Dumpers often come back after you move on and forget about them. It’s as if they can feel that you stopped caring and obsessing about them—and no longer want them in your life. The reason they come back, however, doesn’t have anything to do with how you feel. It’s got everything to do with what their life is like and how THEY feel.
They typically aren’t happy with their choices, feelings, and direction in life, so they remember the ex they had strong feelings for and purpose with and run back to their ex for safety and comfort. They’re in a hurry to reexperience the familiar feeling of security, so they go back to their ex and try to get rid of the problems they encountered on their journey without their ex.
To dumpers, reconciliations are backup plans. They’re okay with reconciling with their ex, but only when life gives them lemons and leaves them no choice but to seek happiness with their ex. Usually, they decide to lean on their ex because they experience immense pain and remember their ex used to be there for them. Their ex was a reliable partner until they developed negative beliefs and decided to leave for greener pastures.
It’s not that dumpers only come back after you’ve moved on, but that they couldn’t care less when you’re anxious, depressed, and desperate. As long as you’re emotional and want them back, they feel strongly repulsed and disinterested in reconnecting even as friends. They’d rather avoid you and feel in control than converse and remember how badly they hurt and disappointed you.
Dumpers understand their ex’s importance when they fail in some important way. That’s when they experience pain and start feeling sorry for themselves. They remember how their ex used to help them with their problems and made their life easier.
So even though it seems like dumpers come back when you move on, the truth is that they come back for different reasons – when they get in trouble. They need months or years to encounter problems they lack the tools to deal with, reflect, and realize they were happy or happier with their ex. It just so happens that most dumpees regain their emotional independence before dumpers rediscover their worth and need them to deal with problems and unwanted emotions.
Most dumpees detach and heal—and get surprised when their ex finally contacts them with an apology and a promise to love them and do better.
Dumpers seldom come back when dumpees are still desperate for connection and love. When they come back super quickly, they show they didn’t really want to break up. They just wanted to scare their ex into doing things their way. Either they wanted to control their ex or they met someone highly incompatible and/or got their expectations destroyed.
Quick reconciliations occur when dumpers still have feelings for their ex and grow tired of the pain and helplessness they experience. Other (the majority of reconciliations) take months or longer because dumpers need to discover reasons to fall back in love and feel a sense of urgency to reconnect. They must truly love their ex and want their ex back before their ex finds someone else.
So if you want to know why dumpers come back after you move on, they do it for two main reasons.
- They sense that you no longer depend on them for happiness and survival.
- They get enough time to prioritize themselves, explore other options, fail, reflect, compare their ex to their new life, and realize they had it easier when they were with their ex.
Dumpers don’t return without a reason. They return when they fail to move forward and live happy lives – the kind of lives they imagined and hoped to live. That’s when they stop thinking negatively about their ex and give their ex the credit he or she deserves. Basically, they come back when they realize that their own poor decisions led to their unhappiness, pain, and unresolvable problems.
Some dumpers want their ex back romantically whereas others just want friendship or certain benefits. You need to figure out why they came back before you take them back and give them the ability to hurt you again. Ask them plenty of questions to test their commitment and discover their reasons for wanting a spot in your life.
Their responses will reveal if they want you for you or themselves.
In this post, we answer the question of why dumpers come back after you move on. We’ll help you understand dumper behavior so you know what to do if your ex wants you back.
Why do dumpers come back when you move on?
Dumpers come back when you’re done mourning the breakup because you no longer overwhelm them and scare them. Your actions and inactions reveal that you’ve got your emotions under control and that you’re not a threat to their happiness and health. Instead of prioritizing them and showing them how important they are to you, you show them you’re the most important person in your life and that you don’t need them to succeed and be happy.
You just need yourself and people who appreciate you.
You see, the most powerful message you can send to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is that you stopped caring and feeling in love. When your ex understands that you lost romantic interest and the desire to communicate, he or she may start to think differently about you. Your ex may become curious, notice your self-confidence, and understand that you’re more valuable than he or she perceived.
That could inspire your ex to check up on you and ask you all kinds of questions, including questions about your dating life and whether you’re happy.
Dumpers find their ex’s detachment and high self-esteem highly attractive. Especially when they’re struggling to love themselves and find inner peace. Unhappiness in general tends to make them remember their exes and compare their exes’ success and happiness to theirs. If their exes have their lives figured out, they often want their exes back for reassurance purposes.
So why do dumpers come back when you move on? Dumpers want you back when you move on because they’re stuck on a problem they can’t resolve without you. They see or think that you don’t have any problems and that they could benefit from you by returning and recommitting. They refuse to mention that they need you to deal with their problems because that would make them look weak and dependent.
Instead of admitting they need their ex to be happy, they often make it seem like they’re doing their ex a favor. By doing so, they try to hold onto power and get what they need from their ex. Of course, not all dumpees hog all the power. The most mature, hurt, and regretful ones return the power they stole from their ex. They do this because they’re in pain, want their ex to trust them, and dream of having a healthy relationship with their ex.
Almost all dumpers return because they don’t hear a peep from their ex, get in trouble, and redevelop respect, curiosity, and love. They learn to respect and value their ex when something bad happens to them, so they run back to their ex and try to get what they need from their ex.
If you want your ex to return, you must also move on, get over your ex, and find joy and purpose in things that have nothing to do with your ex. You must become happy on your own so your ex can crave your emotional stability when things go south on his or her end. Don’t bother talking to your ex and showing you’re doing great.
You won’t change your ex’s mind because someone who initiates conversations and brags:
- isn’t truly happy
- craves the dumper more than the dumper craves him/her
Besides, your ex must first experience a serious issue. When he or she does, your ex will try to solve it without you. If your ex can’t solve it, your ex could reach out under the guise of missing you and wanting to catch up. You must consider the possibility that something went wrong and that your ex may want you back permanently as a partner or temporarily as a supportive friend.
You can tell your ex wants you back as a friend if your ex talks about his or her problems and interests and asks (almost) nothing about your happiness, feelings, and expectations. An ex who wants you back will be scared of disappointing you and getting rejected by you. He or she won’t talk endlessly about his or her life and things you couldn’t care less about.
Always pay attention to what your ex is saying and how he or she is saying it. If your ex appears unapologetic and unremorseful, you have a sign that your ex has an ulterior motive and that you better stop talking to your ex. You don’t want to talk to your ex unless it’s about getting back together. Unimportant conversations will keep you obsessed for the wrong reasons.
With that said, here’s why dumpers come back when you move on.
Not all dumpers come back after you move on
Although some dumpers fail miserably on their quest for everlasting happiness and come back to explore a relationship with their ex, this isn’t true for all dumpers. Many dumpers don’t return to former partners because they don’t fail badly, don’t cope poorly with stressors, and don’t believe in reconciliations.
They’re emotionally and mentally strong enough to remain convinced the breakup needed to happen and that they’re better off because of it. Such dumpers don’t get affected by stress to the point where they engage in meaningful reflection and realize their ex’s romantic worth. They prefer to avoid self-reflection and blame their ex for their problems.
We could say they’re incapable of empathizing and understanding that their poor decisions and behaviors are to blame for the situation they’re in.
So even if you move on and look happy and successful, there’s no guarantee that your ex will come back when he or she hits a snag. The dumper has to be capable of empathizing, reflecting, and admitting his or her mistakes. If he or she blames others for all the problems, the dumper is unlikely to mature and face his or her problems.
That’s why you shouldn’t think that all dumpers are the same and that they all come back when the dumpee moves on. Although emotional independence can be attractive, it doesn’t bring back exes who despise their dumpees with all their heart and/or refuse to see things from other angles. If dumpers are incapable of growth, they typically don’t come back to work on their relationship with their ex.
They tend to point fingers and stay as they are maturity-wise. Stubbornness prevents them from evolving and redeveloping feelings for their ex.
Despite that, your goal should be to move on and become the best version of yourself. The wrong kind of person may not respect you for the things you’ve accomplished, but that’s okay. By growing and moving on with your life, you’ll naturally weed out people who don’t appreciate you and lack the right to stay in your life.
So don’t concern yourself with exes who never realize your worth. Focus on those who understand your value and want to be around you. They’re the ones who truly matter as they actually add value to your life.
What do you think? Why do dumpers come back after you move on and seem to be doing fine without them? Post your thoughts in the comments area below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
