Can exes be friends without feelings after breaking up? Can they act as if they never dated and broke up?
Most exes can not. They can’t set their personal feelings aside and be “just friends.” Post-breakup friendship is difficult if not impossible for most exes because they have conflicting interests and needs.
Dumpees crave validation, attention, and romance and struggle to communicate on friendly terms. The breakup makes them extremely anxious, sad, invalidated, and depressed. So much so that all they think about is obtaining their ex’s commitment and validation.
In their mind, they relive the breakup hundreds of times and don’t want to downgrade to friendship. Friendship with their ex would imply that they’re detached and happy to support their ex while he or she is dating someone else.
Since they’re not willing to let go of their ex and stick around to see their ex happy with someone else, they can’t be true friends. Real friends support each other and want the best for each other. If dumpees want the best for themselves rather than their ex, there’s a conflict of interest. They shouldn’t pretend to be friends when they still have feelings for their ex.
It’s impossible to cut off feelings. They can act like they’re not hurt and that they have their ex’s best interest at heart. They’d be lying to their ex and themselves and have difficulty moving on and giving their ex selfless advice.
They’d move on much quicker and be much happier and wiser if they started no contact and cut their dumper ex off immediately. Not only would they preserve their worth, but they’d also stop thinking about their ex and prepare themselves for life ahead.
As for dumpers, some can be friends after the breakup. They don’t have feelings, so they can talk to their ex in a friendly manner as long as they let go of the past and their ex acts as just a friend. If their ex hides romantic expectations and ignores his or her feelings, they can friend zone their ex and avoid feeling pressured to invest romantically in their ex.
Such a relationship is very fragile because the moment dumpees cave into anxiety and lose their self-control (express or show the need that they expect more from the friendship than they’re getting), dumpers feel smothered and tempted to push dumpees away. They show that friendship is not something they’re interested in and that they want to be left alone.
Please note that only some dumpers can be friends after the breakup. Most dumpers don’t want friendship because they associate stress and resentment with their ex’s persona. They can’t be anywhere near their ex as they feel empowered by the breakup, annoyed by their ex, and want to experience freedom and independence.
If their ex reaches out to talk about things friends talk about, they feel cornered and disrespected. In retaliation to pain and disrespect, they usually do something that hurts their ex and causes him or her to be even more eager for love and security.
If you’re contemplating being friends without feelings, you need to understand that such a relationship is possible only when both parties lose feelings and don’t want to get back together. Such exes can be friends without feelings, provided they both respect each other and want friendship.
If their interests align, they can chat, talk, or even meet up and do things friends do.
However, just because they can be friends, doesn’t mean they should be friends. They should think about how their friendship will affect them and their current or future partners. They should ask themselves if it’s worth it because it will likely keep them from gaining a better perspective on the relationship, hinder their growth, and confuse their new partners.
On paper, friendship with an ex looks mature and great, but in practice, it’s anything but. Chances are someone will feel judged, overprioritized, insecure, and strange. It may be better to avoid these feelings and complications that could arise because of them.
That’s for you to figure out. But if you ask me, it’s better to let go of exes and be friends with people who see you as a friend, rather than an ex. An ex will always be someone you were romantically involved with. It may be a thing of the past, but try explaining it to someone you love.
He or she won’t like that you’re close to someone you were intimate with. It just doesn’t make sense to hold on to an ex-partner and continue to have a friendship. This isn’t a matter of insecurity. Imagine your partner bonding with an ex, presumably an ex who dumped your ex.
Wouldn’t that make you feel strange, to say the least?
If you ask me, I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t have a close relationship with her exes and doesn’t share our relationship matters with him. If my partner had kids with her ex, that’d be a different story. She wouldn’t stay in touch entirely for herself, so I’d want her to communicate with her ex about things that are in the best interest of her kids.
But if she willingly chose to talk to her ex just because she was friends with him before and didn’t want to let go of him, I’d find it weird and disrespectful.
I get that she had a life before she met me, but her ex belongs in the past just like my exes. If he’s a part of her (daily) life – the present and she’s not willing to see things from my perspective, our views on maintaining a healthy relationship differ too much to work together as a couple.
Occasional communication is okay, I suppose, but going out for drinks and stuff like that is a big no-no for me. Every person should set his or her own boundaries. I urge you to figure out how high you want to set yours.
In this post, we talk about whether exes can be friends without feelings and how friendships affect them.
Can exes be friends without feelings?
The majority of exes can’t be friends after the breakup. They can’t shut off their romantic feelings (dumpees) and hide their resentment and reasons for breaking up (dumpers).
Dumpees crave their ex’s reassurance more than ever after the breakup. They feel unloved and unwanted, so they depend on their ex to fix their broken ego and boost their self-esteem. Many times, they settle for friendship, hoping their ex will notice their romantic potential and take them back.
They forget that lost feelings are extremely difficult to redevelop and that no amount of effort and kindness will change their ex’s mind. Their ex won’t change his or her mind about the relationship only because of friendship and positive feelings. If the dumper feels good with or without the dumpee, the dumper tends to see the breakup as a positive thing.
He or she considers it the solution to his or her unhappiness and pain.
To return, the dumper needs to experience the opposite of happiness. Something or someone must hurt the dumper’s post-breakup expectations and happiness and show the dumper that he or she has made a terrible decision. Such a realization can bring out feelings of regret and cause the dumper to fall back in love with the dumpee.
Dumpees who push for friendship usually do so because they’re scared. They struggle to love themselves due to rejection and separation anxiety, so they cling to their ex and keep their ex in their lives. This doesn’t help them get over the breakup; it merely allows them to rip the bandage off slowly. When they get their strength back and see what friendship with their ex is doing to them, they often tell their ex that friendship isn’t working for them and that they want to be left alone.
Typically, dumpers are the ones who want to be friends with their ex. They respect their ex and feel bad for breaking their ex’s heart, so they ask for friendship and keep an eye on their ex. Holding on to their ex helps them think of themselves as responsible people and eases their guilt.
Sadly, they often don’t really want to be friends. They may offer friendship, but it’s just a consolation offer. Deep inside, they want space and can’t be friends with someone who constantly reminds them of the past and the reasons they chose to leave. The reasons for leaving make them feel uncomfortable and block their ability to feel free and relieved.
You should know that most exes who settle for friendship or try to be friends eventually stop pretending to be just friends. They drift further apart, realize their friendship is not strong and based on common values and interests, and move on with their lives. Those who stay in contact tell themselves that post-breakup friendship is normal or moral and by doing so, complicate their next relationship.
Maybe your next partner won’t have an issue with exes staying friends and might even have exes friends of his or her own, but if you or your ex have feelings for each other, it’s not fair to the attached party (the dumpee) to be friends. A friendship between exes will cause more problems to the dumpee than it will solve.
It will constantly remind the dumpee that the dumper is still interested in talking and that he or she may be able to guide the dumper back into the relationship. Such thoughts will give the dumpee false hope and prolong his or her healing.
So make sure you or your ex (whomever the dumpee is) have no romantic feelings and that you both respect each other and want to be friends. When you’re certain you’re both ready and willing to be friends, you can agree to be friends. Just keep in mind that you likely won’t be each other’s BFFs.
When life gets busy or when a new romantic partner enters your lives, you’ll probably subconsciously or consciously distance yourselves from each other and focus on more important people or interests.
Having said that, here’s why exes typically can’t be friends after the breakup.
It’s not impossible to be friends after the breakup. Exes can transform their romance into friendship, provided they respect each other’s boundaries, give each other time to process difficult emotions, and let friendship develop naturally. If they force each other to be friends when they’re still angry and disappointed with each other, they could bring out the worst in each other and fail at developing a healthy friendship.
How can you know you’re ready to be friends with an ex?
If you want to be friends with your ex, you and your ex both need to be completely over each other. You need to value each other only as friends and be completely transparent. You shouldn’t have, nor hide romantic feelings, fears, and insecurities of getting replaced.
Hence, one of the best ways to know you’re ready to be friends with your ex is to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you still feel anything for your ex and why you want to be friends with your ex. If you want to be friends with your ex because you’re lonely and miserable, those aren’t good reasons to seek friendship.
If your ex finds other things to focus on and stops being your friend (which is likely to happen), you could get hurt and blame your ex for abandoning you twice. Loneliness, fears, insecurities, pain, and other unpleasant feelings are not signs that you’re ready to be friends. They’re signs that you’re not happy on your own and that you have things to work on.
When you want friendship with your ex because you think it adds value to your life rather than eliminates pain and guarantees happiness, you can see if your ex feels the same way about you. Simply say you’re ready to be friends and that you’re wondering if your ex is too. Make sure to talk about what friendship means and how you intend to maintain it.
Another way to know if you’re ready for friendship with an ex is to learn how you feel about your ex dating someone else. If you’re happy for your ex and want to give him or her support and good advice, you’re probably detached and emotionally ready to be a friend. You see your ex as a friend rather than someone who can fulfill your emotional needs.
So if you’re wondering if friendship with an ex is for you, figure out how your ex makes you feel and how you make your ex feel. If you both lost feelings for each other, you can be friends if that’s what you really want. You likely won’t be friends for long, but that’s something you’ll deal with later.
All in all, exes can be friends without feelings if they’re over the breakup and see the positives in being friends. As long as they want the same non-romantic things from each other, they can ignore relationship and breakup topics and remain in each other’s lives only as friends.
Let us know what you think about exes staying friends after the breakup. Do you agree that there’s often too much hostility between them for them to simply be friends? We’d like to hear what you think about this topic, so share your experiences in the comments below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
