If your ex wants to take things slow, your ex hasn’t fully recovered yet. He or she still feels overwhelmed by the negative events that occurred before, during, or after the breakup and needs more time to process the past. Your ex needs you to stop expecting more than he or she can do and give and slow down the pace.
To understand what exactly your ex needs or doesn’t need from you, you must talk to your ex and ask the right questions. Your ex knows what behaviors swamp him or her with negative emotions and how he or she feels when you move too fast and expect too much too soon. There’s no better person to talk to about this than your ex.
If your ex is capable of talking about emotions and wants to make the relationship work, rest assured that your ex will express emotions properly and tell you what you need to know. Your ex will do it because he or she will want to make the relationship work.
But generally, an ex who wants to take things slow wants:
- less talking/texting, hanging out, and bonding
- less physical intimacy such as sleeping together, hugging, holding hands, and kissing (especially in public)
- fewer romantic and non-romantic expectations
- no serious relationship commitments and discussions such as marriage and moving in together
- more consistency and actions that rebuild trust
- letting your ex dictate the flow of the relationship
It’s important to understand that dumpers and dumpees want to take things slow for different reasons.
Dumpers want to take it slow because they’re not 100% certain they want to be in a relationship. They still doubt their ex’s ability to make them happy in the present and the future, so they keep their distance and prepare their escape plan in case the relationship doesn’t give them the satisfaction they crave.
Oftentimes, they have reservations because they don’t appreciate their ex as much as they could.
They:
- lack gratitude and understanding of their ex’s feelings
- fear being alone and losing their ex
- despise committing to their ex and lacking freedom
- talk to other people and have someone new lined up
- have all the power and expect their ex to convince them why he or she deserves another chance
As for dumpees, they tend to take things slow because they don’t fully trust their dumper and want the dumper to earn their trust and commitment. They want to invest in the dumper, but they want to do it on their terms to avoid overinvesting and getting their hearts broken again.
Essentially, they like their ex’s presence and feelings, but they want to protect themselves by keeping their ex out of their heart as much as possible. Emotional distance makes them feel safer than closeness because they feel they have at least some control over the relationship and the pain they would feel if things don’t work out.
Dumpees are afraid and want to hold on to the power their ex gave back to them by coming back. They want to take things slow as they’ve been abandoned by the person they loved and trusted with their feelings and well-being.
Some of them have even been cheated on and replaced by another person.
Such dumpees want to take things slow because they want the dumper to prove over time that he or she has learned from the breakup and is committed to making the relationship succeed.
Dumpees want their ex to show:
- care, love, and respect
- an improved relationship mentality
- better communication and other relationship skills
- more empathy, self-awareness, and honesty
- the ability to listen, act maturely, and put their ex first
- willingness to compromise and deal with challenging situations
They need their ex to demonstrate growth and a desire to have a serious long-lasting relationship that won’t fail for the same reason as the previous one.
So if your ex is a dumpee, bear in mind that your ex probably wants to take things slow because your ex is worried that you’ll take his or her love and devotion to the relationship for granted again and abandon him or her. Your ex wants to make sure you’ve evolved in ways you needed to and that you’re open to constant change and improvement.
That would reassure your ex that you’ve come back for the right reasons and that you’re prepared to sacrifice some things for the sake of the relationship.
However, if your dumper ex wants to take things slow, then you don’t have a very positive sign of the relationship working out. It could still work, of course, but I’ve seen enough failed reconciliations to know that dumpers who take things slow and expect their ex to be okay with it don’t stay for long. Most of the time, they consider the relationship emotionally draining and leave when they get tired of it.
Committed dumpers come back and invest in their ex. They realize their mistakes and want things to move relatively fast due to anxiety/separation anxiety, fear of losing the dumpee, and the immense desire to reconnect emotionally.
There’s no need for them to take things slow when they rediscover their ex’s worth and need their ex back for validation and safety purposes. A slow reconciliation indicates a lack of regret, feelings, and emotional investment.
They could lose interest and leave again when they encounter problems they can’t or don’t want to deal with, get overwhelmed with doubts, and lose faith in the relationship.
In this post, we explore why your ex wants to take things slow and what you should do if you want to have a trusting relationship built on mutual trust, honesty, and respect.
What does taking things slow mean?
Taking things slow means decreasing the pace and intensity of the relationship down to the level your partner is comfortable with. It means to avoid expecting your partner to go all in and have an intense/fully trusting relationship with you.
Your partner or ex-partner expects you to respect his or her boundaries and emotional capabilities. And your ex wants you to do that by understanding that the breakup has damaged the relationship dynamics, trust, and innocence you had before you broke up.
Due to the damage caused by the breakup, your ex finds it hard to invest wholeheartedly and act like nothing happened. If your ex were to act normal, he or she would be faking his or her feelings and the ability to trust you.
Hence, your ex prefers to stay in his or her comfort zone and invest in the relationship only as much as feels natural to him or her. Your ex expects you to follow his or her lead and be okay with fewer relationship talks than before.
If your ex is the dumper, your ex probably doesn’t need more space and time to trust you and love you. Not unless you cheated on your ex or did something to make it difficult for your ex to invest in you. In that case, your ex probably needs to see that you regret acting on emotions and that you know how to avoid doing the same thing in the future.
But if you didn’t do anything to hurt your ex’s trust literally overnight, then you don’t need to earn back your ex’s trust. The problem isn’t with your ex’s inability to trust you but with his or her lack of feelings and commitment.
When the dumper isn’t sure about you for no apparent reason, his or her biggest problem is his or her negative perception of you and the temptation to pursue a relationship with someone else. Whether that person is close to your ex or exists only in your ex’s imagination doesn’t matter because your ex thinks he or she can be happier alone or with someone else.
Your ex thinks life can be more fulfilling without you.
This kind of thinking can be extremely dangerous because it tempts the dumper to explore other dating options. It prevents him or her from valuing you and trying hard to make the relationship work.
Dumpers and people in general only value others when they invest time, emotions, and money in them. Continuous investments remind them why people are important to them and what they will lose if they stop talking to them.
Anyway, taking things slow means a person isn’t able to reciprocate your feelings as strongly and quickly as you may want him or her to. Your ex currently doesn’t feel emotionally ready for an emotionally intensive relationship and hopes that time will fix it.
Whether time fixes it is hard to predict. It depends on what the reason for his or her emotional unreceptiveness is. If the dumpee has a difficult time trusting the dumper fully, time and communication) may indeed help the dumpee lower his or her guard and match the dumper’s energy and investment.
The dumpee could slowly get closer to the dumper until he or she stops being afraid of falling deep in love and getting dumped and hurt again.
But if the dumper refuses to commit and invest fully (move at a normal/faster pace), the dumper doesn’t yet know if the relationship is truly what he or she wants. Eventually, it might be, but at the moment, it doesn’t give the dumper what he or she needs.
This means the dumper might give up on the relationship and give someone else a try (not necessarily in the same order).
It’s quite a gamble as anything could happen when the dumper has doubts about the relationship. Doubts are extremely dangerous as they often lead to detachment, resentment, and abandonment.
When doubts are unmaintained, they increase and 99% of the time, cause the dumper to leave.
Typically relationships (new and reconciled ones) move quite fast and progress at a steady rate. Couples crave time and affection and feel good in each other’s company, so they spend a lot of time together, feel empowered, and appreciate each other. This is a sign that both parties have feelings, respect, and trust and that they’re emotionally ready to give and receive love.
When they aren’t over the past and question the relationship, however, it’s quite the opposite. They spend or want to spend most of their time alone, appear unhappy or express unhappiness, withhold romantic feelings and compliments, avoid relationship topics, and lack common goals and purpose.
They’re together because they don’t want to lose the relationship completely rather than because they want to be together.
Having said that, here’s what it means when an ex wants to take things slow after reconciliation.
What should I do when my ex wants to take things slow?
If your ex wants to take things slow, ask your ex why he or she feels the need to take things slower.
If your dumpee ex says he or she is scared and needs to trust you before he or she lets you in his or her heart, you should respect your ex’s feelings and understand the trauma your abandonment and post-breakup behavior have caused your ex.
You must not only understand it but also be willing to help your ex feel safe, respected, needed, and important. You must communicate openly and patiently and show your ex that you can be trusted again.
It could take months or longer for your ex to stop protecting himself or herself from a potential breakup. No matter how long it takes, you must be empathetic and giving no matter how difficult it is not to feel trusted.
Remember that the breakup wounded your ex deeply and that your ex will need your reassurance and commitment.
As for a dumper ex, he or she doesn’t need that much understanding from you. The dumper is the one who caused you pain and abandoned you to pursue happiness elsewhere. If anyone needs reassurance and safety, it’s you.
The dumper shouldn’t come back until he or she has discovered your romantic worth and decided to make things right.
If the dumper is uncertain about being with you, it’s a huge red flag. It’s unlikely that the dumper will stay with you long-term because doubts seldom go away on their own. When the dumper is doubtful from the beginning, he or she tends to get even more doubtful as days go by.
Most dumpers leave again when they convince themselves the relationship isn’t making them happy. They get tired of feeling unhappy and abandon their dumpee to focus on themselves.
If you notice that your dumper ex wants to take things slow, the dumper probably isn’t ready to be with you yet (and may not be ready in the future either). He or she may still be processing the end of the relationship he or she had after the relationship with you and is seeing you to fill the void.
Perhaps your ex will one day deal with his or her personal issues and want to invest in you fully. It’s hard to say because many people use their dumpee ex for their selfish gain.
From my experience, you shouldn’t put in more effort when an ex wants to take things slow. You should keep in mind it’s far from normal for the dumper to be exhausted after getting back with the dumpee and figure out why the dumper can’t invest wholeheartedly.
Ask the dumper what’s making him or her hold back emotionally. “I need more time” isn’t a good answer. It doesn’t explain what or who is causing the dumper to take things slowly. You need to know if another person or if something tragic like a death in the family is making the dumper preoccupied emotionally.
In those cases, you can make an exception and wait for your ex to resolve his or her issues. While you’re waiting, remember that your ex may use you for distraction or support and leave you afterward.
There’s no guarantee that a dumper who wants to take things slowly will feel comfortable with you a few weeks later. From my observations, it tends to get worse. The dumper gets stressed and overwhelmed and leaves again.
That’s why I always advise dumpees to make sure their ex is regretful about leaving and grateful to be with them. Their ex must be emotionally receptive and ready to start a relationship from scratch rather than continue it from where it left off.
There must be no more resentment, anger, or doubt when reconciliation happens. Such emotions make the new relationship extremely difficult and tempt dumpers to leave when things don’t go their way.
All in all, be careful about an ex who wants to take things slow. Consider his or her reasons for wanting space and decide if you want to take a risk with someone so unpredictable. In my opinion, it’s not worth being with a person who’s not certain about being with you.
It’s better to consider the relationship over and start anew with someone who can immediately (not weeks or months later) give you what you need.
Let your ex take things slow only if your ex is going through something difficult and personal or if you dumped your ex and/or hurt your ex immensely and deserved to get dumped. In such cases, you can give your ex some time to open up to you and see that you can provide safety, reassurance, and other things he or she may need from you.
Does your ex want to take things slow? Why does your ex want that? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you need help with your ex or just want someone to talk to, book a session with us. We’ll analyze your story and offer explanations, closure, and guidance.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
