Exes often drink, party, and engage in self-destructive behaviors after the breakup.
They feel a strong sense of relief and a need to express their relief, so they act on their post-breakup emotions and distract themselves in ways that aren’t always the healthiest for them.
Some dumpers don’t do anything differently whereas others make new friends and start drinking, partying, doing drugs, going out a lot, traveling, dressing differently, using new words, and acting out of character.
Those who act differently use the time after the breakup to enjoy themselves rather than to improve themselves. They don’t see breakups the way dumpees do – as opportunities to reflect and grow.
That’s why they make only superficial changes that change their lives visibly and oftentimes socially.
Maturity and relationship-wise, they stay exactly as they are as drinking, partying, and other unproductive behaviors don’t inspire reflection and growth.
Dumpers who appear unrecognizable, therefore, only appear that way. Real/positive changes are the last things they make as such things take months of time and conscious effort. They can’t expect to improve their shortcomings and their lives in general just by dumping someone and entering heavy drinking territory.
So if your ex started drinking and partying after the breakup and it hurts you, I strongly encourage you to change how you view your ex’s behavior. Right now, you probably envy your ex because your ex is having the time of his or her life without you.
You feel scared because you don’t know what or who is making your ex act this way.
But instead of feeling that your ex has accomplished great things without you, pity your ex instead. Remember that your ex could have improved from the breakup and found healthy and meaningful things to do.
But instead, your ex chose to ignore self-reflection and chase immediate gratification.
There’s nothing wrong with being spontaneous at times, but being spontaneous all the time and showing no care for the future is definitely not okay. Impulsiveness and acts of recklessness prevent your ex from slowing down and addressing issues that are begging to be addressed.
By ignoring valuable breakup lessons, your ex isn’t just wasting the chance to make some positive changes but also picking up some bad habits in the process. Your ex is relying on people who provide instant pleasure and not-so-healthy distractions.
I suppose your ex wants to be perceived differently and is open to other people’s influence. I’m talking about people who can influence your ex the most such as your ex’s friends, peers, coworkers, and family members. Regardless of who your ex is hanging out with, they stand with your ex and help your ex move forward.
I understand why your ex’s drinking and partying bothers you. You were used to your ex having a different/less social and more conservative kind of lifestyle. You didn’t expect your ex to disassociate from you and show you he/she didn’t care anymore.
You certainly didn’t expect your ex to get wild and act like a teenager. It’s your ex’s irresponsible, self-harmful behavior that confuses you and hurts you the most.
It makes you think you had something to do with your ex’s indulgence in new behaviors and activities when in reality, the culprit responsible for your ex’s partying and/or drinking is your ex’s relief and a desire to reinvent himself or herself.
As a dumpee, you don’t want to think that you were holding your ex back from having fun and exploring life. You want to think you were a positive influence on your ex and that you enabled him or her to succeed in life and be happy.
If you’re afraid you made things harder for your ex, rest assured that you weren’t holding your ex back. Your ex merely acted on empowering post-breakup emotions and used the breakup to try some new things.
Your ex may have been more of an introvert/indoors person while you were together, but that doesn’t mean your ex liked it and wanted to stay in his or her comfort zone all his or her life. Your ex may have secretly craved a more social lifestyle but didn’t have the energy and willpower to commit to it.
Regardless of whether your ex liked the kind of life he or she had with you, your ex will eventually get used to the new lifestyle and revert to a less impulse-driven one.
That’s when your ex will look more like the person you’re used to and might even stop drinking and partying. Most dumpers do wild things only for a month or two. They eventually run out of steam and do crazy things only occasionally.
So don’t think that your ex has permanently changed into a different person and that you’re to blame for that. If your ex is like other dumpers, your ex will soon lose interest in drinking, partying, and other meaningless activities and go back to living a “normal” life.
A normal life entails nothing crazy that your ex is doing right now. Not unless your ex gets addicted to them, of course. But in that case, you have even less to envy and worry about.
Today, we discuss why you shouldn’t worry about your ex’s partying after a breakup and what you should do instead.
My ex is drinking/partying after a breakup
If your ex is drinking, partying, dating, and/or spending lots of time with friends and family after a breakup, this isn’t unusual. Dumpers often distract themselves by engaging in activities that give them the most satisfaction.
New and old activities allow them to take their minds off their ex and help them focus on people who make them feel comfortable and supported.
You shouldn’t take your ex’s unusual behavior personally because if you do, you’ll have a difficult time loving yourself and moving on. You’ll overprioritize what your ex is doing and underprioritize and neglect what you’re doing.
That will make you extremely obsessed with your ex and hinder you from detaching, improving, and finding your purpose and joy in life.
So try not to worry about your ex’s drinking and partying. What your ex does is irrelevant and unimportant. All that matters is what you’re doing and whether you’re learning and growing from this ordeal. Your life is about you, not your ex.
If your ex chooses to drink himself or herself to death, that’s your ex’s decision and problem.
You no longer have the right or the influence to guide your ex and disagree with his or her decisions. Now that you’re an ex, your ex won’t listen to you even if you express your negative views. Your ex will think it’s none of your business and that you shouldn’t meddle with what your ex does and doesn’t do.
So save yourself the effort and stay out of your ex’s way. Let your ex drink and party as much as he or she wants while you focus on more productive things.
Figure out why the breakup happened (get closure), reflect on your shortcomings, increase your self-esteem and emotional strength, improve your relationship skills, regain your passion, surround yourself with uplifting people, and strive to become the best version of yourself.
The reason why you care about your ex’s new life so much is that you’re in pain.
Pain from rejection is making you:
- feel unworthy and replaced
- regret some of your actions
- compare yourself to your ex’s new life
- and feel hopeless because of how your ex treated you and what your ex is doing after the breakup
Once you’ve processed the breakup and stopped feeling anxious, you’ll also stop wondering whether your ex is drowning in alcohol or watching tv all day, every day.
You’ll realize that thinking about what your ex is doing is a waste of time and that you have better things and people to think about.
Until that happens (aka until you detach and become emotionally independent), focus on yourself and accept that you’ll occasionally think about your ex and care about what your ex is doing. This is normal and expected of you as your ex has hurt you so badly that you now depend on your ex for validation and healing.
That being said, here’s why your ex is drinking and partying after a breakup.
Now that you know your ex is drinking and partying because he or she wants to, eliminate the possibility that you have something to do with your ex’s reasons for acting this way. Acknowledge that your ex is acting differently because of the post-breakup relief and that you can’t stop your ex from feeling and acting that way.
If you try to interfere with your ex’s moving-on process, you’ll probably trap your ex in an uncomfortable situation and risk bringing a negative reaction out of your ex. A negative reaction is any response that makes you feel pain and other unwanted emotions you could do without.
What to do when your ex is partying and drinking after the breakup?
If your ex is partying, there’s not much you can do about that. Complaining isn’t going to make your ex stop partying, nor will it make you feel better. It will probably just push your ex further away and make you more miserable.
That’s why the only thing you can do is stop stalking your ex, distance yourself from your ex, and accept that your ex is going through the stages of a breakup for the dumper.
By acknowledging that your ex feels empowered because your ex felt unhappy and trapped in the relationship, you should have an easier time understanding breakup dynamics and letting go of control.
Whatever you’re doing now isn’t working, so take my advice seriously and stop checking up on your ex and/or obtaining unnecessary information about your ex. You’ll feel better and heal much quicker if you remove your ex from your life and spend time with people who deserve your attention.
Your ex clearly doesn’t. He or she stopped being of any value to you when he or she initiated the breakup. Now that you’re exes, the only thing your ex can do for you is give you hope or take your hope away. Either way, your ex will either give you tons of hope or take too much hope away.
It’s best that you rely on yourself for healing and moving on.
So if your ex’s drinking and partying hurts you, don’t keep watching your ex like a hawk. Instead, decrease your attachment to your ex and take back control of your life.
Do this by:
- refusing to take your ex’s different/active post-breakup life personally
- learning more about breakups
- understanding why your ex is acting differently all of a sudden
- pitying your ex rather than envying him/her
- and staying in no contact and avoiding information about your ex that could hurt you
You basically need to take yourself out of the equation and change the way you perceive your ex’s behavior. When you do that, the things your ex says and does won’t affect your self-esteem that much anymore, nor will they make you think you had something to do with them.
They will instead encourage you to see that your ex feels empowered from delaying the breakup and that he or she is trying to stay active and busy in order to enjoy life and create a different kind of lifestyle.
Is your ex partying and drinking after the breakup? How did you find out? Comment below and share your story with us.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
So, I kind of have a different take. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because he was getting mean (we would fight usually about lack of quality time and he would curse or insult and dissociate – childhood trauma was his reason he would say). Anyways I got sick of it and finally had courage to leave. I had my issues too. And I never discounted them. We have houses together and planned a marriage and I was a step mom to his daughter and cared for his dog.
Fast forward two months later, I am living in one house and him in the other. I went to the other house to see the dog unannounced when he was at work and to get a few forgotten things (In honesty I did this several times last month). Each time I found booze in the fridge and in the recycling. He doesn’t drink. I guess he does now. He hates it in fact bc again childhood. I noticed he has purchased Christmas gifts for a new woman and there was makeup there. I was very upset and stopped going to see the dog. (I took care of that dog everyday. I fed him and walked him. He didn’t care. He is a neglectful man, I miss my dog!).
What is he doing? A month ago he was telling me if I live in that other house we should ultimately be getting back together. I said I needed time alone. I meant it. I am self improving. I quit weed. It’s been 90 days. I go to the gym and eat healthy every day. I have been easy to get ahold of, friendly and helpful. I’m the beginning of the break up I was a bit cold and detached I admit. But I feel regret for not allowing him to go to counseling and work it out. (I know how hard it is to change so I ultimately left). I feel and look great. But this hurts my heart. How could there be someone to buy gifts for already? How could he move on so quickly? Was it all lies?
Hi Jessica.
Since you left him, it could be that he’s developed a habit of drinking to cope with the unfortunate situation (the breakup). He may be struggling and seeing other women to fill the void in his chest. I don’t think he’s moved on this quickly. It takes dumpees months and months to fully recover.
So don’t take the things you see to heart, it’s probably just his way of dealing with anxiety.
Sincerely,
Zan
I have an odd outcome to the post-dumping time; She dumped me, then went cold turkey on alcohol, non-healthy foods, etc., etc., basically blaming her withholding of being honest and sharing her true feelings for me (“that she fell out of love, and couldn’t see us together”) for fear of hurting me… she was drinking and so forth to numb the sad feeling of not wanting to hurt me. She knows how much I care for her.
Funny, not funny, though, that the drinking was a problem – every single day – and drinking to excess, so that she was near blackout drunk about every day, too. And it wasn’t me offering or making alcohol available to her… she was drinking by herself most nights.
I loved her in that mess, and would have loved her even more to be sober every day… so somehow this all culminated in her having to get away from me to “get back to life”.
To say she is a different person now is very true – lost weight, eating healthy, stopped drinking, etc.,etc. Is this a reverse side of the “go rage and party” after a dumping… just turn over a brand new leaf and become a brand new person, except this person is doing healthy things?? It’s very much a dissassociate from me and have a brand new identity… is this a thing as well??
Hi Easydoesit.
She’s trying to be better or different. This may be due to wanting to impress some other person. I can’t say for sure, but she seems to want to distance herself from the old her. Only time will tell if these changes are permanent. For now, her goal is to work on herself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan for this article ❤️
Thanks for reading Linda!
Zan
I’m just continually astonished at your level of insight and and understanding.
As iv said before I didn’t enjoy your work at first because as you acknowledge yourself you don’t give false hope.
I was adamant my situation was special but inevitably nearly everything you say has come to pass.
One of the saddest things for me is she threw away a LOT of her, rather impressive, moral boundaries last year.
She had quit smoking cold turkey and made a big song and dance about it every year on the anniversary, when she told me she’d had a few cigarettes it actually hurt more than news of other guys, because I knew instantly once she returned to ‘normal’ so to speak she’d regret a lot of her actions.
I actually believe the relief that you describe so perfectly acts almost as a mental injury, doing things on a whim that they will later regret.
It hurts like hell but I’m now at peace with completely leaving her alone, we share kids and I didn’t actually beg and plead, unfortunately I believed I was in a better situation than I was and tried to force and manipulate her back.
That’s over now, she isn’t as angry with me when we exchange kids and I think she is starting to explore dating.
I need to be out of the road, out of the way and blameless for whatever might happen next.
She will either be happy or at some point have to face her almost complete blame for the dissolution of our seven year relationship.
I realise that at some point, if necessary, the relationship will speak for itself, there is no onus on me to ‘remind her’ about our great connection or that we actually had a great relationshio until we had young kids in the house. Even if that’s one of the most frustrating points (that our honeymoon period lasted five years…) I see now that it’s just certainly not an option, she has to see it herself.
More pertinently I also see that she HAS to come back herself, yeah right now I’d take her back any which way but I also see that if I did catch her on a low day and got my foot back in the door that she could just as easily disappear again.
So even without it being a choice I understand it has to be her coming back on her own or not coming back at all.
. And it’s all thanks to you that I see this.
I spent too long thinking a perfect recovery was the only way to improve but I see that I don’t feel anywhere near as bad as I used to.
I can eat, I can function, I can live.
So I still feel bad but I feel better and your eloquent descriptions of her actions has been so needed.
I’m sure on some level she has been astonished by my distance and composure, again though a conversation that may never happen.
Iv finally got my driving licence, iv lost a ton of weight and I’m looking after myself again.
Being tied to her indefinitely with the children removes certain options but I may aswell take advantage of the biggest drawback.
I can remain as silent as I need to be and she has no choice but to see any improvement or change in a natural way.
Thanks so much again.
“…there is no onus on me to ‘remind her’ about our great connection or that we actually had a great relationshio until we had young kids in the house.”
Please don’t blame your poor little kids. I hope that’s not what you’re implying Steven. If you are, then she’s the one dodging a bullet. It sounds like you are saying having your kids around contributed to the demise of the relationship, just saying.
Not at all, I dote on those guys, I dread beyond dread having to interact with her and seeing her but those two seem to be the only two people in the world that are happy to see me. I feel myself when I have them and they truly are in so many ways my best friends.
I also feel its reciprocated, my ex constantly complains about them wanting to see me more often and since I have grown and evolved I even felt sad when I had them for a week and they weren’t happy to see their mum at all, it provided validation for myself because I thought they just missed me and what have you because they saw me less.
If anything the only thing I can blame them for is I love them too much and I focused on them to such an extreme degree I forgot to be a boyfriend.
That being said life was extremely tough when they were smaller, I had the capacity to understand that that is only natural, unfortunately my ex didn’t have the wherewithal to see that a exciting, fun-filled and fulfilling relationship took a mysterious dip almost perfectly timed to coincide with the youngest one starting to become mobile.
So yes technically it’s the kids fault but I’m way too over equipped mentally to blame them. It’s just natural that romance and excitement would take a back seat.
We were both miserable for want of a better word but I understood why and that it would naturally get better with age whereas my ex projected her misery onto me coming up with more and more outlandish ideas about how I could fix things.
Five people lived in that house and all struggled to a certain degree with the setup, as is natural.
The one person who had it toughest simply buckled and could not hold on anymore, but with that instantly turned everything on its head prioritising her own personal issues over four other people’s.
At best she invalidated everything she had done before it so successfully and at worst she was just extremely selfish and flipped five peoples lives upside down so she could be happy.
Hi Steven.
I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. You noticed that there is no such thing as a perfect breakup plan that would reattract your ex. There is only one plan that entails leaving your ex alone and not making things worse. As you say, it has to be your ex’s idea to revisit the relationship. You can’t push this idea on her because she’ll feel disrespected and smothered.
So do what is in your power to control, Steven. Work out, study, eat better, make some new friends, and engage in lots of fun activities. Those are just a few things that make you feel better and also help you look more attractive.
You’ve got this!
Zan
I would add that, if your ex is close to or over 30 and acting like a party girl, she’s got some major unresolved issues you weren’t seeing. I would ask yourself, what does it say when a grown woman starts acting like a 22-year old, or younger? It’s not just a question of her being relieved and enjoying her new-found freedom. She’s literally reverted to a maturity level of a decade prior. Finally, if she came out of a long-term, live-in relationship, she’s likely terrified of the uncertainty of the future. What if the grass isn’t greener? In short, if your ex the dumper doesn’t act in a dignified and mature way after the break-up, you’ve likely dodged a bullet in the long run
Hi Doug.
Partying at a certain age could indeed be a sign of immaturity or a lack of responsibility. Just don’t forget that dumpers feel relieved and that they feel the need to do something with their newfound energy and freedom. They think that they shouldn’t waste their lives because life is too short, etc.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Firstly thank you so much for this blog. It has helped me (33M) tremendously during the past 6 months as I’m recovering from the end of an 8-year relationship with the woman (29F) I thought I’d marry and be with forever; also my best friend. It’s been a huge struggle, and I’m still in the attachment, emotional struggles, wanting her back, rumination, lacking confidence and vitality, etc. – but less than before. I’ve been seeing her every week to exchange our dog, which hasn’t helped. And we own a condo together, which we have to deal with. I also made breakup mistakes, like romantic gestures (writing her a letter, flowers, etc.) and her reactions were pretty traumatic. She basically just laughed uncomfortably, and then started cooking while I was trying to understand what was happening and why she broke up with me. Except for one instance, she would roll her eyes and run away from any attempt to talk about things. The complete 180 of our dynamic was really shocking. She made me feel like a homeless crackhead asking her for money. I can also note that this is my first heartbreak, so I was particularly crushed and had NO IDEA what the breakup dynamics were.
In any case, she started partying and going on tons of dates and sleeping around within ~2 weeks of the breakup; which, again, was totally shocking after being with her for 8 years and not understanding how she could have detached so much while I was still so in love with her and had saved up for an engagement ring. She eventually told me she had apparently been considering this for a year and so was miles ahead in her recovery. I still struggle to understand this, honestly — We even went on a really fun road trip only 2 months before the breakup and she wasn’t showing any signs that she was unhappy. Mutual friends have told me she basically hasn’t even mentioned my name since the breakup and now blames our relationship for her anxiety and migraines. She says she hasn’t experienced them since breaking up with me, which I’m assuming is related to the relief stage and the high-dopamine lifestyle. But it’s such strange logic because she has had migraines and anxiety since before I met her. I wonder if she’s subconsciously trying to justify her decision to leave the relationship. I painfully hold on to hope that one day she might realize the mistake she made once she comes down from this high.
Anyway there’s some context. My questions are: She’s been partying for six months. Is this the relief phase or is this just who she is now? She did say to me that she used to “work hard and play hard,” as some kind of strange justification for leaving me. It didn’t make any sense to me at the time, but now I’m wondering if I should take her at face value. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but there was no significant fighting or cheating or anything, and I loved her and cared for her deeply and was always there for her. Is it possible she left me because she wanted to party and experience new things? We were together since she was 21, so I wonder if ‘grass is greener syndrome’ could play a role.
Hi Mark.
She had doubts for a while. You didn’t know about them, but they were definitely there for a while. They made her detach before she initiated the breakup. It looks like she picked up some partying habits along the way. They probably won’t last forever.
She didn’t leave you because she wanted to party, but because she focused on the negative things and felt trapped. She thought the only way to be happy was to leave and look for happiness elsewhere. She took you for granted after 8 years due to GIGS and a lack of investment toward the end. To stay with you, she needed to find a way to get rid of doubts.
Best,
Zan