Cheating is wrong, whether it’s with a friend, an ex, or a random person. It conveys that you lack commitment to your partner and the ability to resist temptations. Cheaters prioritize their cravings and needs over their partner even though they know they will eventually have to pay the price for refusing to do the right thing.
I suppose their need for validation is stronger than their morals, so they focus on the things they can get and feel in the moment and ignore the problems and condemnation they will face in the future. All they want is to get what they’re missing or craving and fulfill their emotional needs.
When you cheat on your partner with your ex, your actions show that you’re not over your ex yet or that you miss the (sexual) chemistry between you and your ex. A part of you desires the bond, familiarity, and dynamics unique to your relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship with your partner is bad, but that you value what you had or could have with your ex more.
That means you lack gratitude for your partner and that something pulls you toward your ex. That something is likely unprocessed romantic feelings as well as unmet expectations and cravings in your current relationship. You expected your new partner to solve all your problems, but that didn’t happen, most likely because the main reason you started dating was to replace your ex and the feelings he or she made you feel.
Because you failed to do that in the set amount of time, you got close to your ex and cheated with your ex on your partner when you reconnected fully and got the chance to cheat. You did what your heart desired and branded yourself as a cheater. By doing so, you complicated the relationship with your ex and the relationship with your partner. Now, you probably feel guilty, doubtful, and confused at the same time.
You’re not sure whether to apologize to your partner, break things off, go back to your ex, or try to hide it. All you know is that you acted on your feelings and that you now have to face the consequences of your actions (karma). You can try to learn from your mistakes and fix what you can or run away and avoid acting responsibly.
The choice is yours to make.
Just keep in mind that there’s no changing the past. Either way, you’ll have to live with regrets until you’ve learned to accept them.
If your goal is to get back with your ex, I’ll be frank with you. You shouldn’t have gotten involved with your partner in the first place. You don’t deserve another person’s love, commitment, reassurance, and relationship plans when your heart still belongs to your ex. You should have processed your feelings for your ex before you considered starting a new romantic relationship.
Dating a new person when you’re still in love with your ex often creates doubts, destroys the attraction, and causes a rebound. It triggers another breakup because you’re not emotionally ready to invest in another person.
Many people dream about sleeping with their ex and getting back together. They want to get close to their ex again and fulfill their emotional needs. The problem is that they’re with someone else already. Whether they love that person or not, they’re committed to a new relationship. Cheating and leaving their partner, especially for an ex, is a betrayal of trust and commitment.
If they don’t like their partner, they should leave the relationship rather than stay in it and use their partner for validation until they can get it from someone else. Relationships are not a game. People get attached and develop feelings. Their feelings get hurt when the person they trust the most refuses to put their feelings into consideration.
That’s why you must respect and value people’s (emotional) investment and commitment. You can do this by expressing gratitude and treating them well. When you mess up and hurt them, you must immediately take responsibility and do your best to help them feel better, even if it doesn’t help you at all. Relationships require sacrifices. You must sacrifice your happiness when you hurt or risk hurting your partner.
Anyway, if you cheated with your ex on your partner once, you can apologize, say you’ve realized it was extremely impulsive and selfish, and hope for the best. But if you cheated multiple times, then you can’t just say it was a one-time thing and that it meant nothing. Multiple betrayals are much harder to forgive because they occurred on multiple different occasions.
This means you enjoyed doing the deed with your ex and lacked remorse. It will take a miracle for your partner to want to work through it.
So if you’re cheating with an ex, ask yourself why you’re doing that and who you truly care about. Do you care about your partner or your former partner? The person you care about more is the person you have stronger feelings for. You may feel stronger about that person because you were rejected and hurt, but that’s beside the point.
The point is that you got involved with two people at the same time and that you need to pick your favorite. When you do that, you’ll be able to stop stringing your partner along.
In this article, we explore your options if you’re cheating on your partner with an ex.
Cheating with an ex is immoral
Whether you want to be with your ex romantically or just have a fling, you need to understand that you’re not getting anything positive out of it, especially long-term. You’re just acting on your urges and fulfilling your immediate needs. You may not see it, but you’re causing damage to all parties, including yourself. You’re backstabbing your partner, destroying/lowering your values, and making your ex your accomplice.
It’s important to know that cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone you’re dating. Cheating is bound to shock your partner, bring out your partner’s insecurities, uncover your partner’s unresolved traumas, and disorient him or her. It will wound your partner deeply and may even cause him or her long-term trust issues.
As for your ex-partner, the damage cheating does depends on his or her morals and understanding of the situation. If your ex has no idea you’re with someone new, your ex will likely discover it soon after your partner does. Your ex will likely dislike it unless he or she badly wants to be with you.
If your ex is the dumper, your ex likely just wants friendship with benefits. But if your ex is the dumpee, then your ex probably hopes that sex will lead back to reconciliation. You’ll have to talk to your ex to determine why your ex has come back all of a sudden and whether you both want the same things.
If you have feelings for your ex, getting back together on cheating terms probably isn’t the best way to start a new relationship with your ex. Not only will your ex know you’re an emotion-driven cheater, capable of abandoning him or her for someone else, but your ex will also consider you unreliable and unsafe to be with. There’s a good chance your ex will start to doubt things shortly after the infatuation period has ended.
If you don’t have feelings for your ex, then you need to figure out what you want out of the relationship with your partner. If you don’t love your partner and don’t want to be together anymore, end the relationship as soon as possible. Say that you weren’t happy because (insert your reasons here) and that you ended up cheating on him or her with your ex.
As hard as it is to be honest, remember that your partner deserves and needs to hear the truth so that he or she can get closure, self-improve, and avoid self-blame. Don’t lie to your partner and think it will make things better for everyone. If you lie, your partner will have the wrong information, do the wrong things, and try to fix things for the wrong reasons.
Lying will also affect your moral values and heighten your feelings of guilt and shame. You may think negatively of yourself and struggle to forgive yourself for years to come. Cheating was a big mistake. You can try to at least partially correct it by admitting to cheating and apologizing for it.
Honesty and empathy are essential after cheating. If you want to stay with your partner after being unfaithful, you must act with integrity and apologize for hurting him or her. Say that you lacked self-control and that you’ve been working on it and want to fix things if he or she will let you.
There’s no guarantee that your partner will forgive you and trust you, but if you want to give it a try, take the righteous path. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend why you did what you did and what you’re prepared to do to rebuild trust and be in a committed relationship.
Cheating with an ex is a serious offense. It shows that you find your ex attractive and perhaps even want to be with your ex. You’ll have a hard time convincing your partner that you feel nothing for your ex and that you want to leave the past behind. Your partner won’t believe your words because your actions say otherwise.
So if you’re cheating with an ex and want to be with your partner, remember that it may not be possible to fix the damage caused by betrayal. Your best bet is to stop cheating right away and come clean. Tell your partner the truth and answer any questions he or she may have.
You should choose a time when your ex is alone and has a few days to process the cheating. Don’t tell your partner about the betrayal in public, especially during work or exams. Remember that your cheating will shock your partner and trigger anxiety, pain, and obsession. It will disorient your partner and make it impossible for him or her to focus on anything but you.
Hence, my advice is to be considerate of your partner’s feelings and responsibilities—and tell what you did when it’s the least likely to affect your ex’s life. Choose a time and location when your partner is free of obligations.
Having said that, here’s what you should do when you’re cheating with an ex on your partner.
What if I want my ex back?
Leaving your partner for an ex is not ideal, but it’s better than pretending everything’s fine and lying to yourself and your partner that you still have feelings for him or her. If you have feelings for your ex, you should consider leaving your relationship with your current partner and giving your relationship with your ex another chance.
Before you get back with your ex, though, you should reflect on both relationships and learn some necessary lessons from them. You don’t want to get back with your ex and make the same mistakes. That would be a waste of time and emotional investment.
Despite cheating, you want to take something positive from your failed relationships. The most valuable lesson you can learn is understanding why things ended and how to prevent future breakups.
Also, remember that your ex may not have slept with you to reconcile. Your ex may have slept with you to fulfill his or her sexual cravings or obtain other benefits from you, such as validation and support. Whatever it is that your ex wants, ensure that your ex wants you for you rather than the things you can provide. If you convince yourself that your ex regrets leaving you and wants you back just because you slept together, you could get your hopes up for nothing and end up single.
I’m not saying you should hold on to your partner for commitment and feelings of safety (that would make you a user), but you should talk to your ex and see what he or she feels and wants. If your ex is regretful, has feelings, and wants you back, you can take your ex back, provided you also have feelings.
But if your ex is confused and has no idea why he or she slept with you, then you better run. Your ex will most likely stay doubtful and refuse to invest in you. This means you’ll chase your ex’s reassurance and get strung along.
I can’t tell you what the best thing for you to do is. But if I started dating someone shortly after my ex broke up with me and realized I still loved my ex, I’d break up with my partner, say why I decided to break up, and focus on myself for a while. I’d talk to my ex afterward and learn if my ex was prepared to win my love and trust back. If I saw improvement in my ex’s thoughts and behavior, I’d slowly let her back into my heart and continue to rebuild trust.
I encourage you to treat both your partner and your ex with respect. Be honest about your feelings and expectations so they don’t take things to heart and experience a blow to their self-esteem. If you handle the situation morally, you’ll have much more respect for yourself than if you just disappear from your partner’s life and switch partners.
Running away may seem like the easiest option, but that’s only because it’s the most cowardly. Ethical choices require bravery, integrity, empathy, and a genuine desire to clear your conscience.
Are you cheating with an ex or considering it? Describe your story in the comments section below.
However, if you need help deciding what to do and not to do, get in touch with us. We’ll help you make healthy and moral decisions.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
