Exes often talk about their past relationships even months after the breakup. Sometimes, they simply mention their exes’ names, while other times, they go out of their way to trash-talk them and portray themselves as victims. They want their friends, family members, coworkers, or even strangers to take their side and give them reassuring advice and support.
Their advice empowers them and helps them move forward with a clean slate.
Talking about exes, especially in a negative way, benefits dumpees and dumpers in different ways. For dumpees, it helps relieve separation anxiety and post-breakup fears, while for dumpers, it allows them to paint a black picture of their ex and absolve themselves of any (moral) responsibility. They get to emotionally distance themselves from their ex and focus on themselves or others without any guilt or shame.
When exes talk about each other frequently, it’s a sign that they still feel hurt. Dumpees typically lack the strength and power to be angry, so they internalize their pain as much as possible. Dumpers, on the other hand, feel angry and in control, so they feel the need to express their anger to those who listen. Their goal is to make their ex look responsible for the breakup and pretend like they had no choice but to protect themselves and terminate the relationship.
If your dumper ex is still talking about you, you’re clearly on his or her mind a lot. Your ex feels the need to share the bad experiences with others to help process some of the pain. Talking, sharing, complaining, and reliving the past on his or her terms allows your ex to self-victimize and change the narrative. The more your ex does that and the more people empathize with his or her story, the more your ex believes that you’re the problem and that he or she needn’t worry about your feelings and concerns.Top of FormBottom of Form
Dumpers reframe the situation to fit their emotions and needs. They do it to further empower themselves and avoid entertaining thoughts that suggest that maybe, just maybe, they contributed to the breakup as well. If they were to think they were selfish and made mistakes that hurt their ex badly, there’s a decent chance they’d feel bad and be forced to take accountability. That would make them worry about their ex instead of themselves and hinder their feelings of relief and elation.
As you probably know, dumpers feel good and want to keep feeling good after the breakup. They finally get a break from a relationship and feel independent, so they want things to stay that way. An independent lifestyle gives them control and freedom, helping them move away from their ex and toward things they want to move toward. They don’t have to feel stuck like their abandoned, love-deprived ex.
Unlike their ex, they get to keep moving forward, exploring their life, and perhaps even dating someone else. The longer they took to leave their ex and the more suffocated they felt at the end of the relationship, the bigger their urge to physically and emotionally step away from their ex. When they feel happy without their ex and uncomfortable at the thought of interacting with their ex, let alone being with their ex, they stay away from their ex and occasionally reinforce their negative thinking. They do this by opening up to people who support the breakup and validate their decisions and feelings.
A little bit of talking about you is okay, as it probably doesn’t mean anything. Your ex likely just associates the people he or she speaks to with you and thinks that it’s perfectly reasonable to bring you up once in a while. By talking about you, your ex gets to tell his side of the story, gain support from his friends, and perhaps even learn new things about you.
Both dumpees and dumpers get curious once in a while. They want to know how their ex is doing and if he or she is dating anyone. Although they usually don’t want to see that their ex is happy and dating again, they often can’t resist asking questions that are likely to hurt, offend, sadden, or disrespect them. They’re too curious about their ex’s new life to mind their own business and avoid seeking answers that affect their self-love.
So if you’re wondering why your ex still talks about you, know that it’s perfectly normal and expected. If the breakup happened recently, you’re still on your ex’s mind a lot. Your ex is either looking for emotional support or convincing him/herself and others that the breakup needed to happen.
Whether your ex is a dumpee or a dumper, your ex will keep talking about you even years from now. It may not be as often and in the same manner, but if you got to know each other quite well and later broke up (experienced all kinds of thought-provoking emotions), you can expect your ex to keep talking about you for years to come. You’ll never fully disappear from your ex’s mind, especially if your relationship was memorable for good or bad reasons.
The relationship left a lasting impression on your ex and won’t erase itself from your ex’s head.
You should accept your ex’s interest in your life, or better yet, avoid learning new things about your ex. The best way to do that is to cease all contact with your ex, ask friends not to talk about your ex, and unfollow your ex on social media. If you block unnecessary information regarding your ex out of your life, you won’t know, nor care, whether your ex thinks, talks, or dreams about you. Your ex’s gossip won’t occupy your mind, let alone bother you.
You’ll simply focus on yourself and people or things that truly matter.
In this article, we’ll talk about why dumpees and dumpers talk about their exes after the breakup. Once you’ve read it, feel free to share your thoughts.
Why does my dumper ex talk about me?
When dumpers talk about the person they left, it’s seldom because they’re still in love and regret leaving. Most of the time, they still feel connected to their ex, either because the breakup is still fresh, their lives are intertwined through kids or shared responsibilities, or they’re trying to ease a guilty conscience.
They feel bad or curious about their ex, so they reach out or ask friends and family for updates on their ex. They hope that their ex is doing okay and that they’ll be able to forgive themselves for breaking their ex’s heart and/or treating him or her badly. If they forgive themselves and clear their image, they can forget about their ex for a while and prioritize their own wants and needs.
Those who don’t need to forgive themselves talk about their ex because they blame their ex for their negative thoughts, emotions, and re/actions. They hold their ex responsible for their problems and look for external validation. Usually, they tell people close to them how poorly their ex treated them and why it was necessary for them to get rid of the burden.
Negative talks like that urge people to support them unconditionally and validate their feelings and choices. Dumpers may not be devastated by the breakup and in love with their ex, but they still have to process the breakup. They have to talk to someone who understands them and agrees with their perspective.
Once they’ve done that, they feel fulfilled and move forward once and for all.
Having said that, here are some possible explanations as to why your ex is still talking about you weeks, months, or even years after the breakup.
If your dumper ex is talking about you, remember that it could be completely random, or he/she could be dealing with an internal struggle. Either way, you shouldn’t contact your ex or the people he or she talks to. If you do that, you’ll trigger your ex’s repressed negative feelings and give your ex additional reasons to talk to someone he or she trusts and receives empowering answers from.
If you cross your ex’s boundaries, your ex could even take his or her frustrations out on you. That would likely make you feel blamed, rejected, unwanted, and depressed. It would make you feel much worse than you currently do.
If you don’t want that, it’s best to let your ex talk about you all he or she wants. If you’re friends with those people, act as if you’re completely fine with it.
Clarify the things your ex has said about you only if your ex is vengeful and is trying to ruin your reputation. In that case, you should explain yourself patiently and respectfully without trying to pin the blame on your ex. You don’t want to start a battle in which there are no winners.
If you handle your ex’s talking about you maturely, you’ll appear emotionally strong and take control of your healing. Your ex and others will respect you more than if you were to confront your ex about it directly.
Why does my dumpee ex talk about me?
Dumpees talk about the person who dumped them for one single reason: they feel hurt and wish to express that pain. By expressing their thoughts and feelings, they feel heard, understood, and cared for—and don’t miss their ex’s love and validation so much. Whether they’re male or female, talking about their ex helps them relieve their pain and control their inner demons.
The more they talk about their ex, the less obsessed, anxious, insecure, abandoned, overwhelmed, and helpless they feel.
To dumpees, talking about their former partner is therapeutic. It makes them feel supported and a bit more in control. That’s why dumpees often confide in their family and friends and sign up for therapy.
Talking about their ex essentially lets them vent, provides emotional relief, and helps them carry on with their day. It doesn’t heal their wounds all at once, but it does help them feel understood in the moment, which is enough to keep them grounded.
Dumpees initially think about their ex 24/7. They’re obsessed and dependent on their ex emotionally, so they find it impossible to get their ex out of their head. The only time they feel in control of their thoughts is when they talk about their ex with someone who truly cares and makes them feel heard. That person reduces their anxiety and helps them feel important.
So if your dumpee ex talks about you, know that it’s his or her way of coping with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and depression. Your ex needs to talk about you to avoid spiraling into negative thoughts or assuming the worst. Speaking about you, especially to someone empathetic and supportive, helps your ex process his or her emotions and regain a sense of clarity, even if the story he or she tells is shaped more by raw emotions than facts.
Since you rejected your ex and destroyed his or her relationship expectations, consider your ex’s need to talk about the breakup as normal, or even healthy. Your ex must share what he or she thinks and feels to prevent negative emotions from building up and urging your ex to do something unattractive.
Something like begging and pleading, lashing out, taking revenge, or sleeping with someone else.
You shouldn’t try to stop your ex from talking about you. Instead of condemning your ex’s behavior, think of it as something your ex needs to do to rebuild his or her self-esteem and regain identity and a sense of purpose. Your ex will stop talking about you or talking badly about you when he or she recovers emotionally and sees that talking about you doesn’t add any value to his or her life.
Don’t react to your ex
Whether your ex is a dumper or a dumpee, remember that reacting negatively won’t fix things. It won’t make your ex think, feel, or act differently—because your ex has a certain perception of you and needs to get certain things from talking about you. Whether it’s an ego boost, a different perspective, empathy, or forgiveness, your ex’s maturity or health requires your ex to talk about you with other people.
Try not to mind it. When your ex heals or gets tired of painting you in a dark light, your ex will stop bringing you up so often. Instead of making the conversations all about you, your ex will move on to more positive and exciting things. That’s when you’ll be able to tell that your ex has made emotional progress and left the most vulnerable parts of his or her life behind.
Even if your ex is tempting you to reach out. I strongly advise you not to take the bait. Whether your ex is spreading rumors about you, revealing your secrets, talking badly about you, or just mentioning you, it’s best for you as well as your ex to ignore the provocations. Instead of reacting negatively, commit to investing in yourself and keeping busy. That way, you’ll slowly but surely stop caring about the things your ex is saying about you and look forward to a future without your ex.
Is your ex still talking about you and making you wonder why he/she is doing that? How long ago did you break up? Share your story in the comments section below.
Lastly, if you’re looking for help with your breakup, sign up for coaching. Together, we’ll analyze your ex’s behavior and explore the best path forward.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
