Breaking Up Because Of A Lack Of Intimacy

If you’re breaking up because of a lack of intimacy (sex), your relationship couldn’t outlast the disconnection caused by a lack of bonding and closeness. You tried to make it work without it, but eventually, other things or people became a priority and made you and your partner drift further apart.

You essentially focused on non-relationship matters and by doing so, neglected the relationship and your love for it. Had you realized the importance of bonding sooner, you would have been able to talk about the lack of intimacy, understand each other’s reasons for not being intimate, become more intimate, or feel fulfilled in other, perhaps less or non-sexual ways.

Sex isn’t the most important part of a healthy relationship. Communication, values, beliefs, and goals are way more important than sex. They determine whether couples get along and how likely they are to resolve problems and stay together during difficult times.

Sex is a form of language that connects you and your partner. It can temporarily ease difficult emotions, make you feel euphoric, and erase some of the recent problems. It can’t, however, save the relationship from deeper problems such as cheating, lying, stonewalling, and a lack of attraction and direction.

Some couples rely on sex alone to deal with problems and bonding, but that’s not a good idea. If someone gets in an accident or experiences a hormonal imbalance, the other person could feel disconnected and misunderstood. He or she could run out of ways to deal with conflicts and consider a lack of sex a dealbreaker.

Hence, couples need to rely on communication to resolve relationship problems. They need to express their gratitude and commitment verbally and show love and respect non-verbally. If they can do that successfully, they can overcome any obstacle life throws at them.

Over-reliance on sex for dealing with problems and bonding, on the other hand, makes them too dependent on sex and prevents their communication skills from developing and fixing difficulties.

A lack of intimacy in a relationship requires a ton of understanding. It requires the person with a bigger sexual drive not to feel rejected by the less sexual partner’s urges and to sympathize with him or her. Likewise, the less sexual person must be understanding and supportive of his or her partner’s higher sexual needs and encourage his or her partner to relieve them in any way necessary.

Any way except cheating, of course.

It would certainly help them bond and stay together if they participated in each other’s sexual activities. They don’t have to engage in sex with their sex organs if they don’t feel like it (sorry for putting it that way), but they can help each other in other sexual ways. They just have to want to do it.

Most people will be okay with that because they’ll see that their partner finds them attractive and wants to make them feel good.

Sex brings couples closer by giving them a feeling of connection. So even if you don’t have sex with your partner, supporting your partner when he or she does the thing him/herself could be beneficial for the relationship. It could prevent misunderstandings and thoughts that you’re not compatible partners.

It could help your partner feel sexually fulfilled until you’re ready to have sex with him or her.

So if you’re breaking up because of a lack of intimacy, figure out why you (as a couple) weren’t intimate. What or who caused you to stop being intimate often enough for the relationship to stop flourishing?

Were you too tired, stressed, depressed, or resentful toward each other? Did you have sexual dysfunctions or traumas from past sexual experiences? Was there another person you were more attracted to? Did the relationship have unresolved issues that prevented you from trusting and loving each other? Or were your sexual desires just too different from each other?

If they were completely different (let’s say someone wanted to have sex multiple times a day whereas the other person only wanted sex once a week), sex probably became a chore (a stressful expectation) for the less sexual person and caused a rift between you and your partner.

We could say you were sexually incompatible and incapable or unwilling to compromise to the point where you could relax and enjoy the relationship. It’s not just the amount of sex that causes stress and overwhelm. It’s the kind of sex people want. Fetishes and a lack of consideration for the other person can be offputting as well.

They can make the other person feel sexually unattracted or even repulsed.

Couples must talk about their sexual urges and the things they like or don’t like. By talking about intimacy, they can feel more understood before sex and pleased during and after sex. The more they express their expectations, the smaller the chances that they get disappointed or even offended when their partner does something they don’t like.

I’m not saying everything should be clearly expressed and written like a contract. Sex can be more exciting when it’s unpredictable and different. In my opinion, it helps spice things up if it occasionally happens in different places and different ways.

But when couples don’t have sex due to internal or external problems, they should talk about them and get to the root cause of their lack of intimacy. Different expectations can be resolved with understanding, gratitude, and bonding.

Keep in mind that a lack of sex is seldom the main cause of the problem (separation). Normally, it’s different expectations, mental or physical health problems, cheating, poor communication, relationship problems, and built-up anger and resentment.

Couples don’t look for the issues behind their lack of bonding and do something about them, so naturally, they fall out of love and leave when they’ve exhausted the relationship and found someone better to date.

Today’s article is for couples who are breaking up because of a lack of intimacy. We explain why the breakup happened and what they can do now and in their next relationship.

Breaking up because of a lack of intimacy

We often use sex as a synonym for intimacy, but there are many types of intimacy. There’s emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, experimental intimacy, and other less-known types of intimacy. Intimacy, in general, is important because it helps us form deep connections with our partners and releases oxytocin and serotonin in our brains.

In other words, we feel and live better due to intimacy. We sleep longer, feel more connected, think clearer, and get along better. If we have an intimate relationship with our partner, we’re more likely to work things out with our partner when difficulties arise. We’re less susceptible to doubts and temptations.

So if you’re breaking up because of a lack of intimacy, figure out what kind of intimacy your relationship is missing. Learning what’s missing won’t help you get back together with your partner because your partner has become resentful and/or determined to stay broken up and won’t listen to your reasoning.

But it will help you improve the thinking/behavioral patterns that led to a lack of intimacy and disconnection. If your partner was the reason you weren’t intimate, you still have some work to do.

Learn what you could have done to make your partner feel understood and encouraged (not forced) to be intimate. Maybe if you expressed yourself better and showed concern, your partner would have felt safer and less pressured to meet your expectations.

You both had a mutual responsibility to grow and maintain intimacy. If you didn’t, it means that you failed as a couple and had no choice but to break up. It was better to break up than to stay in an intimacy-less relationship for ages.

If things could be fixed, that’s another story.

But clearly, the dumper didn’t think it was possible or worth trying to fix the relationship. He or she had developed negative perceptions of the relationship (and probably the dumpee as well) and decided to throw the relationship away.

Throwing it away allowed him or her to focus only on him/herself, pursue his or her goals, and preserve energy and emotions. It became the only logical thing left to do after getting tired of feeling unfulfilled and pressured to stay committed.

Couples should always work on their intimacy, not just when they first meet each other and feel excited. They should keep in mind that a lack of investment in each other will sooner than later lead to separation and various post-breakup hindrances.

Relationships require constant work. This includes communication, reflection, and intimacy of all kinds. Constant investment helps couples bond and feel stronger as a couple.

So whether you’re breaking up due to a lack of physical intimacy (sex) or some other type of intimacy, bear in mind that you either weren’t compatible, didn’t know how to maintain the relationship (lacked maturity and relationship skills), or weren’t willing to put the work in.

Most couples break up due to a lack of intimacy because they take their relationship for granted, put their relationship on autopilot, and don’t do what they need to do to bond and feel fulfilled as a couple. They expect their lack of intimacy to resolve itself and wait for the breakup to happen.

You need to understand that a lack of intimacy is a problem that needs solving. Just like misunderstandings and conflicts need work, you need to prioritize looking for solutions and fixing them before they grow into resentment and unresolvable incompatibilities. Your job as a partner is to talk about the lack of intimacy, suggest solutions, and be open to your partner’s ideas.

A compromise is usually somewhere in the middle. It’s reached when both parties make concessions and assure each other they’re on the same side.

Having said that, here’s why you’re breaking up because of a lack of intimacy.

What should I do if I broke up because of a lack of intimacy?

If you couldn’t avoid breaking up because of a lack of intimacy, it’s too late to try to be intimate with your ex now. Your ex has already detached and lost feelings and despises the idea of being intimate with you. He or she probably feels repulsed by it and would rather start a new relationship with someone else than go back to you and spend energy and time fixing problems he or she gave up on.

As a dumpee, you shouldn’t do anything directly with your ex. The relationship with your ex has ended and needs to rest for a while. If you contact your ex and tell your ex you’re ready to be more intimate, your ex won’t take you seriously. He or she won’t change his or her mind about you even if you end up having sex and make your ex feel good.

Intimacy is important, but it’s not enough to reconcile. When love runs out, your ex needs to have an epiphany – a realization that he or she isn’t happy and won’t be happy unless he or she gets back with you. Your ex basically needs to see that the grass isn’t greener, become regretful, and crave your closeness again.

This will happen not when you want it to but when your ex’s expectations fail and hurt his or her self-esteem and well-being.

So don’t bother being more communicative and intimate with your ex. It won’t make your ex feel more understood (how your ex wanted to feel when you were together). It will make your ex feel trapped and disrespected and urge him or her to run away from you and avoid dealing with issues from the past.

This isn’t the time to fix things with your ex. It’s time to resolve your personal issues and make sure not to make the same mistakes in the future. A lack of intimacy is a serious matter. If you intentionally or unintentionally withdrew attention, affection, or sex, you have to learn why you did that and why you mustn’t do it again.

It will help your future relationship, whether it’s with your ex or someone else.

Even though you’re dedicated to improving yourself (or maybe you’ve already improved the things you needed to improve), you can’t just walk up to your ex and express or show it to your ex. Your ex must first process the separation, let go of the past, and see you as a suitable romantic partner.

He or she must be willing to work on him/herself and the lack of intimacy that caused the separation.

When that happens, your ex will take the initiative, ask for another chance, and want to be intimate with you. You won’t have to persuade your ex to give the relationship another chance because your ex will want it more than you. Your ex will be receptive to you and eager to obtain your validation and support.

So if you’re breaking up because of a lack of intimacy, stay away from your ex and let your ex realize your worth. Everything will fall into place on its own when your ex regrets dumping you and wants you back.

Did you break up due to a lack of intimacy? What was the cause of the breakup? Share your story below the post.

And if you’re looking for a coach to guide you through your breakup, visit our coaching page and get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.