When a guy won’t leave his wife but won’t let go of you, he’s very comfortable having his wife in his life and is afraid of ending things with her. Their romantic relationship has already ended, but he feels that if he officially terminated their friendship that his wife would hurt him, hurt herself, or do something to inconvenience him.
Because he knows there will be consequences, the guy now chooses to stay with his wife out of comfort, peace, and safety even though he thinks that a relationship with you would make him happier.
The right thing for him to do would be to let you go and figure out what to do about his wife, but since you’re his distraction, emotional support, a daily dose of validation, and everything his wife isn’t, he’s keeping you around to benefit from you and unintentionally string you along.
He’s making you think that he’ll cut his wife out of his life and get a divorce any time now when in reality, he’s avoiding it and prolonging it for his own reasons.
A guy like this is too afraid to move forward or backward. Quite frankly, he’s stuck and is okay with leaving things the way they are. By leaving them, he doesn’t get to lose anyone (or anything) and gets to continue to obtain what he can from the two of you.
His wife gives him a sense of safety as the thought of her reaction to the separation makes him scared of losing his peace and emotional stability. You, on the other hand, make him feel cared for and provide him with a continuous flow of validation and support.
And that makes him feel trapped between a person he loves and a person he doesn’t want to hurt and get hurt by.
He’d rather keep things as they are and play his role as a husband. This is especially true if he has young children with his wife because in that case, he feels responsible for raising them.
Some of the things a guy could stay unhappily married to his wife for are:
- children
- mortgage and finances
- convenience
- fear of separation (fear of losing his wife as well as being afraid of his wife’s response or people’s judgment)
You need to understand that when a married guy won’t pick between you and his wife, he doesn’t care about your feelings because he’s prioritizing his well-being over yours. He’s unaware of the fact that you feel like his side chick and that it’s driving you insane.
It’s making you feel that he doesn’t love you enough to leave his wife and be with you.
Now, it’s a different story if he cheated with you while still being committed to his wife because that would mean that he might feel confused and still have feelings for his wife. He might be wondering if he’s doing the right thing.
But in that scenario, you need to stay out of the guy’s marriage and let him figure out whether he wants to fix his relationship with his wife or end things with her. You don’t want to wreck his relationship (even though if he cheated with you, you already did a lot of damage).
You should make sure that the guy’s romantic relationship has ended way before you got involved with him. That’s how you can tell that he’s emotionally ready for a new relationship and that no exes are lingering in the background.
In this post, we discuss why he won’t leave his wife for you and what your options are.
Why won’t he leave his wife for me?
When a guy won’t leave a person he doesn’t love and hasn’t loved in a long time, the guy is essentially a coward. I wish there was a better word to call him, but he’s a weak man who doesn’t have the guts to cut his wife off and pursue his love interest.
The guy has been through a lot with his wife and doesn’t want to end things with her. By ending it, he would likely hurt or disappoint his wife and bring a bad reaction out of her. A reaction that would give him a hard time and make him regret trying to shut her out of his life.
Some men are very afraid of their wives or ex-wives. They don’t love them, but because they still live together or live a connected life because of their kids or some other reason, they can’t bring another woman into their house or life without their wives knowing.
If their wives were to find out about it, they would get angry and hurt them badly.
That’s why cowardly and easily manipulated men would rather keep their new girlfriends at a distance and by doing so, avoid problems with their wives.
Some men also feel bad for their anxious, depressed, or broken-hearted wives and don’t want to hurt them. Such men know that their wives aren’t coping well (with the breakup) and that committing to someone else would require them to spend more time with their girlfriends and less with their wives.
This would make their wives even more anxious and jealous and cause them to react impulsively. Because they don’t want to hurt their wives and get blamed for moving on with someone else, they often feel stuck and don’t do anything. They just wait for their wives to give up or for their new girlfriends to leave.
Usually, their new girlfriends get tired of feeling unprioritized and leave way before their wives do.
So if a guy won’t leave his wife but won’t let you go, know that time likely won’t change much. Waiting for a guy won’t accomplish positive results because he is who he is and won’t magically become a stronger person.
You can probably expect the guy to not take any action and continue to wait until something changes. That something will probably be on your or his wife’s side rather than his.
With that said, here are 5 reasons why a guy won’t leave his wife.
Why won’t he let you go if he wants to stay with his wife?
Now that we’ve answered why he won’t let his wife go, it’s only fair that we answer why he won’t let you go.
Things are a bit complicated because he wants the best of both worlds. He wants to support, please, calm, or placate his wife but also be with you at the same time.
Unfortunately for him, he can’t have everything he wants. There’s only enough room in his life for one woman. And that woman is the one he has feelings for and sees a future with.
Since he’s trying to mix two people who are close to him, he’s creating problems for himself and the people involved. He’s forcing himself to feel scared and uncomfortable and preventing himself from moving forward and enjoying life to the fullest.
The guy is basically stuck in the past but trying to live in the moment. This makes him confused and causes him to wonder what to do.
You need to know that as long as his relationship with his wife stays the way it is, it will be impossible for him to take his romantic relationship with you further. That’s because he’ll remember he has unfinished business with his wife and let his problems with her affect his relationship with you.
He’ll let them slow down the flow of the relationship and make you question his love and loyalty.
He could just let go of you and focus on his problems, but because he enjoys spending time with you and feels valued, he doesn’t want to end things with you. He wants you to understand that he can’t just up and leave and that he needs to first find an opportunity to leave.
That opportunity will come when his wife:
- accepts the breakup
- falls out of love with him
- moves out
- recovers emotionally
- or finds someone else
The guy might also be waiting for the kids to grow up before he moves out. That would indicate he has accepted that his wife will be in his life for a while and that you could be waiting a long time for him to create some distance between the two of them.
You should think about whether you want to wait for a cowardly man to wait for his wife to make the first move.
What to do when he won’t leave his wife or let you go?
The guy should have resolved his problems before starting a new relationship with you. But since he didn’t, he has to deal with them now. He has to learn that his wife isn’t and shouldn’t be a part of his future and that he must do something about it.
The biggest problem is that the guy doesn’t want to do anything about it. He’s comfortable with his wife being a part of his life. The guy might, of course, eventually decide to separate from his wife, but if he hasn’t done it til now, he might not do it later either.
This all depends on his ability to reflect and realize he’s been neglecting your needs and hurting you.
Before you make a decision, ask him what’s making him stay with his wife. Maybe she has some kind of medical condition you aren’t aware of. That wouldn’t make him a coward, but a highly empathetic person who wants to help his wife in every way he can.
Yes, he should have divorced her first, but not every couple gets a divorce right away. Many couples consider themselves separated and don’t feel the need to be legally divorced on paper.
So talk to him about his situation and try to understand why he won’t commit or conversely, let you go. You never know, you might learn something interesting.
Once you’ve learned everything you needed to learn, though, you’ll have to make a decision based on that information. You’ll have to decide if he’s worth one final chance.
If he is, you can give him a week or two to resolve his problems and come back to you. But if you conclude that he’s not worth waiting for because he isn’t strong enough to let go of his wife, then you need to let go of him.
He won’t fight for you because he would have fought for you already now that the relationship is new.
So figure out when to give it one last try and when to give up. Life will be easier if you give people limited time and chances to show you their commitment and respect.
What do you think the right thing to do is when a guy refuses to leave his wife and let you go? Would you leave him or try to understand his side of the story first? Let us know below the post. We’ll get back to you soon.
And if you’re looking for a second opinion on what to do, subscribe to 1-on-1 coaching with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi I saw your article while looking up a solution for my situation. I’ve been with a married guy for a year now. It’s been painful. I feel so worthless. I realised that he was a coward and would never divorce about half a year ago. I tried to break up with him many times before but he promised me he would settle things. So I waited. I never had a boyfriend or any kind of romantic relationship before. So it’s hard for me to do it while he keeps pulling. Now I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I literally start a fight everyday hoping he will get bored of me and leave. I’ve done everything I could think of. His wife already knew a long time ago but she doesn’t want to divorce. She keeps harassing me and I’m exhausted. lately, when I try to break up with him, he assaults me. He hurts me physically saying he loves me. He said if I could break up with me, he would have done it by now. But like what????? Then divorce!!?? But he also wouldn’t do it too. I just want to know how to do it. I never break up with anyone before and this is too hard for me.
Hi Eins.
You need your own strength to leave. You shouldn’t keep torturing the guy and hoping he’ll make the job easier for you. If you’re not happy (if the relationship isn’t progressing), you should end it yourself. Tell him you’re not happy and that you’ve decided to end things. No guy should ever lay hands of you. When you leave, seek help from friends and family and make sure he can’t get close to you. Consider filing for a restraining order and reporting him to the police (if things escalate).
Be strong! You can do this!
Zan
i met a married man at my place of work. he approached me first. i had been a single mother separated from my husband for more than 10 years. what got me was how friendly,affectionate, good hearted, mature and responsible he was. even though he is 7 years my junior. i should have ended things with him immediately but i didnt. i tried half heartedly to leave later on, chased him away severally, but he always came back. at some point it i realised i didnt want to let go and so did he. about two years into it i belived him when he said he felt trapped and used and wanted to – be responsible for his own discisions, and that he would leave his home and marry me. 2 1/2 years down the line, when nothing happened, i confronted him and realised he had told me lies and done the same to the wife. when connered , he supprised both of us by stating that he wanted the two of us. this threw us off completely, yet none of us were willing to leave. fast forward to-date, none of our plans have worked out consistently, whether financial or relationshipwise ..im always anxious , upset or depressed. i think its the same for his wife because they have had some fights. his family and friends now know, though he has stuck to wanting us both as his wives, but he is unable to make even the simplest of strides he is unable to leave the house most times to come see me, unable to commit to family meetings, he is followed everywhere and he constantly lies to me to save face. so far, im on the recieving end , always alone, broken promises, but when i say i want to leave, he refuses. i know i deserve what im getting, but to me , whether due to my upbringing, choices in life or low self esteem…..he is still among the best men iv ever met….and im terrified to leave him…
Hi ndanu.
He wants the best of both worlds and needs to understand that he can’t. If he doesn’t, you need to be strong and leave him. He can refuse to let go all he wants, but ultimately, what you do is up to you. If you walk away, that’s it. There’s a saying that if you don’t know who to pick, you don’t deserve either of them. I think it’s true. This person likes the perks you bring in his life but doesn’t actually want to commit to either of you. He doesn’t care that he’s stringing you both along. He can’t put himself in your shoes and imagine how he’d feel if he was just an option.
So as hard as it may be, I encourage you to leave him. If you don’t, you’ll live with uncertainty, fear, and feelings of worthlessness. He would have chosen you already if he was going to.
Sincerely,
Zan
Your article hit the nail on the head with my situation. When I met him it was love at first sight for both of us. I had no idea he was married which stayed under wraps on his end until his wife found out. She blew up, threatened to throw him out (of the house he bought), ad nauseam and then love bombed him. She is a narcissist to the Nth degree so I see why he has trouble leaving. I told him at that time he needed to stay away from me and work on his marriage; I wished him the best. I asked for no contact, which we did for 4 or 5 weeks but soon after were in touch again. No children. Just her family all around them and a community of friends they enjoy with history attached. The love and any remote type of romance is gone; she has let herself go, is out of shape, really looks bad and he has said she does not satisfy him sexually. He is quite attractive and buff. I’m in great shape, sportif and have definitely kept myself up. She controls him with things like planning their life months in advance WITH friends (such as travel) so while he probably has “fun” doing those things he feels about as trapped as anyone can be. But he loves what he has with me…all the validation, support in what he’s doing, respect, and the word ‘control’ doesn’t exist in my language. She was recently gone for 6 weeks and we had the most fun time together together a lot; it was a real relationship for that time but now has changed since she is back. We have been seeing each other for about 4 years now. I resolutely thought and was determined I would never be in an affair situation but here it is. I know I am the one he has feelings for and wants to be with me but he has even said he is confused, yet tells me I am “in him, under his skin” and he would be SO happy with me and all the adventures we would have. He has not lead me on with saying he will leave her; he just doesn’t talk about it. I don’t think he believes he is stringing me along, but he is. He doesn’t want to hurt and neglect me, but of course, he is. Every minute he can get away and be with me, he does but he is still at her beck and call for fear of dreadful consequences. So I do find myself at a crossroads. I have a hard time letting go of someone like him that, frankly, is one of the most caring and safe relationships I’ve ever had! You may question “safe” but I mean someone who makes me feel safe on all levels except perhaps the emotional one where he still gives me support as much as he can but it still comes in short. I am 69, was married for 25 years before losing my husband to cancer 16 years ago and have two wonderful grownup children and two grandchildren! But on the love front there aren’t a lot of interesting or attractive fish left in my local bowl; I dated another guy for 4 years who turned out to be sociopathic; and others after that who were just not my type and awful. I am wildly attracted to this one and his personality as he is with me, and our love life is exceptional. It just is pretty hard to walk away. I’m wondering what to do, and if taking time off again for longer might wake him up to the fact he will lose me at some point in time. Will that make him move? I don’t know. I keep thinking it would because it would for me. But I am not in his situation facing defamation, loss of friends, money and mortgage issues because she would rake him over the coals. I like your suggestion to talk to him about his situation but I will be honest: I am afraid of his answer. Even so, something has to change soon or I will start to hold a grudge against him and I don’t want to go there. Any thoughts?
Hi Devi.
There are plenty of better people for you out there. A married person who wants to work on his marriage isn’t your ideal partner. He won’t choose you until he’s completely given up on his partner. And by the looks of it, he’s not there yet. Currently, you’re attached to him and need to stay away from him to get him out of your system. I suggest you stop meeting up with him and stop letting him string you along. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing to you, so you must do what’s best for you.
Sincerely,
Zan
You got this wrong I always tell him he’s able to do what he wants as long as the communication and respects me that he’s not sleeping around. He’s very comfortable and yes we argue but that’s every relationship. He’s been chatting with all different women and even planned a marriage and trip so yeah I’m the bad guy I been begging for his attention and he just did his thing not saying what I did was right but it was just chatting I had a miss carriage and went threw it left me depressed never slept with anyone but I completely cut all internet access come to find out he had dating apps and fake numbers so I asked him we have a child we need it best and yeah it tramatizes me I had another miss carriage and the mental fuck of it yeah I argued with him that made him feel a hatred and resentment I can’t talk to him he snaps at me so I’m just trying to make it work even offered open relationship we’ve been together for 5 years now
Before you talk shit make sure you actually hear the truth not half truths to get in your pants to feel sorry for him. I always told him if he’s not happy he can leave me and he’s always able to see his child never a prisoner
I have been in a similar situation. After 5 years of marriage, i was going through a very rough time in my marriage. I had tried counselling etc but nothing worked. I confided in a old female friend of mine from school who had also been through a bad divorce to understand the process of divorce as her parents where lawyers. It was purely platonic with no boundaries being crossed. However, i noticed that we where getting attached to each other more than friends. We would message each other daily which is not how i usually behave around just friends. This texting was for about a month. Due to this, i decided to be upfront about it. I mentioned to her that we are kind of crossing the line by texting daily etc. She agreed and mentioned that she did not want to be the reason for my marriage to break and does not want to be the other women. After this we did not message each other for a few days and around the 5th day she messaged me and told me that she has began to fall in love with me. I was actually surprised. I didn’t expect it at all. I warned her not to get involved with me, stating that it was not fair to her until i had initiated a divorce with my wife. I kept telling her not to have any kind of emotional ties to me. She then wanted to start video calling me. I gave into it and again kept telling he not to have any feelings for me just yet. I even told her that i am yet to decide if i am going to leave my wife or not. At this point she would say “i get that it is hard for you, but knowing what waits for you at the end, doesn’t it make you want to push the divorce along”. She kept insisting that it was to late and that she had already caught “feelings” for me. The only way around it was to tell my wife that it was over an move on. I didn’t have romantic feelings for her at this point but i didn’t want to hurt my friend or anyone. My friend kept highlighting all the problems in my marriage and insisted that i deserved better and that i should leave my wife. I felt uncomfortable at her requests because i was not in a position to just leave my wife. And i let this friend know this very clearly. Thus i stayed away clear from this friend of mine for about a month. I thought long and hard about leaving my wife. I concluded that since my wife is financially dependent on me, once i leave her, she will have a very difficult time surviving even with a job. I questioned if my wife deserved me leaving her. Was she that bad? Yes she had made mistakes but did that mean that she deserved to be kicked out of my house without any remorse. After one month of no contact, i contacted my friend thinking that things must have died down. I was wrong. As they say, absence causes the heart to grow fonder. She was going through a bad day at work and wanted to call me. I called her, and this is where things took a turn. She respected me and appreciated me in a way i had never ever been in my 5 years of marriage. I started to get feelings for her. This is the point that i take responsibility. I think that i should have totally cut ties with this friend and walked away the moment i got feelings. But clearly i didn’t. Once i was in this infatuation stage, i did speak to a lawyer to initiate the divorce process. But as we all know it does come at a price. I needed money for lawyers fees and compensation to her. My wife had depleted all my savings which meant i had to save up again or get a load etc. I let my wife know that i was wanting a divorce and she agreed to sign the papers, however, she mentioned that she would not return to her parents place and literally change her numbers and not even let her parents know when she is living. She threatened suicide etc. I felt stuck. If she went through with any of those threats, her family would create a huge problem for me. I felt like a horrible human being. My parents suggested making a police entry in case something bad happened. I apologized many times to my “friend” for this whole situation. I was never the type of person to cheat or imagine being in something like this. I never intended to string her along. Any ways fast forward a few months of me contemplating the way forward with divorce, my wife found the mobile number of my “friend” and messaged her. This caused her to obviously freak out and end the relationship. To which i agreed without any fuss since i believe that a person needs to be clear of past relationships to start something new. After a month of breaking up, my “friend” let me know that she has decided to date other people again and wants to move on. She mentioned to me that she thought that having her in the picture would cause me to ASAP leave my wife without any second thought. She mentioned that the fact that i didn’t, made her feel like she was not worth it. Of course this was not the case for me. But i understand where she is coming from. She blocked my number and that was the end. I do really wish this never happened and i take responsibility for not walking away when i caught feelings for the other person. I regret the pain it caused to everyone. It just was not worth it. As enticing as these things may seem, its all ways better to take things the right way no matter how hard it is. The easy way is actually more painful.
Hi Dane.
This new person was in no position to tell you to leave your wife for her. She just wanted the best for herself, which was to stay infatuated with you and go through the love stage. Had you done that, you would have eventually noticed that she was not as ideal as you’d thought and that this relationship was going to take quite a bit of work.
You should have cut her off sooner is what you should have done. That way, you could have spent more time thinking about whether you wanted to stay with your wife. I suggest you take a few months off from dating and just focus on forgiving yourself and being there for your ex (if that’s what she wants).
Kind regards,
Zan
Now that I read your article I see Zan that my ex partner was too afraid to move forward or backward. He’s stuck and def thought just for himself and getting best of two worlds, this happened until I found that he cheated me and have started no contact since then. And all this is thanks to your enormous help 🤍
Hi Linda.
He was scared and didn’t know what to do after he met that woman. But that doesn’t matter anymore because you’re fully healed.
Have a great start to the week!
Zan