Men don’t always come back—and neither do women. When they convince themselves you’re the problem or that you’re not emotionally, sexually, behaviorally, or ambitiously compatible, they attach negative beliefs and feelings to your persona and refuse to see you differently. They frequently remind themselves you weren’t the right romantic partner for them and hold on to the negative image of you for dear life.
By doing so, they continue to self-victimize and feel good about leaving the person who wanted nothing but the best for them.
Of course, not all men become resentful or petty (some want friendship or friendship with benefits). But many if not most male dumpers do worsen their opinion of their ex and see their ex as someone they failed with romantically and can’t go back to. They keep their physical and emotional distance from their ex and wish to keep moving forward with their life.
The breakup gives them hope to be free and happy again and find someone who completes them.
So if you’re wondering “Do men always come back,” the answer is no. Oftentimes, there’s too much water under the bridge to repair emotional damage – the effects negative experiences have had on their minds. Although guys are rational creatures, they can’t always brush aside the pain, anger, disrespect, bitterness, and humiliation they suffered because of their ex-partner.
When love runs out and negative feelings pile up, they just want to stay away from their ex and focus on their newfound freedom and happiness. The last thing they want is to spend their limited energy on fixing relationship problems and planning a reconciliation.
When men are done, they see their ex as someone who drains their energy and wastes their time. They consider their ex a matter of the past, and can’t be reasoned with no matter how regretful their ex appears.
In a relationship, you may be able to sweet talk them into saying and doing what you want, but in a breakup, you can’t. You can’t do that because they’re tired of investing in you and feeling that the relationship isn’t working and not making them happy.
The only thing that can make them go back on their decision is life experience, a comparison between the past and the present, and the realization that you’re not the person they made you out to be. Such a realization can bring back their feelings and make them work even harder on the relationship than before.
Sadly, not many men change their beliefs and opinions of their ex. Those who do have the capacity to reflect and admit their flaws and mistakes. They can let go of unhealthy perceptions of their ex, apologize to their ex, ask for another chance, and put themselves in a position to be rejected.
Such men understand that they made a huge mistake and that they need to get their ex’s approval if they want to be happy again.
You need to understand that men come back only when they have no other choice but to come back. They leave a relationship when they’re unhappy and come back to it when they’re unhappy, miserable, regretful, nostalgic, afraid, and incapable of taking care of their wants and needs.
A feeling of love on its own doesn’t bring them back. It’s the negative feelings that make a difference in their thinking. Negative feelings show them the path they’re on is unlikely to lead anywhere and that they’ll stay sad or anxious.
That’s why they get scared and start wondering if leaving their ex was the best for them.
For men to come back after the breakup, something unpleasant and painful must happen. Something that shocks them, scares them, and destroys their ego and pride. When that happens, they quickly improve their opinion of their ex and see their ex as someone who can help them deal with their unwanted feelings.
Whether men come back after the breakup depends on many things, including your relationship and post-breakup behavior, their coping mechanisms, ability to reflect and grow, maturity, and what happens to them when they’re single or with someone else. If someone rejects or dumps them, there’s a much bigger chance that they’ll get hurt and run back to their ex than if they don’t do anything that could evoke pain and reflection.
Dumpers (male or female) must put themselves in situations to get hurt. When they get hurt, it’s up to them how they interpret pain and react to it. If they lack the tools to help themselves, they could breadcrumb their ex and rely on their ex for emotional support or immediately get back with their ex.
Every person responds differently to difficult emotions. But if pain and inconvenience don’t bring your ex back, nothing will. Your ex will probably internalize pain or find different/external methods to relieve stress.
Keep in mind that men come back when they want or need to come back. Usually, it’s the latter. Unpredictable circumstances force them to feel uncomfortable and trigger their desire for love and recognition.
Don’t think that men come back simply because their ex is an amazing person. Their ex being a nice person is just a bonus. Most of the time, they return because their plans fail to materialize, hurt them, and show them they can’t be happy without their ex.
Their failures basically bring out their fears and insecurities and make them think they could once again get love and other positive feelings and benefits out of the relationship.
In this article, we discuss if men always come back and when or why they come back.
Why do some men always come back?
Some men come back multiple times. They realize they miss or love their ex and that they need their ex to be happy. Unfortunately, such men don’t have a fairy tale ending. As soon as they get what they need from their ex, they turn back to their undeveloped selves and let their poor mentality destroy their commitment to the relationship.
They simply aren’t capable and willing to maintain their long-term relationship. Due to the lack of relationship knowledge and skills to deal with difficult emotions, they get overwhelmed emotionally and leave at the first sign of trouble.
Ironically, they also come back for the same reasons. Difficult emotions and the inability to deal with them efficiently cause them to crave security and validation and force them to reconnect with their ex when they need their ex the most.
They claim they love their ex, but in reality, they don’t love themselves and/or need their ex to help them with something. In other words, they see their ex as someone who can help them get what they want or stop feeling unwanted emotions, so they come back to use their ex for various relationship benefits.
Men who return multiple times seldom outgrow themselves and make their relationship work. Usually, they quickly start taking the relationship for granted and handle problems, fears, temptations, anxiety, and other unwanted feelings the same way as before (poorly). They know it’s okay to leave their ex when emotions run high because they’ve done it many times before and never paid the price for it.
When dumpers see that they can come back whenever they want, they lose respect for their (ex)partner. They think they’re the catch and that their partner will always take them back even if they treat him or her poorly. Such convictions decrease their interest in their ex and make it easier for them to leave next time they feel disappointed, hurt, or angry.
I don’t want you to think of men who come back multiple times as ordinary men. Typically, they have a lot of unresolved issues that drive them to seek their ex’s attention, help, and validation. They aren’t happy on their own, so they look for people who can make their lives better.
Normal/healthy guys don’t come back as often as unhealthy ones. They live a healthy life instead and feel in control of their thoughts and feelings.
Mainly, incomplete, codependent, and self-destructive guys return multiple times. Such guys have poor communication skills, lack of maturity, anger issues, self-esteem issues, unresolved childhood issues, drug or alcohol addictions, financial problems, problems finding a quality partner, and unwillingness to grow as partners and individuals.
They keep coming back and leaving over and over again because they need rather than want their ex. They keep messing with their ex until they completely detach and/or find a replacement for their ex. Needless to say, their push-pull behavior destroys their ex mentally and often causes him or her to develop trust issues.
So keep in mind that men don’t always come back. Those who come back multiple times do so because they’re incapable of moving forward without their ex. They try to move on but fail and use their ex as a backup plan. They then obtain validation from their ex, get tired of their ex, and leave for greener pastures.
Why men don’t always come back?
Men don’t always come back because not all men fail miserably and/or depend on their ex for self-love. Many men live normal lives, have decent self-esteem, and don’t see their ex as their savior. Instead, they hold their ex responsible for their problems and resentment and focus on meeting new people rather than revisiting the past.
Even if they fail and get hurt, they understand that their ex can’t give them what they need long-term and that they must help themselves and find someone better to date. Such men rely on anyone but their ex and process negative feelings healthily.
Something must go really, really wrong for them. Something that makes them emotional, triggers their sentimentality, and makes their ex look attractive and important. Not all dumpers get super emotional, worried, scared, anxious, and desperate for connection and love. Many dumpers have avoidant attachment styles or other styles and personalities that allow them to deal with complications and pain confidently and alone.
They don’t run back to their ex the moment something bad happens.
Highly emotional, codependent, insecure, and lonely dumpers are much more likely to miss their ex and want their ex back than unemotional, resentful, unforgiving, and confident ones. Such dumpers value people and experiences more than those who didn’t even say “I love you” and take a single picture when they were with their ex.
This is important to understand so you don’t group all men together and expect them to behave the same way. People vary in many ways. Sometimes something like unresolved traumas from the past can bring them back and make them want to try again.
Other times, fears of commitment, guilt, shame, and other romantic interests prevent them from thinking about their ex and gathering the courage and willpower to invest in their ex again. You could meet 10 guys in a row who don’t believe in getting back with exes and one guy who keeps coming back time after time. Sometimes they return because dumpees refuse to chase and stay busy and other times, because they struggle to love themselves and find purpose.
That being said, here’s why men don’t always come back.
Men’s return partially depends on the dumpee
How good you were as a partner and how you handled the breakup is also important. If you constantly yelled at your partner (when you were together) and threatened or begged your ex to take you back after the breakup, you probably didn’t leave a very good impression on your ex. You probably presented yourself as a mean, controlling, and desperate individual who couldn’t accept unwanted decisions and people’s feelings.
Your behavior is one of the most important preconditions for getting back together with an ex who left you. You need to display positive feelings, qualities, skills, hobbies, and interests if you want your ex-partner to like you and want to be with you.
You shouldn’t expect your ex-boyfriend to come back just because you’re on your best behavior and really want him to. The universe doesn’t work that way. You can only attract people who value your company, energy, investment, and eagerness to connect.
If you’re underdeveloped, you’ll attract someone of similar (emotional) maturity. And if you’re desperate for love, you’ll repulse your ex and attract a person who recently got dumped and/or can’t find a partner.
You could also attract someone decent (maybe even your ex) by complete chance, but that relationship won’t last long because you won’t be equals with similar expectations and reasons for partnership. You’ll want each other for entirely different reasons.
Hence, it’s important to want the same things and feel the same way. You shouldn’t depend on your ex’s recognition and security. To reattract someone who lost feeling for you, you must keep your composure and wait for the power to switch. When that happens, your ex will come to you and do the work that you’re trying to do now.
So mind your behavior and work on your shortcomings. The breakup is a great opportunity for you to grow within. You may not be able to fix the past, but you can evolve and be better prepared for your future relationship with your ex or someone else.
Always remember that men value strength, confidence, acceptance, self-love, and other positive traits and accomplishments. They don’t want you to fight for them and show them you really want to be with them. If you throw away your dignity, they’ll treat you no better than you treat yourself and lose interest in you sooner rather than later.
What’s your opinion on this? Do men always come back? When do they return? Comment below and let us know.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
