When a girl says she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends, she may be expressing she doesn’t have feelings for you right now. She only sees you as a friend – someone she can talk to when she’s bored, lonely, or in need of support. She doesn’t know if she’ll develop feelings anytime soon, so she said she’s not ready for a relationship and indirectly asked you to accept her decision and not pressure her.
If she wanted to be in a relationship with you, she would have told you so. She would have verbally and non-verbally shown you that she liked where things were going between you and her and that she wanted more talking, flirting, and bonding.
Perhaps she said she wasn’t ready because she’s going through something difficult like a breakup or personal issues at home and wanted you to know that she can’t start anything serious with you. Maybe she needs more time to process the past and deal with her issues at her own pace. Or maybe she’s just using the “I’m not ready, but let’s be friends” excuse to let you down gently and show you she still wants you in her life.
Many times, friendship after a breakup or rejection is nothing but a pity offer. It’s something people propose to reduce the other person’s pain and assuage their guilt. They hope the other person will be contented with friendship and get off their back.
Sadly, rejected people tend to get hope from friendship, They convince themselves their crush still likes them otherwise he or she would have stopped talking to them completely. This kind of thinking leads them to believe they may be able to get close to their crush and make him or her fall in love.
Needless to say, that’s extremely unlikely. It’s much more likely that their words and actions will overwhelm and annoy their crush and force him or her to ask for space and understanding.
So if a girl says she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends, bear in mind that she’s either telling the truth or a white lie. Either way, she doesn’t feel love for you at the moment and needs you to respect her feelings and need for space. You shouldn’t pester her with your feelings and hope that she feels something for you.
If you ignore her decision and lack of feelings, she could get angry and become resentful. Negative perceptions and emotions could force her to ignore you and block you. The stronger your approach is, the bigger the chance that she’ll stop caring about your feelings and try to reject you politely.
Soon, she’ll lose her patience and feel tempted to get space at any cost – even if she needs to hurt your feelings.
If she truly isn’t ready for a relationship (let’s say because she got broken up with recently), she can’t reciprocate your feelings because she’s still dealing with her unreciprocated feelings. She’s still processing the past and trying to let go of it. She could give you what you want later, but it could take a long time.
Depending on her situation and where she is in her healing process, she could be ready after a few weeks or a few months.
You don’t have any control over her emotional readiness because it’s something she needs to deal with on her own. She’s responsible for letting go of the past or dealing with problems that weigh her down. Her crush (you) can’t help her. Not now that she rejected you. If you try to help her, she’ll assume you’re doing it to get on her good side and make her fall in love.
She’ll think you have romantic expectations of her and that you don’t take no for an answer.
So as much as you want to help her process her issues sooner, keep in mind that she doesn’t want, nor expect your help. She would have asked for help already if she wanted it from you. What she needs from you is time and space to deal with her problems and stressors. When she’s worked through her issues, she may contact you to see if you’re still open to dating.
Some dumpees or even people who wanted to date but were rejected receive a call or text sometime later. Usually, it takes a couple of months for their ex or crush to deal with his or her issues and feel emotionally ready for a new relationship.
But until they’re ready, they keep their distance and dread being forced to give others time, attention, and love. They’re super sensitive to any expectations or demands that force them to feel, say, or do something they’re not ready for.
When people ask them for too much, they feel swamped by negative thoughts and emotions and think they have no choice but to push them away (often by force). They don’t care if they hurt others because others don’t understand and hurt them first.
In this post, we talk about the reasons why a girl says she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends.
What does it mean if she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends?
If she’s not ready for a relationship, she’s not ready for it with anyone, not just you. She feels stressed or overwhelmed and has a lot on her mind that prevents her from forming a deep emotional connection with another person.
One of the most common causes of emotional unavailability is a recent breakup as a breakup can make the dumpee obsessed with the past. It forces him or her to process difficult emotions and ignore the present.
Aside from a breakup, emotional unavailability can also result from:
- stress at work
- fallout with friends and family
- major illness or injury
- death of a loved one
- moving homes
- financial issues
- depression
- and unresolved childhood issues
All these things can affect a person’s ability to develop and reciprocate feelings. They can cause temporary emotional blockage and thwart his or her desire for intimacy. The bigger the issue a person is facing, the greater its impact and the longer it may take to resolve.
So bear in mind that a woman who claims not to be ready for a relationship may still dealing with the consequences of something difficult, painful, or stressful. She may have already resolved the issue but still needs some time to herself to forget about her problems and decide her next step in life.
She doesn’t want to jump into a new relationship right away and be limited by it. She wants to be free and live a life that decreases her chances of getting stressed, angered, rejected, or anything she doesn’t want to feel. Delaying a new relationship gives her the freedom to set her own rules and live on her terms.
At the moment, she just wants to be friends. She can’t give you what you’re looking for because she’s looking for something else. Your expectations, goals, and energy levels don’t match hers, so she wants to keep her distance from you and be in control of her life.
However, if she doesn’t want to be with you because she doesn’t find you attractive, then she’ll probably talk to other people and get into a new relationship when she finds someone she likes and wants to be with. She’ll show you she used the “I’m not ready” justification to help you take the rejection less personally and form a bond with a more compatible romantic prospect.
She’ll essentially trick you by making you think the issue is with her inability to start a new relationship when it’s with her perception of you.
If you believe she just needs some time to deal with her issues, you could keep waiting for a long time. You could put your life on hold for a person who may already be talking to someone else.
Unless she told you why she isn’t ready for a new relationship, you must consider the possibility that she just isn’t ready for a relationship with you. Some people make excuses to soften the blow and avoid feeling guilty.
But what if she genuinely isn’t ready for a relationship and wants to be friends?
In that case, you must understand a few things.
- She’s going through something difficult or recently went through something difficult and needs time to process it and enjoy her life for a while.
- She wants to be your friend or thinks she wants to be your friend.
Some people offer friendship despite not wanting it. They don’t know how to console the person they rejected, so they offer friendship in an attempt to calm the situation. If the rejected person accepts friendship and starts acting like a friend, they often treat him or her more like a stranger than someone they like and appreciate.
You have to be careful when a person you love or crush on asks to be friends. Friendship sounds nice on paper, but it’s often impossible. Once the dumper understands your feelings and intentions, she will be cautious around you. She’ll understand that you want more from her than she’s able or willing to give and that she could get pressured and feel guilty again.
Post-rejection friendship is challenging for both parties. It’s hard for the person who rejects you and even harder for you. Every time you communicate and/or receive updates on her life, you get your hopes up or your hopes destroyed, depending on what you learn and how you perceive the information. You feel like you’re on a neverending emotional rollercoaster.
The only way to get off it and feel better is to stop interacting with her.
So whether she’s going through a lot or wants to date other people, remember that she may or may not want to keep you around as a friend. What she wants doesn’t even matter. What matters is what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to understand that she currently doesn’t want to be with you.
She’s busy with other (more important) matters and can’t invest in multiple things at once.
Having said that, here’s what it means if she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends.
What do you do when a girl says she just wants to be friends?
When a girl says she just wants to be friends, you might feel tempted to accept her offer and be her friend. You might tell yourself that she’ll come back around if you play your cards right as a friend and give her enough time to deal with her issues. Although she might indeed come back when she’s dealt with her issues, she might also not.
She might just friend-zone you and string you along. If she doesn’t see your romantic potential and has no intention of returning, she could waste a lot of your time and keep you obsessed with her.
You probably don’t have unlimited time and emotions to waste on someone who might see your romantic worth in the future. Waiting for someone who isn’t waiting for you would be a huge mistake. It’d make you wait for this person even though she may already be talking to someone else.
That’s why the best thing to do when a girl says she just wants to be friends is to avoid acting like a friend. Instead of talking to her and hoping she becomes ready to be with you, distance yourself from her and give her the space to focus on things or people she wants to focus on. This won’t reduce your chances of being with her.
If anything, it will increase them because she’ll feel free and respect you for being emotionally strong and not giving her a hard time.
Whether she has feelings for someone else and wants to date him or isn’t ready for anything serious yet, she needs to see that you’re not waiting for her. Waiting would show her that you expect her to be with you and that she needs to hurry up and commit. This would put pressure on her and make her think less of you.
It’s hard to respect someone willing to wait months for her to resolve her problems. I’m not saying you should date other people and make her jealous, but do show that rejection hasn’t destroyed you and that your life doesn’t revolve around her. She’ll respect and like you more if you handle rejection confidently and move on with your life without guilt-tripping and annoying her.
When she’s ready for a connection in the future, she will consider you an equal in terms of interest and investment—and will work for your attention, recognition, and love. She will know that you prioritize yourself over her and that she could get rejected if she doesn’t use the right excuse and give you what you need from her.
Always remember that a person who values you and wants you romantically will willingly give you what you need (and more). She’ll invest in you hoping you’ll invest back in her. She won’t expect you to impress her and do all the work.
That’s why the best thing you can do when she says she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends is not to be friends with her. Either agree to friendship but don’t act like a friend or say you’re not ready for it and need time. That way, you’ll set healthy boundaries and show her you’d rather focus on moving on and dating other people.
She mustn’t think you’ve stopped your life for a girl who might or might not want a relationship in the future. You can’t tell her you’ll wait as this might encourage her to rely on you as a friend and keep you waiting a very long time (maybe forever).
All in all, if she’s not ready for a relationship, you mustn’t be either. You must back off and surround yourself with people who can give you what you want. It will take time to get over the rejection, but when you’re over it, you’ll realize that stepping back and giving her space was the most self-respectful thing you could have done.
Did a girl you like or love turn you down by saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship and offer friendship instead? Share your story in the comments section below.
And if you need help understanding why she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to be friends, consider subscribing to our coaching services for support.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My situation is related, though maybe not exactly the same. I met this women on a dating app when she sent me a like. I checked out her profile and it stated she was looking for a long term relationship which was exactly what I was looking for. After the first day of chatting, I felt we had a lot in common and a great connection. We exchanged phone number a day later and two days after that we met. We had a great first date and we decided to see each other again the next night. From that point, we were messaging each other through the day and talking on the phone at night. During one of our conversations she said to me that she did not want to jump right into a relationship as she did that in the past and that she seems to make the wrong decision with men. She told me she liked me and love spending time with me but wanted to go slow. I asked if there was anyone else or is she still looking, she said there was no one else and she is no longer using the dating app since me. I told her I understand if she wants to take it slow and I did not want to rush her. I am not sure what her definition of take it slow meant. We were still conversing and seeing each other often and she even introduced me to her youngest son. She told me previously it would be a while before I would met her two sons. Not even a week after she said that, here I am at her house meeting one. I began to think she sees my value and worth and realizes I am not like the guys from her past.
The last two relationships she had spanned over 18 years. The first guy who is the father of her children, was a narcissist and cheated on her numerous times and verbally abused her. She was with him for 12 years. The most recent ex, she was with for 6 years. She told me she should of ended that relationship much sooner than she did. She said they did work and that he was very mean toward her youngest son. She ended that relationship about 3-4 months before meeting me.
Fast forward to about 2 month into our “dating”, everything was going great, I was seeing her a lot and not only did she introduce me to both sons, I met, her sister and her spouse as well as her brother and his spouse who she called her best friend. We did things with the kids, I was spending time at her house, I really believed she was ready to commit to me and be exclusive.
This is when the bottom fell out. After spending a spectacular 5 days in a row with her. I get a message from her saying her recent ex just had a heart attack and was life flighted to a hospital over 2 hours away and she was rushing down there with his family. I was stunned, I never saw something like this happening. I really didn’t know how to reply. So I told her to be careful and I hope he pulls through. From that point on, I hardly heard from her, as she was spending most of her time at his side. I reached out and she told me she was overwhelmed, that he might die. She then told me if she said she didn’t love this guy, she would be lying, he was her best friend for 6 years and the reason she left the relationship was not from lack of love but that they just didn’t work. I felt like I as hit by a truck, I didn’t know what to say so I chose not to respond. Later that day, she attempted to elaborate what she said earlier. She said there is a difference between loving someone and being in love and that she was just being a really good friend right now for him. She went on to tell me she is overwhelmed, tired and confused and she needs time to sort things out. I wasn’t sure what she meant about being confused but I didn’t want to discuss it at this point. I offered her my full support and told her I am hoping he pulls through. I told her I would not reach out to her unless she contacted me. Her response was that she appreciated me. After a few days I didn’t keep my promise of not reaching because it was her birthday so I sent her a happy birthday message and hope all is well. She gave me a brief update that he had his surgery and made it through.
The next week we had tickets for a baseball game and after not hearing from her I reached out again in the middle of week to see what her status was for the game. She said she still wanted to go but was not certain because her son had Covid. She said she would call me the next night so we can talk. We did talk the next night (the first time I heard her voice in nearly two weeks). She said her son was doing better, but still not sure about the game. I told her I understood and I also asked if there was any chance I could give her the birthday presents I got her. She said maybe we can meet the next night. Then I brought up the ex and said I am glad he pulled through. I then proceeded to ask what she was confused about? Was she planning to go back to him? Her response was that she didn’t know. I was completely gutted from that response. I tried to reason with her and said I understand her emotions are riled up from this unfortunate event, but why would you go back to a relationship you ended, said it didn’t work and to a guy who treated your son badly. She defended him and said he had to be sick for a while so this explains his behavior. I was floored to hear this. I tried to have her remember my qualities and what I bring. I said why go back to something that didn’t work instead of exploring something that could work.
The next day she messaged me and invited over to her house. I brought her flowers and gave her the birthday presents. It felt like a normal night between us, every was going well and we did not mention anything about the ex. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. After that, I thought maybe she was realizing that I am the better choice for her future. Before leaving that night I asked her about the game which was two days away and she asked if she could give me an answer the next day. Before I left her, I told her how special she was to me and how much fun we have had together in a relatively short time. I told her please remember everything I told her because I was 100% sincere. I kissed her good bye. As I left, I had the feeling this was going to be my last time here and the last time I see her.
The next day came, we message a little bit, not much. She thanked again for the flowers and the presents. As the day went on I never heard from her about the game so I reached out and got no reply. A few hours later, I tried again and then about 30 mins later she replied that she was sleeping and thinks she got Covid. I offered to get her anything she needed, but she declined so I told her to rest. Later that night I sent her message hoping she felt better and if she needed anything I am here for her. I never got a reply, nor did I receive another message or call from her again. She totally ghosted me. Over 3 weeks later and nothing. So I guess she made her decision to go back to the ex. She couldn’t even give me the decency to say anything at all. I was nothing but great to her. She even told me a few times I was the nicest person she ever met. I really liked her and I really thought we had something to build a great relationship on and she basically just spat in my face.
Apparently she was not over her ex and she basically just used me to fill her free time and for sex until a better opportunity came along. That is why she gave me the excuse that she did not want to jump into a relationship. She was just stringing me along. The ex gets hospitalized and she took the opportunity to be there for him so he would take her back. This all feels like a cruel joke. After being a alone for most of the past 2 years, I finally find someone I was crazy for and they just end up using me. She couldn’t even have the respect to end things, but instead took the cowardly approach to ghost me.