Relationships Are Too Much Work

Relationships are hard work. They require dedication, open-mindedness, and most of all, strength. Strength can help couples get through hard times (which is something most couples go through).

Those who expect their relationships to be a love story straight out of a fairy tale tend to get disappointed as they question the quality of their relationship and wonder if they deserve better.

They think that relationships aren’t supposed to be as hard as they are and that they might be happier by themselves or with someone else.

That kind of thinking is very damaging to relationships as it lets doubt enter couples’ minds. And doubts (if not regulated properly) can make a person feel victimized and neglected and cause detachment (sometimes even resentment).

So keep in mind that relationships are hard work as they are (they don’t even have to have problems). They require a constant investment of time, money, and emotions and a healthy emotional state and relationship mentality.

If a person (not necessarily both people) gets distracted, stressed, depressed, or loses interest, respect, attraction, or love, he or she can hog all the power in the relationship and make the relationship imbalanced, unfair, and unhealthy.

This can, in turn, make the more invested and underprioritized person wonder about his or her place in the relationship and cause him or her to act on anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and anger.

Strong reactions from the neglected person then make the person with unresolved problems even more certain that he or she is unhappy and that the relationship demands that he or she puts in the time and effort he or she doesn’t have or want to put in.

In other words, the relationship smothers him or her, which is exactly the opposite of what he or she needs to self-prioritize and think positively about the relationship.

If a relationship used to be all sunshine and lollipops but it’s not anymore, this doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with the relationship. It just means that the couple has gone through the infatuation phase and that they’ve hit a point where they actually have to put the work in.

Before, they could operate on autopilot and be happy with little to no effort. But after they get to know each other, they need to communicate, express themselves properly, spend time together, ask questions, pay attention to each other’s problems and feelings, empathize, and much more.

This on its own is hard work because it’s what every relationship consists of and needs to survive. If people aren’t ready to invest in their partner, they shouldn’t be in a relationship. They should be figuring out what they want and don’t want so they can work on their problems.

Some people need to process their previous relationships, work on their attachment styles, and get rid of their fears whereas others must set some healthy relationship goals and priorities and develop a desire to be in a serious committed relationship.

Every relationship is different, but that doesn’t suggest that relationships are supposed to be a cakewalk.

How hard they are strictly depends on each individual’s

• self-awareness
• self-control
• expressiveness
• stress/problem management
• and overall maturity

If you want your relationship to be easy or as easy as it can be, you shouldn’t point out your partner’s flaws and express discontent (at least not in criticizing ways). You should focus on things that need to improve within you because by doing so, you’ll mature and encourage your partner to do the same.

If you try to change your partner by condemning him or her, all you’ll do is hurt your partner and force him or her to defend himself or herself. Most people say hurtful things back because they feel judged and attacked.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner to grow as no one’s perfect. But the way to go about this is to make it your partner’s idea to grow. That’s the only way your partner will see that you accept him or her and want the best for the relationship.

Avoid saying things like why “can’t you, why do you always, I want you to…” and instead, say “why don’t we try, what do you think we should, how do you want to…”

The only way you’ll encourage self-development is by showing that you accept your partner as he or she is but that you’d like the relationship to benefit from some healthy changes.

In today’s post, we discuss whether relationships are hard work and how much work is too much in a relationship.

What relationships are hard work?

All relationships are hard work. But many couples naturally do the right things and don’t feel that relationships are hard work. They feel the desire to invest in each other and communicate properly because they enjoy spending time together and growing their relationships.

Couples like that have similar cravings and relationship expectations, so we can say that they’re on the same page. They have a bit less work and adjusting to do than couples who feel disrespected, pressured, or unvalued.

It’s couples who don’t understand each other, neglect themselves, argue, and feel stressed that consider relationships to be hard work. Such couples aren’t 100% happy with themselves and each other, so they create problems even if there aren’t any.

They do this to express themselves and get a feeling that they’re understood and cared for.

Therefore, what makes relationships hard is that people don’t invest in themselves prior to getting into relationships. They don’t do the legwork necessary for maintaining a relationship, so they encounter issues throughout the relationship and find relationships hard.

They think that something’s wrong with their relationship when in reality, they’re underdeveloped as people and will encounter the same or similar issues in a relationship with someone else.

It’s no secret that people are prideful and have a tendency to avoid responsibility and blame others for their problems and the way they feel. In psychology, we call this projection—and it negatively impacts a lot of couples.

It makes them point fingers at each other and hinders their growth.

What couples should do instead is admit that they’ve failed to reflect and grow when they had the chance to do so and that their relationship will get easier if they let go of old perceptions of each other and start anew. This, of course, is easier said than done, but couples must forgive each other and turn over a new leaf.

By doing so, they can avoid resenting each other and giving up when the relationship gets tough.

As I mentioned, most relationships encounter issues at some point in time. When they do, couples put their problem-solving techniques to the test and make it or break it. They make it if they’re ready to accept each other and communicate.

And they break it if they try to change each other and refuse to adapt.

During the first few months of knowing each other, couples tend not to experience big problems as they’re not fully comfortable and close with each other.

They tend to start showing who they are a few months into the relationship as they begin to progress through the more challenging relationship stages. That’s when they put their personalities and relationship skills on display.

Anyway, relationships that are “too much work” are normally governed by couples with exhausted mentalities. Couples with such mentalities expect their relationships to be flawless, so they get their expectations crushed when they get a taste of reality.

They see that they’ll have to put a lot of work in to achieve the kind of results they want to achieve.

So if you want to know what relationships are hard work, they’re relationships in which couples feel they need to put more work in than they should. Such couples feel that they’re not getting back what they hoped to get and that their relationships are not worth the effort.

Here’s why relationships are too much hard work for some people.

What relationships are too much hard work?

Any toxic relationship is too much work. Toxic relationships include shouting, hitting, smashing things, lying, cheating, manipulating, ghosting, and anything unhealthy.

Such relationships are too much hard work because no matter how much people want their relationship to be better, they can’t and won’t improve their relationship standards and their or their partner’s behavior.

This is because they continue to react to their partner (and their partner to them) and keep hurting each other.

People are wired in certain ways. And unless they commit to “unwiring” themselves, they more often than not stay the way they are. Only something painful can incentivize them to reflect and grow in the right way.

But that something tends to be a breakup (meaning it’s too late).

So don’t stay in relationships that show no signs of improvement. Do your best to escape unhealthy relationships as they’ll hurt you and waste your time.

You can tell a relationship is not going to improve if you notice:

• The same unhealthy patterns repeating
• Endless promises to do better
• Highly reactive tendencies
• Respect being long gone
• Love, attachment, and commitment lacking
• And signs of doubt or relationship-destructive thoughts and emotions

It may be best to leave such a relationship and spend some time detoxing, healing, and improving.

Don’t jump straight into a new relationship because you could be highly sensitive and reactive to behavioral patterns that remind you of your previous relationship.

On the other hand, keep in mind that people are emotional beings and that sometimes we think that our relationships require too much hard work to maintain.

We let our emotions cloud our judgment, so we make hasty decisions that aren’t the best for the situation we’re in.

As committed people who lack the space to see things from a rational standpoint, we must remind ourselves that there’s a difference between toxic relationships and relationships in which we feel stressed, angry, or sad from time to time.

The difference is that one of them requires more patience and understanding than the other. One needs us to be self-aware and committed to our partner whereas the other needs us to stop tolerating abuse or unhealthy tendencies.

What to do when your relationship is too much hard work?

If you and your partner had the will to work on the relationship, you could sign up for couples counseling and commit to listening and communicating better. But since someone (or both) has decided that your relationship is too much hard work, the only thing left to do is to break up.

A breakup will let you distance yourself from relationship problems and allow you to feel in control of your life.

The only question is how to do it. How to break up with someone who makes you feel that you need to try too hard for the results you get?

The best advice I can give you is to treat your partner with respect regardless of how he or she treats you and makes you feel. You need to handle breakups maturely because your words and actions could affect your partner severely. They could cause him or her excruciating separation anxiety and make it difficult for him or her to accept your decision.

So when you’re certain that your relationship is too difficult to manage, pick an appropriate date and time to deliver the bad news. A good place is your partner’s home and a good time is any time your partner is not busy with important tasks.

During work or a day before the final exams would be a jerk move.

You need to understand that your partner is a human being with emotions and that as difficult as your relationship is that you need to be mindful and treat your partner fairly. Your partner might not do the same, but that doesn’t matter.

Do what’s best for him or her anyway and your conscience will remain clear.

Do you think relationships are too much work? Do you agree that some people find them more exhausting than others? Let us know what you think about relationships in general in the comments below.

And if you’d like to discuss your relationship problems with us, sign up for coaching here.