When someone hurts you and acts like nothing happened, you can tell that he or she grew up in an environment where hurting people and not taking accountability for his or her actions was normal.
He or she was brought up by similarly-behaving parents or guardians and was made to believe that after saying or doing something rude or hurtful, simply carrying on as if nothing happened was perfectly acceptable.
To this person, it remains acceptable to this day because it’s been a part of his or her life for decades.
Every time a conflict or something bad happened, he or she and others ignored one another and failed to fix the situation like adults. Instead of talking about it face to face, they gave each other space before they initiated contact without addressing the cause of the issue.
Enough time had passed for them to cool off, so they felt no need to return to the subject that no longer mattered. Acting like it never happened felt better and made more sense because it avoided potential confrontation and accountability.
Some people are terrible at taking responsibility. They prefer to start a new conversation than talk about the old one and fix the mess they made. They’d rather ignore the past and focus on the present because the present feels much better than the argument and/or pain they’ve caused.
Oftentimes, they don’t even know or care they’ve caused people pain. They think they just said what they needed to say and that it’s up to others to deal with their words and actions. Due to their inability to empathize and the bad habits they’ve picked up during their childhood, they don’t know just how badly their behavior hurts people.
They think people are overreacting and that they shouldn’t be so sensitive and emotional. They essentially blame others for how they feel instead of acknowledging that they did something to hurt them.
This is a good example of victim-blaming and a sign that they have a lot of things to change about themselves, starting with sympathy, empathy, communication skills, self-awareness, and the understanding that how they were brought up may not have been perfect.
Many of us like to think we had the best parents and that our parents taught us all the best lessons we needed to learn for healthy and loving friendships, acquaintanceships, and relationships.
Many of their lessons do indeed help us maintain relationships, but we often forget that just because their personalities and behaviors worked for them, they may not work for us.
Their social dynamics differ from ours and our unique relationships, so we shouldn’t expect them to work for us. We have to find ways to make things work ourselves. No one’s born or brought up perfect. We have certain values, goals, communication patterns, and personality types that may be compatible with one person but not with another.
We call it compatibility.
Someone who was brought up to avoid talking about the difficulties from the past may not want to work with someone who always talked about problems and feelings and made sure everything was okay. This is a huge communication difference that needs to be talked about if they want to feel understood and respected.
So bear in mind that even though you want to talk about the pain and injustice you’ve suffered, the other person may not want to. Some people fear talking about difficult or sensitive subjects due to the fear of confrontation or escalation.
Almost always, it has something to do with their upbringing or unhealthy relationships with people.
They’ve learned that communication doesn’t feel good and that they get more out of life by skipping the “patching up phase” and pretending like nothing happened. Emotionally weak people and cowards (usually guys but it’s common for avoidants too) tend to run away from problems and moral obligations.
They avoid communicating about it because they feel safer in their comfort zone in which they don’t have to do anything that feels forced or unnatural. And what feels unnatural are things they didn’t experience or get a chance to practice. They consider such things unnecessary, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.
When someone hurts you and acts like nothing happened, that person doesn’t see that you’re hurt, care that you’re hurt, and/or feel the moral obligation to help you feel better. He or she wants to avoid the potentially difficult conversation, observe it from afar, and wait for you to get over it.
Once he or she is certain the past is in the past, he or she may become receptive to the idea of talking about it.
When there’s no chance of feeling hurt, pressured, or responsible for creating a problem or causing you pain, the person in question may finally be open to having a quick chat about it. Don’t expect any deep conversations though. A quick chat may involve a superficial discussion about explanations and justifications.
To have a constructive conversation, the person in question must understand the importance of discussing issues and the danger of ignoring them. He or she must know that it’s necessary for the person he or she has hurt to want to talk and that failure to do so could lead to resentment and termination of the relationship as you know it.
When someone keeps inflicting pain and ignoring the need to relieve pain, it’s only a matter of time before the hurt person gets tired of tolerating pain and reacts negatively to it. A negative reaction could then hurt the offender and lead to an escalation.
Anything could happen when both parties feel hurt and offended. If they don’t have a strong connection and reason to work together, they could even argue and go their separate ways.
In this post, we talk about why someone would hurt you and act like nothing happened. We talk about friendships, relationships, breakups, and other bonds.
Why would someone hurt you and act like nothing happened?
People often avoid taking accountability. They feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings or feel hurt themselves, so they choose to avoid the elephant in the room. They talk about other subjects and hope that the issues will magically disappear. Of course, issues don’t disappear, but some (usually avoidant) people may be okay with them.
They don’t need to discuss the past too much or at all because their coping mechanisms don’t require them to. They’re happy to focus on the present moment and face the same issues in the future.
Most people, however, need to talk about them and through talking forgive each other. Forgiveness makes them stronger whereas unresolved issues pile up and tempt them to give up.
If the person in question is your friend, you must keep in mind that this person probably feels hurt too. Your friend fears confrontation or escalation and is used to dealing with difficulties by ignoring them and hoping the situation will resolve on its own.
Your friend doesn’t like talking about his or her feelings and problems and wants the friendship to be positive. Positive emotions make you two feel good, but they don’t do anything to prevent the past from repeating itself.
It could also be that your friend is taking things passively and expecting you to start the difficult topic and perhaps even apologize. People can be prideful and stubborn. They want the other person to take the first step and make them feel important and cared for.
If your friend is acting like nothing happened between you two, your friend may be waiting for you to make the first move. Once you’ve initiated the talk, he or she may stop acting like nothing happened and bury the hatchet.
Your friend may just need a little push and may be talking to you normally to improve the atmosphere and set the tone for a more serious discussion.
If the person in question is your partner, the situation isn’t much different. Your partner probably understands that he or she has hurt you but doesn’t have the strength to initiate the talk. He or she is afraid of the unknown and wants to either skip the conversation or talk about it when it’s safe and less likely to backfire.
The same goes for ex-partners. They’re scared of confrontation, so they act like nothing happened and focus on things that feel good. The last thing they want is to spend more time and energy on a person who’s no longer a part of their romantic life.
They prefer to focus on themselves and people they don’t have a (bad) history with. Doing so empowers them whereas talking to their ex about issues from the past stresses and overwhelms them.
Dumpers are notorious for acting like nothing happened. When they run into their ex, they either avoid eye contact and pretend they don’t see their ex or acknowledge their ex and smile or even joke. They act like nothing happened and that they still like or perhaps even love their dumpee ex.
Their behavior shows they enjoy spending time with their ex and that they regret leaving. In reality, though, their feelings are still gone as they still crave space and want to move on with their lives.
Oftentimes, they think they’re the victims and that their dumpee ex should apologize to them for hurting them and forcing them to abandon the relationship. Such dumpers lack empathy, among other things, and shouldn’t be allowed near their ex.
They should be kept at a distance, far away from their heart.
Whether the person who’s hurt you is someone you know very well or don’t know at all, that person probably feels uncomfortable, angry, or hurt and victimized like you. He or she probably looks at the situation differently and may want to talk about it for his/her sake and the sake of the relationship.
Having said that, here’s why people hurt you and act like nothing happened.
What can I do about someone who hurt me and seems not to care?
As long as the person who’s hurt you isn’t an ex, you can safely reach out and start the conversation. It’s important not to ignore your feelings and the problems that triggered them, or a similar situation could repeat itself in the future.
It’s better to talk about it now and resolve your problems before they spiral out of control and become unresolvable.
If you can lower your pride, tell the person who’s hurt you that you’re not trying to cause any problems, but that you’re just trying to understand what happened last time and have a better relationship with him or her.
Most people will cooperate when you take the initiative to fix things and express yourself maturely. They’ll talk about their feelings and mistakes and revert to their happy selves. Only immature people will use your kindness and admission of guilt against you and make you regret trying to fix things.
But such things are a waste of your time anyway.
Fix things with people who want you in their life. Show them you’re interested in hearing their side of the story and having a functional relationship with them. Let them know you care about them and that you want things to go back to normal as soon as possible.
Don’t, however, talk to vengeful ex-partners and ex-friends who went out of their way to hurt you and make you miserable.
When people are done with you, they don’t deserve you, nor want you to fix things. They’ve worsened their opinion of you and may even have become spiteful.
It’s best to leave such people alone and refuse to take their lack of care and interest personally. Consider them a part of your past and meet new people who can give you what you’re looking for. There are plenty of people who won’t hurt you and act like nothing happened.
They may still hurt you because emotions are subjective, but they won’t ignore the need to fix things and make you wonder why they aren’t doing anything to make amends.
All in all, remember that mature and valuable individuals take accountability for their actions. They apologize even if they aren’t at fault simply because they value their connection with you.
Uncaring and people unworthy of your time, however, make excuses and reject your efforts. They make you feel entirely responsible for your feelings and the state of the relationship. They care more about who’s right than making you feel safe, comfortable, and respected.
What do you think it means when someone hurts you and acts like nothing happened? Do you think they’re hurt and waiting for you to reach out? Do you think it’s possible they’re scared of confrontation or embarrassed of how they acted? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you’re looking for personal guidance with your relationship, breakup, friendship, coworker, or anyone who hurt you, check out our coaching services and get in touch.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
