If your partner threatens to leave when you argue, his or her actions show a lack of established or respected relationship boundaries. Your partner doesn’t have any red lines he or she mustn’t cross and thinks that he or she can manipulate you into doing what he or she wants. This kind of thinking proves that your partner is putting his or her feelings before the relationship and that he or she doesn’t value the relationship when emotions run high.
Emotions make it difficult for your partner to be rational and resolve differences of opinion maturely. That’s why the first thing he or she does when there’s an issue is propose breaking up. A threat to end the relationship is a last-ditch effort to stop you from saying or doing things he or she doesn’t like.
Your partner wants to see that you care about him or her and the relationship. When your partner sees that you do and don’t want to break up, your partner feels in control of the relationship and instantly wins the argument.
He or she gets to be right (even if the opposite is true) whereas you get to worry about your safety and happiness. Threats to leave essentially scare you to the point of ignoring your beliefs, wants, and needs—and tell your partner that threats are an effective bargaining chip. They work more than apologies or explanations and make your partner feel tempted to threaten to leave again the next time there’s an argument he or she lacks the tools to resolve amicably.
As you probably know, threats shouldn’t be thrown around whenever communication fails. The only time a person should threaten to leave is when his or her partner refuses to change and doesn’t see or care that he or she is hurting you. Every relationship is different, but threats or ultimatums are couples’ last resort to force the unwilling person to change unhealthy patterns.
Unhealthy patterns can be:
- lying
- manipulating
- cheating
- drinking and drug abuse
- physical violence
- spending money recklessly
- ignoring his or her partner’s feelings and needs
- endangering his or her or others’ safety
Threats to break up are extremely dangerous for a relationship. Not only do they hurt the threatened person, but they also drag him or her down to the threatener’s level of maturity. This means the threatened person might eventually lose his or her cool and say “F it” and threaten back. He or she might fight fire with fire and take the escalation to another level.
And as you may know, escalation isn’t a good thing. It further decreases relationship standards and makes it more likely for couples to break up. Your job as a couple is to learn how to work together and diffuse the tension. That’s how you can grow and stay together long-term.
Failure to adapt and grow will likely lead to a breakup.
So if your partner threatens to break up every time you argue, bear in mind that you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your partner. You should be able to express your thoughts and emotions openly and discuss ways to get along better. Healthy couples grow with time whereas unhealthy or incompatible ones escalate things and threaten to break up.
They threaten to leave or actually leave when they argue and feel unheard or disrespected.
Needless to say, this is no way to live. No person should have to feel threatened every time there’s a disagreement. Fear and uncertainty are the last things a person should feel in a relationship. He or she should understand that the relationship has become unhealthy and that he or she must do something about it.
The threatened person must either encourage the other person to break the pattern of threats or break up and feel secure. He or she shouldn’t expect things to get better just by avoiding difficult topics. That would just enable the person making threats to have his or her way without taking accountability.
So don’t just ignore your partner’s threats and expect things to get better. They won’t get better because sooner than later, you’ll have another argument or disagreement and make your partner feel tempted to manipulate you and feel in control. Your passive approach to the problem will discourage your partner from seeing things from your perspective and caring enough to stop threatening to leave.
The only way things can improve is by talking to your partner about the effects threats have on you and the relationship. If he or she cares about your feelings and wants to be in a relationship, your partner will take you seriously. As long as you don’t talk about it in the heat of the moment, of course. If you start the conversation right after he or she has threatened to leave, your partner will probably feel criticized and get defensive.
It’s best to bring it up after you’ve patched things up because that’s when your partner will be the most receptive.
In today’s post, we talk about why your partner threatens to leave when you argue and what you can do to fix the situation.
Why does my partner threaten to leave when we argue?
Your partner threatens to leave because he or she has learned that threats are effective. They help him or her win the arguments and get him or her the expected results. Over time, your partner has noticed that the fastest and most efficient way to change your attitude and behavior is to threaten you with a breakup.
Threats make you stop proving your point and accept your partner’s views and behavior. Essentially, they force you to surrender and let your partner think and do what he or she wants. If your partner wants you to admit you’re wrong and apologize, your partner can make you do that. All your partner needs to do is make you think that you’ll get broken up with and feel insecure.
That’s enough for you to prioritize safety over your beliefs and let your partner think that he or she is right even if the opposite is true.
Your partner probably lacks problem-solving skills and/or is okay with the relationship staying unhealthy. After all, your partner neglected the relationship and stopped caring about relationship standards. A lack of awareness and care has turned your partner into someone who manipulates you and gets what he or she needs by force.
Your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with that because he or she thinks you’re responsible for all his or her problems. Your partner has convinced him/herself that you’re the problem and that it’s okay to manipulate you into changing for the sake of the relationship.
Your partner doesn’t realize that you’re entitled to your opinion and that healthy couples reach agreements unanimously.
If the relationship is relatively new, it may be that your partner is still testing your boundaries. He or she may want to know your emotional vulnerabilities and what you’re willing to tolerate and do to stay committed and feel secure. If your partner threatens you early on, he or she is likely looking for an emotional reaction from you.
A reaction that would provide validation and prove that your happiness depends on him or her.
Your partner may also be threatening to leave because he or she lacks commitment and certainty about being with you. This could be due to stress, relationship problems, or another dating candidate. When people associate bad emotions with the relationship and have backup options, they’re much less grateful to their partner and scared of abandoning the relationship.
They know that if they leave, they can instantly replace their partner and feel fulfilled.
Most people, though, threaten to leave because they have trouble controlling their thoughts and expressing their emotions (usually their anger). They’re hurt and frustrated with their partner, so they resort to desperate measures. They threaten to leave and hope their ex will do as they say.
Initially, threats usually work for them. They force their “misbehaving” partners to change their tone and do what their ex wants. But eventually, threats stop working on them. They don’t scare them much anymore because they get used to them and feel manipulated.
Threats are not a solution. They’re a manipulative tactic abusive people rely on to get what they need. To be happy, they must develop healthy relationship skills and problem-solving habits.
So keep in mind that threats to leave are a sign that relationship standards have fallen below a healthy level and that a couple must increase them if they want to be happy and stay together long-term. It’s unlikely that they’ll be happy and stay together for long when they continuously show each other they’re ready to abandon the relationship as soon as things get tough.
A relationship in which one or both parties resort to threats and struggle to trust each other can’t thrive. It can only get worse until they break up or find a way to improve the quality of their relationship.
Having said that, here’s why your partner threatens to leave when you argue and fail to reach a compromise.
What to do when your partner threatens to leave?
Couples need to discuss their problems and differences. If they can’t discuss them because they feel defeated and tempted to threaten to leave, it means they lost their self-control and that they have some work to do. They have to improve themselves individually and raise their boundaries together as a couple.
They can do that not by threatening to leave but by sitting down and discussing why it’s important not to threaten a breakup. They can change how they act when they’re angry and frustrated by creating a list of things they’re not allowed to say and do when they argue and feel overwhelmed. Creating a list of unallowable behaviors is the first step.
The second (a much harder step) is actually sticking to the plan.
You and your partner can avoid saying the things you agree to by developing sufficient self-awareness. Now how can you do that? It’s simple. All you have to do is read the list you’ve made as many times and as often as possible. Read it multiple times a day, especially when things are okay and going smoothly because that’s when you might forget about the things you need to work on.
That way, you’ll remember the things not to say and do when you argue. When you remember it, it will come down to your self-control – the ability to control your actions. Your success will depend on how badly you want to have a healthy relationship with your partner. The healthier you want it to be and the more important the relationship is to you, the bigger the chance that you’ll resist the urge to threaten your partner with a breakup.
It won’t be easy at first, but if you and your partner want to do better, you’ll do it. Remind each other why you’re together and why you’re important to each other. Keep your ego and pride in check and you’ll see that you can work together if you truly want to.
If your partner doesn’t care about you and doesn’t stop threatening to leave no matter how you express yourself, then you obviously have to end the relationship. You can’t stay with someone who continues to intimidate you every time you argue. A relationship is supposed to feel safe and fulfilling. When it feels unsafe and unfulfilling, it loses its purpose and needs to end.
You can end it by telling your partner you don’t resolve arguments healthily as a couple and that you’ve decided to focus on yourself.
If your partner only threatened once or once in a while, it’s probably not too late to fix the relationship. You may still be able to talk some sense into your partner and stop hurting each other. But if you evolved and/or explained that threats are affecting your health, happiness, and commitment to the relationship—and your partner hasn’t made any changes, prolonging the relationship would just make your life miserable.
It would force you to put up with unhealthy behavior and inevitably trigger a painful breakup.
So if you can do something to motivate your partner to be a better romantic partner, do it now. Tell your partner that threats hurt you and that you want to refrain from saying and doing relationship-destructive things. If your partner agrees and wants to put an end to his or her unhealthy behavior, your partner will do his or her best to stop threatening a breakup.
A complete change may not happen overnight, but your partner’s desire and determination to handle conflicts better should give you something to work with. You should see changes in mentality and behavior and feel more hopeful about the relationship. Feel free to seek professional help. A professional may help your partner see that you’re not the only one who thinks he or she shouldn’t be threatening to leave.
My advice is to give your partner one last chance to prove his or her ability to mature and treat you well. If he or she blows it, you must part ways and focus on detachment and healing.
Does your partner threaten to leave when you argue? What kind of arguments trigger his or her anger and desire for control? Share your relationship struggles below.
And if you’d like to confide in us about your partner’s unhealthy behavior, feel free to reach out to us through our coaching page. We specialize in relationship and breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
