People (especially exes) hate confrontations. They hate being told or reminded they did something wrong and that they need to fix it and be better people. Dumpers are done with the relationship and feel smothered by your presence, hence why they don’t want anything to do with you.
They just want to be left alone and not feel guilty for putting themselves before you.
If you confront your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend about lying, cheating, manipulating, monkey-branching, and treating you badly, you won’t encourage your ex to be a better person. You’ll just pressure your ex and see how your ex reacts when he or she feels stressed and accused of things (even if those accusations are true).
For your ex to take your criticism seriously, your ex would have to respect you and feel guilty for hurting you. He or she would also have to consider your approach respectful (not confrontational) and have the ability to acknowledge mistakes and the drive to self-invest.
Depending on how your ex perceives you and how developed your ex is, your ex could react strongly or not so strongly. A reaction from your ex would tell you that your ex is negatively affected by the breakup and/or that you have at least some control over the situation.
It would empower you and make it easier to deal with the rejection and pain that ensued.
So if you’re wondering if you should confront your ex about lying, cheating, using you, or anything negative he or she did directly to you or behind your back, think twice before confronting your ex.
A confrontation might indeed feel good at the moment as it will let you unleash your fury on your ex, but it will also create other problems in the process.
Some of those problems are:
- destroy your ex’s remaining respect for you
- annihilate the chances of getting back together
- stop you from doing the morally right thing
- prevent you from growing as a person
- make you think that confronting an ex and people who hurt you is the best way forward
An ex is an ex. There are very few if any benefits to confronting him or her about the relationship that no longer exists. I know you want answers but getting closure forcefully (by confronting your ex) isn’t the solution. It’s something that will hurt your ex and most likely bring a negative reaction out of your ex.
That reaction will strongly (but temporarily) empower you and make you feel that you can stop caring about your ex and move on. In reality, it will make you more emotionally dependent on your ex for power and hinder your healing process.
The confrontation will make you think that you messed up and that your ex won’t forgive you and like you ever again.
Although you want to think the relationship is over for good, you don’t want to think that before you’re capable of letting go of your ex.
Detachment happens in phases. You probably won’t be able to go from wanting to be with your ex to confronting your ex and not wanting anything to do with him or her. It will probably take some time to accept the breakup and give up on wanting to reconcile with your ex.
So if you’re not ready to give up on your ex or if you can’t handle a negative reaction from your ex, don’t confront your ex about his or her actions and behavior. Instead, remember that your ex did bad things to you because of cowardice and a lack of morals and care.
You can’t do anything to change those things. Your ex is the only one who can do something about them.
In this post, we talk about whether you should confront your ex about lying, cheating, and taking you for granted.
Things your ex might do when confronted
If you confront your ex about the things he or she did to you during or after the breakup, your ex will probably take it personally and react negatively to your confrontation. Your ex will feel offended and attacked (especially guys – they often do) and try to get back at you for making his or her life difficult.
Your ex will:
- blame you for ruining the relationship
- point out your flaws
- attack your weaknesses
- call you names
- delete/block you
- spread rumors about you
- and show you that love is completely gone
There’s no telling what your ex could do when he or she is confronted about cheating, lying, and underappreciating your efforts and commitment. But when you confront your ex, one thing is for certain. Your ex will perceive it as an attack and do something you don’t like.
Something that:
- hurts you
- angers you
- humiliates you
- confuses you
- reopens your emotional wounds
- makes you question your worth and direction in life
- makes you crave your ex’s validation
What your ex does also depends on how strong and direct you are. If you accuse your ex of cheating on you and you call your ex a liar or a player, your ex won’t like that one bit. Even if it’s true, your ex will feel insulted and say or do something to defend himself or herself and hurt you.
You must remember that exes absolutely detest being confronted. Confrontations make them feel trapped, which is why they prefer to distance themselves from their ex and focus on things that give them positive vibes. By distancing themselves, they can focus on themselves and forget about their immoral deeds.
Should I confront my ex about lying/cheating?
If you’re thinking of confronting your ex to teach your ex a lesson, you should forget about it right now. Your ex won’t learn any valuable lessons and do things differently now or in the future. Your ex will just feel attacked and humiliated—and might decide to defend himself or herself.
How your ex engages in self-defense is anyone’s guess, but if your ex hurt you once, chances are he or she is going to hurt you this time too. Your ex will think you’re trying to put him or her down and make yourself look better than him/her.
Your ex won’t understand you’re just trying to get answers and feel better. Dumpers tend not to understand how dumpees feel. That’s why they take things personally, get upset easily, and make the dumpee’s recovery phase a living hell on Earth.
If you don’t want your ex to damage your self-esteem and reset your healing, I urge you not to confront your ex. If your ex cared about you and wanted to help you, your ex would have shown you care and support by now. Your ex would have made sure not to hurt you or at the very least apologize for hurting you.
Since your ex didn’t do that, don’t try to make your ex apologize and take accountability. This isn’t the time to reach out and get answers from your ex. It’s time to pull away from your ex and deal with anger and hurt feelings on your own.
You must admit that your ex doesn’t want to help you and can’t help you. An apology would certainly help, but you won’t get it through coercion. On the contrary, you’ll hurt your ex, anger your ex, and force your ex to tell you how it was all your fault that you’re in this situation.
Yes, every dumper reacts differently to confrontation, but most of them react negatively. They feel overwhelmed, judged, and annoyed—and don’t think twice before showing their ex how they feel (and don’t feel).
So if your plan is to feel loved and cared for and/or if you want to get your ex back with the power of confrontation, know that you most likely won’t succeed. You may look tough for confronting your ex, but you definitely won’t make a positive impression on your ex.
Your ex will see it as a bad attitude and might decide to punish you by retaliating with a bad attitude.
Here are 6 reasons why you shouldn’t confront your ex about lying, cheating, manipulating, or wasting your time.
Confronting your ex about cheating or lying is something you want to do for yourself to boost your sense of control and feel better. It doesn’t help your ex at all. It just makes your ex see that you’re bitter and not ready to accept the breakup and move on.
Your ex probably feels victimized and tired of staying in a relationship with you. Your ex is unreceptive to your criticism and suggestions and will probably show you that when you try to make your problems his/hers.
You can avoid getting into a nasty fight with your ex by understanding that you can’t change the past and that you shouldn’t try to change the present. Your ex should be apologizing, explaining things, and helping you not blame yourself for the breakup.
If your ex isn’t doing that, you shouldn’t be confronting your ex. There’s no point in doing that because it will make things worse for your healing and personal development.
A confrontation is essentially a bad method for easing anger and hatred as you make sure your ex gets hurt and understands that he or she has hurt you first.
It’s for you to say and believe “It was my ex’s fault, not mine!”
That may be true, but do you really need to tell your ex that? Can you not think of any less vengeful and ex-involving methods to cool off and feel understood?
If you can’t, maybe I can give you some ideas.
What you should do instead of confronting your ex?
Instead of confronting your ex, you should channel your anger and frustration into productive action. Focus on your friends and family or engage in activities that give meaning to your life. They will help you process the breakup quicker and give you positive things to look forward to.
You need to realize you don’t need your ex to move on. Your brain might be telling you differently, but the reality is that you just want to heal and not feel used. You’re secretly looking for ways to get over the mistreatment and find inner peace.
Well, know that you can heal properly and quickly by staying as far away from your ex as possible. Distance will let you see just how good it feels to be free and emotionally independent.
A good way to give up on confronting your ex and getting your ex out of your system is to start the notorious no contact rule, called the indefinite no contact rule. This self-imposed rule will help you take the attention off your ex and put it where it’s needed.
And after the breakup, it’s needed on you. Don’t focus directly on your pain and how you wish you didn’t suffer so much, but do acknowledge that your ex has caused you suffering. Once you’ve done that, also make a promise to yourself that you won’t show your ex any emotional vulnerability.
This means you won’t get confrontational with your ex and try to make your ex own up to his or her mistreatment.
Instead, show that you haven’t put your life on hold for your ex and that you have what it takes to resist difficult emotions that tell you to confront your ex.
If you stay away from your ex, you won’t just impress your ex as much as you possibly can, but you’ll also be proud of yourself for remaining strong and in control of your emotions.
If you need to get things off your chest, vent to a therapist or a friend. Just don’t confront your ex because your emotions are no longer your ex’s problems. Your ex stopped caring about them a long time ago.
Are you wondering, “Should I confront my ex about lying/cheating?” Why do you think you and dumpees typically want to confront their ex? Share your experiences below and let me know if you have any questions. I know some of you have confronted your ex about cheating and monkey-branching, so let me know how that went.
And lastly, if you’d like to talk to me about confronting your ex, sign up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I wish I had found this article sooner. Through a mutual friend, I found out that my ex had lied to me about his intentions throughout the relationship. I broke my no contact streak to send him a mean text about it (and apologized once I calmed down). He ignored both the mean text and my apology and left me on read, but didn’t block me. I regret my behavior and definitely won’t do this in future relationships.
Hi Jess.
Work on your self-control and avoid reaching out again. Your ex may have done horrible things, but you shouldn’t contact him anymore. As an ex, you need to cut him off completely and show him you’ve regained control over your emotions.
Sincerely,
Zan
in my case, he cheated on me and i found out about it 2 weeks after the break up. i had to confront him so he knows that i know what a piece of shit he is/was! cuz he was blaming me for the break up saying hes the best guy i could ever have and that he cared and tolerated me like no other, and was so honest and loyal to me and i ruined it all. and his response was ” lol yes i did that and i did more cheating things, because i stopped loving you months ago and u kept me with u by force” what kinda excuse is that seriously? he cheated on me 5 months before the break up and continued doing so till the very end.
Hi Elle Mar.
Your ex gave him more credit than he deserved. Guys often think they’re doing a good job in a relationship for tolerating their partner. They don’t know that relationships require them to change as people so they don’t have to just put up with unwanted thoughts and feelings. Guys who endlessly “put up” with their partner’s behavior tend to become resentful and emotionally burn out.
What your ex said was despicable. No guy of high value will ever say anything like that. Someone who understands himself and has control over his life (especially emotions) will thank you for the relationship and acknowledge his mistakes and shortcomings.
I fear he might have some narcissistic tendencies.
Kind regards,
Zan
hi zane,
He is definitely a narcissist , ive known it since a long time and tolerated it for too long cuz i loved him, also my close friends kept telling me that he has a god complex and he enjoys having power over people and that he is a narc.
what he had to tolerate was me doubting him most of the time, get so jelly when he talks to girls, used to get grumpy when girls speak to him, cuz i have trust issues. and he used to get so mad cuz of it, but in the end i was right, he was cheating.. or did i make him cheat cuz of doubting him all the time? i dont think i did, i mean if a person is against cheating there is no force on earth that would make them go so low and cheat..
Hi Elle.
You didn’t make him cheat, so don’t question yourself. The guy didn’t respect you and ease your doubts and anxiety, so things stayed unhealthy. He didn’t care about the pain he was causing you because he had too much power and thought you were insecure. In reality, he just lack relationship experience and maturity.
Best regards,
Zan
I agree with Doug. There’s absolutely no point putting yourself thru it. What does it achieve? It won’t change things. You don’t need to rely on your ex to give you answers or to help you move on. I looked for answers and realised I am the only one to answer them, heal and find closure myself. Dragging up all the reasons may result in setbacks after a period of nc. You just need to let go and move on by yourself. It’s the best way. Believe in nc
Hi Jaytee.
I completely agree with you and Doug. The relationship has ended, so what’s the point in confronting the dumper? It will only annoy him and make him fight back.
When the dumper calls it quits, the best and easiest way to find answers and heal is through self-reflection, introspection, determination, and hard work. Your ex has very little to offer that would help you get through a breakup quicker.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thank you for your article, it challenged me quite a bit. To be honest with you, even if I agree for most part, I am still unsure about some elements of it, which I think come out to what you define as “confrontation”.
For example, if your now-ex broke up for XYZ reasons, and you are told by other sources that it was actually ABC, would you classify asking for clarification on the situation as confrontation ? Same for ghosting, would you consider a follow-up message as confrontation (“Hey haven’t heard from you for a while, is everything alright ?”) ? Or would you say it happens when you cross the boundary of the other person (saying for example “you are a liar for telling me ABC, I knew you were not trustworthy, etc.) ?
Many thanks !
Benoit
Hi Benoit.
Confrontation and asking for explanations (closure) during the breakup or right after aren’t the same thing. The former is forceful and the latter is a much less accusational approach. Still, if the dumper doesn’t want to talk to you, you shouldn’t try to force him to. This is true whether your ex ghosted you, ignored you, blocked you, or simply seems angry and unreceptive.
A follow-up message isn’t confrontational in nature (unless you demand things), but it is considered a pressuring breakup mistake that should be avoided at all costs.
I hope this clears things up. Thanks for the comment!
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan ;
Thanks for your insights. Being more on the avoidant side of the spectrum, I totally see where you are coming from. Giving space is not the part I am struggling with.
I should explain the situation which leads to the emotional turmoil : the bridesmaid of one of my friend’s fiancé came very strong on me then went away for a few weeks trip away. When she came back, she told me she was seeing someone else and asked me to keep it secret to which I agreed and went no contact. 3 days later, I was on a trip with my friend and his fiancé, and they mentioned the bridesmaid was single after breaking up.
This situation made absolutely no sense : why would I have been given information her bestfriend did not know (was she trusting me so much?) or was she lying on something so petty and obvious I learned the truth literally 3 days (but then why coming on so strong) ? Asking for clarification would be a break of trust. All I had was feeling disrespected, -indirectly- trapped, and anxious.
I chose to trust her but that was the bad decision. Honestly, without a follow-up message few months later, I don’t know how I could have understood the situation : there was actually a third guy in the picture and she was actually completely self-absorbed (she lied, wanting to keep our “special connection”- i.e. a back-up plan). Except monitoring my anxiety level more closely and cutting the person off when above a certain threshold, I don’t yet see anything else than a follow-up text that could have helped me to understand the situation. I am grateful nevertheless, since I would have never worked on myself otherwise (and accept that everyone has needs).
Best,
Benoit
Hi Benoit.
If people are receptive, you can always reach out to them and talk civilly about the situation. They should give you the information you’re looking for. If not, then you’re more than free to come up with your own story, based on what you know and assume.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thank you for your insights, I appreciate them. I concur with your line of thoughts. If I am honest with myself, a part of me did not want to ask: I did not want to loose the thrust in the other person and be disappointed. Relationships do not work that way.
Best regards,
Benoit
Hi Benoit.
I understand your reasons for not wanting to ask. You didn’t want to receive a bad reaction. As long as you’re okay!
Sincerely,
Zan
There is absolutely no point in confronting someone who simply doesn’t care about you or what used to be your relationship. They could have betrayed you in the most terrible ways and it’s still a waste of time to bring it up. Elvis has left the building
You’re right, Doug!
There’s no point in talking to an ex. If you got closure (or if your ex didn’t want to give it to you), you can heal without the help of your ex. Confronting an ex usually hurts dumpees more because dumpers react badly to it.
Kind regards,
Zan
She went into a relationship right away within couple of weeks after break up. In the last few weeks before the break up, she hid her phone once, kept insisting that I trust her, looked a little distant and didn’t give me proper reasons or closure, so I just requested it if I did anything wrong apart from the argument we had but in the texts after the break up, she all of a sudden mentioned that she was unhappy and she doesn’t want to talk about the break up until few years down the line. All of this confused me as she went into a relationship with her friends’ friend, so I requested to be honest as she has nothing to lose then she replied that she wasn’t talking to him while in relationship, when I asked her how come she never mentioned this new person she met but she mentioned all others? I got no answer and she dodged the question of where she met him while being in the relationship. All she said ” I’m done, good bye”. That triggered anger in me as she wasn’t being honest after all the extreme pain and confusion she put me through and I confronted her in few short burst texts. I thought I would be blocked, but I was not. I apologized for that behavior but she is silent and doesn’t want to respond to my request of some sentimental gifts that should be returned. I wonder why she would not block me, even though she said she would, a month before that.
Hi Sunny.
She hates being confronted because she knows she behaved immorally. By the looks of it, she’d met this guy while she was still with you. That’s the most feasible explanation for her moving on with someone new so quickly. Whenever you bring this up, she gets angry because she doesn’t want to think of herself as a cheater. She wants to accept other reasons for the relationship ending, such as you not making her happy. This is typical cheater behavior. I hope you regain your strength quickly!
It seems that she’s calmed down a bit and that she doesn’t want to block you right now. She might do that when she stops feeling bad about what she did.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex did not have the courage to ask for a breakup or a divorce,
She showed a new self of hers when she got infatuated with her new relationship and tossed 24 years together,
I asked if there is another person she denied
So I had to find out on my own.
I confronted her and she put the blame on me as she could not deny her cheating
It was easier on the first days than a few weeks later.
It is way better now, I am living a second life and feel younger than ever.
Still sad about my divorce but confident, a true better version of me and very active and positive.
Life is great if you look for greatness
Hey Nick, thank you for sharing your story. I guess it must have been a very difficult situation, to navigate between your trust in her, the relationship, and yourself. Happy to hear you are doing great now !
Hi Nick.
Sorry to hear she threw away 24 years of marriage because of some other guy. She completely fell for infatuation and destroyed the bond she had with you. She did this just to feel excited and loved again. Things will get better, Nick. Don’t let her affect your self-esteem because cheating is on her. It’s got nothing to do with who you are and what you do or did.
Sincerely,
Zan