Sometimes, exes want to catch up. They haven’t spoken to their ex in months or years, so they feel like texting, calling, or meeting in person. Their actions show they’ve processed their most difficult breakup emotions and feel ready to talk to an ex they lost interest in and felt stressed/overwhelmed by.
Because they think and feel more positively about their ex, they’re okay with catching up and perhaps even becoming friends. The emotions they felt at the end of the relationship are gone, so they feel ready to engage in conversation. This conversation is, of course, meant to be purely friendly as they have no urges to reconnect romantically and start a new relationship.
In my experience, exes don’t say ‘Catch up’ as a way to initiate reconciliation.
They use words like ‘Are you free? ‘Can we talk?’ ‘I want to tell you something.’ These words indicate humbleness and regret, whereas catching up hints at boredom, curiosity, and desire for friendship. Therefore, catching up is reserved for friends or exes who have dealt with negative emotions and feel a non-romantic desire to talk about past events.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you probably see that catching up with a dumper ex would be a big mistake. If you’re still in love with your ex, you would likely have a friendly conversation that forces you to learn things about your ex you’re not ready to learn. You might learn that your ex is doing great without you and that he or she is seeing someone else.
That would hurt your self-esteem and perhaps even spiral you (back) into depression. Catching up is not wise when you still obsess about your ex and desire your ex’s validation. It’s one of the worst things you can agree to when your ex reaches out and says he/she wants to know what’s going on with you and share some updates of his or her own.
You’re better off not knowing how your ex is doing. Common sense should tell you that your ex is doing good, otherwise he or she would have already gotten back together with you. For that reason, it’s best not to interact with your ex. Even though you’re curious about your ex and doing a bit better, catching up will feed your brain with unnecessary information and reopen your wounds.
It will complicate your recovery and make you regret taking your ex up on his or her offer.
So if your ex wants to catch up, remember that talking is bad for your healing and that you don’t owe your ex any conversations. You especially don’t need to discuss your new life with your ex or hear about his or her life. If you respect yourself and want what’s best for you, you must avoid talking to your ex altogether.
Cease all contact with your ex and keep your distance from your ex until you’ve recovered emotionally and can handle your ex dating again. Don’t sabotage your emotions and ability to focus just because your ex wants to catch up. Remember that your ex doesn’t feel how you feel and that you’re not ready to talk to a person who abandoned you.
Talking to someone you’re not over with will bring back your repressed feelings, trigger your anxiety/depression, destroy your emotional progress, obsess you with your ex, eliminate your zest for life, and make you chase your ex for the wrong reasons (validation).
You’ll feel much better if you avoid catching up with an ex who rejected you and brought pain into your life. I’m sure you can think of better ways to treat yourself and spend your time. You don’t have to give your ex more power and put your ex in charge of your self-esteem and healing.
Keep in mind that you don’t have to stay away from your ex forever, but you do have to keep your ex out of sight and mind until you’ve stopped fantasizing about being with your ex. As long as you dream about reconnecting with your ex as partners, your expectations are too high to catch up as just friends and ignore or hide your pain and romantic feelings.
In one way or another, your demeanor will reveal that you’re unhappy with the current situation and that you yearn to get back together. Moreover, once your ex discovers your intentions, your ex will feel guilty and uncomfortable and find you less attractive.
You’ll probably beat yourself up over your mistakes and try to apologize, but that too could be a mistake. Apologizing could put you in a position of weakness and smother your detached ex.
Although your ex might not say or do anything bad, it may be better not to take the risk and gamble with your happiness. Instead of taking a shot in the dark, it may be smarter to politely reject catching up and prioritize your healing and growth.
Your ex may not like it, but at least you’ll avoid overwhelming your ex, keep your pride, and continue to leave the past behind. You’ll live on your terms and force your ex to respect you and think about you.
Try not to think of the catch-up as an opportunity to showcase change and improvement. You may have been waiting for your ex to reach out/invite you out, but this isn’t the time to show what you’ve been working on.
Your ex isn’t receptive to your growth just yet.
He or she must first reflect, redevelop feelings, become doubtful, and regret leaving you. Once your ex has taken a romantic interest in you and shown the desire to work with you, you won’t have to brag about your accomplishments, especially internal ones. Your ex will notice them on his or her own simply by talking to you and observing your actions and reactions.
So don’t rush into agreeing to catch up with your ex. Take a moment to consider your ex’s reasons for wanting to reconnect, your emotional readiness, and the potential consequences of conversing with an ex.
You might realize that your ex doesn’t have any feelings and that talking would give you false hope. In other words, it would give your ex what he/she wants at your expense and leave you feeling used and miserable.
Today, we discuss what to do when your ex wants to catch up all of a sudden.
Why does my ex want to catch up?
Your ex may want to catch up for several reasons.
If your ex ran into you in public and came up with the idea of catching up on the spot, your ex probably said it out of courtesy rather than love. He or she expressed interest in continuing the conversation because of something I call reunion rush.
Reunion rush means your ex had been wondering about you for a while and felt excited to converse/catch up. Unfortunately, this excitement probably ended as soon as the conversation did. Your ex saw how you were doing, got the information he or she sought, and felt relieved. He or she didn’t have to feel guilty for walking away and turning your world upside down.
This short-lived excitement is the reason why so many dumpers first propose catching up and later cancel it. They don’t go through with it even though they’re the ones who came up with it. Usually, they state they’re not ready to communicate and that they need space to figure things out.
On the other hand, if your ex made the effort to reach out and express a desire to catch up, his or her motives behind the catch-up are probably premeditated. Your ex also spent a decent amount of time thinking about you, but unlike exes who came up with catching up on the spot, your ex had been wanting to talk for a while.
He or she had likely been missing you and hoped to have a productive conversation. The conversation may not be about getting back together (romantic missing), but your ex reached out intentionally, rather than it being a random encounter. This says a lot about your ex’s perception of you and desire to converse.
All in all, in both cases, the dumper lacks feelings and wants to chat about non-romantic romantic matters. The only difference is that in the random encounter, the dumper feels temporarily excited and is likely to cancel the catch-up or stand you up. That’s because he or she will soon realize that the reason for catching up (excitement) is gone and that it’s been replaced with a need for space.
Keep in mind that your ex wants to catch up due to momentary nostalgia and emotional impulse. He or she won’t feel the same way a few days later or even tomorrow. Most dumpers don’t because they feel fulfilled, relieved, or free of guilt as soon as they’re done talking to their ex.
It’s in your best interest to keep your hopes low and understand that your ex will likely change his or her mind and disappoint you. Look at the invitation to catch up as a friendship invitation and a lack of regret and feelings. That way, you’ll keep your expectations low and recover much quicker.
Having said that, here’s why your ex wants to catch up after breaking up with you.
Should I ever agree to catch up with my ex?
I can’t think of a situation where accepting your ex’s proposal to catch up will actually help you. It may validate you in the moment and give you a sense of control, but it won’t bring you closer to your ultimate goal, which is to get back together with your ex.
All it will do is increase your long-term anxiety and the chance of getting friend-zoned.
Talking to your ex is a breakup mistake, no matter who initiates the conversation or suggests catching up. When the intent is to reconnect merely as two people who share a past, the outcome is automatically limited to friendship. You can’t be more than friends because your ex sees you as someone he or she cares about rather than loves.
Care doesn’t easily turn into love. Not when your ex knows you and perceives you in a certain way.
At the moment, your ex is convinced that you’re unable to fulfill his or her romantic needs and that he or she only wants to catch up for old times’ sake. When it comes to feelings, they haven’t surfaced, otherwise, your ex would have taken a more direct or apologetic approach.
Your ex would have let you know that leaving you was a big mistake and that you’re extremely important to him or her.
Your ex might gain something from catching up, but you won’t, at least not in any meaningful, long-term way. That’s because your ex will quickly satisfy his or her curiosity, obtain forgiveness, and feel validated. You, on the other hand, are more likely to feel emotionally vulnerable, unwanted, unfulfilled, used, confused, and set back in your healing process.
The things your ex shares with you will linger in your mind, leaving you searching for answers you may never find. My advice is to say no to catching up politely. Say that you’d like to catch up, but that you’re not ready for it at the moment and that you’ll let him or her know when you are. This will convey that you need more time to process the breakup and that you don’t want to be friends, friends with benefits, or anything less than partners. Your ex will respect you and think about you more if you resist the temptation to hold onto your ex and seek validation.
Your ex may even wonder if you’re keeping your distance because you’ve met someone new and found true happiness. You don’t need to play jealousy games, but do show that you’re focusing on life ahead of you rather than the past. It could help you look more desirable in the long run.
So don’t agree to catching up with your ex if you’re not ready for anything less than romance. Instead of trying to impress your ex directly, remember that your ex’s wants and needs differ from yours and that it’s time to put yourself first. Putting yourself first includes rejecting your ex’s proposals to catch up and string you along for weeks to come.
You can catch up/be friends later. But only after you’ve detached from your ex, improved your self-esteem, and become unaffected by the pain of hearing that your ex isn’t interested in getting back together.
That’s when you can even reach out yourself and see if your ex is open to catching up or more.
Is your ex expressing a desire to catch up? Did your ex express it spontaneously or calculatedly? Share your ex’s approach and words in the comments below.
However, if you’re looking for help with understanding your ex’s wish to chat, reach out to us. We’ll analyze your ex’s words together and come up with an appropriate response.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
