It’s a strange kind of breakup to love someone deeply and know that love isn’t enough to keep you together. Love can’t fix incompatibilities and circumstantial issues, such as disapproving parents, emotional overwhelm, depression, and bad timing. It can’t make two people give each other what they need when they’re not ready, willing, or capable of doing that.
They have different mentalities, expectations, communication styles, life goals, love languages, and maturity, so it doesn’t help to pretend that everything’s fine when it’s far from it. They can only pretend to be happy and fulfilled for so long before they hit a wall and emotionally burn out and disconnect.
When they disconnect and feel overwhelmed, they might even take their frustrations out on each other and do things they might later regret.
So if you love your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, but you can’t be together because you’re not ready or capable of meeting each other’s needs and expectations, bear in mind that it’s better to break up than to stay unhappy and delay the inevitable. Staying together for the sake of being together would not only waste your time but also prevent you from finding the happiness you deserve. It would keep you stuck in a dying relationship and make you miss out on life.
Just make sure that you’re not blaming your lack of love and effort on your circumstances and problems. If you give up on your partner, let’s say, because you’ve met someone new, you’ll break up, not because you’re not right for each other, but because you got distracted with another person. Another person will validate you completely, so you’ll make excuses as to why your relationship with your ex failed.
Some dumpers claim to love their ex when in reality, they merely care about him or her as a person and worry about how they left him/her. They act like they tried everything to make things work when they haven’t even tried therapy and changing some of their thoughts and behaviors.
Such exes justify their giving up by convincing themselves that something out of their control broke up their relationship and that they had no choice but to leave and look out for themselves. They find it way easier to blame something else than to look within and take responsibility for their actions.
If you’re one of those dumpees, you probably know that your relationship was fixable and that you gave up way too soon. You left when things got tough because you looked for excuses rather than solutions. Slowly, you adopted the idea that your relationship was hopeless from the start and that you did yourself and your ex a huge favor.
Despite your beliefs, deep inside, you probably feel guilty and wonder if your ex forgives you for prioritizing yourself over the relationship.
I’m not saying you should have stayed with your ex-boyfriend. I have no clue what your relationship was like and why it ended. All I know is that when a couple isn’t meant for each other, they have opposing views, personalities, visions, and interests.
They realize they’re different early on, not years into the relationship when they become stressed, doubtful, or tempted to be with someone else. Yes, things can go wrong in a long-term relationship, but couples don’t suddenly become incompatible. They drift apart because they neglect each other and invest in anything but their relationship.
A lack of bonding causes them to seek happiness outside of the relationship, shows them what freedom looks and feels like, and urges them to be alone and in control of their lives.
Sometimes, two people can love each other immensely, but still walk separate paths. This happens when they enter a relationship without fully getting to know each other. The point of dating is to ensure that the person you like on the surface is also someone you love on the inside and can commit to long-term.
If you rush (especially because you’re lonely or hurt from a previous relationship), you might develop attraction and care for that person, but that’s not love.
Love is both rational and emotional. Rationally, it’s a belief that you’re in it together, whereas emotionally, it’s a feeling of being complete and a desire to keep him in your life physically, emotionally, and sexually. Despite his flaws and occasional disagreements, you choose to stay close to him as your exclusive romantic partner.
If you don’t believe you’re right for each other and you don’t feel a deep, intimate desire for him, then it’s not love. It’s something between a companionship and associateship. You’re together, but not for romantic purposes. You merely see each other as people who fulfill certain non-romantic wants and needs.
Maybe you don’t feel all alone when you’re together and have gotten used to being in each other’s lives, but you certainly don’t love each other. At least not you. Your partner or ex-partner, on the other hand, may have developed romantic feelings and expectations and needs to detach and get over you. If that’s the case, you should set him free rather than befriend him and string him along.
Breakups are difficult as they are. Don’t make them more difficult for the other person just because you’re not ready to part ways and let go of certain non-romantic benefits. Consider staying friends after a breakup only if you both feel ready to downgrade from a relationship to friendship. If you both agree that the relationship isn’t working and that you’re better off as friends, you can break things off amicably and settle for friendship.
But if someone has feelings while the other craves space, it’s time for good old no contact. Give your broken relationship space and time to heal and focus on yourselves. You must process the breakup in your own way and do your best to find joy without each other.
One day, you might think back and realize that you’re better off as friends. But it probably won’t happen until you’re fully healed.
In today’s article, we explain what it means if you love him but can’t be together.
I love him, but we can’t be together
If you love a person, but can’t be with him, you probably only love the idea of being with him. You don’t actually love him in and out and see a future with him. Whether you’re a long-distance couple, becoming long-distance, or were forced to break up by your or his parents, you’ve determined it’s better to stop seeing each other and go your separate ways.
Living apart brings more happiness than staying in a forced relationship that no longer works. You’ll do yourself and your ex a favor if you break up with him and explain exactly why you’ve decided to terminate the relationship. Make sure to explain things compassionately and answer any questions your ex may have. Break the bad news in a way you’d want someone you love to do it to you.
And by the way, being considerate doesn’t include telling your ex you love him and wish you could stay together. If you say you still love him, you’ll confuse him and make him think you’ll come back in the future when the reasons for breaking up are gone. It’s best to avoid mentioning feelings or hopes to get back together in the future.
Likewise, avoid kissing or sleeping with your ex. Such gestures are bound to make him feel desired and give him hope. Instead, tell him you’re ending things because [insert reasons here] and that you’ll give him time to process things. Feel free to encourage him to reach out if he’s struggling and/or needs answers. He’ll have more respect for you if you’re honest, empathetic, and selfless straight from the start.
So if you love or like the guy but can’t be with him for some reason, tell him you’re ending things permanently and that you appreciate everything he’s done for you and the relationship. Thank him for his patience, care, time, and money he invested in you and wish him nothing but the best.
Don’t say he deserves better and that you want him to find someone who loves him and gives him what he wants. That may seem okay to you, but it’s hurtful to someone who truly loves you and wants a romantic relationship with you and no one else.
The last thing he wants is to think about dating another person, and you doing the same.
My advice is to avoid mentioning other people and throwing the word ‘love’ around so casually. Love is reserved for partners who want to work on the relationship, not those who’ve given up on it and merely feel bad for the way things ended. Guilt is a common post-breakup feeling. Don’t act on it and tell your ex he’s the most perfect guy for you just because the breakup made you emotional.
Think about how your display of emotions will affect your ex and his post-breakup recovery. If you consider your ex’s feelings, you won’t tell him things he wants to hear in the moment, but rather things that are good for him in the long run. Eventually, the guy will get over the rejection, see things clearly, and appreciate you for telling the truth empathetically.
You probably don’t want him to think you lied because you were scared of telling the truth.
Also, figure out why exactly you can’t be together and if you’ve given the relationship your very best. You may realize that there are many more things you can try before you proclaim that fighting for the relationship is hopeless. If the issues are temporary, you may be able to overcome them together or alone by changing the way you interpret the situation and talk to yourself.
You may have lost interest and feelings, but that doesn’t mean you can’t regain them. All you need is to want to regain them. The main question, of course, is whether you want to.
If this isn’t a matter of effort, but emotional unavailability due to some recent stressor or long-term depression, then obviously, you can’t do anything to force yourself to love him. Love has to occur naturally. It can’t happen when you’re struggling to self-prioritize and love yourself. You must be emotionally ready for a new relationship.
When you’re ready, you’ll feel drawn toward your partner and fear breaking up.
That said, here’s why you love him but can’t be with him.
If you don’t love him, let him go
You must let people you don’t love go. By letting them go, you may hurt them in the moment, but you’ll also free them and prevent them from thinking they’re responsible for your unhappiness.
Letting them be single, free, and independent is necessary for them to heal from rejection and find happiness without you. It’s the least they deserve for sticking with you until the end.
It’s also good for you. You don’t want your ex to reach out all the time, insist on getting back together, and wait for you to fix the things that bother you. Like your ex, you must also recover from the breakup and improve yourself. You need space so you can realize whether you truly love your ex and want to be with him.
If you don’t want to be with him or aren’t sure what you want, you don’t deserve to be around him because your presence only confuses him and delays his recovery.
Like it or not, dumpers must create some space when dumpees are too attached and hopeful to do what’s best for them. They must be brave and let their ex know that space is good for both parties and that they don’t intend to change their mind. Even if there’s a good chance they change their mind, they shouldn’t say that to their ex. They should leave their ex alone and focus on things they want to focus on.
That’s how they can reduce their guilt, confusion, and even feelings—and gain their ex’s respect.
All in all, love and breakups typically rarely belong in the same sentence. Usually, the dumpee is still in love while the dumper merely misses the friendship and regrets hurting and losing the dumpee completely.
The dumper should refrain from professing his or her feelings until the dumper is certain he or she loves the dumpee and is willing to do whatever it takes to get back together. The only exception is when the dumper breaks up due to uncontrollable circumstances and thinks that sharing feelings will reassure the dumpee, reduce self-blame, and promote his or her recovery.
Do you love him, but can’t be together? What’s your reason for not committing to the relationship? Post it in the comments below.
However, if you’d like to explore the complexities of your relationship with us, feel free to do so through our private coaching program.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
