When you leave a person, you shouldn’t expect him to run after you, beg you for another chance, and be desperate to hold on to you. Instead, you should expect him to go no contact, keep his distance, and leave you alone for a while. If he respects himself and your decision to be single or with someone else, he’ll focus on healing, growth, and distraction rather than obtaining your validation.
He may feel hurt, but pain won’t cause him to break the silence and portray himself as an attached or codependent individual. An emotionally strong person knows that the worst thing he can do after the breakup is to cling to his ex for dear life and hope she changes her mind.
This is especially true if he’s been dumped before because in that case, experience has taught him that reasoning with the dumper is meaningless and that he should self-prioritize and preserve his worth.
You see, not all dumpees stay in touch with the person who left them. Most of them don’t want anything to do with their ex at all. They feel betrayed or disappointed by the ex they wholeheartedly invested in, so they choose to protect themselves and connect with other people. They feel safer and calmer without their ex’s presence and constant reminders of the relationship they could be in if they treated their ex differently.
That’s why they keep their thoughts and emotions to themselves and let their ex do the same.
If you dumped your ex and haven’t heard from him, you need to understand that your ex’s actions (or inactions) show that he needs time to process the breakup. He most likely still has strong feelings for you and wants to avoid interacting with you to regain control of his life. He must feel overwhelmed emotionally and incapable of having a productive conversation with you.
If he were to talk to you, he’d feel hopeful, anxious, and eager to reconnect on an intimate level. That would mess him up emotionally and hinder his recovery.
Think of your ex’s post-breakup silence as him avoiding embarrassment and pain. The guy would rather let you have the space you asked for than turn into a beggar and come across as a desperate ex who can’t let go. He may believe that exes should be getting some space from each other after a failed relationship and that they should work on regaining their identity and independence.
Once they’ve done that, they can then benefit from talking to each other.
It’s hard to say what your ex believes, thinks, and wants, but if you haven’t heard from him after you dumped him, he clearly doesn’t have anything to say that you may want to hear. Since you ended the relationship on your terms, it’s only fair that he keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself and works on regaining his composure.
As a dumper, you should be glad that he’s not bombarding you with texts and calls and making you feel guilty and stressed. You should be happy to be allowed to move on without being pressured to reconcile. Consider yourself lucky because many dumpers receive texts and calls from their exes for weeks or months. Some even receive unsolicited letters, gifts, and visits to their home.
Such dumpers struggle with what to do. They don’t know if they should help their ex move on or ignore or block their ex. All they know is that they don’t feel good around their ex and that their ex is responsible for their unhappiness. Because they’re unhappy, they feel tempted to project their unhappiness onto their ex and push their ex away by force.
So don’t think it’s strange if you haven’t heard from your ex since the breakup. Your ex is merely prioritizing his health and well-being and doesn’t see the point in staying in touch. As long as your ex feels hurt due to your abandonment, your ex will dislike reaching out to you and receiving unwanted responses from you.
That doesn’t mean your ex won’t reach out to you. All it means is that he’ll think twice or thrice before contacting you and giving you his remaining power.
Always remember that your ex understands things are unbalanced in terms of power and that by reaching out to you, he would make the breakup even worse for himself. He’d put you in charge of his happiness and risk getting rejected again. He might even learn that you’re dating someone new and that you have no guilt, shame, or regret.
That would likely cause him gut-wrenching anxiety and make his healing much more complicated.
In today’s post, we discuss why you haven’t heard from the person you left yet.
Why haven’t I heard from the ex I dumped?
You haven’t heard from your dumpee ex because your ex thinks there’s nothing to say now that the relationship has ended and understands the importance of staying quiet. He knows that your feelings won’t return through communication and that he’ll feel more rejected, anxious, or depressed when he learns that you’re doing fine without him.
Simply put, he doesn’t see a reason to talk while recovering from heartbreak. The risk of emotional regression is too high as your response would likely cause him to obsess about you more than he already does and affect his self-esteem.
If you’re seeing someone else, and he’s aware of it, he’s probably staying quiet to protect himself. He can’t change your relationship with the new person and receive your validation, but he can stay away from you and avoid comparing himself to the new person and getting hurt further. He can do this by focusing on his own life and the things he can control.
And he can control who he interacts with and how he navigates the breakup.
So bear in mind that you haven’t heard from your ex because your ex doesn’t consider you a friend – someone who can add value to his life. At the moment, he probably thinks your post-breakup actions, behavior, or presence will hurt him and complicate his life, and that he doesn’t want to suffer because of you.
Don’t take it personally. He just doesn’t have the will or strength to communicate with someone considerately more powerful than him. The breakup stripped him of importance, so the last thing he wants is to put himself in a powerless situation you’re in control of.
Dumpees tend to learn that they feel much better in no contact. No contact slowly returns their lost power and improves their self-esteem. The longer they go without interacting with their ex, the stronger they become and the less they need their ex to love them. That’s why dumpees who make it through the storm (the first few months of no contact) don’t usually contact their ex later.
If they do converse with their ex, it’s when their ex reaches out to them and breaks no contact. That gives them a bit more control over the conversation because they know their ex is seeking their attention and not vice-versa.
If a lot of time has passed since the breakup, it may be that your ex has recovered and doesn’t feel the need to talk to you. Dumpees want to talk to their ex mainly when they’re hurt and obsessed and crave their ex’s validation. They give up on their ex (including talking to their ex) when they get over their ex and discover their worth.
Lastly, your ex may have already received closure and doesn’t have to talk to you. Since you left him and explained or showed why you didn’t want to pursue the relationship with him, he’s heard enough from you and considers talking unnecessary and counterproductive.
Having said that, here’s why you haven’t heard from the person you dumped.
Should I contact my ex?
Before you contact your ex, ask yourself why you want to get back in touch with the dumper. Is it because you miss the friendship or the relationship? If you merely miss your ex as a friend, it’s in your best interest to figure out if he even wants to talk to you as just a friend. He probably doesn’t if he still has feelings for you and wants you back as a romantic partner.
Telling him you like him not love him will hurt him and make him feel undesired and unworthy of your love. So consider contacting him only if you want him back or if he’s had enough time to process the rejection and get over you.
It’s hard to know how your ex feels if you don’t talk to him, but you should probably wait at least 8 months before you reach out to talk about random things. Give it a year or even two if your relationship was unhealthy, codependent, or particularly intense. Remember that if you reach out too soon, you’ll reopen his wounds and reset his healing.
You’ll make it extremely hard for him to love himself and move on.
If you’re not sure what your ex might be thinking and feeling, it’s best to wait a bit longer. A bit more time won’t prevent you from talking in the future. If anything, it will make it easier because you’ll both process the emotions you need to process and wonder about each other.
Also, keep in mind that dumpees need much longer to process the breakup. Unlike dumpers who feel detached on the day of the breakup, dumpees need many months to get their ex out of their system. You shouldn’t expect your ex to want to talk and be friends just because you’re ready to leave the past behind.
Your ex may not even want to chat and be friends. He may want a relationship or nothing. You must respect that and give him space.
So should you contact your ex?
This depends on what you want and have to say. If you have to talk to him about kids or other mutual responsibilities, reach out to him. Make the conversation strictly about that and leave him alone afterward. But if you want to talk about random things, then it may be best to wait a bit longer. Wait until he’s processed the breakup and become open to talking.
Again, it won’t be easy to know when he’s ready to talk and if he even wants to talk, but if your relationship and breakup can be considered healthy, contact him about a year later.
Make your intentions clear from the start so he knows how you feel about him and why you’re reaching out.
The only time you should contact him immediately is when you still have feelings for him and want him back. In that case, you can let him know you made a bad decision and that you’re ready to invest in him and the relationship. You shouldn’t wait because the more time passes, the more he’ll detach and regain his independence.
When he’s fully regained it, he’ll be much more rational and less likely to take you back. He may reject you and flip the breakup on you. That means you’ll become the dumpee and he the dumper.
I encourage you to think about what you want and what is possible to achieve. What kind of relationship do you want with your ex? If you just want friendship, it may not be wise to reach out. Sooner than later, you’ll probably drift apart. This could be when you bury the hatchet, get closure/tired of each other, or meet other people.
Your friendship could also complicate your relationships with your new partners. It could cause jealousy and make things uncomfortable. Think about that before you pursue a friendship with an ex.
All in all, whether you reach out is entirely up to you Just make sure it benefits both parties involved.
Did you dump your ex and haven’t heard from him? Why do you think your ex is staying silent? Share your thoughts below the post.
However, if you have further questions or need additional clarification, feel free to contact us directly. We offer support via email, text, and phone.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
