Have you ever thought, “Why do people’s feelings change in relationships? Why do they seem so into you at first and then slowly lose interest and stop caring about you?
If you’re interested in learning why they detach, the explanation you’re looking for is very straightforward. They stop putting their best foot forward and go on autopilot. That’s how they get distracted and let the relationship lose its purpose and direction.
Because the relationship can’t survive without effort, planning, and commitment, they soon stop valuing their partner. They think their partner isn’t their best match and that they may be better suited for someone else.
As a result, they fall out of love with their boyfriend or girlfriend and blame the end of the relationship on incompatibilities, wrong timing, and other unrelated things.
You need to know that couples lose feelings in relationships because they prioritize things or people outside of their relationship and neglect the things that needed the most attention – the problems in the relationship. They basically take their relationship for granted and focus on things they don’t like about their partner.
By doing so, they convince themselves they need to leave and that they deserve to be happy.
Some of the things couples who fall out of love stop doing in their relationship are:
- expressing gratitude
- complimenting each other
- going on dates
- avoiding routines
- improving their shortcomings and eliminating relationship problems
- accepting arguments and conflicts as a normal part of a romantic relationship
- creating healthy goals
- setting healthy boundaries
- supporting each other
When couples let go of the wheel and let their relationship progress aimlessly, it shouldn’t come as a shocker to them that their relationship failed to evolve and get stronger.
Why would it grow when their relationship had no navigators? All it had were two clueless, drunken sailors who waited for the tide to take them wherever it wanted to take them.
Think of a relationship as something that requires constant effort. Without effort, a relationship isn’t fulfilling and can’t survive differences and issues such as arguments, stressors, temptations, and a lack of bonding and goals.
In this world, you don’t get something for nothing. You get out of life exactly what you put into it.
It’s that simple, yet many people shrug their shoulders and blame everything and everyone other than themselves for their failures. They believe that relationships “aren’t supposed to be that hard” and that their relationship failed because they weren’t compatible enough.
In reality, they just weren’t self-aware and devoted to looking for solutions to their problems.
This article is for those who wonder why people’s feelings change in relationships. It’s specifically written for those whose ex has fallen out of love with them and made them want to learn what caused the breakup.
Why do people’s feelings change in relationships?
As you know, people’s feelings don’t change on their own. There is no mysterious force that makes people fall out of love and in love with someone else. Feelings change when a person either thinks destructive relationship thoughts or when he or she doesn’t think about the relationship enough.
It all comes down to the kinds of thoughts a person thinks and doesn’t think. If the thoughts are healthy, they generally produce healthy emotions. But if thoughts are unhealthy, they tend to create unhealthy emotions such as anger, resentment, suffocation, doubts, and fears.
The same is true for emotions.
If a person is depressed, anxious, or stressed, he or she is at risk of developing negative thoughts and negative thinking patterns that could negatively affect his or her perception of the relationship. That’s why it’s important to take care of our emotional health and make sure that both our thoughts and emotions are healthy.
We can maintain our thoughts by developing self-awareness and practicing positive affirmations and gratitude. As for emotions, we can gain control of them by adopting healthy coping mechanisms.
People who aren’t very self-aware or healthy emotionally tend not to understand where their problems come from. Oftentimes, they don’t have the strength to do anything about them, so they project them onto their partner and blame their partner for their lack of internal happiness.
After a while, they lose feelings and distance themselves from their partner to enjoy their life in ways that give them joy.
You mustn’t assume that people’s feelings change for no reason. The reason behind the change probably just isn’t clear to you as you’re in pain and blame yourself for your partner’s thoughts and emotions that you had very little control over.
Your partner (or ex-partner) was responsible for internal problems and you were responsible for yours. This doesn’t mean that you weren’t allowed to help and make things better, but even if you did, you couldn’t help someone who wasn’t willing to help himself.
To help a person, the most important thing is that he or she must want help.
We can simplify things and say that people lose feelings because they get tired of being in an argumentative, unfulfilling, or stagnant relationship and fail to identify issues or do something about them before it’s too late.
They just assume problems will go away on their own, and by doing so, let them snowball into bigger problems.
With that said, here are 5 good reasons why people’s feelings in romantic relationships change.
Love is a choice and so is falling out of it
The biggest mistake people make is that they confuse love with attraction, admiration, and infatuation. They believe that relationships should feel amazing all the time, even years later. But that’s not how relationships work. After a couple gets to know each other, infatuation (what some people call love) wanes.
They no longer feel the butterflies in their stomachs, so they need to actually put the work in. If they don’t invest time and effort into the relationship, they soon get the feeling that their partner doesn’t understand them and that they should find someone who does.
People like that tend to search for their Mr. or Ms. right rather than working on themselves and the relationship to make their relationship strong and loving. That’s why they often get the grass is greener syndrome, fall out of love, and quickly find someone else to love.
Although attraction is instinctual (happens on its own), love doesn’t. Love is a choice. And because it’s a choice, many people fall out of it when issues arise. Instead of working on problems they say they’re unhappy and break up with their partner.
That immediately makes them feel relieved, so they think they’ve made the right decision. But the truth is that anyone can feel relieved. Any person who convinces himself that his partner isn’t good for him and delays breaking up with his partner experiences a feeling of post-breakup relaxation.
What the mind believes, it achieves. And if it wants a break from the relationship, that’s what it gets.
So don’t think that many couples break up for reasons outside of their control. Although there are probably thousands of reasons people’s feelings change in relationships, there’s only one explanation you need to be aware of. And that explanation is that people who leave relationships do so because their partner becomes unimportant to them.
They’d rather focus on themselves or be with someone else than dedicate their life to someone who doesn’t make them super happy.
It’s not easy to hear this (especially if you just got dumped), but that’s the way it is. People will always do what’s best for them – even people-pleasers. If they aren’t happy or think they’re not happy, they’ll chase happiness elsewhere.
Can someone’s feelings change overnight?
If you’re in a relationship with a person for months or years, it’s highly unlikely that his or her feelings for you will change overnight. His or her mood might change because people are emotional beings, but feelings certainly won’t.
Feelings take a lot of negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences to change. A negative experience can be something as simple as an argument because it can tell a person that he deserves more than his partner can do for him.
A single argument probably won’t cause a breakup, but it will affect the way a person feels and responds to similar situations in the future. That’s because the more negative situations a person experiences, the less patient he’ll become about those particular problems, and the higher the chances that he’ll give up when his perception of his partner changes for the worse.
People tend to tolerate quite a bit in relationships. But when their partner’s respect and perception get damaged, they tend to become defensive and turn into different people. They show their partner how they behave when they’re unhappy and feel trapped.
So if you’re worried that someone’s feelings for you have changed, observe his or her attitude over the next few days.
If this person starts treating you better soon, the man or woman was likely just in a bad mood. But if his or her bad moods keep returning like a homing pigeon, then the person in question may have developed unhealthy perceptions of you.
He or she has most likely lost feelings already or is in the process of losing feelings and developing resentments. The best thing you can do about someone who gets annoyed and shuts you down every time you try to address issues is to go no contact and focus on yourself.
If your ex broke up with you, you need to remember that the breakup didn’t happen spontaneously. Your ex must have thought about breaking up with you for days if not weeks but never found the courage and time to do it.
He or she just kept prolonging the breakup and waiting for an opportunity to leave.
People fall out of love when they stop fighting
The human brain is as complex as it gets—and scientists are still trying to wrap their heads around it.
But one thing they do know is that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Sir Isaac Newton told us that when he redefined physics back in 1686. And strangely enough, the same laws apply to psychology in this present time.
When a person does something good or bad, he unavoidably creates a suitable response. This means that his thoughts, emotions, and actions give him what he’s asked for. If he’s mean, he brings the worst out of people. And if he’s nice, he encourages people to be nice.
In my favorite book, The Strangest Secret, Earl Nightingale stated that “We become what we think about.” He said that the quality of our thoughts defines us as well as our relationships with people. Thoughts determine whether we have great relationships, bad relationships, or mediocre relationships.
So be very careful about the thoughts that run through your mind.
If you aren’t self-aware, you could soon transform them into regular patterns and habits and sooner than later—translate them into your character. That’s when you’ll subconsciously (without awareness) project your thoughts onto others and hurt them.
On that note, it’s clear that people’s feelings start to change when they lose the willpower to create more positive thoughts. When they simply succumb to the pressure that negative thoughts and emotions create is when things deteriorate very quickly.
People start to feel more and more repulsed by the person they feel negatively toward—until their unhealthy perceptions cause them to lose their self-control, complain, argue, or even leave their partner, thinking that they have the right to be happy.
Although they have every right to be happy with or without their partner, the problem is that most people are so caught up in their emotions that they don’t even realize what’s causing them. They aren’t even interested in finding out as being angry and keeping their ex-partner at a distance gives them a sense of control and feels right to them.
Thanks for reading until the end. Kindly let me know why you think people’s feelings change in relationships. I’m curious to hear your opinion.
And if you wish to discuss your relationship or breakup dynamics directly with us, visit our coaching page for more information.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My ex left me after 3 1/2 years for almost no reason I can comprehend. I was caught completely by surprise and it felt like it she lost her feelings overnight, but she was very kind and explained as best she could what she was feeling. 2 months before she ended it she apparently started having thoughts about what her life could be like if she were single and focusing on herself all the time instead of our relationship. She said that she had felt the same way about me that I felt about her for the longest time and really had envisioned our entire lives together, but I just don’t understand how she didn’t even give us a chance to work it out. She thought we had become too dependent on having each other to talk to 24/7 but I thought we had both been ok with it and enjoyed it so we were never alone. It just doesn’t feel like she could’ve ever felt the same way I did and still do because I would never be able to throw away everything we had built together with our apartment, cats, and planning our futures together. Really what makes me feel awful is not being able to understand what she means and feels. I’m suddenly left alone with my best friend gone.
Hi,
I just need to vent this out of me – not here for any answers. My girlfriend- she is amazingly awesome in all means.I Love Her. We have been in serious relation for past few years. We were passionate about ‘US’. I knew everything about her past life as she knew mine.We used to share times and memories of our before life- from the beginning . We were really glad that we did. It helped me to see her ; accept her with all her low keys. I was happy that I knew how fragile she was and I had a clear vision on how to treat her well. Make her feel the way she actually deserves to be treated.
Later on these started happening- she already had issues about her colour, body fat and a past where she compromised herself several times and got abused both physically and mentally. Along with this social media craze. Follow unknown profile s. Talk to them random things flirt with them. Having calls and chat with some of her Ex. She knew me well – really wanted the US situation to work from the very start, and was seriously committed. While we were dating I had said that we should take things slow but steady. But she wanted to have fast paced environment.
We were cool with it. But later on accidentally she backed up her data on my phone which I had given her for the time being as her phone was dead for some reason. I really miss her right now while typing abou us. I do. But on the other hand I feel I took the right decision for both of us. Even though she used the term break up with me all along even during our short term fights every now and then. I tried to talk about this other entertainment s of FLIRTING with other guys. While I asked about it -she used to say different reasons like –
it’s not cool that I am judging her.
It’s not healthy that I touch her phone.
I was wrong to check my phone which was actually returned to me after she got a new one, from where I discovered some chats that shook me.
It’s wrong for me to ask her to be clear with me in terms of our time together and commitment.
It’s okay to talk to random guys in the name of art knowledge or anything that makes her excited.
After series of these problems and solutions. We amend we make promises and used to move on. But over an incident last month – the same thing happened. Random guy chat and flirting. I reached a phase where I started hating myself and could not help her or myself now. So the term she used frequently and casually for fun sake , This time I used it seriously. After I found this incident -Which came out accidentally about this new guy she met on instagram. While we had an agreement that she won’t anymore exchange personal number with anybody unknown. Apparently which she had already done while informing about some project she got involved in weeks back, but never told about this guy.
So after listening her part – I thought about it for 2 days and I responded that it’s time we head different ways as if it’s meant to be. She was heartbroken and cried- then kept in touch all along for 4-5 days.
Even though I never want that to happen. I still wait for her somewhere inside. Also knowing that she can’t be with me.
Now coming to what sort of a person I am:
Judgemental guy. Who assess people around. That’s how I am. But not for her.
I am so low witted.
I was never very active on social media platforms.
I believe in what I see.
I respect love and care for people I know personally.
Some where I still wish if I could have changed myself or something! God knows! It would just remain here I guess.
Thanks man.
You are actually helping people like me. This helped me somehow.
Cheers have a good day.
So I have been reading your articles non stop since I got dumped via email in March. I was in rough shape. The only thing was that I didn’t beg or plea. I thanked my ex for the great memories and went no contact for a month. He sent what I thought was a breadcrumb email and I ignored him, but after three weeks I replied, and although not nasty, I was not nice. He replied right away pretty much telling me why he dumped me. It was pretty brutal but it was at least truthful in where his head was at. I actually replied back to him ( I know Zan would not be happy) that I was sorry I sent that email and I was just hurt. So low in be hold he replied and said he was sorry too. We have been communicating here and there. He actually told me somethings were going on that I really didn’t know. He said he was glad to have space to clear his head. He also told me now realized I was really great for him. I realized the mistakes I made too. We are not back together, but I’m in a better place because we were NC. Zan is right on about pretty much everything in his articles. It was hard, but give people their space. They might not come back, but maybe something positive will come out of it.
Hello, thanks for your blog. To say its helping me is an understatement. I am hoping you can answer my question about future effort. Once my ex and I have gone through the stages of the breakup. (Seem to have stalled for him since covid-19 lockdown but accerlated for me) I am in depression and he in elation. I was wondering will positive exchanges in the future due to co-parenting make him believe it was the best decision to go.
So if after months of limited contact because of baby. when we do communicate its childcare business then back to silence whilst I heal and he has space. There will come a point when neutral has arrived. When he sees I’m happy, improved and healed. Wont this make him feel more at ease with his decision to go as opposed to regret.
My ex lost feelings and I know its about reattraction after time apart. But I cannot imagine how in perhaps a years time he will think ‘oh my family is doing great without me, I want back in’. I feel it may be more ‘they seem happy, I was right to leave’
What are your thoughts on this angle.
This sums everything that happened with my ex too. I think his own thoughts made him feel suffocated, that there was pressure for deeper commitment that I was not pushing for. He is now saying he never loved me and all the wonderful thing he did for me he would have done for anyone. I guess this is the end and there is no way for him to change the way he feels?
Im going through the same with my ex girlfriend we were about to get merried and same thing happened to me.
Zan, this makes so much sense. My ex was so ‘ head over heals’ for me at first. She was the one who pursued me..we dated and she told me she never had feelings this strong before. She was 100% all in. All of a sudden, for no apparent reason, she left! We never argued, we always had a great time together..but one day, she simply gave up without any explanation. Very bizarre!
Hi Evan.
That is bizarre indeed.
Maybe your ex felt infatuated with you for some peculiar reason. Perhaps she never got over her last relationship and/or she stopped believing in romance.
If so, what your ex felt for you wasn’t love. It was high attraction that quickly disappeared.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan, I think you’re right.
Wow, through reading so many of the articles you’ve posted on this site I’ve been able to get an overall picture of why and how me and my ex broke up despite my best efforts. But this article in particular really drove the points home why she broke up with me. She still had unresolved issues from past relationships and even when things were going really good which was majority of time she’d suddenly become negative in regards to the future of our relationship which at the time I couldn’t understand. But it all makes sense now. It’s hard, because somedays I feel strong and confident and tell myself she made her choice but I still struggle with missing her deeply even though I know she made a concious decision to cut me out of her life regardless of if it was impulsive or not. No contact has definitely helped but unfortunately I broke it about a month and a week ago and I received no response/was ignored. I won’t make that mistake again no matter how much I want to reach out because I know it does get easier. Thanks Zan.
Hi Dean.
I’m sorry that your ex ignored you and caused you anxiety. But on the bright side, she showed you who she truly is.
Hopefully, knowing what she’s like will help you move on from her.
Thank you for your comment!
Zan
Zan, I like the idea that my ex’s decision to break up has little to do with me (and I think that’s true), because it helps me forget myself for all the mistakes I have made during our relationship.
Nevertheless, I can’t help but think that if I had behaved differently and if I had not made all these mistakes, then maybe things could have gone differently and we still might be together today. And if that’s true, then her decision to break up has something to do with me…
Hi Rick.
That’s where communication comes in. If she had stronger beliefs, she would have conveyed to you that she needs healthy adjustments. And if she did and nothing changed for a very long time, then the breakup needed to occur to open your eyes.
Kind regards,
Zan
Actually, she never clearly expressed her feelings about what may have been missing in our (10-year) relationship, and we never discussed the things that was bothering her about me. The only hints I got were : 8 months before we broke-up she told me that she felt something was missing in her life but she did not what. And in the last few months, she complained about me never listening to her. Then, she checked out.
I feel the same way as Rick, that the breakup had more than a little to do with me. The mistake I made was not putting enough effort into my long distance relationship. However, my ex did not communicate the need for adjustments until after she had fallen out of love, built up a lot of resentment towards me and emotionally checked out of the relationship. She agreed to give me a 2nd chance but that failed because I was the only one putting in effort at that point. I feel terrible knowing I was the reason the relationship began to fail, but I also realize now that by not communicating until it was too late, my ex did little to prevent it from failing.
Everything makes sense even more to me after this article…my ex lose the willpower to create more positive thoughts about me and relationship. And I don’t know how I was even shocked?
With only my effort, a relationship can’t survive very long I didn’t know this that time…
He has fed his brain with poor thoughts for so long that such thoughts became a part of him :/
Yes, Linda.
You summed up everything that happened to your ex.
In a nutshell, his poor thoughts detached him from, caused him to cheat, and built up resentment or suffocation.
Stay strong!
Zan
Wooo this is so crazy… but with your help and all those amazing articles that are making all of us see things in different dimensions
So this is all what he built?
Thank you Zan ❤️
Hi Linda.
He thought about you in such a poor way for so long that eventually his own thoughts began to repulse him.
Best,
Zan