Breakups can make it extremely challenging for dumpees to keep their emotions under control and hidden from their ex. They often trigger dumpees’ fears and insecurities and make them want recognition so badly that they beg and plead and stick to their ex for dear life. By sticking to the person they love, they attempt to reconnect emotionally, feel loved, and get another romantic opportunity with their ex.
They don’t understand or want to understand that desperation is far from attractive. It’s unattractive and repulsive because it exudes a lack of power and self-love and forces dumpers to feel guilt-tripped. Dumpers don’t expect to be reasoned with and told how great and desirable they are. They haven’t done anything to earn their ex’s adoration, so they expect to be left alone and respected.
If they don’t feel heard and respected, they might get overwhelmed and react negatively to their ex’s requirements and demands. They often treat their ex with disrespect and push their ex away by force, which hurts their ex’s feelings, self-esteem, as well as their ex’s chances of reconciliation. Every time dumpers feel forced to speak or act negatively, they feel more victimized and like their ex less.
Difficult situations cause them to develop resentment and make them much less open to getting along and working toward common/relationship goals.
So how do you tell your ex you still love them?
If you got dumped by your ex and want your ex to return, you mustn’t tell your ex you still love them and want to be with them. Professing your feelings won’t have the effect you want it to have. You may think and hope that your ex can be wooed with compliments, nice gestures, love, and expectations, but that’s extremely unlikely.
Persistence only works on exes who still have feelings for you and want to feel important. Other (disinterested) exes find it odd and disrespectful. They think you’re not listening to them and hear only what you want to hear. In their mind, your disrespectful and especially self-disrespectful behavior gives them the right to hurt you and keep you away from them.
Don’t forget that when your ex is detached, bitter, and emotionally drained, attempts to reconcile further smother and annoy your ex. They won’t make your ex realize that you’re a great partner and that he or she should try harder to make the relationship work. No matter how you express yourself, your unsolicited professions of love will be perceived as desperate attempts to make your ex feel and do something he or she doesn’t want.
So don’t think that you can somehow bypass your ex’s defenses and trigger his or her repressed feelings. If making a person love you was that easy, most dumpees would get their ex back just by swallowing their pride, showing up unannounced with a bouquet, expressing romantic feelings, and apologizing for their mistakes.
Unfortunately, it takes much more than effort to make a person love you again. It requires breakup knowledge, which is an understanding that you can’t force a person to be with you. Whether it’s a friend, a schoolmate, a coworker, or an ex, you can’t change another person’s perception of you once it’s been fully formed. This is especially true if that person is an ex-partner because in that case, it means that his or her perception of you is under par.
Your ex has associated negative beliefs and feelings with you and doesn’t want to dissociate them. Thinking negatively about you justifies your ex’s reasons for leaving and acting cold, mean, or angry.
You’ve got to remember that your ex already knows how you feel. Your actions speak for themselves as they show you have strong feelings and want to get back together. There’s no need to contact your ex and express your feelings, regrets, and desires to be a couple. Even if you instantly accepted the breakup and walked away, you needn’t express that you want another chance.
You don’t have to do that even if you were mean or vengeful.
The only time you should tell your ex how you feel is when your ex thinks you don’t have feelings and don’t want to compromise and change. In that case, you should talk to your ex and see if your ex is still willing to give you another chance. In all other situations, however, you must avoid speaking to your ex and trying to make your ex feel something for you.
Instead of trying to change your ex’s mind, consider the relationship over and go straight to plan B – the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will help you stay away from your ex and allow you to preserve your worth as an ex. It won’t instantly bring your ex back unless your ex broke up with you to force you to change and empower him or her, but it may bring your ex back if your ex fails to create a fulfilling life without you and becomes nostalgic.
Unhappiness and reflections are what you’re counting on if you love your ex and want your ex to love you back.
So don’t reveal how you feel and expect your ex to feel the same. Your ex won’t have a reason to feel how you feel until something goes wrong and triggers a powerful reflection. Your ex will probably stay busy and blame you for his or her problems and unhappiness. Many dumpers do that because they’re resentful and refuse to take accountability for their actions.
They prefer to stay relieved and guilt-free.
If you want what’s best for both parties, you must refrain from putting your ex on the spot. Despite craving an empowering reaction from your ex, this isn’t the time to reveal your cards and show that you’re hurt and in denial. Feelings come with expectations. If your ex sees how you feel, your ex will feel trapped and uncomfortable.
The only question on your ex’s mind will be how to get out of the awkward situation as quickly as possible. If your ex is immature, impulsive, and unempathetic, your ex will worry more about how to relieve the pressure than how to reject you politely. Hence, it’s in your best interest to keep your feelings to yourself and let go of control.
In today’s article, we talk about why you shouldn’t worry about telling your ex you still have feelings if you’re a dumpee and how to tell your ex you still love them as a dumper.
How do you tell your ex you still love them?
If you’re a dumpee, your ex doesn’t want, nor deserves to hear that you still love them. Your ex has given up on love and doesn’t want you to profess your feelings. Feelings scare and overwhelm your ex and make your ex like and respect you less.
Feelings are reserved for couples, not ex-couples. You shouldn’t project them onto your ex and expect your ex to return them. Your ex will likely get angry and punish you for overstepping his or her boundaries.
Dumpees mustn’t tell their ex how they feel and what they want. Whether they want their ex back or move on, they must hide their feelings and follow the rules of no contact. That’s the quickest way for them to process the breakup and fall back in love with themselves.
So don’t waste your time thinking about how you tell your ex you still love them. Think about how to get your ex out of your system and recover emotionally. If you focus on post-breakup recovery rather than ways to make your ex interested in you, you’ll soon realize that chasing your ex is a waste of time and feelings.
When you chase, you put your ex on a pedestal and expect things from your ex. Because your ex doesn’t give you what you want, you then interpret your ex’s behavior as rejection and reset your healing. You need much longer to get through the breakup and find your passion and purpose.
Always remember that your ex left you and that your ex is the one who should be telling you that he/she loves you. It’s not your job to ask for love and commitment. If you’re the one to confess feelings, you’ll further empower your ex, embarrass yourself, get rejected, and feel hurt. You can avoid that by learning more about breakups and reasons why telling your ex you still love them is a bad idea.
By reminding yourself that your ex won’t feel happy to hear about your feelings and expectations, you can refrain from doing counterproductive things that annoy your ex and make it harder for your ex to want you back.
My advice is to confide in friends and family or write down your feelings on a piece of paper. Sharing your feelings could help you feel heard and understood—and boost the production of happy hormones. It could erase the urge to talk to your ex and replace it with healthier emotions.
Having said that, here’s what you should do if you can’t stop wondering how to tell your ex you still love them.
How do you tell your ex you still love them as a dumper?
Telling your ex you still love them when you’re a dumper is pretty straightforward. All you have to do is reach out and explain that you have feelings and regrets. Say that you’ve done a lot of thinking and maturing and that you’ve realized you’ve made a huge mistake. To rectify your mistake, you’re prepared to give your power back and follow your ex’s lead.
Your ex must see that you’ve learned from the breakup and humbled yourself. Simply put, your ex needs a love/security guarantee. Your words and actions must ensure it so your ex can learn to trust you again and take you seriously. Your ex won’t do that if you hog all the power and show no remorse and willingness to adapt. On the contrary, your ex will likely reject you.
Unless your ex has extremely low self-esteem, that is. In that case, your ex will take you back no matter how badly you treat him or her. Your ex will probably want you more if you show no consideration for his or her health and well-being.
Consider telling your ex you still love them only if you have feelings for your ex and want your ex back. Don’t tell your ex things he or she wants to hear just because you’ve hurt your ex and feel bad. That will confuse your ex and give your ex crazy amounts of false hope, anxiety, and pain. Your ex may want your validation very badly, but that doesn’t mean your ex should get it from you.
Validation will falsely empower your ex, hinder self-improvement, delay detachment, and make your ex put his or her life on hold for you.
If you want the best for your ex, you should refrain from making your ex think you still love him/her and want to get back together. Your ex has to start accepting the breakup and moving on. It won’t be easy to let go, but your ex doesn’t have to do it overnight. He or she just has to self-prioritize and start working on detachment.
By withdrawing his or her attention away from you, your ex can focus on things that truly matter. Things like therapy, self-development, friends, hobbies, and various distractions. Your ex doesn’t have to worry about whether you’re happy and having doubts about breaking up.
So do your ex a favor and avoid saying things like:
- I miss you
- I love you
- I think about you a lot
- You’re handsome/beautiful
- I wish things didn’t end this way
- I always thought we would grow old together
These comments don’t add much value to your ex’s life. The only good thing about them is that they prevent your ex from engaging in self-destructive self-blame and considering him/herself unworthy of explanations and love. You should reassure your ex only if your ex reaches out and directly or indirectly asks for it.
If your ex doesn’t need explanations, closure, and support, you should let your ex focus on things your ex actually wants to focus on. Don’t make your ex’s life difficult, especially if you just want to be friends or friends with benefits. The most respectful thing you can do as the dumper is leave your ex alone and let your ex find happiness without you.
Your ex will appreciate it because he or she will avoid thinking about your feelings and intentions.
What are your thoughts on how to tell your ex you still love them? Share them in the comments section below. We’ll get back to you shortly.
However, if you want to discuss ways to express your thoughts and feelings, reach out to us by subscribing to coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
