Dismissive avoidants may struggle to form or maintain emotional bonds and value autonomy and self-reliance, but despite that, they sometimes come back. It may not be as often as exes who understand and control their emotions, but they still return. Like most dumpees, they do so when they hit a snag, feel sorry for themselves, miss their ex’s support or closeness, and desire safety and a clear purpose only a familiar person can provide.
Dismissive avoidant exes tend to shut down emotionally and push away exes who need them the most. They choose to protect themselves by distancing themselves and seeing the relationship as a nuisance. Oftentimes, they talk badly about their exes and try to make themselves look misunderstood and innocent.
They avoid acting mature and taking responsibility, mainly because they feel overwhelmed by their exes’ “unrealistic” demands and expectations. They consider their exes difficult to deal with, so they pin the blame on them and justify their mean or uncaring behavior. They think they can pull away coldly, refuse to give closure, and respond negatively simply because they feel disrespected, hurt, and pressured.
If you’re wondering whether dismissive avoidants come back, you need to understand that they do. They might appear independent, detached, and aloof, but they nonetheless experience pain and regret, which are catalysts for coming back.
Dismissive dumpers are people, too. They, too, experience fear, insecurity, and uncertainty.
Negative emotions show them that things aren’t going their way and that they’re not in control. The worse they feel and the less prepared they are to deal with their problems, the greater the chance for reflection and the return of old feelings.
Old feelings can resurface when the right conditions are in place.
Conditions such as:
- Unhappiness
- Lack of self-love
- Reflection
- Growth
- Realization
Dumpers, dismissive avoidant or not, must realize that they aren’t happy and that they won’t be happy if they stay on their current path. They must admit that their decisions caused them problems and that those problems won’t go away easily. Oftentimes, the quickest way for them to go away is by going back to their ex, a person they felt safe with.
Their ex can not only take their problems and pain away, but also make them feel needed and validated. Love and reassurance boost the dumper’s ego and self-esteem and help the dumper get what he or she lacks and needs.
Typically, the dumper lacks self-love, becomes nostalgic, and wishes that things would go back to how they were when the relationship was thriving. He or she hopes the dumpee still has feelings and wants to give the broken relationship another chance.
The problem is that dismissive avoidants don’t easily change who they are. Even if they understand where they went wrong and want to do better, they don’t always make significant personal changes and improvements. Many times, they continue to follow their instincts and push away people who like them and get close to them.
Their defense mechanism prevents them from investing emotionally because they subconsciously believe that emotional investments may lead to disappointment.
Many dismissive avoidants felt abandoned or unloved in the past, so they fear getting close and becoming vulnerable. Instead of trusting their partner, they trust only themselves and keep their distance. Distance makes them feel safe, so they tend not to do anything about it.
Those who make changes do some serious thinking and get help. I’m talking about therapy, months of learning about dismissive-avoidant behavior, and understanding the importance of getting rid of their unhealthy tendencies.
Don’t think that dismissive dumpers never come back. They may not depend on others for emotional support as much, but they still face challenges they struggle to resolve. If those challenges are too much for them to handle, they might redevelop feelings and the desire for bonding and commitment.
For this to happen, though, they must:
- understand that they weren’t fair to their ex
- take accountability
- and return the power they stole from their ex
When these three conditions are met, they can reconnect with their ex and perhaps even resolve their dismissive avoidance problems and have a better relationship. They just need to value their ex and want to be in a secure, loving, long-term relationship.
That’s why it’s important to remember that dismissive dumpers return as well. They must first process their need for space, encounter problems, engage in reflection, and realize the dumpee’s worth. Once they see the value their ex brings to the table, they can overcome their dismissive avoidant tendencies (at least momentarily) and run back to their ex for safety, emotional stability, and joy.
So if you’re wondering if dismissive avoidants come back after breaking up with their ex, keep in mind that they do when they fail to secure a happy, stable life for themselves. They become miserable, reflective, and willing to do whatever it takes to stabilize their emotions, direction, and self-esteem. The bigger the issues they face and the less prepared they are to deal with them, the bigger the chance that they engage in meaningful reflection and run back to their ex for recognition and love.
Today, we discuss whether dismissive avoidants ever miss their exes and come back to start a new romantic relationship.
When/why do dismissive avoidants come back?
Dismissive avoidants come back for the same reasons as non-dismissive/avoidant ones. They return when they stop feeling relieved and empowered by the breakup, run into unsolvable problems, experience a loss of confidence and self-esteem, and realize they left an ex who completed them completely or almost completely.
The realization that they took their ex for granted and overestimated their ability to move on and find happiness without their ex allows them to stop feeling angry and repulsed—and makes them curious and nostalgic. If they think about their ex a lot, especially in a positive way, they slowly forgive their ex, feel guilty, and want their ex back in their life as a friend, friend with benefits, or a partner.
They may reach out, apologize, and express or not express their reasons for reaching out.
All in all, they contact their exes and consider coming back when they let go of unhealthy perceptions of their ex and think their ex can help them live a happier, healthier, richer, or safer life. They see their ex a someone they can lean on and benefit from romantically.
Don’t think that your ex, avoidant or not, will come back just because you were together for x number of years, raised kids, took out a mortgage, or went through a lot together. Dumpers don’t come back just because of the nice/bonding experiences they shared with their ex. They come back when their post-breakup plans fall apart and hurt them deeply. Pain prompts reflection, which allows them to reassess their choices and question their happiness.
The only thing that makes dismissive avoidant dumpers’ return different from other dumpers is that they’re used to being alone and independent. They don’t necessarily come back the moment they encounter issues and feel alone. Most of them prefer space to commitment and constant investment as space gives them a sense of power and control. They feel calm, so they think they must continue to avoid tight emotional bonds and focus on safer things.
Things that feel more fulfilling. This can be work, hobbies, ambitions, friends, or anything or anyone who allows them to remain free and in control of their life.
Whether dismissive-avoidant exes come back also depends on their personality and maturity. If they respect their ex and care about him or her, they’re much more likely to come back than exes who resent their ex and blame him or her for their problems and unwanted emotions.
Healthy perceptions, gratitude, or even guilt can make dumpers avoid feeling victimized and urge them to reach out. They can cause dumpers to stop thinking negatively, especially about their ex and cause them to give their ex the credit he/she deserves.
Moreover, reconciliation depends on what they believe or don’t believe. If they believe that relationships don’t deserve second chances or that their ex is responsible for their unhappiness and deserves to suffer, they don’t come back even if their ex handles the breakup like a pro. Their ex’s post-breakup strategy doesn’t make a difference because they’re incapable of letting go of their beliefs and investing in their ex.
Such exes have a fixed mentality and are afraid of letting their ex close to them. They worry that if they let their ex back into their life that their ex will overwhelm them with his or her needs and make them feel uncomfortable, scared, or angry.
Immature exes usually don’t come back, but that’s a good thing. If they were to come back, they’d soon fall into the same patterns, think similar thoughts, and feel the same negative emotions. In other words, they’d detach and find an excuse to leave again. Their departure would wound their hopeful ex and make him or her feel stupid for giving the relationship another chance.
Remember that only exes who understand the importance of growth have a chance at making their new relationship work long-term. Open-minded and self-aware dumpers can change their beliefs and patterns and contribute to a relationship in a healthy, meaningful way. Dismissive, avoidant, scared, insecure, and easily overwhelmed dumpers, on the other hand, run away from problems and make their partner feel responsible for their lack of effort, change, and commitment.
Hence, it’s super important not to open your heart to dismissive avoidant dumpers when it’s clear that they haven’t even started working on themselves. If you accept them back just because they rejected and hurt you, you’ll go through a quick infatuation period where everything feels great, followed by more dismissiveness, confusion, and feelings of unworthiness. Your ex will treat you no better than before the breakup and trigger your urges for more closeness and validation.
We could say that you’ll again get hooked on your ex and stay hungry for love and validation that may never come.
Consider the possibility that you’re highly attached to your dismissive avoidant ex because your ex refused to make you feel secure. His or her lack of reassurance and investment in you likely made you feel neglected and unfulfilled romantically. It’s in your best interest to detach and become happy on your own before you even consider being with someone who failed or refused to give you what you needed. Think about whether you were truly happy and if you’re happy with not being able to change him or her.
Change can occur only when a person recognizes his or her flaws and wants to be a better person. It can’t happen when one person feels unhappy and tries to do all the work for the other.
So if you want to know if dismissive avoidants come back, especially after ghosting or losing their cool, keep in mind that they do when they hit a snag, reflect, and realize they were responsible for the breakup. This realization, followed by pain and desire for stability, can urge them to stop thinking negatively about their ex and start valuing/missing their ex.
This doesn’t happen very often, so it may be best not to keep your hopes up and wait for your ex to reach out and ask for forgiveness. Your ex could even talk to you and apologize without wanting you back. Your ex could just want to clear his or her conscience or settle for friendship.
If that happens, you must consider the reachout a breadcrumb and cut your ex off.
Having said that, here’s when dismissive avoidant dumpers come back.
How often do dismissive avoidants come back?
Dismissive avoidants don’t come back very often. It’s not just their dismissive-avoidant tendencies that make them crave less validation and bonding than other exes, but also because they consider their ex responsible for their suffering. They think their ex made them feel super uncomfortable and forced them to leave, and by doing so, refuse to take accountability for their emotional unreceptiveness/unavailability.
Because they’re used to blaming others for their feelings, they tend to stay as they are maturity/attachment-wise—and avoid engaging in productive thinking. Thinking and changing their opinion of their ex scares them because it forces them to consider giving their ex some of their power back. They prefer to think, feel, and act as they currently do and stay in control of their life.
From my observation, dismissive avoidants come back way less often than other types of exes, especially secure and insecure ones. This is because they tend not to get desperate and learn where their unhealthy patterns come from. They don’t even consider them unhealthy because in their mind, they’re right and others are wrong. People who guilt-trip, overwhelm, anger, or hurt them are automatically responsible for putting them in difficult situations.
They don’t realize they’re the ones who keep creating difficult situations.
Anyway, dismissive avoidants don’t come back as often as dumpees would like them to. Many of them lack the self-awareness necessary for identifying their dismissive avoidance issues and making positive, long-lasting changes. They prefer to point fingers and criticize those who expect “too much” from them. They take their anger out on them and keep them at a distance.
If you’re holding onto hope that your DA ex will return, you need to understand that even if he/she does return, things won’t be easy. Your ex will probably still dislike serious conversations, too much bonding, and spending time together. He or she will continue to prioritize his/her own emotions and keep the relationship on the backburner.
The relationship won’t improve simply because you want it to. It will take effort from both sides to rebuild trust and feel truly fulfilled.
All in all, it’s your life, so feel free to make your own decision about whether to take your dismissive avoidant ex back. Just remember that due to the unlikelihood of engaging in introspection, he or she may not realize your worth and want you back.
Are you still wondering when or if dismissive avoidants come back? We’d love to hear your thoughts, so post your questions and ideas in the comments area below.
However, if you need deeper guidance or assistance in dealing with a dismissive-avoidant ex, don’t hesitate to contact us. Our services are custom-tailored to fit your specific needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
