveness, and unfulfillment.
Sleeping with your ex can bring back old feelings and make you question your decision to hold onto your ex.
Friendship with benefits is definitely not for everyone. Most couples can’t be friends, let alone friends with benefits. They need time to process the breakup, detach, enjoy life, and figure out what they want and don’t want. If they rush and give friendship with benefits a try, they often fail because they haven’t healed yet.
Mainly, exes who detach, forgive, and respect each other succeed as friends with benefits.
You need to be aware of the pros and cons of this type of friendship before you give it a try.
One of its benefits is that you get to explore a strictly sexual relationship with someone you trust. You get to stay physically connected without feeling pressured. When this no longer works for you, you can walk away and start something new without devastating the other person. If you’re the type who enjoys company and attention, a friends-with-benefits type of relationship can prevent loneliness, overthinking, and even depression.
As for the cons, it can lead to all kinds of negative experiences and feelings. You could develop feelings, feel insecure or replaced, and lash out. Anything could happen when a new person enters the picture and demands time and affection.
Things could get out of control and ruin both the new relationship and the friendship with benefits. This is something you need to be aware of before you agree to be sex friends. Also, if you didn’t function well as a couple, old communication patterns could resurface, making you communicate and solve problems like before.
That would make you feel like you’re still together, even though you’re with each other just for sexual favors. If you can’t separate a romantic relationship from a friends-with-benefits arrangement and treat them as different entities, there’s a high chance someone will cross boundaries and ruin the foundation of the sexual dynamic.
Meaning, you’ll get hurt and regret giving friendship with benefits a try.
No one says you need to stay in each other’s lives. If your relationship ended, especially on bad terms, you’re more than free to go your separate ways and heal. You owe it to yourselves to leave the past behind and prepare yourselves for new romantic opportunities. Your future partners will have an easier time trusting you with their feelings if you cut each other off and show them that your loyalty is with them.
Did you learn any new rules of being friends with benefits with your ex? Which rules do you agree or disagree with? Let us know in the comments below.
Lastly, if you need our help and would like to discuss friends-with-benefits rules in detail, feel free to subscribe to coaching. We’ll walk you through the risks of this kind of relationship and help you navigate it wisely.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
