If you broke up with your ex and it seems like you’re about to get back together, try to avoid rushing back into a relationship. Instead of ignoring the breakup, pretending like nothing happened, and hoping for the best, figure out why the breakup happened and if you’ve made the necessary changes to avoid breaking up in the future. If you’re the same maturity and behavior-wise as you were when you were together, getting back together would be a big mistake.
It’d soon lead to another disagreement, betrayal, and/or disconnection and tempt the more exhausted person to run for the hills.
Therefore, you have to uncover more details. You have to learn if you and your ex have made the necessary changes to effectively work together and avoid or resolve upcoming conflicts. You’ve broken up once, so you could break up again. It’s easier to break up the second or third time because couples normalize breaking up and consider it a solution to their relationship problems.
They get so used to giving up and feeling empowered by the breakup that they abandon the relationship as soon as they feel unheard or disrespected. That’s why couples must avoid breaking up unless they have no other choice. Once they break up or even threaten to break up, they, lower or destroy each other’s faith in the relationship. Many exes can’t undo the damage caused by abandonment and would rather move on with someone else than get back together and work on the broken relationship.
Each reconciliation requires different questions, answers, and solutions.
If you broke up because of infidelity, you must be completely transparent with each other and work on rebuilding trust. If you broke up because of constant or unhealthy arguing, you must work on your, triggers, anger, and responses. And if you broke up because of different mentalities and relationship goals, you must leave each other alone until you’re ready to compromise and change your beliefs.
You mustn’t get back together just because you’re attached, lonely, bored, confused, guilty, or scared of losing each other. Getting back together should be considered an option only when you still love each other and sense the desire in yourself and your ex to work on the problems that broke you up.
The easiest way to see if the problems have or can be fixed is to ask important questions. Questions will reveal how your ex thinks and feels about you and whether he or she is prepared to invest time and effort into aspects of the relationship that need work. If your ex expects things to work on their own and doesn’t want to make any changes, your ex probably expects you to do all the work.
He or she doesn’t know that relationships take two to maintain and break.
Getting back with an ex with such a fixed mentality would be a waste of time as you’d feel alone throughout the reconciliation process. You’d wonder why you took your ex back when your ex shows no desire to cooperate and treat you as an equal. Needless to say, such a relationship wouldn’t last long. It would end when someone gets tired of feeling neglected and unfulfilled.
So before you get back together with an ex, learn more about your ex’s way of thinking. Do so by asking your ex questions about his or her post-breakup discoveries and (inner) changes. Make sure your ex has changed and that his or her personality, views, habits, goals, and love languages are compatible with yours. You don’t want to start a serious relationship with your ex just to learn that your ex is still the same as he or she was when you broke up.
A relationship like that is doomed from the beginning. It will fail due to a lack of healthy improvement and compatibility.
That’s why I’ve compiled a list of important questions to ask your ex before getting back together. These questions will test your ex’s growth and resolve to work with you and alone on things that need to improve.
If you’re a dumpee, you want to ensure your ex is willing to give you back your power. And if you’re a dumper, you want to make sure your ex has changed and that you’re willing to forgive and invest.
In this post, we talk about the questions you should ask your ex before getting back together.
Questions to ask your ex before getting back together
When you reconnect with your ex and receive an opportunity to get back together, you’ll want to ensure you’re on the same page about the things you previously weren’t. You’ll essentially have to do some digging and figure out whether you even should get back together. Emotionally, you’re probably compatible otherwise you wouldn’t have dated for as long as you did.
The main question is whether you’ve improved as individuals, left the past behind, and committed to working together as a couple.
Many ex-couples reconcile but fail to build a strong foundation. Instead of asking the right questions and increasing their relationship standards, they rush back into a relationship without addressing their personal and relationship issues.
Because of high expectations and little effort, they soon find themselves in yet another predicament and develop negative beliefs. They convince themselves a romantic relationship is meant to work on its own without much effort and that when it doesn’t work, it’s because it isn’t the right one for them.
Though some relationships with issues should end, this isn’t true for all relationships.
Most relationships can be saved, provided couples know what they’re doing. Those who fail do so not because they’re not meant to be but because the people in them are incapable of identifying problems and unwilling to work on things within their ability to control. The problem for many couples is that they let things get out of control. They fail or refuse to take action before simple issues grow into resentment and contempt.
Such people refuse to lower their pride and acknowledge their mistakes. They like to hold others accountable for their actions, reactions, and unwanted emotions.
You have to learn whether your ex is one of those people. The best way to understand what your ex thinks, feels, and wants is to ask him or her some important questions. Once you’ve asked the questions, you must analyze your ex’s responses. Don’t just watch what your ex says, but also how he or she says it. If your ex just tells you what you want to hear without putting his or her heart into it, your ex may just want something from you.
This could be relationship benefits such as sex, validation, friendship, money, or forgiveness. It’s in your best interest to confirm your ex actually has romantic feelings for you and wants you back for the right reasons. The right reasons include striving toward relationship goals together as a couple.
Having said that, here are some questions to ask your ex before getting back together.
- How come you want to get back together? (you want to hear your ex say that he/she loves you)
- What made you realize you want to reconcile? (discover what or who triggered reflection, nostalgia, and regret. If it was another person, you want your ex to be done with that person)
- Why do you think our relationship ended? (test your ex’s awareness)
- Why do you think this relationship will work better? (ensure that the past won’t affect your new relationship)
- What have you learned about yourself and relationships in general?
- What do you expect to change?
- Are you willing to give couples therapy a try?
- What are some of the things you want me to change or work on?
- The relationship will take some time to fix. Are you willing to be patient and work on rebuilding trust and love?
It’s important to talk about the old and new relationship problems before you get involved with your ex again. Your ex’s answers will reveal whether your ex is determined to do the work and increase the chances of staying in a fulfilling long-term relationship with you.
Besides the questions, you should also make certain statements. Your statements should convey the message that you respect yourself and that you won’t tolerate previous/unhealthy behaviors. Your ex must see that your love for yourself is bigger than your love for him or her and that you might terminate the relationship if your wants and needs aren’t met.
As a dumpee, you must demonstrate strength and self-reliance. The dumper must see that you’re putting yourself first and that you won’t get back together unless your ex is willing to prove his or her worth. If your ex doesn’t reach your expectations and give you the relationship you want, you’ll have no choice but to break up and stop interacting.
To make your ex take you seriously the second time around, you can say things like:
- I’m willing to take you back, but only if we commit to real/long-lasting change.
- I’ve learned a lot after the breakup, I hope you have too.
- My expectations are higher this time around.
- This time, I want you to…
- I’m willing to invest, but I’m prioritizing my emotional well-being.
- If things don’t improve or we fall back into old patterns, I’ll be forced to leave.
- This is the only/last time we reconcile. If we break up again, that’s it.
The dumper must see that you’re not jumping up and down at the thought of reconciliation (even if you are) and that you’ll pack your things and leave if he or she doesn’t bring stability into your life. If your ex sees that you’re not joking around, your ex will feel the need to work on him/herself and the relationship and try harder to impress you.
For a couple of weeks or so, your ex must work on regaining your trust and love. That’s the best way for your ex to understand your worth and learn to respect you.
Having said that, here’s why you should ask your ex lots of questions before getting back together.
What if my ex doesn’t respond well to my questions?
If your ex doesn’t respond how you want him or her to, it means that your ex hasn’t learned his or her lessons and that your ex most likely won’t learn them in the relationship with you. Your ex will continue to think and behave as before and bring out the worst in you. Eventually, you’ll lose the drive to maintain the relationship and break up again.
You can avoid this by refusing to get back with your ex. Tell your ex you’re not happy with his or her answers and that you want to focus on yourself instead. By doing so, you will respectfully reject your ex’s wish to get back together and perhaps even inspire your ex to take the breakup seriously.
Whether your ex learns and improves no longer concerns you. What matters is that you avoid getting back with someone who shows no signs of improvement. It’s better for you as well as your ex that you permanently end things when you’re certain that the relationship with your ex would continue rather than start anew.
For things to work, you and your ex must be changed people. You must act maturely and respectfully toward each other and bond as a couple. A close, stress-free bond is needed for you to get through the new relationship stages and see reasons for staying together.
So don’t get back with your ex if your ex doesn’t answer your questions properly. If your ex avoids answering directly, avoids taking responsibility, and shows no or very little growth, your ex likely isn’t ready for a new serious relationship. Your ex just wants what he or she lost. Once he or she has regained it, your ex will likely treat you and the relationship as before.
This means you’ll get your hopes up, become attached, and get broken up with and hurt again.
If you’re undecided about whether your ex is the one for you, it’s because you lack proof that your ex is the right partner for you. It may be better to reject your ex’s invitation to a relationship and continue to process the breakup/look for someone else. Remember that your ex hasn’t given you enough to work with and that it will be easier to start from scratch with someone who can give you what you want from the start.
Consider getting back with a former partner only when he or she truly regrets breaking up with you and appears to be consistent at making a good impression on you. Such an ex will be easier to work with and trust than someone who just wants you for the things he or she can get from you.
What questions do you want to ask before you get back together with your ex? Post them in the comments section below.
However, if you want guidance with asking your ex important pre-reconciliation questions, consider subscribing to personal coaching. Once you’ve signed up, you can share your story and ask any breakup-related questions.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
